ups and downs

[willtimeheal]

Made it through one holiday and I have to say I really enjoyed myself. I actually enjoyed this thanksgiving more than the past thanksgiving when me and my BPD were together. Don't get me wrong ... .I have moments when I miss her and cry and lose it. I want to run out stalk her and see if the replacement is at her house... .but I do realize that will do no good and set me farther back on my road to recovery.

The one thing I did notice this thanksgiving as the 50 weight i usually carry on my shoulders was gone. I am usually so worried about her and her moods and keeping her happy that I don't enjoy myself. This year I could enjoy my family I could go places and not be accused of cheating or lying. I ran a couple races and wasn't told how stupid that is.

So I am left here thinking as much as I hate the idea of her with my replacement and as much as I miss and long for her... .I do realize how much more free I am now without her. It's kind of like a cruel joke. If we were together I would be fulfilled in having her but the weight is always there. Apart I have the ability to live MY life and enjoy it and do things I could never do with her because she would say they were stupid or dumb or I just wouldn't do them for fear of a rage. Some days I am ok with this some days I am not. I hope I get to the point of just always enjoying me again.

[Pingo]

willtimeheal, that is great news!  So nice to be able to enjoy a holiday and focus on your own experience with your family!  I am looking forward to Christmas this year, my ex really ruined every Christmas we were together with his selfishness.  I don't have family near me except for my kids so I've invited my friends over for Christmas dinner on Christmas eve and I'm so excited about a drama free, relaxing holiday! 

[willtimeheal]

Good to hear Pingo. Christmas is a tougher holiday but baby steps right?  I might schedule a vacation or do something different for myself this year to break it up. Time for some new traditions.