Radical Acceptance - What Is It?

[takingandsending]

maxsterling has started a post which is causing some reaction and good discussion.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237191.0

My question:

What is radical acceptance? What does it look like in your RS? I know that this has been raised before, but I am interested in new posters' perspective.

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[itgirl]

I'm not there... .yet.  

I don't feel I can accurately choose what I will and wont accept at the moment.  I first want to be solid on all the tools.  As solid as you can be with a pwBPD.  

EDIT:  I have thought about it and for now I would say my pwBPDgf inconsistencies.  What is cool the one day is a disaster the next.

[ColdEthyl]

For me, radical acceptance is realizing the way his brain works is just the way his brain works. He will get mad if he hamburger doesn't have cheese on it. Traffic will always piss him off. He will always doubt himself, his thoughts, and dislike himself.

I am the one who chooses what I will put up with. I make my boundaries. If he wants to throw a fit like a toddler, I have the option of leaving to do what I want and have a good time.

He won't always do social functions with me. He won't always be able to validate me. Radical acceptance means I know this, and I do not punish him for something he cannot do. I will validate myself. I will go to social functions my myself if I'd like to go.

Radical acceptance is loving him... .but loving myself enough to live and enjoy my own life at the same time.

[Grey Kitty]

Well, I do have to first point to the lessons:

Radical Acceptance for family members

For me radical acceptance is giving up pretending that the world is how I "wish" it was.

[frizz]

ColdEthyl, very well put. At first, I was bitter about this Radical Acceptance thing. You mean I have to just sit there and take it when she's hurling insults and objects?

That's not what it's about, and I'm just starting to understand there's more to it. All I have to accept is that she's going to throw tantrums sometimes. It's up to me to respond (or not!) in a way that protects my own sanity by maintaining boundaries instead of just sitting there wishing she'd stop.

Putting that into practice is hard, and I'm not good at it yet. But I'm already feeling better.

[ColdEthyl]

It is very hard. I'm still learning, and I still fall into JADEing sometimes. The insults are not about YOU, they are about the vileness inside them that they have to let out. Guess what that means? It will be on us. WE are their anchors.

The last fight we had, he was yelling and calling me stupid, retard, blah blah and I just kept looking into his eyes, saying nothing and touching his face. He seemed bewildered... .said "Stop that, quit trying to... .god I'm so angry at you... ." and slowly calmed down. I don't know if that will work every time, but man it was nice to have him hurling that crap at me, and I felt like I was on the outside of it looking in. I was thinking to myself "man... .look at him go. He's really riled up. Poor guy... .so much anger and hurt inside."

ColdEthyl, very well put. At first, I was bitter about this Radical Acceptance thing. You mean I have to just sit there and take it when she's hurling insults and objects?

That's not what it's about, and I'm just starting to understand there's more to it. All I have to accept is that she's going to throw tantrums sometimes. It's up to me to respond (or not!) in a way that protects my own sanity by maintaining boundaries instead of just sitting there wishing she'd stop.

Putting that into practice is hard, and I'm not good at it yet. But I'm already feeling better.

[Grey Kitty]

The last fight we had, he was yelling and calling me stupid, retard, blah blah and I just kept looking into his eyes, saying nothing and touching his face. He seemed bewildered... .said "Stop that, quit trying to... .god I'm so angry at you... ." and slowly calmed down.

Amazing work there. That is tough to do, and really does help your r/s when you can do it.

However, it is not the only way to handle that situation, and sometimes you just can't do it. Sometimes the insults or accusations hit you personally.

For those times, leave the fight. You have no obligation to listen to that vileness.

From personal experience, I can say that this response also helps your r/s, although in different ways.

[ColdEthyl]

You are right, Grey Kitty. But I am in a situation where leaving is a bad idea. I have minor children from a previous marriage, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them there in this situation, nor would I want to wake them up at 3am to do so.

The last fight we had, he was yelling and calling me stupid, retard, blah blah and I just kept looking into his eyes, saying nothing and touching his face. He seemed bewildered... .said "Stop that, quit trying to... .god I'm so angry at you... ." and slowly calmed down.

Amazing work there. That is tough to do, and really does help your r/s when you can do it.

However, it is not the only way to handle that situation, and sometimes you just can't do it. Sometimes the insults or accusations hit you personally.

For those times, leave the fight. You have no obligation to listen to that vileness.

From personal experience, I can say that this response also helps your r/s, although in different ways.

[Grey Kitty]

You are right, Grey Kitty. But I am in a situation where leaving is a bad idea. I have minor children from a previous marriage, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them there in this situation, nor would I want to wake them up at 3am to do so.

Since you mention 3am, having a boundary of not discussing volatile r/s issues late at night is worth considering.

Back to the 'leaving' options.

First level of that boundary (ending verbal abuse) is not talking, not engaging. (You did that!) You could state that this is not a topic you will discuss any more. However as you proved, this sort of boundary enforcement does not require any words at all.

Second level is to leave the room. (You may be followed... .requiring the next level.)

Third level is to leave the house. (If the fight was going to get loud enough to wake the children anyway, probably better to wake them peacefully to go away with them than let the fight wake them up. If it isn't getting that bad, or they sleep that soundly, never mind.)

You handled it in a fantastic way.

I had to mention the other options, since not all members will be able to do what you did.

[ColdEthyl]

He's pretty good about not yelling to the point of waking them, he's in constant fear of what they think of him so he tries hard not to show this side of himself.

I think I will implement a no late night volatile conversation boundary. Usually, we drive to the reservoir because it's quiet and the lake/nature calms him. He's more rationale there. I think that's good... .yes only these conversations at the reservoir.

Honestly though, he's been getting so much better about the raging for the past 6 months there's been one. I'm not saying he doesn't still talk in circles and for long periods of time when agitated,  but that's ok. I usually play my video games while he goes on. That doesn't bother him anymore because he knows I hear him. He will try to trick me or say something, and I repeat what he said. For him, me simply saying "I hear you baby,  know that's upsetting" seems to be enough most of the time.

You are right, Grey Kitty. But I am in a situation where leaving is a bad idea. I have minor children from a previous marriage, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them there in this situation, nor would I want to wake them up at 3am to do so.

Since you mention 3am, having a boundary of not discussing volatile r/s issues late at night is worth considering.

Back to the 'leaving' options.

First level of that boundary (ending verbal abuse) is not talking, not engaging. (You did that!) You could state that this is not a topic you will discuss any more. However as you proved, this sort of boundary enforcement does not require any words at all.

Second level is to leave the room. (You may be followed... .requiring the next level.)

Third level is to leave the house. (If the fight was going to get loud enough to wake the children anyway, probably better to wake them peacefully to go away with them than let the fight wake them up. If it isn't getting that bad, or they sleep that soundly, never mind.)

You handled it in a fantastic way.

I had to mention the other options, since not all members will be able to do what you did.