First date with another non yet thinking of expwBPD

[Hawk Ridge]

Last pm, I finally went out on an official date since my ex left me in March.  I have kept the door open with my ex intentionally, LC, and intend to keep this.   We text every fee weeks and ex always says she loves me - I choose to believe this is as a friend to keep my expectations low. 

Last pm, i went out with a non who, it turns out, went through a similar situation of their ex leaving them abruptly without explanation, left feeling like a "loser" like I have been.  We had just such a nice drama free time.  At one point, we talked about communication as both of us had been with people who would not speak or resolve anything.,  we both talked of what a value that is now. It didn't have the intensity, the adoration, just stable and easy... .now that's hard to get even though it is so much easier to manage and handle.    A drama free, open communication evening and I woke up thinking of my ex... .with mixed feelings of knowing her inability to have a day without emotional pain, compassion for my replacement for going through what I went through, bummed that they are still together and the holidays are coming, wondering if she can feel I lam moving on slowly and surely but moving on. and reflecting that I had a really nice time last pm.  How's that for mixed up? :-). Am I that addicted to our dysfunctional r/s that I miss the intensity? The emotional battering?

I was reading another post here this am about reverse grieving in reverse and I have to be honest, I have been waiting for her to come back.  She dysregulates during the holidays and her birthday is in December.  I threw her an amazing party last year - she felt so special, absolutely loved it.  Does she remember me?  Does she grieve me?  Why isn't she back yet?  I miss her and I hate her disease. 

I feel like this must sound crazy but I guess I just needed to write this to others here to see if anyone can relate.   Please let me know if you do.  Thank you

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hawk Ridge, You describe yourself as having "mixed feelings" which seems pretty accurate based on what you have related.  If so, perhaps it would be worthwhile to sit with your feelings and just observe, without judging your feelings one way or another.  Listen to your gut, not your head.  What is it that you really want here?  Only you know, deep down, what is right for you.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim