accused of cheating. Projection?

[Mike_confused]

so my BPD wife says she thinks I have been with another woman.  With her very next breath she says she need more sex (I never hold back).   I deny having any affair... .mainly because I haven't.   I ask her why she doesn't trust me.   She replies that "maybe I shouldn't trust her".

What the hell?   Is she cheating?   She says she thought about it two years ago during her last major dysregulation.

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[jedimaster]

Gut reaction says she's not but she'd love for you to think she is.  My uBPDw has accused me several times.  I was driving a shuttle van on a business trip about 10 years ago when I made the mistake of being on the phone with her while dropping coworkers off at their hotels, and she determined that I had dropped everyone else off first except one woman.  That was all the evidence needed for a torrid affair in her mind.  Never mind that she has also been friends with this woman and has been very close to her over the years.  When the lady (later widowed) remarried a few weeks ago, we were not invited as she had a small wedding and lives across the state.  My wife's reaction, was "Well, I'm sure it's just as well, as it would have been awkward for the two of you."  Huh?   

I don't know the best course of action, but I can tell you there is nothing you can say or do to convince her you are not having an affair, so don't beat yourself up worrying about that.  Validation may work on the abandonment fears or whatever is driving the accusations, but facts won't work.  With a BPD spouse you get all the accusations, guilt, and arguments of a real affair, but none of the sex.  Crappy deal. 

[Mike_confused]

I am not certain if she is cheating.   It does make me think she has an offer.

[Mike_confused]

my BPD wife threatened to cheat on me a couple years ago.   It makes me wonder about her recent statements.

[Grey Kitty]

99% certain it is projection.

What that means is that she is thinking about cheating, wants to cheat, has urges to cheat, or fantasies about cheating. That's the certain conclusion I'd draw from the projection.

Maybe there is a guy she would like to cheat with.

Maybe she is actively trying to cheat, but hasn't found a willing guy (yet).

Maybe she is actually cheating. Maybe not.

You need more information than the fact that she is projecting cheating onto you to confirm those possibilities either direction.

... .how do you feel about the possibility?

[Mike_confused]

How I would feel about her cheating ?   Simply put:  used.   I have provided everything for her.   I expect a certain level of affection in return, or at the very least, respect.  Cheating would show me neither.    I believe she knows that she would be burning a bridge by cheating.

BPD is not her fault.   It is a terrible burden for my wife to bear.  Nevertheless, it is not a "license to kill", a "get of of jail free card", nor an excuse for abusing me by cheating. 

I hope she hasn't and doesn't.   If she has she will tell me when she loses her temper -  she has no control over her mouth when she rages