Can Never Know The Triggers

[Turkish]

A few months ago, I posted about me being annoyed when my mom made waifish comments in front of the kids. We were exiting a restaurant, and a patron commented how pretty D2 was. Outside, my mom started going off how that was why girls were so messed up because society places too much value on physical beauty and such. While I agree with that to an extent, it wasnt appropriate to say in front of D2 and S4, not that they got it.

Last week, we were having a belated Thanksgiving dinner with her and some of my friends. My mom was gushing about how good looking both kids were. I   to myself and didn't comment. I'm 25 years out of the house and don't like playing therapist anymore. The thing is, since my mom came out to me as being BPD this past summer, I find myself not wanting to talk to her. She has an idea of what I do here, and I sense sometimes that she wants to dig deep and talk about it. I have a willing "patient" so to speak, but I really don't want to talk about it. My mom used to always talk about how homely she was, even when I was a little boy. I have a good memory.

The roof thing is that she seemed happier for now, other than exaggerating the space between when I call her (she doesn't have long distance... .her lack of control when it comes to money, though she does buy calling cards).

I think the thing with triggers, as with all pwBPD (and heck, with all of us), is that they often depend upon their underlying moods. I don't feel like I WoE with her, but kind of. I certainly did when she came to visit me and uBPDx, that was very stressful since they triggered each other, and my Ex was often mean and disrespectful. Thankfully, no more of that!

We'll see her again when we travel Christmas Day. She seemed disappointed we weren't driving there (2.5 hrs) until then, but it is what I choose.

[Blimblam]

Man I know it's so hard to avoid triggering them sometimes.  Idk about you but my mom triggers me! It's like my mom is permanently triggered. It takes me like a full day to recover taking with her. I'm glad your mom is respecting your boundaries though.

I know you want to talk to your mom about BPD and your ex but every experience with that with my mom always and I mean always bites me in the ass.  I made the mistake talking about me ex to her twice and since I allowed it to go there she Will not leave it alone ever. It becomes about her being a a good mother by wanting to control and guilt trip me.  It's a can of worms best avoided IMO.

[Kwamina]

Hi Turkish,

The thing is, since my mom came out to me as being BPD this past summer, I find myself not wanting to talk to her. She has an idea of what I do here, and I sense sometimes that she wants to dig deep and talk about it. I have a willing "patient" so to speak, but I really don't want to talk about it. My mom used to always talk about how homely she was, even when I was a little boy. I have a good memory.

I find it interesting that your mom came out to you as being BPD this past summer. How did this come about and do you get the sense that she really understand and acknowledges what it means to be BPD?

You also say she has an idea of what you do on here and that you sometimes sense that she wants to dig deeper and talk about it. What makes you think this? Has she ever directly asked you to give her advice about how to deal with her BPD and/or to discuss what it is you exactly do on here?

[Turkish]

Hi Turkish,

The thing is, since my mom came out to me as being BPD this past summer, I find myself not wanting to talk to her. She has an idea of what I do here, and I sense sometimes that she wants to dig deep and talk about it. I have a willing "patient" so to speak, but I really don't want to talk about it. My mom used to always talk about how homely she was, even when I was a little boy. I have a good memory.

I find it interesting that your mom came out to you as being BPD this past summer. How did this come about and do you get the sense that she really understand and acknowledges what it means to be BPD?

She actually has been supportive through all of this, but mostly listens... .then I sense that she wants to talk about her own stuff, so I let her. My mom's a Registered Nurse. Once I said, "BPD" my mom said, "of course she's BPD," then said she read a book on BPD a long time ago and started talking about all of the pwBPD she's known over the years. Though her mind has been dulled in the last decade, she has an IQ of 137. Pretty intelligent. A voracious reader, at least she used to be.

You also say she has an idea of what you do on here and that you sometimes sense that she wants to dig deeper and talk about it. What makes you think this? Has she ever directly asked you to give her advice about how to deal with her BPD and/or to discuss what it is you exactly do on here?

Since she is utterly computer illiterate, I just said "support group" and kind of explained it. She was given the soft diagnosis by her T 20 years ago (she gave my mom the book as a way of suggesting it without saying it), but my mom accepts it. I think it because she out of the blue in the summer came out with it when she started talking about her father's childhood, telling me things I hadn't heard before (he sounds like he was more NPD-ASPD, a very cruel person). In one of the last conversations, when I was relating my frustration about my Ex's age-inappropriate talks to behaviors with S4, I said, "she is unable to get into the mind of a 4 year old in order to understand how he thinks," to which she replied, "I have no idea how a 4 year old thinks... ." then dead air, and I finished the conversation.

Even last year, however, she was talking about adopting little children to raise in her old age. I listen to such talk as just that. Talk, like so many other things. In summary, I don't feel I can talk about such things with her without triggering both of us. I moved out 25 years ago, and never spent a night back. Let the past stay in the past.