Staying or Leaving? Do I even have a choice?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I posted this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237319.0 on the intro board and was led here by one of the Admins.  

To recap, my wife of 2 years, partner for 6, left a little over 3 weeks ago.  I did not see it coming.  Nor has there really been any explanation, aside from what I discussed in the intro thread.  My therapist has led me to believe that she is suffering from BPD.  After researching, I'm in total agreement.  Everything fits.  It's the only thing that does make sense out of these last 3 weeks.

But what I'm curious about is what choice do I really have in this situation?  She did manage to sign the separation agreement so assets/house are in my name.  She has moved out entirely.  We do not communicate - I never/haven't initiated since she left - and I haven't heard from her in week.  It's all so very strange.  I saw this girl every day for the last 6 years of my life and poof, she's gone.  But that's it, right?  I need to move forward.  She's made her choice and this is the direction that we are going as a result.  It just seems so impulsive.  Ending this marriage just seems all too easy for her and that's what I can't understand.  I feel like my only option here is leaving - and it seems like I've already been left.  

[billypilgrim]

So I posted this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237319.0 on the intro board and was led here by one of the Admins.  

To recap, my wife of 2 years, partner for 6, left a little over 3 weeks ago.  I did not see it coming.  Nor has there really been any explanation, aside from what I discussed in the intro thread.  My therapist has led me to believe that she is suffering from BPD.  After researching, I'm in total agreement.  Everything fits.  It's the only thing that does make sense out of these last 3 weeks.

But what I'm curious about is what choice do I really have in this situation?  She did manage to sign the separation agreement so assets/house are in my name.  She has moved out entirely.  We do not communicate - I never/haven't initiated since she left - and I haven't heard from her in week.  It's all so very strange.  I saw this girl every day for the last 6 years of my life and poof, she's gone.  But that's it, right?  I need to move forward.  She's made her choice and this is the direction that we are going as a result.  It just seems so impulsive.  Ending this marriage just seems all too easy for her and that's what I can't understand.  I feel like my only option here is leaving - and it seems like I've already been left.  

[maxen]

hi billypilgrim  

I feel like my only option here is leaving - and it seems like I've already been left.

you sound remarkably well-composed for someone in your situation. it's really admirable. when my wife bolted, i was in danger of my stability. it was a slow process to regain a sense of control over my conditions. if there is no reconciliation (which sounds unlikely if she signed a separation agreement, though that's not a divorce) i would only advise that you don't rush forward. how are you tending to yourself? do you have support?

It just seems so impulsive.  Ending this marriage just seems all too easy for her and that's what I can't understand.

it probably was impulsive. that's the disorder. i too wondered how my wife could chuck a marriage, even with problems we had, and move directly in with someone else. "i like what i have and it's not a fling." thanks for sharing, wife!

have you had a chance to read the resources on the site? here's an introductory video: What is BPD (48 minute video).

keep posting, there's lots of support here!

[michel71]

Like you I have been married a short time to my wife, about a year and a half. Please be very thankful that she signed the separation agreement and that you have retained your assets. Facing the same eventual outcome, I am scared that it won't be so easy. My wife has such a high sense of entitlement. I have no idea what she is planning. Add to that fact, that she will be returning to her country. Fair enough, I know I have to give her money to get set up again. And I will. My heart and moral obligation would not allow me to do otherwise. I don't want her to struggle. I still love her. But I don't want to be financially raped either. I feel that she has taken great financial advantage of me already. Read my other posts.

Back to your post though about not having the choice. If the relationship ends, it doesn't really matter who did it. It's not a mutual thing. One party can close the deal. She left. It hurts terribly. There is in effect no closure and just abandonment. If you are like a lot of nons here, myself included, most of us have abandonment issues from childhood. Being LEFT really triggers our inner child who is screaming.

Stay strong. Count your blessings. I know this is hard to see in the midst of all this but divorce is nasty business and can ruin somebody financially.