Dsitrusting and unforgiving of my BPDw and myself

[Samuel S.]

With my BPDw's distancing with her studies, attending school, and working, also once in a while, mind blowing verbal abusve, and me reflecting on this situation in journaling and with my T, I wish to disclose to you some raw thoughts that maybe you can relate to.

We nonBPDs were essentially deceived into believing that the love of our lives was real. Then, the slow or fast change appeared until the loves of our lives turned out to be BPDs. We eventually found this website to learn methods to deal with our BPDs so that our lives are better or to move on, like the other boards. Yet, you and I are here on this board doing the best we can to stay or to consider leaving.

My raw thoughts are that with all the distrust and with all the love that I have, the distrust is not only for her, but for my own judgment. I know rationally it is not my fault. It is totally hers for turning out the way she has. I did not do anything wrong, but it is truly challenging to trust my own judgment. It hurts.

Along with my other post about forgiveness, it is truly challenging to forgive her for her verbal abuse and, oddly enough, truly challenging to forgive myself, that I was so "drunk with love", that I couldn't see the BPD signs. Frankly, if I could turn back time, I would plead and beg my former self to run away from her. Yet, here I am with her, distrusting and unforgiving, if you will, of her for her verbal abuse and feeling distrust about myself and kicking myself for not being more realistic instead of idealistic.

On the other hand, I do have my teaching, tutoring, workshops, books, friends, and some relatives that bring sanity to me, but on a deeper, more personal level, it certainly would be nice to have a trusting, loving, caring, sincere relationship. Yeah, I am asking a lot, but that seemed to be what my BPDw had shown me on a regular basis until she changed.

[Indyan]

Hi Samuel, I'm there too.

Yes, I feel an entire new world has opened to me... .the world of caring for someone who's unstable and crazy. I have learnt a lot these last months, but I have suffered like never before too.

But for me the worst is not just what he's done to me (leaving me with the kids, criticizing me behind my back, accusing me, threatening me, putting pressure on me... .), it's the feeling of injustice.

The T we saw said he might be Schizophrenic and here we are still, he says everything's fine with him and not seeing a doctor.

I'm sick and tired, and I feel there will be no improvement in the future  

Like you, I long for a fulfilling r/s, and I'm seriously considering dating other guys (if I find any )

[Samuel S.]

Indyan, has the T mentioned to your BPDh that he might be schizophrenic? That might be a start to change for your BPDh.

Yeah, like you, I'm sick and tired of the mind games that my BPDw plays with herself and then trying to plunge them all on me. The most recent example was she called me last night from out of town due to taking classes 2 days and spending overnight there. She was either excited or extremely nervous or trying to plunge all of her stress onto me about how busy she is with the classes that she is taking and the tests and finals coming up. After this monologue, she asked me what time I got home. When I told her, she was a little surprised, but I mentioned that I had a late tutoring appointment last night. Otherwise, the entire conversation resumed around her.

Our BPDs are selfish, and we are the ones who had seen the good in them, only to be diminished by their actions.

Yeah, longing for a fulfilling, equal relationship is what I strive for as well. It is just this commitment thing about being married. Maybe, that is "old school". Yeah, I realize people get divorced and move on. Yet, I have felt that "where there is life, there is hope". Perhaps, I am wrong. 

[Indyan]

It is just this commitment thing about being married. Maybe, that is "old school". Yeah, I realize people get divorced and move on. Yet, I have felt that "where there is life, there is hope". Perhaps, I am wrong. 

I feel just the same. We are not married (although he had proposed) but building a family around our baby and my D10 was/is extremely valuable to me.

But, I feel betrayed in many ways, and this feeling is not going away.

I'd need him to see a doctor, get treatment, apologize, tell his family the truth and not go through all this crap again... .needless to say I'm asking for a miracle 

[Samuel S.]

I would like to give a brutally honest example of what I mean by distrusting and unforgiving myself. My BPDw is extremely health conscious, which is good. She prepares healthy meals and buys even packaged salads for me to take when I am out for the day. I don't eat them all too often. They don't fill me up. Also, considering how verbally abusive she has been and how self-centered she can be, her advice rings hollow for me. Also, I drink a soda a day, but I otherwise eat healthy stuff when I am at home. So, distrusting her turns into distrusting myself. So, not forgiving how she has been to me turns into not forgiving myself, such as being duped by her, how she has hurt others, and me feeling that I am no good on a personal level. On a professional level, I am fine, because I love helping people, but I can't help myself. Bottom line, my BPDw has really done a number on me. I have been in and out of therapy, and I am in it now. Considering how weak I am on a personal level and seeing how she seems like "the powerful Oz" if you will (sarcasm included!), I prefer not share any of this with her, because she is incapable of listening, empathizing, and validating.

[Perdita]

Otherwise, the entire conversation resumed around her.

Our BPDs are selfish, and we are the ones who had seen the good in them, only to be diminished by their actions.

Your entire lives probably revolve mostly around her.  They are indeed very selfish.

I've been realizing more and more that everything is always about him.  Where he wants to go, what he wants to do, who he wants to see.  On those super rare occasions when we do something I want it is very short lived as he becomes like a bored 5 year old after only a few minutes.  This is communicated to me both verbally and through his body language.  It has to be about him all of the time. 

He considers himself to be this incredibly spontaneous person.  Having read several of the old messages between him and his ex (his only other relationship) I discovered that he constantly accused her of not being spontaneous and she was always apologizing for this.  However, I know that he was gaslighting her.  He is only "spontaneous" when it comes to what he wants to do.  She was desperately trying to keep up with all his last minutes whims.  The way I see it he was making her feel bad to try and deflect from the fact that he was the selfish ass that not only lacks spontaneity but is also unwilling to do the give and take that healthy relationships are build on.

This is how they confuse us.  How they get us to start doubting our own judgment that use to be pretty good and solid before they entered our lives.

On the other hand, I do have my teaching, tutoring, workshops, books, friends, and some relatives that bring sanity to me, but on a deeper, more personal level, it certainly would be nice to have a trusting, loving, caring, sincere relationship. Yeah, I am asking a lot, but that seemed to be what my BPDw had shown me on a regular basis until she changed.

Isn't it sad how much of our time and energy goes into coping with them? I would also love to have a trusting, loving, caring and sincere relationship.  I've been thinking about doing more activities without him to help bring balance back to my life.  On the other hand, I am asking myself what is the point really?  Why should I keep doing the things he wants when we are together and then do the things I want to do alone?   

[Samuel S.]

We have a relatively new vaccuum cleaner. I know how to turn it on, use it, and turn it off. Well, our house needed a thorough cleaning. So, I naturally used it today. My BPDw called during her lunch break, complained about her day so far, and asked what I've been doing. When I told her what I did, she decided to tell me how I don't know how to clean it, that I am going to destroy it, etc., etc. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Granted, I don't know how to clean it, and all I needed to know from her is how to clean it in order not to have problems with it. During her monologue, she asked me a couple of times, if I were still there, because I wasn't responding. Well, she didn't ask me anything, and she was doing her monologue. So, it is rather difficult to say anything when you are talked AT instead of WITH. At the end of this current verbal abuse session, she said under her breath "thanks". Then, she had to get back to her studies and then her work. So, I am not going to bring up the cleaner or apologize again when she gets back tonight. Yes, I did apologize, but it just seemed so inappropriate to be verbally abused over something like this or anything for that matter. I really feel like not being here when she gets back due to this verbal abuse. It hurts so much!

[Samuel S.]

After my BPDw got back, she immediately went into her long monologue of the day. Granted, we all need to vent and need someone to listen. I don't mind that. However, not once in typical BPD style did she ask how my day was. As for the vaccuum cleaner situation, she didn't mention it, and just before she resumed with her studies, she gave me a slight hug thanking me for what I do around here. If the other incident didn't happen, I would have appreciated the gesture of hugging me. Yet, it was her way to "apologize". Yet, like the boy that cries wolf all the time, my BPDw's words are meaningless. I don't know what goes on in that brain of hers, that she can whitewash her hurt by hugging or by doing any other thing, other than apologizing. Someone on this site said not to expect an apology. Yet, if she would learn after all of the verbal abuse that she has imposed onto me and even after I have told her that it is unfair to do that, then, I could forgive her in time. Yet, she only creates more distance than eliminates it between us.

[harbour]

Perdita, it is exactly the same here. It is all about him and his. There is a lot less of me now. He is very persistent in wanting me to have the same interests as he does with the same passion as he has. And he gets easily angry or cold if I don't. It feels like drowning. Or suffocating. Before I involved myself in this relationship, I was painting, drawing, sewing, writing etc. I don't do these things any more. There is no room for it, and when there is, when I am alone, I simply don't have the energy. And I miss it.

Until this weekend I have had a little doubt that he is BPD. That he might not be. That last little doubt has gone. And with that I don't see any hope. As I say this, I get scared, because can I accept and realize that with all my heart and brain, so that I will be ready to leave him and get myself a life worth living? There I have a little doubt still. And I don't like that.

When we talk about trusting/distrusting our own judgement, is it not less about our ability to judge, and more about our fear of leaving, of losing, of how we will be and manage afterwards? I think that this fear may blur our acknowledgement of what we actually see and judge. Because otherwise, how come that you and I obviously see and feel what is going on and what it does to us, and yet we we cling to this impossible nightmare? What else makes us prefer to stay in it? Those more and more rare moments of bliss, that once were so much more than moments? Then there is guilt. Or feeling sorry for our partner. I know that I do.

I am trying to find strength. It is so hard. I think of my future life. I am not young any longer, and I don't want to end my life in misery thinking: Oh, why, why, why did I waste my precious life away? An idea, or an urge has come to my mind:

I was on the camino in Spain three times (walking 800 km. across Northern Spain from the French border). 2011, 2012 and 2013. May/June every year. That is one of the best experiences I ever had! In every way. Mentally, physically and socially. This year i didn't go, because I started my relationship in April. I will go next year, no matter what. And I will go alone like I did the first three times. I can strongly recommend the camino. People from all over the world walk the camino for different reasons. For many the camino changes their life. I wouldn't say it changed my life. But it did change certain aspects in my life. And for me it was very strengthening. The reason why I did it first time was that I had become kind of dead inside after a tough cancer treatment several years earlier. I became alive again after the camino. And stronger, and gained more self-confidence.

If the leaving weighs considerably more than staying, and you can't find the strength or the courage to leave, maybe it would be a good idea to plan in your mind something that you dream of doing.

[maxen]

My raw thoughts are that with all the distrust and with all the love that I have, the distrust is not only for her, but for my own judgment.

this is a really important insight. it certainly applies to me anyway. about either events or patterns in the marriage, am i facing my own culpability, or am i only feeling culpable still because she insisted i was? i'm pretty honest about my tendency to impatience and getting bent out of shape. these are not good things and did not help, but not dealbreakers (in my mind of course!). so why am i still looking, sometimes, to find reasons to justify the unjustifiable things my wife did? why do i even still resist a little the idea that she has BPD, though it's been spotted by two professional therapists who have both worked with patients who have BPD?

when i get to this point i'm looking at my own history and FOO issues, not at the marriage or at my wife. it was my inability to trust my own judgement (among other things) that carried me into the marriage despite what i was seeing beforehand. "what i just saw can't possibly be what it appeared to be," or "it would be arrogant of me to assume that her family dynamic really is disordered and for the reasons that I think it is." yet I was right. it's part of recovery to lose this frame of mind.