What are the signs that I'm healing?

[Moselle]

I guess I am healing somewhat. 

My wife is doing all sorts of crazy stuff. And I'm able to stay in wisemind. 

What are other signs of healing?

[Forestaken]

I wonder that too. My divorce was finalized in May '14. She still dragging her stuff out of the house. 

I'm thinking about dating but not sure.  You?

[Moselle]

Hi Forestaken,

I think it's a very good idea to get back in the saddle again, having fallen off the horse. Go for it!

I read an article about how to know if we're healed or not. There was a story about a woman who exited her Narcisstic relationship, determined to herself that she would not make the same mistake twice. Dated someone for 12 months and found herself in exactly the same kind of relationship. It takes more than an intellectual decision, or determination. We need healing, to fix the heart of our neediness. That's the question I'm asking. How do we heal this at the heart.

I'm actually still in my relationship and decided to stay.

I've been living separately, and trying to reclaim my life and stay married to my BPD/NPDw.

It's challenging :-)

I can stand firm during a rage now. And not feel its about me. Also exiting before it gets crazy. Good sign of health.

I'm developing from a personal point of view:

- Becoming more assertive, instead of passive/aggressive.

- Focussing on my business, which has been seriously neglected...

- Working on my Co-dependence traits. Separating her and other's emotions from mine, and learning to soothe myself.

- I'm able to co-exist with her to the point that I can excuse myself when I need to, and go to gym , walk the dogs or some other thing, when the sense of rage towards me starts.

[going places]

I guess I am healing somewhat. 

My wife is doing all sorts of crazy stuff. And I'm able to stay in wisemind. 

What are other signs of healing?

For me personally, I know I am healing because:

1. I am aware of his attempts to gaslight or drag me into a conversation that leaves me hurt, empty or apologizing to him for his poor choices.

2. I do not spend any time in the thought process of "my life is ruined, my dreams are ruined, it's all your fault, bla bla bla". I instead when I feel that creep in... .I stop that thought process dead in its tracks and begin thinking of how amazing my life is going to be once this house sells.

3. The intense hate, anger, and desire for vengance that used to be a 10 is now only a 2, and a 4 when I have a 'flare up'. I am able to reign in the negative when it starts, whereas before... .it was so hard on me. Not him. Me.

4. I have blocked him from every form of communication except email... .and I will ONLY discuss issues pertaining to the sale of the house, and nothing more. The less I communicate with him, the faster the healing process has moved along.

5. I don't talk about him or what he did or the divorce. It's history. I am sick of hearing my voice when I talk about him... .and I don't like how it makes me feel inside. So I don't.

6. I don't focus on the "what I lost, time wasted, hurt and bla bla bla". I focus on the future.

Dating?

No way, not this gal.

No way.

I have kids... .albeit they are young adults... .but *I* have to heal me AND discover me. I need to stand on my own two feet.

The kids have been thru SO much these last 3 years. They lives have been shaken to the core. There is no way I would throw "me dating" into that fire. I would never do that to them.

[JRav59]

I hit a flip the other day after almost 2 months of just feeling low, sad and wondering my self worth.  I didn't know it at the time, but it was part of my healing process. I needed to sift through all of it, cry, etc. Some big things that were eye opening about my own progress/ development were:

1. I stopped hating my ex. I feel sorry for her. That she has to live in an uneasy state of perpetual needing/anxiety/ungroundedness. That she is doomed to repeat her mistakes because she really sees nothing wrong with herself. It's everyone else.

2. I don't really know this girl anymore. She is a ghost now. A big part of that is because she has been blocked from everything.

3. I started finding enjoyment in my own life again.

4. I am impressed by my own observations. People and relationships look a lot clearer once you are done with a BPD partner.

I was sitting in this sad state for a while, wondering if it would ever get better. It has. I feel stronger and wiser. I went to therapy, started eating right, meditating, yoga and furthering my career.

I get one life and I get to choose who I surround myself with. It's not with people sucking my energy and life dry. I have no interest in dating still. I am so thankful to just be happy with my own company.  

[Moselle]

I guess I am healing somewhat. 

My wife is doing all sorts of crazy stuff. And I'm able to stay in wisemind. 

What are other signs of healing?

For me personally, I know I am healing because:

1. I am aware of his attempts to gaslight or drag me into a conversation that leaves me hurt, empty or apologizing to him for his poor choices.

2. I do not spend any time in the thought process of "my life is ruined, my dreams are ruined, it's all your fault, bla bla bla". I instead when I feel that creep in... .I stop that thought process dead in its tracks and begin thinking of how amazing my life is going to be once this house sells.

3. The intense hate, anger, and desire for vengance that used to be a 10 is now only a 2, and a 4 when I have a 'flare up'. I am able to reign in the negative when it starts, whereas before... .it was so hard on me. Not him. Me.

4. I have blocked him from every form of communication except email... .and I will ONLY discuss issues pertaining to the sale of the house, and nothing more. The less I communicate with him, the faster the healing process has moved along.

5. I don't talk about him or what he did or the divorce. It's history. I am sick of hearing my voice when I talk about him... .and I don't like how it makes me feel inside. So I don't.

6. I don't focus on the "what I lost, time wasted, hurt and bla bla bla".

Thanks going places. Your response makes me feel a little better because I can say I'm pretty good at 1,2,3 as well. 4,5, 6 is goin to be a process.  She's scheduled a mediation for divorce for next friday.

Well I'm still not sure LOL. It changes day to day.

[Moselle]

2. I don't really know this girl anymore. She is a ghost now. A big part of that is because she has been blocked from everything.

3. I started finding enjoyment in my own life again.

4. I am impressed by my own observations. People and relationships look a lot clearer once you are done with a BPD partner.

I get one life and I get to choose who I surround myself with. It's not with people sucking my energy and life dry. I have no interest in dating still. I am so thankful to just be happy with my own company.  

Thanks for sharing JRav59.  I really like these. Well done for moving on and enjoying your life again. I realised 7 years ago that things were really rough and I called her out for bullying me. She acted like that was nothing.  And life went on. Only in january this year did I walk and say that's it. I won't be brutalised any more. We do get to choose who we spend life with. And best we spend it with those that build us, not tear us down.

I'm reminded. I didn't cause it. Get off her back. Get out of her way. Get on with my life.