Isolation

[Pieter2]

Did your exBPD isolate you? From friends? Family? Social gatherings etc? Mine did and it was horrible. Definitely the reason I had to leave. In the beginning of the r/s she told me that "outside influence" can have the worst impact on relationships. She proceeded to cut off any "outside influence". My friends and family did stick by me though and knew something was seriously wrong. I came to the realization that it was abuse. She was purposefully cutting me off from any support or fun for that matter. Did this happen to you? Share your story.

I want everyone who has been isolated and is still in the early stages of their break-ups to know. This gets better. Tell your friends  about what happened - The embarassing stories, the nights of fighting over nothing etc. Trust me, they want to know and might just understand - Not her, but you! When you left your exBPD you got all your friends and family back. Kind of a good trade isn't it? Give up 1 abusive person for 20 friends/family members who care. Who wins now?  

I have been out of my r/s for 7 months now and feel really good. Not really thinking of her much since all my friends and family are back in my life. I am still on here to keep my progress going and to support others the way that I was supported when I needed it.

[StayOrLeave15]

Yup. Told me who I could and could not hang out with.  Demanded when I made plans with anyone else I tell her right away (i.e., demanded screenshots of the text messages to know exactly when I made the plans).  Was angered when I would do anything without her.  There was one day I she told me I couldn't leave my house and demanded a screenshot of my location every 20 minutes. 

You're right about telling friends.  You have to. At first they may be skeptical or disapproving, but if they are real friends (or more importantly your family) they will understand.  And they will be supportive. 

But sometimes what is worse than the explicit isolating is the implicit.  I.e., the annoyed look on her face when you answer a phone call or text from someone else.  When they say it's fine you go hang out with a friend but you know it isn't fine because of their tone, body language, etc.  It got to a point I started putting my phone on silent when we hung out and the texts would pile up - my friends aren't stupid, they started sending texts like "Okay so clearly you're with her so I don't expect to hear back from you for a long time.  Have fun man."  Clearly in a sarcastic/upset way.  Then they started excluding her from invitations to social things but still inviting me, so I was often forced to decline.  Thus more isolating from my friends.  A negatively reinforcing cycle that is no fun to break but once you do you will be so much better off.  I'm not quite there yet like you are Pieter but I hope to be soon.

[vortex of confusion]

But sometimes what is worse than the explicit isolating is the implicit.  I.e., the annoyed look on her face when you answer a phone call or text from someone else.  When they say it's fine you go hang out with a friend but you know it isn't fine because of their tone, body language, etc.  It got to a point I started putting my phone on silent when we hung out and the texts would pile up - my friends aren't stupid, they started sending texts like "Okay so clearly you're with her so I don't expect to hear back from you for a long time.  Have fun man."  Clearly in a sarcastic/upset way.  Then they started excluding her from invitations to social things but still inviting me, so I was often forced to decline.  Thus more isolating from my friends.  A negatively reinforcing cycle that is no fun to break but once you do you will be so much better off.  I'm not quite there yet like you are Pieter but I hope to be soon.

Oh my goodness, you put into words what I have been trying to figure out. My husband has always encouraged me to do stuff with others. However, when I actually did stuff, I would get the looks, the tone, the body language, etc. I will never forget the night that I was going on a mom's night out. At that time, I was home with my kids pretty much 24/7. I never went out unless it was to the grocery store. I thought it would be fun to go out when I saw one of my friends posting about a MNO. I made plans but when I was leaving, he gave me a lecture about when I needed to be home. I was a bit floored because I was going out with a bunch of moms and we were just going to have dinner and a few drinks. All of us have kids and all of us are responsible adults that rarely do anything without our kids. Needless to say, I didn't go to another one after that. And then there is the way he used to act when I would get a phone call. I didn't care if he was in the room most of the time. But, I didn't like it when he would interrupt my phone conversations to add his two cents. Or, if I would go to another room to get privacy because I wanted to talk to my female friend about something private, he would follow me. It was easier to not talk on the phone or go places or do much of anything.

[StayOrLeave15]

Oh my goodness, you put into words what I have been trying to figure out. My husband has always encouraged me to do stuff with others. However, when I actually did stuff, I would get the looks, the tone, the body language, etc. I will never forget the night that I was going on a mom's night out.

Pure passive aggression on the pwBPD's part.  As if the fact I had relationships with friends meant I loved her less. Truly sad what this disorder does to these people.  So yes, there was the implicit reactions, but the explicit were equally harsh.  For example:

1. She threw a tantrum when I received a last-minute invitation to a friend's birthday dinner who I had already told her is notorious for poor planning.  We did not have plans that evening yet she flipped out when I said I was going to go to it - for some reason she thought I had been invited sooner and was hiding that from her. I called her bluff and refused to react and didn't speak to her for two days.  But this is not the kind of relationship I want to have.

2. One day when I was off work I had a friend (a male friend!) over to watch the World Cup this summer.  She texted me asking what I was up to and I told her my friend was over and she lost it. "YOU ARE ALWAYS DOING THINGS WITHOUT TELLING ME!"  I understand a girlfriend might be upset if I were hanging out alone at my house one afternoon and didn't tell her I had a friend over (because she was at work!) and it was a female friend.  But a male friend to watch sports? She demanded to know when I made plans, wanted to know what I was eating with him, if I was having drinks, and when I made plans with him.  He had unexpectedly gotten off work early so we made plans about an hour before the game started.  It was a very uncomfortable situation because this was a relatively new friend of mine and I didn't want to tell her how upset she was because all this was going on while he was still there (not to mention the game went into overtime and penalty kicks and her harassing messages completely distracted me from enjoying it).  

3. I told her a cousin of mine (female) that I hadn't seen in a long time had texted me to hang out one day.  She said, "I've never heard of this person, you can hang out with her with me."  SHE IS A BLOOD RELATIVE! Does she think I am going to commit incest with her?  

4. There was an entire episode of our relationship where she demanded I delete anyone on Facebook or any other social media that had any other connection with my ex girlfriend.  My ex and I were together for 5 years during and after college and a lot of our friends were people we knew before we were together.  I've written many other posts about this.

5.  There were nights that due to family obligations she was forced to stay home and I wanted to go out with her friends.  She became dysregulated and assailed me via a barrage of text messages and her exact words were, "I don't see why you feel the need to entertain yourself so badly when I am stuck with my family.  You should stay home."  My reaction was I started to not tell her when I was going out.  I'm not going to let my partner control me.  My ex and I trusted each other to go out and have fun with friends (with or without the other) and I feel that is a healthy part of relationship.

6.  When she would become dysregulated and act irrationally I would reach out to my friends for help.  The majority of them said "GET OUT!" but I was attached and in the FOG and stuck around.  She demanded to know who I talked to about her and what I said.  Then she proceeded to tell me she never wanted to see any of these people again, and the implication was that I couldn't see any of them either without her getting upset.  A lose-lose.  Not see my friends or see them and upset my crazy girlfriend.

7. The times I would go out she would text me nonstop.  "Are you looking at other girls?" "When are you going home?" "What are you doing?" "Where are you?"  and expect an immediate response.  When she went out with her friends my texts (not checking on what she was doing but often rather seeing what time I would see her later would go unanswered for an hour.  Her excuse "Your phone is in your pocket, mine is in my purse so I don't hear/feel it.  But the implication was clear.  She wanted to monitor me at all times.  

Okay that's 7.  I could probably write 50 but I think I get the point across about the isolation.  But the big theme is, she was an engulfing person in a relationship.  Not only did I have trouble being in contact with friends, but time spent with her meant I would get nothing else done.  Answering emails for work upset her, my phone was on silent so I missed both personal and business calls, and she wanted my attention 24/7.  If she sat on my lap and it hurt my back it meant "I didn't love her".  If she was touching my hand and it tickled and I pulled away she would clearly get upset.  We would often spend Friday-Sunday together, and while I enjoyed the good parts of our time together (her incredible affection, mind-blowing sex, and often feeling on Cloud 9 with her), the downsides had clear negative effects on my life and I am happy to have those parts gone.

[Pieter2]

6.  When she would become dysregulated and act irrationally I would reach out to my friends for help.  The majority of them said "GET OUT!" but I was attached and in the FOG and stuck around.  She demanded to know who I talked to about her and what I said.  Then she proceeded to tell me she never wanted to see any of these people again, and the implication was that I couldn't see any of them either without her getting upset.  A lose-lose.  Not see my friends or see them and upset my crazy girlfriend.

7. The times I would go out she would text me nonstop.  "Are you looking at other girls?" "When are you going home?" "What are you doing?" "Where are you?"  and expect an immediate response.  When she went out with her friends my texts (not checking on what she was doing but often rather seeing what time I would see her later would go unanswered for an hour.  Her excuse "Your phone is in your pocket, mine is in my purse so I don't hear/feel it.  But the implication was clear.  She wanted to monitor me at all times.  

Same here - How do you chose? You either have no friends or when she does come along, she ruins it for everyone. It is exactly what happened to me. My friends all told me to "GET OUT". I'm so glad I listened in the end. When I went out, she made sure she ruined the evening when I came home. She would accuse me of looking at other women, would phone me non-stop, would rage afterwards. Even when it was work related, it was a problem. She later began keeping tabs even on my family via Whatsapp. Checking when they were last online etc. I would often go home and tell her that I just left work when I'm already home just to have an hour of peace.

I became so nervous and so anxious when my phone rang or when anyone made contact with me. It was horrible. But here's my favorite quote from her: "One day we will get married and NONE of your friends will EVER be allowed in MY house". Yeah, sounds great doesn't it. One day you'll have no friends and I'll be happy! Haha. What a joke. She caused her own demise.

[Deeno02]

6.  When she would become dysregulated and act irrationally I would reach out to my friends for help.  The majority of them said "GET OUT!" but I was attached and in the FOG and stuck around.  She demanded to know who I talked to about her and what I said.  Then she proceeded to tell me she never wanted to see any of these people again, and the implication was that I couldn't see any of them either without her getting upset.  A lose-lose.  Not see my friends or see them and upset my crazy girlfriend.

7. The times I would go out she would text me nonstop.  "Are you looking at other girls?" "When are you going home?" "What are you doing?" "Where are you?"  and expect an immediate response.  When she went out with her friends my texts (not checking on what she was doing but often rather seeing what time I would see her later would go unanswered for an hour.  Her excuse "Your phone is in your pocket, mine is in my purse so I don't hear/feel it.  But the implication was clear.  She wanted to monitor me at all times.  

Same here - How do you chose? You either have no friends or when she does come along, she ruins it for everyone. It is exactly what happened to me. My friends all told me to "GET OUT". I'm so glad I listened in the end. When I went out, she made sure she ruined the evening when I came home. She would accuse me of looking at other women, would phone me non-stop, would rage afterwards. Even when it was work related, it was a problem. She later began keeping tabs even on my family via Whatsapp. Checking when they were last online etc. I would often go home and tell her that I just left work when I'm already home just to have an hour of peace.

I became so nervous and so anxious when my phone rang or when anyone made contact with me. It was horrible. But here's my favorite quote from her: "One day we will get married and NONE of your friends will EVER be allowed in MY house". Yeah, sounds great doesn't it. One day you'll have no friends and I'll be happy! Haha. What a joke. She caused her own demise.

16 months together and I only met her ritzy friends 4 times. And those were large events where I kind of got lost in the crowd, while she fluttered around. She didnt like her sister much, so a couple holidays with them. My friends? Forget it. Twice. Never wanted to do anything I wanted to do. Always about her. Why did I put up with it? I'm so gunshy now, I prefer being alone than being out. I know that at this point in my life a r/s isn't the right thing for me right now, but her isolation attempts may have worked. I have to force myself out the door. Feel like a science experiment.

[clydegriffith]

Yes. She tried to keep me away from my friends and family. If i had to leave for some sort of family emergency, she would have one of her episodes and say that i have my own family now and that should be my number one priority.

She also had her violent rages whenever i even mentioned going to hang out with my friends. She would constantly talk bad about them but she ended up having sex with more than a handful of them.

[Bak86]

Yup. She didn't want any opinion from other people on "us" because she thought it was difficult anyway. I could absolutely tell nobody at work about our relationship. I hardly ever saw my friends anymore. Never was introduced to her friends either. And when she told me i had to go and socialize with friends, and i would actually do it, i would get criticism.

[Lucky Jim]

She proceeded to cut off any "outside influence". My friends and family did stick by me though and knew something was seriously wrong. I came to the realization that it was abuse. She was purposefully cutting me off from any support or fun for that matter.

Hey Pieter2, Yup, definitely happened to me.  I became cut off from friends and family and forgot who I was for a while there.  Not fun.  Isolation is way to control and manipulate, because you lose your basis for comparison, i.e., your reality checks, to the point that, in my case, I started buying into the cr*p that my BPDxW was saying about my close friends and family.  Isolation is a classic tool for brainwashing.

She operated from a mindset of scarcity, as if time that I spent with friends and family subtracted from my commitment to her.  In my view, there was plenty of love to go around, but that's now how my BPDxW looked at it.  Great topic!

LuckyJim

[StayOrLeave15]

Same here - How do you chose? You either have no friends or when she does come along, she ruins it for everyone. It is exactly what happened to me. My friends all told me to "GET OUT". I'm so glad I listened in the end. When I went out, she made sure she ruined the evening when I came home. She would accuse me of looking at other women, would phone me non-stop, would rage afterwards. Even when it was work related, it was a problem. She later began keeping tabs even on my family via Whatsapp. Checking when they were last online etc. I would often go home and tell her that I just left work when I'm already home just to have an hour of peace.

OH MY GOD this is exactly out of my life! The "last online" monitoring through Whatsapp is an exact page out of her book. She also obsessively monitored my ex girlfriend's Facebook and Instagram and would throw a fit if any of my friends had any contact with my ex (e.g., something as simple as "liking" or commenting on a photo).   

And I can't even count the times I had to be dishonest and say that I just got home when I had been there for an hour or two just to get some peace.  If she thought I was home and wasn't answering her she would proceed to keep texting me and it often wasn't even words but just Emoji's of annoyed/sad/angry faces.  Sometimes up to 20 or 30 of these "texts".  Then it would take half an hour or so to get her to calm down. 

This is so incredibly similar to my experience and a great reminder of why I am better off without her.  The hours of my life that have been wasted by fighting over text due to her instability are many more than I wish to count.   Thank you Pieter

[camuse]

The very first sign of this was very early on when I answered my phone in her company. She thought it was very rude. By the end I had my phone switched off when I was with her, so messages would pile up often for days. She went beserk if I even touched my phone.

Later on it was negative comments about my friends and how I could do better than them.

The peak was when she deleted almost all females from my FB friends list.

Anyone I liked, she liked at first, then hated.

She actually commented on this at the end, after getting upset when I went out with friends. She said "I realise I shouldn't be upset, this is how it should be." She knew she was acting irrationaly, but couldn't help it. She even encouraged me to add all those females back on FB, but I didn't want to look daft. Some re-added me, but she still got angry about that.

After we broke up, a mutual friend admitted she knew this would happen from the start, after my ex actually told her she would stop me hanging out with certain people.

Madness. How did we think this was ok?

[StayOrLeave15]

Later on it was negative comments about my friends and how I could do better than them.

The peak was when she deleted almost all females from my FB friends list.

Anyone I liked, she liked at first, then hated.

Madness. How did we think this was ok?

Don't feel bad about this.  All three of these things you mentioned happened to the letter in my life and "relationship".  My answer to your question is we didn't think it was okay.  We knew it wasn't.  But in a relationship with a pwBPD emotion overtakes logic and we act irrationally, which means staying with the disordered partner and suffering through all these things. 

[StayOrLeave15]

Oh and let's not forget the part where she demanded to read my text messages going all the way back to when I first started dating her to see "what people said about her". 

And demand to know the names of and see pictures of girls I had gone out with or slept with in the past.  The attractive ones were seen as threats that she wanted me to delete or not talk to in any possible way.  And she used the not so attractive ones to take shots at me.

Exact quote from her: "If you don't show me a picture of her right now I'm going to get very, very angry.  It isn't going to end well." 

[Artisan]

I was mocked for talking to my mother and father.

I was put down for 'liking' a comment from a woman, or having a woman like something on my facebook wall.

When I did introduce her to my friends, she blew up at me ... .accusing me of being all over one of the friends and wanting to F* her. I gave the woman a hug, and that was it. Why would I introduce her to anybody else if she is going to blow up so easily over nothing?

I was put down for not going out with her to one of her friends parties, now I realize its because she wanted to be seen with somebody and not b/c she wanted to go somewhere with me.

Once we were walking, and I was just smiling b/c it was one of the random days I felt good, I was yelled at for smiling and flirting at some woman walking past that I hadn't even seen b/c I was just enjoying being with my ex.

One of my friends had a grandfather die, and I was going to go see her. I was 'given permission', yet it felt like such a heavy handed permission I believed I'd get screamed at if I went.

I isolated myself from my extended family b/c I didn't want them to see the drama I was living with, I was terrified that my ex would go crazy and start screaming about something with me. Or try to pull me around and get her way in front of my family. The idea of being whipped is bad enough, having my family witness it, horrible.

She put down my friends, and never met them. Then she got angry with me when she didn't know my friends, because I didn't introduce her to them. She shot down my attempts to bring them around, calling them names. I was damned if I did, damned when I didn't.

The one friend she met stayed at our house on my birthday. He was there to witness me getting screamed at for hours later that night because my ex thought I was flirting with a woman at dinner. Why would I introduce her to any of my friends if she is going to humiliate me in front of them?

In short,

I couldn't talk to my family.

I couldn't talk to my friends.

I couldn't talk to strangers.

I couldn't talk to people at work.

I couldn't talk to people online.

I stopped talking to people. I shut down.

It feels amazing for me to be able to go out in public and just start a conversation randomly, or just smile for no reason, and not get screamed at with the ex blowing a circuit.

[vortex of confusion]

It feels amazing for me to be able to go out in public and just start a conversation randomly, or just smile for no reason, and not get screamed at with the ex blowing a circuit.

This is the best feeling in the world. I got a job outside of the house back in February. When I tell my coworkers that I love coming to work, they think I am kissing up. But no, I genuinely love being at work. I work in an education setting and get to help others. It feels so amazing to be able to help people without having to explain why I am doing it. It feels so great to talk to people without feeling like he is standing over my shoulder waiting to interrupt or wanting to leave.

[Lucky Jim]

we didn't think it was okay.  We knew it wasn't.  But in a relationship with a pwBPD emotion overtakes logic and we act irrationally, which means staying with the disordered partner and suffering through all these things.

Copy that, StayOrLeave.

One time I caught hell after I called my mother and sister on Christmas Day!  The call triggered my BPDxW's fear of abandonment and she kept me up all night.  She claimed it embarrassed her when I made the call while at her cousin's house (cousin couldn't have cared less . . . ).

When I allowed myself to become isolated, I reached what was probably the nadir of my life.  After that, I made a vow that I would see friends and family, regardless of my BPDxW's reaction, and Damn the Torpedos!  When my Ex realized I wasn't backing down, it was the beginning of the end to our marriage, which I accepted as the price get my life back.

Lucky Jim

[tim_tom]

Yes, mine systematically eliminated everyone I was close to...

1 male friend was hitting on her, another was a bad influence cause he liked to hit on girls, another because my best friends wife hated me, a female friend was removed because she was screwing me over in my work, and another female friend because i was always accused of having a crush on her (I didn't, even a tiny bit)

My sister didn't like here, simply because she didn't fawn over here. My Father and his fiancee were no good...

Everyone had to go through her to get to me, and the only approved people were my other sister and my mother...

It's f'ing crazy looking back that I allowed it

[Pingo]

I had a couple male friends when I met my ex and he put a quick stop to that, being jealous and possessive, 'intuiting' that there was more than friendship going on, etc.  After that I was nervous of any old male friends contacting me, even to say hi on fb.  One commented on a pic of me in a bikini and my ex had to make a big comment after his, saying how hot I was and that he was so happy I was 'his'.   I deleted the pic.

He was jealous of my teenage (now adult) daughter and would always try to cause trouble between us.  She wasn't living with me for a couple years and she stayed over for a few nights at Christmas time and he was up pacing, looking out the window, freaking out b/c she went out for a smoke, etc then told me she couldn't stay over any more!  (I told him to stick it).  Other than that I have two close girlfriends and although he was careful to not interfere too much with my friendship with them, he did get insecure if I tried to have a private phone conversation (I'd get the ST after) or he'd text constantly when I was visiting with them, wondering what we're up to, eating, or doing, when I'd be home, etc. 

[Left broken and confused]

All of these descriptions are what I lived for 4 years. He was good around my friends and family the first few times but after that he made them very uncomfortable. I was afraid to answer my phone when he was around because no matter who it was it was taking time away from him. He would tell me he wasn't holding me back from go out with my friends but while I was out he would call or text 100 times and if I was home a minute later than I said there would be hell to pay. I went for a whole year without talking to my friends

[bungenstein]

They try and isolate you from everything good and nourishing in your life, and they call it 'love'.   

[StayOrLeave15]

I don't want to hijack this thread, but rather examine it from a broader point of view: We all know that our BPD partners, ex's, etc. tend to go to EXTREMES to isolate us.  But the topic of WHY THEY DO IT has not come up on this particular thread.  

They may give their justifications like "Other people's opinions don't belong in our relationship" or "Those people are bad influences in your life" or "It's inappropriate for you to talk to this person" but I think the real reason for their isolation is their inherent fear of abandonment and a need for control to try and soothe this fear.  

Most pwBPD have such a shaky (or do not even have a) sense of self that their worst fear is being abandoned by someone who is supposed to love them.  They also often have the emotional maturity of a teenager, so they use what seem to us very immature and insane methods to isolate us.  Their thought process is "If I isolate my partner from any other potential influences that might take him/her away from me, then my partner will never leave me."  The irony and travesty of this thought pattern is that such behavior often leads to just the opposite.  Isolation attempts lead to the partner hiding certain things from their BPD partner.  Lies may build up.  The relationship starts to unravel.  The pwBPD's worst fear - abandonment - becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in one of two ways:

Those of us who are strong enough to leave get out of the relationship and leave them all on their own.  But it seems the majority of us stick around, because we are so enmeshed in the relationship, until things become so toxic and the pwBPD's demand become so outlandish that they are impossible to satisfy.  The non's self-esteem is destroyed and the pwBPD paints them black and is likely the one to end it, leaving the non in true emotional pain.  

So in conclusion, my hypothesis is that the isolating behavior is a product of their fear of abandonment.  And another sick irony of the situation is that even if we act on our best behavior, validate them in every way, and the relationship starts to go well, the fear of abandonment becomes even stronger and the pwBPD gets too terrified to stay in it and sabotoges it.  So it seems like a lose-lose.

Would love to hear everyone's thoughts on the motives behind the isolation.  My ideas come from my own personal experiences and the hours and hours of reading and writing I have done on this site.  I think we can all agree that BPD partners isolate their partners, but would be great to have a dialogue on the motives behind this behavior.  

[vortex of confusion]

I don't want to hijack this thread, but rather examine it from a broader point of view: We all know that our BPD partners, ex's, etc. tend to go to EXTREMES to isolate us.  But the topic of WHY THEY DO IT has not come up on this particular thread.  

They may give their justifications like "Other people's opinions don't belong in our relationship" or "Those people are bad influences in your life" or "It's inappropriate for you to talk to this person" but I think the real reason for their isolation is their inherent fear of abandonment and a need for control to try and soothe this fear.  

Most pwBPD have such a shaky (or do not even have a) sense of self that their worst fear is being abandoned by someone who is supposed to love them.  They also often have the emotional maturity of a teenager, so they use what seem to us very immature and insane methods to isolate us.  Their thought process is "If I isolate my partner from any other potential influences that might take him/her away from me, then my partner will never leave me."  The irony and travesty of this thought pattern is that such behavior often leads to just the opposite.  Isolation attempts lead to the partner hiding certain things from their BPD partner.  Lies may build up.  The relationship starts to unravel.  The pwBPD's worst fear - abandonment - becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in one of two ways:

Those of us who are strong enough to leave get out of the relationship and leave them all on their own.  But it seems the majority of us stick around, because we are so enmeshed in the relationship, until things become so toxic and the pwBPD's demand become so outlandish that they are impossible to satisfy.  The non's self-esteem is destroyed and the pwBPD paints them black and is likely the one to end it, leaving the non in true emotional pain.  

So in conclusion, my hypothesis is that the isolating behavior is a product of their fear of abandonment.  And another sick irony of the situation is that even if we act on our best behavior, validate them in every way, and the relationship starts to go well, the fear of abandonment becomes even stronger and the pwBPD gets too terrified to stay in it and sabotoges it.  So it seems like a lose-lose.

Would love to hear everyone's thoughts on the motives behind the isolation.  My ideas come from my own personal experiences and the hours and hours of reading and writing I have done on this site.  I think we can all agree that BPD partners isolate their partners, but would be great to have a dialogue on the motives behind this behavior.  

I think that should be a thread all by itself! Otherwise, this one might get too long. I definitely want to add to this when I have time.

[Pieter2]

I isolated myself from my extended family b/c I didn't want them to see the drama I was living with, I was terrified that my ex would go crazy and start screaming about something with me. Or try to pull me around and get her way in front of my family. The idea of being whipped is bad enough, having my family witness it, horrible.

I couldn't talk to my family.

I couldn't talk to my friends.

I couldn't talk to strangers.

I couldn't talk to people at work.

I couldn't talk to people online.

I stopped talking to people. I shut down.

It feels amazing for me to be able to go out in public and just start a conversation randomly, or just smile for no reason, and not get screamed at with the ex blowing a circuit.

I can totally relate. I made sure I left her before my mother could meet her because I knew it would go horribly wrong. I was so isolated I also just shut down.

Isn't it wonderful having all the anxiety gone? I'm so relieved thinking about it... .

[Climbmountains91]

I find this a weird one. I never got that we did live 70 miles apart at that time so maybe thats why he had no impact on that but then again he was always texting me to come to his, i can stay how long as i want, make myself at home" and huffing i was always with my friends, hinting i should move up here but then sometimes he'd be like "your a free person, do what you want etc... As his like that with everyone. Now I'm moved up here he don't want me here. So i guess in a sense he has isolated me. Said if i didn't move up the relationship wouldn't work bla bla bla. So i did and it didn't anyway !

The positive is I've got a beautiful flat and I'm making a life for me and my daughter and plus i love the city than my hometown so its not all bad.

[workinprogress]

This is interesting.  She monopolized all my time and would get angry if I did anything with my friends.

Gradually, they moved away or I stopped hearing from them.

I also recall my wife throwing a fit over a wedding invite I had and she made 1,000 reasons why I shouldn't go.  I don't know why, but I listened to her to keep the peace.

Then, after driving everyone else off, she quit doing things with me one on one, and told me that I needed to find some friends and get out more often.

I almost forgot, when I was thinking about getting a facebook account my wife went beserk.  Never mind that she had one.

Also, shortly after we got married she started telling me that my friends were "losers".  Although she now denies ever saying that.

[StayOrLeave15]

This is interesting.  She monopolized all my time and would get angry if I did anything with my friends.

BPD relationships are simply exhausting.  You put so much energy into trying to keep your partner happy and keep them from raging that you have little to no energy left for yourself. 

Stress takes such an emotional toll on people and it begins to manifest itself in a physical way.  Feeling tired and run-down.  Lacking motivation.  And the fact that you are isolated from your friends makes it harder to get better.  You feel trapped and dependent on your BPD partner.

When together, my relationship took so much out of me.  Now that I am out of it the pain of the loss is taking all my energy.  But I know that in the long run I will be better.  Right now is very hard and I am trying to climb out of the hole of isolation that my BPDexgf put me into.