horrible holidays -- yet again

[nrsquared]

Hello all -- This is my first post, so I'm a little nervous!  I am just so frustrated and sad.  My 30-year old sister (2  years younger than me) has BPD, and has since she was 13 -- this includes a drug addiction (cocaine, meth, etc... .), prostitution, multiple boyfriends/fiancees who have been/are incarcerated, suicide attempts, felonies, etc etc etc.  Obviously, it has been a long road, and I have no doubt that it will continue to be.  My parents, on the other hand, are eternally optimistic.  I have had a long-standing rule that I will not meet any of my sister's boyfriends until she has been with them for 1 year without breaking up.  This is because many of them are dangerous (involved in drugs, identity theft, etc... .), and the relationships rarely last more than a couple of months.  She has been engaged over a dozen times.  I also have two young daughters (5 years and 1 year).  My family lives in the same state as my sister, and my parents and brother live across the country.  So that is the context.

The current situation involves the holidays -- always a tension-filled time in our family.  My husband and I have been plannin to spend Christmas with my parents, my brother and his long-time girlfriend, and our two daughters of course.  We have had airline tickets for several months.  Just this week, my sister decided she also wants to fly home for the holidays, with her fiancee (she has known this guy for ~4 months).  I found out about this from my brother, who found out from my parents.  My brother and sister haven't spoken in 1.5 years, but just recently started talking again since my sister wants to come home (and my brother lives in the same town as my parents).  So my brother is on board with her coming home for the holidays.  However, I (and my husband) are not, especially with the fiancee.  So my parents finally call me to ask my opinion about it (I waited for them to bring it up, I have learned -- for better or worse -- to try to sit back and watch how things unfold as much as possible, rather than get involved).  I told them that we are okay with my sister being there for the holidays, even though we are pretty sure there will be a blow-up/drama at some point, but we are not okay with the fiancee, and won't be able to come if he is there.  My parents immediately started trying to rationalize why I should be okay with it, eg. "We have Skyped with "fiancee" many times and he seems like a great guy", "Your sister really wants to reconnect with the family", "Maybe you could have lunch with him and decide for yourself that he's okay."  When I didn't budge, they then started saying things like "This is going to break our family", "This is what we've always wanted to avoid", "This is going to hurt your father so much (said by my mom)", etc... .  My dad even went so far as to say "Well, I guess your family has a new definition now -- just the four of you".  This absolutely destroys me.  I'm just at a total loss.  I start to doubt myself -- maybe I am being selfish, just thinking about myself and my kids, and not about my parents feelings. It is so hard to know what is "right".  I'm just feeling horrible right now, and very alone. My brother just says he doesn't want to get involved.  My sister tells me I am being selfish. And my parents tell me I am ruining the family and the holidays.  My husband is the only one who tells me I being completely rational.  It is just so hard, and I feel really lonely.  Hoping that perhaps someone out there can at least sympathize:)  Best to you all, having a BPD in the family is so hard.

[jdtm]

 

My dad even went so far as to say "Well, I guess your family has a new definition now -- just the four of you".

This is a very difficult concept for parents to get.  Our sons are both married with children.  Each immediate family includes our son, DIL, grandchildren.  Their extended family includes FOO and in-laws and siblings.  Their extended extended family includes aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. 

So, yes, your father was correct even though he did not like it or understand it.  We found this to be a major issue particularly with the FOO of our DIL.  Those of us with sons seem to "get it sooner" because the FOO of the woman  tends to get favoured.  Now, this is not a criticism - it is the way the world operates. My point - you must consider the needs of your immediate family first.

Now, as for Christmas.  If I understood correctly, you have tickets to fly to your parents' home for Christmas.  Because it is their home (and you and your family are now extended family to them), you do not get the right to decide who is on guest list and who is not.  However, you do get the right to decide whether you go or not.  If it were me, I would go - but be ready to leave at the first sign of drama.  I hope you have not purchased round-trip tickets - is there any place you could stay for the duration of the holidays rather than your parents' home or escape if need be or leave early? 

As for the holidays with a BPD - actually it was better when our BPD (now ex-DIL) did not show up.  But, she was our DIL for several years and the mother of our grandchildren.  It is not easy.  But, the "Norman Rockwell" Christmas is more of a fantasy than a reality - I sympathize with you; I don't think you are selfish; you can not ruin (or make) someone else' holiday; there is no "correct" answer here.  Follow your heart and if you decide to go to your parents' home, make alternate plans - just in case.  All the best... .

[ElvisLives]

If your parents think this boyfriend of hers is actually an ok guy, then I would trust that some.

Perhaps she finally has someone who is a stabilising influence on her?  Who knows?

But I think that you should go... .but have a back up plan in case it doesn't work out.  Is there any other family you can stay with or will you book a hotel where you can stay and control the times and duration of your visits?

FWIW, I have a uBPD mother and I would never stay in her house, ever.  But I would consider staying at a family lodge hotel type thing and therefore having an escape plan.

If you have other family in the area, you can organise a series of visits to them too, which will break up the situation.  Plus you could take advantage of the area and fix up some great activities for your children too. 

Families have patterns and I find they slip into them in an instant.  Finding what the pattern is and responding quickly to it by using your escape plan, will ensure you have a good holiday.

You need to get some tactics to employ so that you avoid responding to the situation if you feel triggers going off.  There's plenty of help here on the boards in The Learning Centre so have a look there.

I am learning my mother's triggers (always turning the conversation to her illnesses so she feels needed and loved) so I have several one liners I use to redirect conversation.

I do believe my responses to her are as important as what she's saying in the dynamic and I refuse to be dragged into it over and over, so I have to change my responses to prevent the family meltdown scene... .make sense? 

I takes practice but you can do it.

Go ahead and enjoy your Christmas! 

[Anna Butterfly]

 

You are not alone!  It is a tough situation, and when your parents start with the attacks and guilt trips it makes it feel even worse.  Sorry you have to deal with this, holidays should be so something to look forward to.  From your post it sounds like you don't want to go.  You need to do what you feel is best for your own family.

My sister is BPD also and I'm in the same boat.  I don't want to be around her drama over the holidays, but more importantly I don't want my kids around it.  Since I first put my foot down a few years ago, my parents went on the attack, accusing me of ripping the family apart, being spiteful and selfish.  Over the past two years, the only time my father has called me was for the sole purpose of attacking me on behalf of my sister.  I screen all my calls from my parents for this reason.  We invited them to Thanksgiving this year, and they said since we invited them as well as my sister, they were going to spend Thanksgiving alone.  My dad tried calling to guilt me, I didn't answer so my husband took the call and just told them "ok".  This is not the way I want it to be, but honestly we are going to have a much happier holiday without having to deal with my sister's tantrums and my parents' guilt trips.  I don't want my family around any of it.

It is terrible to hear this kind of stuff from your parents, I'm sorry they said that to you, it hurts.  At the end of the day do what's right for yourself, your husband, and your kids.  You are the best judge of that, not your parents.

The holidays  can be rough,

-Anna

[Shankz]

sorry to hear your troubles, definitely a terrible situation.how i wish i can lend you a hand right now  but, all i can do for now is to have you in my prayer tonight

[Woolspinner2000]

Nrsquared, 

Glad to have you on board with us here!

I thought your situation both interesting and very parallel to some that I've gone through, but many years ago. My uBPDm passed away 2 years ago, but when she was alive, for many many years we travelled from Ohio to Florida to spend Christmas with her. I have an older brother and a sister who is 7 1/2 years younger. While I don't know that my brother is BPD, I also don't know that he isn't. He is very much like our mom, and quite unstable. I'm sharing this part to help you with the context of what is to follow.

In those years, our mom always pushed my brother to come down for the holidays (he lived 3+ hours away) so that he could be 'with the family.' She was always very disappointed if he didn't come. I on the other hand, didn't care but it was easier if he didn't come. Part of the reason was because I knew he really didn't want to be there and it was also a question of which girlfriend would he have this time around?  He has had at least 12 or maybe 15 live in girlfriends over the years he's been on his own. He has 4 sons by 3 different women. So here I was, exposing my 3 young children to an uncle who was unstable.

Your question prompted me to email my children and ask them how they saw things and what they remembered. Interesting responses from my girls. My son was too young to remember at the time our trips to Florida. The girls both separately told me how much they liked this one lady because she spent time with them and did their nails. Isn't it funny what they would remember?  However, they both said that they were sad when this lady was gone from their lives and how after that they didn't pay attention to any other women he'd bring down. They remember their uncle for his loudness and obnoxiousness and noticed that he didn't seem to like children. I know he didn't like to be around my family because my choices to have children and be a parent to them were quite opposite of his choices for he only paid child support and was not a dad.

However, that being said, my D1 who is 28 and a mom of my 1st grandchild wrote one other interesting thing that I wanted to share since it is your children (and mine) that this thread is about. She said that she didn't think it was bad that they were exposed to their uncle and his different lifestyle choices as long as there was someone there like me (a parent) to sit down and talk with them about what was going on and what was seen. That to her seemed to be the most important. In other words it helped her to make sense of it all and to understand. Now that my children are older, I've taken time to tell them slowly about Gma (uBPD). When they were young I wanted them to see Gma for who she was, not who I saw her as. I was always there though to watch over them and keep them safe.

My D2 also mentioned that when she was 11 years old was when she 1st became aware of the fact that something was different about Gma because Gma always made herself the center of attention. Of course for me that was about 10 years before I even knew what BPD was as a diagnosis but I sure knew first hand!

So those are some thoughts from a fellow sojourner who has been there before. I don't know if that will help you with the choices you need to make as each family is different and you know your parent and sibling and your children better then any of us do. I wish you well!

Woolspinner