Is NC meant for us to heal or for them to miss us ?

[guy4caligirl]

I sometimes wonder if NC when used well , it doesn't make us feel good but we have to in order to move on , but I know that we do it too for another reason , let them wonder how we aren't no longer present in their lives .

My question is does anyone knows if there're bothered by that or they don't even care they are better off not hearing from us ?

Did anyone recycled after NC and why ?

[Deeno02]

Personally, I dont care how they feel. This is about me and getting back on my feet. Me first. I gave and gave until I shattered, and to her, I didnt meet the goal, I'll find someone who will. Guess my point is, in my case, she doesnt care, or if she does/did, its so buried and not allowed to be reflected on other than in the negative to the replacement, who, in my case, is 2 months in and being hailed, Im sure, as the Julius Ceaser of relationships for rescuing her from big, bad, me like I rescued her from big, bad, ex-husband. So when her new relationship fails at some point, those feelings will be repressed on top of all the others. A horrible cycle for them. In conclusion, NC is for me. I dont think for one iota, that she misses me in any way, shape or form because she's wrapped up with the new guy. I may be wrong, you guys with more experience will have more info than I have because Im just over 2 months b/u, but its how I feel. After all, in her words to me "I finally know what I want".

[guy4caligirl]

In my case DEENO she said " she finally found someone that treats her with respect and makes her laugh not cry "

[Deeno02]

In my case DEENO she said " she finally found someone that treats her with respect and makes her laugh not cry "

Its their reality man, we are just living in it... .

[CareTaker]

People with Borderline Personality Disorder has a history of stormy dysfunctional relationships. People leave Borderline relationships because they are rejected or they need to protect themselves or protect their children from emotional or verbal abuse. But most departing partners struggle to disengage because they are bonded to an unhealthy partner in an unhealthy way.

Reading this quote from elsewhere on this site, I think no contact is the best way to go. You must ask yourself if you REALLY need this person in your life. What has your ex added to your life over the time when you where together? In my case ... .Nothing... .!

She just demanded, and I was treated like dirt when she never got what she wanted.

Some time ago I heard from people what I lousy person I am. I heard some things that actually was so shocking, I burst out laughing. This is a woman who has no personality, and can only play on the feelings of my replacement, for sorrow. To make him believe she has just survived a huge trauma and he came at the right time to rescue her. I gave this woman more than I have ever had to give others, yet I was told how chit I treated her.

Little does he know, he will get the same treatment.

Now ask yourself, is there anything positive your ex can add to your life? I have quite a few friends, and I really do not see what I would get out of being friends with my ex. Friends are someone who respect you, and share things with you. You can ask a friend advice, you can go out and have a good time. Friends never insult you personally and don't have a list of demands that have to be met. A friend in need, is a friend indeed.

I just could not find any reason why I must have my ex for a friend. Yet 2 of my ex's from previous relationships are my best friends. But this lunatic, no ways. Not for me.

[Deeno02]

People with Borderline Personality Disorder has a history of stormy dysfunctional relationships. People leave Borderline relationships because they are rejected or they need to protect themselves or protect their children from emotional or verbal abuse. But most departing partners struggle to disengage because they are bonded to an unhealthy partner in an unhealthy way.

Reading this quote from elsewhere on this site, I think no contact is the best way to go. You must ask yourself if you REALLY need this person in your life. What has your ex added to your life over the time when you where together? In my case ... .Nothing... .!

She just demanded, and I was treated like dirt when she never got what she wanted.

Some time ago I heard from people what I lousy person I am. I heard some things that actually was so shocking, I burst out laughing. This is a woman who has no personality, and can only play on the feelings of my replacement, for sorrow. To make him believe she has just survived a huge trauma and he came at the right time to rescue her. I gave this woman more than I have ever had to give others, yet I was told how chit I treated her.

Little does he know, he will get the same treatment.

Now ask yourself, is there anything positive your ex can add to your life? I have quite a few friends, and I really do not see what I would get out of being friends with my ex. Friends are someone who respect you, and share things with you. You can ask a friend advice, you can go out and have a good time. Friends never insult you personally and don't have a list of demands that have to be met. A friend in need, is a friend indeed.

I just could not find any reason why I must have my ex for a friend. Yet 2 of my ex's from previous relationships are my best friends. But this lunatic, no ways. Not for me.

Exactly Care Taker. Im friends with my ex wife and her husband (who was a friend), who ran away together. Why? Because they are somewhat normal and have had 3 years of hell because of what they did and realize what they did and had remorse. Doesnt excuse it at all, but they at least accepted some ownership for it. My BPDGF? All my fault, Period. No ownership at all. Just all me. Im the bad guy, shes the victim(again).

[fromheeltoheal]

I sometimes wonder if NC when used well , it doesn't make us feel good but we have to in order to move on , but I know that we do it too for another reason , let them wonder how we aren't no longer present in their lives .

The mighty "NC" tends to be this big thing around here, to the point it can get in the way; I just don't talk to my ex anymore, because I don't want to, doesn't have to be more complicated than that, although in the beginning it can seem incomprehensible to not communicate with someone we're in deep with, so it's a good thing that "Go NC" is elevated as a 'thing'; we need the extra push.  I didn't need much help, I left her by fleeing, bolting from the chaos, because I thought i was literally going insane, I could see no other option at the time, and it was months before I wasn't thinking about her full time and still very much in it emotionally, but I stuck to my resolve because my head knew it was right, as my heart protested.  That was a trauma bond breaking.

And then one of the stages of grieving is anger, and when we're angry at our exes for sht that went down, it's normal to want revenge, which is where your "let them wonder" comes from guy4.

My question is does anyone knows if there're bothered by that or they don't even care they are better off not hearing from us ?

So borderlines fear abandonment above all else, a replaying of the trauma that created the disorder to begin with; they never made it through the stage of development where we feel abandoned by our caregivers, we weather the subsequent abandonment depression, necessary steps in developing an ego and becoming a 'self'.  Borderlines never do that, so they bang up against it for a lifetime.  The clinical side may not help at this point, but the point is the best way to hurt a borderline is to abandon them without a trace, that cuts to the core.

And then after a while the anger will pass as we move into another phase, whatever's next for us, for me it was depression, and somewhere along the way it will stop being about the ex and start being about us.  "NC" is a tool we use to shift our focus from our ex to us and from the past to the future, and once we start building a life of our design and living it, 'NC' doesn't mean anything more than keeping empowering people in our lives and removing disempowering ones.  And then, after the grieving, we may even develop compassion for our exes, mine walks a very tough road and I wish her peace one day, although she is not welcome in my life.

Take care of you!

[Pingo]

NC is my way of taking back control of my life.  It is to keep myself even-keeled (as possible) and not allow him to influence my mental health any longer.  It is also a way to say I'm moving on and leave me alone. 

Mine has made it pretty easy, he has kept his distance, but he did text me recently after many months NC.  I had him blocked so he received a message saying his message was not delivered... .even though I could still read it.  It did make me feel good on an ego level that he knows I am in control of me.  I'm taking my power back.  I'm not going to play his games anymore.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder has a history of stormy dysfunctional relationships. People leave Borderline relationships because they are rejected or they need to protect themselves or protect their children from emotional or verbal abuse. But most departing partners struggle to disengage because they are bonded to an unhealthy partner in an unhealthy way.

Reading this quote from elsewhere on this site, I think no contact is the best way to go. You must ask yourself if you REALLY need this person in your life. What has your ex added to your life over the time when you where together? In my case ... .Nothing... .!

She just demanded, and I was treated like dirt when she never got what she wanted.

Some time ago I heard from people what I lousy person I am. I heard some things that actually was so shocking, I burst out laughing. This is a woman who has no personality, and can only play on the feelings of my replacement, for sorrow. To make him believe she has just survived a huge trauma and he came at the right time to rescue her. I gave this woman more than I have ever had to give others, yet I was told how chit I treated her.

Little does he know, he will get the same treatment.

Now ask yourself, is there anything positive your ex can add to your life? I have quite a few friends, and I really do not see what I would get out of being friends with my ex. Friends are someone who respect you, and share things with you. You can ask a friend advice, you can go out and have a good time. Friends never insult you personally and don't have a list of demands that have to be met. A friend in need, is a friend indeed.

I just could not find any reason why I must have my ex for a friend. Yet 2 of my ex's from previous relationships are my best friends. But this lunatic, no ways. Not for me.

This is a really good question, What did our exes add to our life?  To take this further, if they came back and somehow realised how bad they behaved and were apologetic, would we want them back?  I know in the beginning I would have said yes but now that the trauma bond is lessening I realise how bad a fit we were, how little values we shared, etc.  I don't think I could get over the hurt he caused and I don't think I could ever trust him again. 

[neverloveagain]

They dont miss anything i think because they are already onwards and upwards with one of the replacements, i guess they were always there i just never noticed. Ive been 7months nc because the trauma she caused me its the only way for me to save myself and send her a boundry maybee the only one ever. Im sure from time to time when its quiet they think till the shame pangs come then let it go.

[Infared]

Personally, I dont care how they feel. This is about me and getting back on my feet. Me first. I gave and gave until I shattered, and to her, I didnt meet the goal, I'll find someone who will. Guess my point is, in my case, she doesnt care, or if she does/did, its so buried and not allowed to be reflected on other than in the negative to the replacement, who, in my case, is 2 months in and being hailed, Im sure, as the Julius Ceaser of relationships for rescuing her from big, bad, me like I rescued her from big, bad, ex-husband. So when her new relationship fails at some point, those feelings will be repressed on top of all the others. A horrible cycle for them. In conclusion, NC is for me. I dont think for one iota, that she misses me in any way, shape or form because she's wrapped up with the new guy. I may be wrong, you guys with more experience will have more info than I have because Im just over 2 months b/u, but its how I feel. After all, in her words to me "I finally know what I want".

I am sure that is what I experienced. mine was 100% in to the new relationship before she left... .I was just a nuisance to be rid of ("I kind of need a clean break here." ... .and not much thought was given to me at all until the new road got a little bumpy.  That is when NCOS is really important to protect me from more self-centered craziness and abuse.

[antonio1213]

Personally, I dont care how they feel. This is about me and getting back on my feet. Me first. I gave and gave until I shattered, and to her, I didnt meet the goal, I'll find someone who will.

Deeno is right on target. She rarely cared if I was hurt throughout the relationship, and it was all about her. They are selfish, self centered, angry, manipulative, broken, hurt individuals. it is nearly impossible to have a true relationship with them.

Not only is my ex gf BPD but I have heard from a counselor that my mother has BPD tendencies…It all makes sense now. After seeing how my mother jumps from man to man I can almost see it from my exBPDgf point of view. Everything in their lives is based off of need. Their need. It is so clear in my ex and my mother.

NC is second nature to them and to us it is a painful paiiiinful thing we must do to withdrawal. They won't miss us until they need something from us.

[Deeno02]

Personally, I dont care how they feel. This is about me and getting back on my feet. Me first. I gave and gave until I shattered, and to her, I didnt meet the goal, I'll find someone who will.

Deeno is right on target. She rarely cared if I was hurt throughout the relationship, and it was all about her. They are selfish, self centered, angry, manipulative, broken, hurt individuals. it is nearly impossible to have a true relationship with them.

Not only is my ex gf BPD but I have heard from a counselor that my mother has BPD tendencies…It all makes sense now. After seeing how my mother jumps from man to man I can almost see it from my exBPDgf point of view. Everything in their lives is based off of need. Their need. It is so clear in my ex and my mother.

NC is second nature to them and to us it is a painful paiiiinful thing we must do to withdrawal. They won't miss us until they need something from us.

Hope thats not true because as mine said"when Im done, Im done". Good. If I never have to see her face again it would be to soon. Unfortunately, she coaches my kid... .sigh

[Infared]

Personally, I dont care how they feel. This is about me and getting back on my feet. Me first. I gave and gave until I shattered, and to her, I didnt meet the goal, I'll find someone who will.

Deeno is right on target. She rarely cared if I was hurt throughout the relationship, and it was all about her. They are selfish, self centered, angry, manipulative, broken, hurt individuals. it is nearly impossible to have a true relationship with them.

Not only is my ex gf BPD but I have heard from a counselor that my mother has BPD tendencies…It all makes sense now. After seeing how my mother jumps from man to man I can almost see it from my exBPDgf point of view. Everything in their lives is based off of need. Their need. It is so clear in my ex and my mother.

NC is second nature to them and to us it is a painful paiiiinful thing we must do to withdrawal. They won't miss us until they need something from us.

Hope thats not true because as mine said"when Im done, Im done". Good. If I never have to see her face again it would be to soon. Unfortunately, she coaches my kid... .sigh

Dig deep, make the choice and give her no power over you!

[Craydar]

NC is used for both in healthy relationships. I'm not sure they are able to miss us the way a non would. If they've moved on to a new target and are idealizing that person, I'm not sure they care. They may have fleeting moments of yearning for something you did for them because they want that feeling, but selfishly its about the way they felt and not about you. Sounds harsh, but it's part of the disease.

[Skip]

I sometimes wonder if NC when used well , it doesn't make us feel good but we have to in order to move on , but I know that we do it too for another reason , let them wonder how we aren't no longer present in their lives .

My question is does anyone knows if there're bothered by that or they don't even care they are better off not hearing from us ?

Did anyone recycled after NC and why ?

guy4caligirl,

Detachment is what we are working on.  :)etachment.

NC is a tool.  LC is a tool.  An frankly, sometimes the best way to detach is to detach within the confines of the relationship.

But think about detachment.

Going no contact is for us when we can't detach with contact.  Going no contact is for us when the other party is not letting go.  When you go NC to make someone miss you its called silent treatment - and it generally considered immature and borderline abusive.

[myself]

No Contact is for us to take care of our own wounds, find balance, and make better sense of where we're at. Silent Treatment would be when you don't communicate with someone to intentionally hurt or bother them, to control their situation more than be working on your own. Playing a destructive game more than living a healthy life. I think many of our exes do miss us, no matter how things ended or who stopped talking with who, but their shame is something that both digs the hole and keeps it covered up.

[guy4caligirl]

Personally, I dont care how they feel. This is about me and getting back on my feet. Me first. I gave and gave until I shattered, and to her, I didnt meet the goal, I'll find someone who will.

Deeno is right on target. She rarely cared if I was hurt throughout the relationship, and it was all about her. They are selfish, self centered, angry, manipulative, broken, hurt individuals. it is nearly impossible to have a true relationship with them.


I am going on my third day , the last time I spoke to her cause she needed money told go ask your new guy .

I out of loving you and you are bad news don't contact me anymore .

Like someone said here on this site when you go NC you hit them in the core abadement  that they fear it's none of my business though .

Not only is my ex gf BPD but I have heard from a counselor that my mother has BPD tendencies…It all makes sense now. After seeing how my mother jumps from man to man I can almost see it from my exBPDgf point of view. Everything in their lives is based off of need. Their need. It is so clear in my ex and my mother.

NC is second nature to them and to us it is a painful paiiiinful thing we must do to withdrawal. They won't miss us until they need something from us.

Hope thats not true because as mine said"when Im done, Im done". Good. If I never have to see her face again it would be to soon. Unfortunately, she coaches my kid... .sigh

Dig deep, make the choice and give her no power over you!

[Deeno02]

I sometimes wonder if NC when used well , it doesn't make us feel good but we have to in order to move on , but I know that we do it too for another reason , let them wonder how we aren't no longer present in their lives .

My question is does anyone knows if there're bothered by that or they don't even care they are better off not hearing from us ?

Did anyone recycled after NC and why ?

guy4caligirl,

Detachment is what we are working on.  :)etachment.

NC is a tool.  LC is a tool.  An frankly, sometimes the best way to detach is to detach within the confines of the relationship.

But think about detachment.

Going no contact is for us when we can't detach with contact.  Going no contact is for us when the other party is not letting go.  When you go NC to make someone miss you its called silent treatment - and it generally considered immature and borderline abusive.

Thanks Skip. So I shouldnt be in NC? She let me go and moved on and I have not made contact with her at all. Guess Im a little confused on it. I have been working on the detachment process though and I think Im at 2-3 area. Hovering at the 2 though as stuff pops in my head that I have forgotten or repressed and I have to go back and explore those feelings again.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks Skip. So I shouldnt be in NC? She let me go and moved on and I have not made contact with her at all. Guess Im a little confused on it. I have been working on the detachment process though and I think Im at 2-3 area. Hovering at the 2 though as stuff pops in my head that I have forgotten or repressed and I have to go back and explore those feelings again.

You should do what you want to do Deeno.  If you want her in your life, then pursue her, if you don't, then remove her.  If you want her but not the way she is and want to change her, you might rethink your objectives; think how hard it is to change yourself, and then imagine how much more difficult it would be to change someone else.  Take care of you!

[Skip]

Thanks Skip. So I shouldnt be in NC? She let me go and moved on and I have not made contact with her at all. Guess Im a little confused on it. I have been working on the detachment process though and I think Im at 2-3 area. Hovering at the 2 though as stuff pops in my head that I have forgotten or repressed and I have to go back and explore those feelings again.

Question: What is the best way to build a great house?  

___ Buy a hammer?  

___ Buy a good architectural plan?

Question: What is the best way to recover from a bad relationship?  

___ Go NC?  

___ Go through a well thought out recovery plan?

We get way to caught up in going NC at the expense of losing sight of what we really need to accomplish.

So I shouldnt be in NC? She let me go and moved on and I have not made contact with her at all. Guess Im a little confused on it.

She not contacting you, right?  The points mute.  

But say she sends you a happy birthday text in 3 months? Going NC for 3 months and then thinking she wants to recycle and being stressed out by it is a classic example of no contact 'fools gold".  We can say we accomplished a lot by going no contact for three months, but the issue is emotional detachment.  Working through the death of the relationship.

So, no I'm not saying contact her or don't contact her.  I'm saying stay focused on solving dialectical dilemmas and detachment.  

What are you doing to detach?  

If the first thing and biggest thing on your list is NC - watch out.  

[Deeno02]

Thanks Skip. So I shouldnt be in NC? She let me go and moved on and I have not made contact with her at all. Guess Im a little confused on it. I have been working on the detachment process though and I think Im at 2-3 area. Hovering at the 2 though as stuff pops in my head that I have forgotten or repressed and I have to go back and explore those feelings again.

You should do what you want to do Deeno.  If you want her in your life, then pursue her, if you don't, then remove her.  If you want her but not the way she is and want to change her, you might rethink your objectives; think how hard it is to change yourself, and then imagine how much more difficult it would be to change someone else.  Take care of you!

Oh hell no. No way I want her back. I was just a little confused on Skips NC thing is all.

[Deeno02]

Thanks Skip. So I shouldnt be in NC? She let me go and moved on and I have not made contact with her at all. Guess Im a little confused on it. I have been working on the detachment process though and I think Im at 2-3 area. Hovering at the 2 though as stuff pops in my head that I have forgotten or repressed and I have to go back and explore those feelings again.

Question: What is the best way to build a great house?  

___ Buy a hammer?  

___ Buy a good architectural plan?

Question: What is the best way to recover from a bad relationship?  

___ Go NC?  

___ Go through a well thought out recovery plan?

We get way to caught up in going NC at the expense of losing sight of what we really need to accomplish.

So I shouldnt be in NC? She let me go and moved on and I have not made contact with her at all. Guess Im a little confused on it.

She not contacting you, right?  The points mute.  

But say she sends you a happy birthday text in 3 months? Going NC for 3 months and then thinking she wants to recycle and being stressed out by it is a classic example of no contact 'fools gold".  We can say we accomplished a lot by going no contact for three months, but the issue is emotional detachment.  Working through the death of the relationship.

So, no I'm not saying contact her or don't contact her.  I'm saying stay focused on solving dialectical dilemmas and detachment.  

What are you doing to detach?  

If the first thing and biggest thing on your list is NC - watch out.  

Hmm, maybe Im a little further ahead than I thought. I did remove any and everything contact wise as not to be the fools gold victim. Im indifferent now. Processing and sometimes its not good processing, but its processing none the less. I guess Im hung up on the NC because I have a time coming up when I will have to be around her and I dont want that aggrevation.

[Skip]

Specifically, what are you doing to recover - other than NC.  What's the plan or at least the next step.

[myself]

Detachment has helped me see it's mostly NC now because she's not in my life and I'm not in hers. We're not in touch anymore, the r/s is over, with valid reasons for that which I accept. If I saw her today I could deal with it fairly calmly and honestly. I wouldn't go backwards, but continue forward.

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess Im hung up on the NC because I have a time coming up when I will have to be around her and I dont want that aggrevation.

So there's detachment motivation.  If perfect detachment is being around her and having no emotional reaction whatsoever, what do you need to get there, or at least in that direction, by then?  Also, something like that is a good opportunity to check in with how your detachment is going: say, for example, you fall to your knees crying, wrap your arms around her leg and beg her to take you back, in front of 20 people.  That wouldn't be very good detachment.  Saying 'hi' to her with full eye contact and no pitter-patter in your heart, like she just doesn't matter anymore, could be considered good detachment.  Where do you want to be?  What work, specifically, do you have to do?