Detaching with kindness and generosity

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I saw this article called Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits

www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3IiWEZTg0

I know this is the leaving board but as I was reading the article it occurred to me that I need to be more kind and generous to MYSELF. I have spent so many years trying to be kind and generous to my husband while he did not make those same efforts.

It is a long article but it gave me a lot of food for thought and helped me to better understand why I have felt so devalued. I have tried to turn towards him and share his interests and be interested in him while he did not turn towards me and show interest in me. The article explains it way better than I can. My whole point is that I need to do a better job of turning towards myself including celebrating my own victories and accomplishments. There have been so many times that I was excited about something he blew me off or found a way to make it about him.

One of the quotes from the article:

“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”

I know that the likelihood of being able to explain anything to the person you are detaching from is highly unlikely but I see it as a reminder to help me be more mindful about how I express my anger. And I see it as a call to let myself be hurt and angry. Instead of extending all of that kindness and generosity to my partner, I can extend it to myself.

In my case, I have 4 kids so I would like to continue to try to extend kindness and generosity to him even when I have feelings of hatred and anger towards him. The more kind and generous I can be with him, the better example I will be setting for our girls.

Does anybody have any thoughts or examples of ways that we can be kinder and more generous to ourselves and even the person that we are trying to detach from?

[vortex of confusion]

I saw this article called Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits

www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3IiWEZTg0

I know this is the leaving board but as I was reading the article it occurred to me that I need to be more kind and generous to MYSELF. I have spent so many years trying to be kind and generous to my husband while he did not make those same efforts.

It is a long article but it gave me a lot of food for thought and helped me to better understand why I have felt so devalued. I have tried to turn towards him and share his interests and be interested in him while he did not turn towards me and show interest in me. The article explains it way better than I can. My whole point is that I need to do a better job of turning towards myself including celebrating my own victories and accomplishments. There have been so many times that I was excited about something he blew me off or found a way to make it about him.

One of the quotes from the article:

“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”

I know that the likelihood of being able to explain anything to the person you are detaching from is highly unlikely but I see it as a reminder to help me be more mindful about how I express my anger. And I see it as a call to let myself be hurt and angry. Instead of extending all of that kindness and generosity to my partner, I can extend it to myself.

In my case, I have 4 kids so I would like to continue to try to extend kindness and generosity to him even when I have feelings of hatred and anger towards him. The more kind and generous I can be with him, the better example I will be setting for our girls.

Does anybody have any thoughts or examples of ways that we can be kinder and more generous to ourselves and even the person that we are trying to detach from?

[myself]

Be honest. Don't walk on eggshells. Accept/be kind with yourself first.

[vortex of confusion]

Be honest. Don't walk on eggshells. Accept/be kind with yourself first.

I am trying to think of what that might look like and how it might feel.

[SickofMe]

Remind yourself frequently that your needs are as important and significant as his.

Remind yourself frequently your girls need to see a good example of healthy boundaries and partnership.

Remind yourself frequently that is is your birthright to live a life aligned with your most deeply-held values.

Keep your communication with your ex in the "I" camp... .e.g. "I am not happy in this situation.  I need something different in order to be healthy."  Etc.

[Pingo]

I have read ALL of Gottman's books and when he talks about contempt killing the marriage, that is what killed my first marriage.  By the time we separated I couldn't stand the sight of him!  I stayed in the r/s way too long.  When I met my uBPDexh I was really determined to do things different.  I tried to always be kind and thoughtful and generous.  I worked really hard on the r/s.  And unfortunately I overdid it at the detriment of my own needs.  I tried so hard to be kind that I bit my tongue rather than voice my complaints.  I tried so hard to be generous that I ended up with all the financial burden.  I think reading those books and knowing how slippery a slope it is to contempt I knew I had to get out of the r/s.  I wasn't going to wait until I couldn't stand the sight of him. 

So how to be kind and generous AND have boundaries and take care of our own needs?  Believe we have a right to them.  Believe we have a right to be treated with kindness and generosity, even when we aren't 'behaving' a certain way or fulfilling their expectations.  I think that is why it is nearly impossible to have a r/s with a pwBPD.  Their kindness and generosity always has many conditions on it.  It is never given freely.

I think you hit the nail on the head, focus on giving yourself that kindness and generosity.  I think SickofMe has some great examples!

[vortex of confusion]

So how to be kind and generous AND have boundaries and take care of our own needs?  Believe we have a right to them.  Believe we have a right to be treated with kindness and generosity, even when we aren't 'behaving' a certain way or fulfilling their expectations.  I think that is why it is nearly impossible to have a r/s with a pwBPD.  Their kindness and generosity always has many conditions on it.  It is never given freely.

I think you hit the nail on the head, focus on giving yourself that kindness and generosity.  I think SickofMe has some great examples!

That whole feeling like I have to behave certain ways has always gotten to me. I will never forget when my dog died. That whole week or so after, I was a bit sad and would get snappy and weepy. I was that way with my husband and he picked a fight with me and wanted to turn it into a big deal. I was mad because I felt like I wasn't allowed to mourn the death of my dog without being called on the carpet for not behaving (or something). I want to feel like a woman (a whole person really). I want to be able to cry and be weepy and be grumpy and have pain and just friggin' fully experience the entire range of emotions without worrying about upsetting somebody else.

There are times when I have felt like I had to choose between being kind to myself or being kind to him. If I was kind to myself, then I wasn't being kind to him.