stuckgirl
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: engaged but not living together
Posts: 112
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« on: November 06, 2014, 03:50:59 PM » |
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my undiagnosed BPD fiance and i had been together for some more months than a year.we live in a place where marriages involve both families and their lots of participation.
a couple of months ago the fiance verbally abused me horribly and created a situation in which i felt i was perpetually strained.his insane logic,his insisting that he did not love me,he told me he hated me and i deserved to die,and many other things which i never can seem to recall,but he still loved me if i didnt 'disturb' him
he was threatening to hurt me... saying if you were around me i'd pull your tongue out... .
so i told my family that the relationship had become a constant agony for almost the last 7 months... .that he was abusing me verbally,refusing to talk to me,hating me for not talking to him,having serious paranoid/extremely hating spells towards me,was becoming increasingly possessive and jealous and painting my whole family black (who i love)
we both had decided to end the r/s
a month later he recycled and expressed deep love,in response to which i told him the r/s was truly over,i wanted it to be,so did the rest of my folks,to which he said i was a wh.re,i went nc after that
he panicked and got his family to contact us to resume the r/s
so for courtesy's sake we agreed to have them for tea,
the thing is i hadnt talked to him in almost two and a half months and we had parted so bitterly that i had already obtained closure
i thought if he came all i had to do was be firm and let them know the various reasons,very carefully,of why i couldnt marry him.
i entered the lounge and he was sitting there and wearing a shirt i had given him for a birthday present,
that was my first clue this evening was going to be an emotional cutter.
he looked like a scolded but hopeful child and i detest myself for feeling this way.
he immediately started saying 'before i start my side of the story' and then he stopped and closed his eyes and seemed to be trying not to cry,at which point my (bit of less than tactful stepmother said 'what is wrong,dont cry) and i said hush ( i thought he'd be terribly ashamed if his crying was publicly announced even before he had started it and i keep thinking if it wouldn't have been better to do something more helpful than 'shush',he couldnt stop it,immediately got up and went to the washroom to steady.
when he came back he was talking,he said the usual stuff a pwBPD might say,he was angry and bitter and told a warped and altered story on our many conflicts,he wanted to reconcile but was unable to even pretend to shed aggression. (he had abused me terribly and he projected it towards me... the thing also is,his mother is a horrible person,but his father has always been like a father to me,i dont know if im crying for the loss of my father in law or my fiance.my father i law was a truly good,a soft spoken gentle person,he's a thin hugger and loved speaking alone and in whisperes to me,confiding and asking,and we love each other to death.he would always take my sides in silly things,laugh with me,insist on driving me home,and have me sit beside him.we had plans to learn cooking together as soon as i married his son/my fiance... i was truly happy to have such an amazing person in my life,and he valued me like a rare diamond.
he is a silent person,his wife is a dominating,unfeeling,psychopathic and a horrible person who used to beat her son (my ex fiance) when he was a few months old... .
my father and brothers accused the hell out of the fiance because they didnt/couldnt understand why he had been such an a... to me,they never suspected BPD and i didnt tell them,mental illness is a taboo in this country,they just thought he was being abusive and there was no reason.
my fiance fought word for word but i could see he was wounded.my father in law kept smiling and suggesting either one helpful thing or another but i realized he was getting quieter and more introverted...
then my father in law said i'll take her to my house and we'll sort it out soon,he asked for the r/s not to be ended if it was possible.
by then i was crying (inside only) but i knew his son was and would have ruined us if we got married so i choked up and couldnt get a word out.my family knew what i wanted and they just said it... .
when they were leaving,fiance's mother just huffed and puffed out of the house,my father in law seemed as if the sky had fallen on him,he had tears in his eyes,he wouldnt leave until i would reach him,everyone was moving towards the gate,he stopped in the middle and sort of looked back and waited for me,i literally hurried to him. we hugged,he whispered to just only think about it if i wanted to,i was so choked up i couldnt say a word,i wasnt showing that i was about to cry... (i cant believe i have a problem like that) but honestly all i could manage was 'take care of your health (he has heart disease),which was such low volume that i doubt he heard me,before getting into the car he said the same thing,i said the same thing in this death whisper,that,again im sure he didnt hear,but he was so depressed that he was sort of looking at me and patting my back at the same time,my fiance was looking terrible as well and also towards me so i would look at him for this last time (it was understood that we would never meet again) but i just didnt,i dont know why i didnt,and by the time i did he was opening the car and it was too late.
i wish i had looked at him
i wish i could have made sure that father in law understood that i wished him the best of health.
his wife has always been so horrible to him that i know he found solace in me.
its such a long post and im so lost,but im so hurt by the way things ended.
im in intense pain because i lost a father figure along with an SO
maybe he knew his son would ultimately make things impossible for me
he didnt say even once that he justified his son's abuse,just this that he loved me
and took his family away.
atleast my father shook his hands and told him that he blamed his son,me,himself,everyone present,but not him.
atleast someone offered him audible comfort... and i hate myself for not doing that perhaps.
i know i'll never see any of them again
can someone offer help?
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