He Even Stole My Intellectual Property--Advise Requested

[Hope0807]

I created a business and entire identity that my uBPDexh has essentially stolen and run away with.  

I initially questioned my attorney about forcing my ex to pay me for using the business name/logo etc. and carrying on with what I will no longer be profiting from.  My attorney said that although it made sense to go after the ex for monetary compensation what what I would be losing, that it would be financially draining and ultimately he believed it would be in my best interest to get the heck away from this guy completely and move forward in my career.  Most of the people around me try to reassure me that the ex doesn't have what it takes to properly run the business and will self destruct.

I wrote & designed all of the website and marketing material.  If the ex chooses to move forward in the business I created for both of us to grow old with an profit from, the least he could have done is not stolen my words/intellectual property…and written his OWN website.  Instead, all of the content on a website I have previously disabled has resurfaced and is now available on some obscure website.  For example, if you google the name of our company or put it in the address bar, the old/MY website doesn't come up, but after scrolling through several pages of google links of the company name, a random website comes up and there's the entire contents of MY website.  

This may sound silly to most, but it's killing me.  He has taken SO much from me.  I am grieving so much and seeing MY writing, MY intellect, and him continuing to use it to publicize himself is something I'm really struggling to get past.  

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[Inside]

I’d question what it will cost you emotionally to either go after it, or let it go... ?  

My BPx still owes me money - and has let me know I’ll not get it.  Gearing up for court, I described the situation to my brother.  He let me know ‘how much’ I’d just spent in frustration, effort and time telling him about it.  He suggested I let it go - another life lesson.  I have

If he’s bound to kill the business, good, you can work around it, perhaps even improve things while starting anew.  And if you’ve other alternatives, pursue them for now.  

If he know’s it’s driving you nuts, just like the child he is - he’ll no doubt attempt or continue to taunt you.  Ignore it ... .while trying not to grind your teeth

That’s no legal advice… but from what you described, you’ve been given that.  Spiteful little children they are… what would a good parent do ... .ignore them?  ... .I know what a bad parent might do

[Hope0807]

This is wonderful.  It's what I needed to hear and yes, essentially what my attorney did his best to convey.  I'm so grateful that this attorney knows not even the smallest bit of what my creepy ex has put me through but in an instant expressed what you did here…is it worth the emotional or financial cost to pursue going after him for what he stole?  I guess today the answer is No…but I do absolutely hate that my written words of deep passion and personal joy in that business mission now serves to be HIS sole identity and promotes business ventures I will no longer profit from.  Arrrrrgggghhh! 

I’d question what it will cost you emotionally to either go after it, or let it go... ?  

My BPx still owes me money - and has let me know I’ll not get it.  Gearing up for court, I described the situation to my brother.  He let me know ‘how much’ I’d just spent in frustration, effort and time telling him about it.  He suggested I let it go - another life lesson.  I have

If he’s bound to kill the business, good, you can work around it, perhaps even improve things while starting anew.  And if you’ve other alternatives, pursue them for now.  

If he know’s it’s driving you nuts, just like the child he is - he’ll no doubt attempt or continue to taunt you.  Ignore it ... .while trying not to grind your teeth

That’s no legal advice… but from what you described, you’ve been given that.  Spiteful little children they are… what would a good parent do ... .ignore them?  ... .I know what a bad parent might do

[Inside]

... .I feel it…  It’s like the closer our ties - the greater our loss.  Damn.

Think of those who share children with them … talk about dreams, joy and passion... .  Hate to sound like my mom with an ‘it could be worse’ scenario, but sometimes that’s worth pondering. 

And yes, isn’t it nice when Attorney's actually earn their hourly rate

... .given the passion you’ve displayed here - I doubt anything can hold you down

[Hope0807]

Attorney…yes!  Divorce may be final in Dec, but still need that house sold and my name off the mortgage.

What you wrote totally lifted me up!  Thank you!  Yes, closer ties, greater loss.  I will try not to google my old business and take a deep, deep breath when I see my writing pop up as his own.

Thank you for the vote of confidence tonight

... .I feel it…  It’s like the closer our ties - the greater our loss.  Damn.

Think of those who share children with them … talk about dreams, joy and passion... .  Hate to sound like my mom with an ‘it could be worse’ scenario, but sometimes that’s worth pondering. 

And yes, isn’t it nice when Attorney's actually earn their hourly rate

... .given the passion you’ve displayed here - I doubt anything can hold you down

[Sandman1881]

Start over and make something new. Use the energy he is draining to inspire yourself to succeed. Turn lemons into lemonade. Just try. That's better than sitting around melting your mind with thoughts of them. Yuk!

We are the creative originals, they are "blocked" and have to use other and copycat. See him for what he is. See yourself for what you are and don't let yourself stay down. Get up and go. Be free!

We are strong and they are truly weak. Not the other way around. He's just a big baby pee-pee head.

I knew in the beginning she was different, I just didn't know how different. Ignorance is bliss... .

[catnap]

I have little doubt he will not have what it takes to keep the business he stole running, BUT it might be leverage in getting the house sold and your name off the mortgage in a timely manner if he drags his feet and tries to delay. 

Not that you plan to pursue, but the mere idea. . .

[ForeverDad]

Divorce may be final in Dec, but still need that house sold and my name off the mortgage.

Be sure to have consequences built into the order instructing the house to be either refinanced or sold.  Be sure to have date certains listed and consequences if not.  If you don't, then when you go back to court the judge will have to decide what to do and is very likely to give ex more time, not once but two or three times.  This is what happened to our member coffee shop.

If your name is on the deed and he gets the house... .don't hand over a signed quit claim deed until during the refinancing so you are 100% sure the old mortgage with your name is repaid.  Until then it has to be held in escrow or with your lawyer or whatever it is that keeps it from being used until your name is off.

If your name is not on the deed but you are on the mortgage... .be sure the final decree includes that he must refinance the house or the house must be sold promptly.  Be sure dates are listed and consequences spelled out if they aren't met.  One consequence can be that if he has interim possession/residence and fails to meet the sell timeline, then he must vacate and allow you to have control of the prep, showing and sale.  If not specific and left up to the judge then he can wring out multiple continuances.  If specific then he can still get delays, just not as much.

[livednlearned]

I want to echo what FD said.

My situation wasn't as bad as what coffee shop went through, but the same principle applies. I gave my ex our house, didn't ask for a penny, thinking stupidly that minimizing the conflict would make him just go away.

Instead, I had to file three motions to get him to refinance the house and transfer the deed over to his name. It cost me thousands of dollars and I had to sit through two hearings listening to the judge give him several bites of the apple.

Think through every possible scenario in which your stbx could obstruct the sale of the house. Take pictures or video of the inside and outside. If he causes any damage to the house between now and the sale, the cost to fix it comes out of his share of the sale. If you both have to agree to appraiser, have it in writing who the tie breaker will be, and under what conditions, if he does not agree to the appraiser, or the appraisal. Make it clear that if he does not remove his belongings, that within x number of days, abc will happen to those belongings. Any expense incurred by you will come out of his share of the sale. If he does not comply with the terms of the order, and you have to go back to court, he must cover your legal fees. If an offer is made within a percentage of the sale price, you can legally go forward with the sale, or whatever terms are legit where you live. If repairs must be made to sell the house, get three quotes and the middle one is the one you will go with if you can't agree. If he does not pay his share, the cost comes out of the sale of the house.

The point is that he will obstruct, obstruct, obstruct and if you don't put consequences into the order, it will be years before you can sell the house.

Having consequences in the order won't get him to comply, but you want to make sure everything is detailed to within an inch of clarity so that if a judge has to rule, he or she will see that your ex agreed to the terms. Otherwise you'll be in the same boat as me, paying buckets of money to watch the judge give the BPD person second and third chances to comply.

In my state, the way it works is that one of the lawyers writes up the order. Make sure it is your lawyer -- it will cost you money, but it will give you additional control over what gets written. Then, your lawyer sends that order to the opposing attorney for sign-off. n/BPDx is an attorney and he signed every document my L wrote, but then showed up in court when the order was entered to fight it  . Each time, the judge ignored him, but I have a really good judge. Some aren't so lucky.

Good luck to you -- I hope it goes more smoothly than it did for me. I wish I had known about this site before my divorce so I could've avoided some of the mistakes that cost me a lot of time and money.

About your website -- you are going to thrive and grow and heal and create more than you ever have. He will take whatever he can and cause it to self-destruct. Let go if you can -- the reason your business will do well is because of who you are.

[Hope0807]

ForeverDad & livednlearned,

Thank you!  I'm actually printing out what you guys wrote so I can compose my concerns in an email to my attorney.  The ex is closing on his new place (that he can't really afford---he's essentially unemployed, just hitched a ride with an acquaintance taken clueless-hostage as "replacement #1" this week and has not informed me of when he'll be vacating but expect it to be soon thereafter.  I also just found out from the realtor that he did not reconnect with them as he led me to believe regarding the listing/showing of the home as he told me he did.  We originally listed the home in early July but then the uBPDexh requested the agency withdraw the house listing some months back.  The agency refused (they had a 6-month signed contract with BOTH of us) and based on his behavior the agency just laid low and said to me, "We kinda figured you seem to have enough on your hands without us going ahead and filing against him…since he didn't have the right…"

Catnap, Sandman, Inside,

Thank you!  It's tough to admit you want someone else to fail, but like my T put it in perspective one day…"You get to be really upset over this, it's kinda like he stole your baby…your love, your business, your mission was YOUR baby and he got to run away with it…it's not fair, and you get really p*ssed off about that."  I WILL do something after I heal from this.  Something great has to come of all this trauma, it just has to.  I have to make that light overwhelm this darkness, some day…some way.

[ForeverDad]

Regarding your Intellectual Property, the same advice applies - to a large extent you can't control what he does but you can control what you do.  However, that does not mean you gift him anything and everything.  For example, he may have snatched your IP, perhaps illegal, possibly hard to get consequences, we just don't know, but don't enable him.  That is, don't 'gift' him rights to it, don't sign anything that 'gifts' it to him or blocks your own future endeavors in identical or similar work.

If it is of significant value or could hamper you in your own future work - imagine him so entitled that he later challenges you that it is His IP and demanding money or cease-and-desist from your own sites - then do get legal advice from an attorney who specializes in that field.

[Hope0807]

That is some darn good stuff, ForeverDad!  I think so far ahead it hurts sometimes  , but I hadn't thought of the possibility of HIM challenging me or going after a cease-and-desist if I were to move forward and use my previously created information  - or re-establish the services I used to provide with the ex.  Hmmm.  That's definitely something to think about.  At the moment, I am going to try VERY VERY hard to rest in knowing exactly as you said, that I can only control what "I" do and as another member suggested, channel my energy to create something new, and hopefully…just as, or more purpose-filled than that work was.

Update on my communicating with my lawyer/and the ex vacating the property soon:  I spoke with my attorney today who once again warned me of "poking the sleeping beast" and just letting the divorce be final first.  Delays have moved my uncontested divorce court date to December, the ex is closing on his new place prior to that.  I expressed concern to my attorney about protection about possible property damage and the ex potentially leaving belongings in the home for someone else to tend to.  My attorney reminded me that we cannot predict or control the ex's behavior, and if he stops paying the mortgage the home will go into foreclosure and I will need file for bankruptcy.  So far, the ex is current with mortgage payments.  I don't know what to do and how soon to do it, if indeed he does stop paying the mortgage once he moves out.  I honestly cannot imagine him continuing to pay for a home he no longer is residing in when so much else with the new place and struggling to survive will be heavily on his plate…but who knows.  I also don't ever want to set foot in that house again even if someone thinks it's my responsibility to clean it out, or even ready it for showings…my last memories there equate to a house of horrors and I just can't go backwards like that.  There's a very slight chance that there will even be a profit if the home sells.  I don't even care if there's a profit from the house.  I just want my name off the mortgage and to be free of him.  This issue dangling over my head feels like financial limbo.

Regarding your Intellectual Property, the same advice applies - to a large extent you can't control what he does but you can control what you do.  However, that does not mean you gift him anything and everything.  For example, he may have snatched your IP, perhaps illegal, possibly hard to get consequences, we just don't know, but don't enable him.  That is, don't 'gift' him rights to it, don't sign anything that 'gifts' it to him or blocks your own future endeavors in identical or similar work.

If it is of significant value or could hamper you in your own future work - imagine him so entitled that he later challenges you that it is His IP and demanding money or cease-and-desist from your own sites - then do get legal advice from an attorney who specializes in that field.