So glad I found this site...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

 

I'm not sure how to start this, so I'm just going to start typing. It's only been within the last year that I realized that my mom has traits of someone with BPD. Looking back she's been that way for a very long time, but I never spoke to anyone about how she was... .mainly because I didn't want anyone to think badly of her... .so I didn't know. I've started talking though because I started developing mild to severe anxiety from our interactions and I've even experienced depressive symptoms after conversations.

The most recent episode has made me feel really bad. I'm getting married soon and we're basically eloping, but we told our families about it. Everyone has been really supportive and happy about it, except my mom. She has turned it into her being hurt that she won't be there. We're going to have a reception soon after and I keep trying to tell her that though we've made the decision to have the ceremony to ourselves, that doesn't mean we love anyone less.  She doesn't believe that and she's shutting me out.

I don't know how to deal. I feel like I should know by now... .I'm not a kid. But having just found out this year that some of the things that happen (manipulative, emotional abuse) weren't normal and that there's a name to what she possibly has... .I'm learning through baby steps.

Any guidance or talk is appreciated. <3

[NeedanEar]

 

I'm not sure how to start this, so I'm just going to start typing. It's only been within the last year that I realized that my mom has traits of someone with BPD. Looking back she's been that way for a very long time, but I never spoke to anyone about how she was... .mainly because I didn't want anyone to think badly of her... .so I didn't know. I've started talking though because I started developing mild to severe anxiety from our interactions and I've even experienced depressive symptoms after conversations.

The most recent episode has made me feel really bad. I'm getting married soon and we're basically eloping, but we told our families about it. Everyone has been really supportive and happy about it, except my mom. She has turned it into her being hurt that she won't be there. We're going to have a reception soon after and I keep trying to tell her that though we've made the decision to have the ceremony to ourselves, that doesn't mean we love anyone less.  She doesn't believe that and she's shutting me out.

I don't know how to deal. I feel like I should know by now... .I'm not a kid. But having just found out this year that some of the things that happen (manipulative, emotional abuse) weren't normal and that there's a name to what she possibly has... .I'm learning through baby steps.

Any guidance or talk is appreciated. <3

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, NeedAnEar,




I'm rushing off to a therapist appointment and can't take time to respond thoroughly to this, but A) I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and B) I know a little of what it's like - just got married last year with a uBPDm and a uBPDmil hovering around. It's awful! I am so sorry. I'll be back later and would love to hear more of your situation.

[clljhns]

Hi NeedanEar and  ,

So glad you are here and I am so sorry to hear about your situation with mom. Congratulations on your up-coming wedding! Sending you hugs   and wishes for a happy future with your intended.

The most recent episode has made me feel really bad. I'm getting married soon and we're basically eloping, but we told our families about it. Everyone has been really supportive and happy about it, except my mom. She has turned it into her being hurt that she won't be there. We're going to have a reception soon after and I keep trying to tell her that though we've made the decision to have the ceremony to ourselves, that doesn't mean we love anyone less.  She doesn't believe that and she's shutting me out.

This sounds so typical of a pwBPD. They cannot see the other person's joy, only what they wanted and are not going to get. Stay strong in your resolve to have the wedding the way you and your partner wish to have it! My guess is that if you had the wedding mom wanted, it would still not meet with her approval, and you still wouldn't have the wedding you want.

Have you read any of the articles at the begging of this post? I would suggest reading Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. One of the trademarks of a BPD is to hold you responsible for their feelings.

I have many examples of how my uBPDmom used F.O.G. on me to keep me attached to her. So, I know what you are going through and want to tell you that you can do this. It is impossible to meet the emotional needs of anyone, especially a pwBPD. Take care of yourself and your needs.

Wishing you all the best!

[NeedanEar]

Hi Claudiaduffy & clljhns!

I'm still getting used to the board, so I might not be replying appropriately. I don't know if there's a way to reply to each of you individually without writing one at a time.

Claudiaduffy - Thank you so much for your reply!   I'm sorry you went through something similar with your family. It really is tough. It's weird how one person can monopolize your emotions and make you rethink everything you're doing. I was having all these thoughts since my mom wrote me that maybe I really am doing something wrong. Maybe it would be better to wait and have a whole big wedding, but as soon as I think of those things, it makes me shudder. I feel really protective over the ceremony. I want us to have something special on that day and I really feel like it will be filled with anxiety if it was any bigger than just our tiny ceremony.

clljhns - Thank you for the well wishings and for your reply as well. (I don't know how to do quotes yet, bear with me!) Where you said, "They cannot see the other person's joy, only what they wanted and are not going to get." was a huge "YES!" That's really tough because even when presented with the fact that she would get to experience everything with me for the receptions (like hair and make up) that she still was very cold about it. I also failed to mention that just a month ago she said she was completely fine with the way I wanted the wedding to go. Even saying if she got like this to ignore her and she'll be fine, but that's really never the case. Dealing with such a switch up in a month I think is what is bothering me too. I wanted to believe her... .badly... .when she said she was ok with it. Ughhh... .

I haven't read any of the articles yet. I found this site before I went to work yesterday and just saw the message board and went right for it. I'll definitely be reading them today though. Thank you.

It's hard to remember that I need to take care of myself and focus on just what I need. It feels super selfish. I'm not really used to it at all obviously. Thanks for the reminders and support.

[clljhns]

Hi NeedanEar,

You are very welcome! I think when you read the articles, you will probably have a light-bulb moment. I would also suggest that you read Walking on Eggshells. I haven't read it, but have read many references to it here and know that it is highly recommended.

Hang in there and do what is right for you. You are doing a fine job of answering posts. If you want to quote what a person says, then just click on the quote symbol next to the # symbol and copy and paste the quote.

Wishing you all the best! Look forward to hearing from you.

[NeedanEar]

clljhns,

I saw that book title a couple of times too while I was reading other posts. I'm definitely going to check it out.

Since writing yesterday, and even this morning, I've realized I think I'm having daily panic/anxiety attacks about everything with my mom and the wedding. I thought my chest tightening was due to a cold, but it doesn't come on until I'm thinking of everything. I'm doing my best to do what is best for me, but as I get closer to doing it, I'm enjoying it less and having terrible chest pains. Kind of wishing there was a therapy or emotional ER that I could go to get it all out right now and be done with it.

I'm mad at myself for letting her rent so much space in my head and for not being able to deal with all of this appropriately. Everyone keeps saying to let it go and not let her get in the way of my excitement, but I can't help it because the minute I try to let go of it, I'm washed with guilt and feelings of being very selfish. I feel childish for feeling this way... .Someone told me to stop putting myself in a space where I'm feeling like a victim. <-- That kind of made me feel like they thought I was whining or something... .

Sorry... .I know I'm totally rambling... .not even sure the above made sense... . 

[claudiaduffy]

I'm mad at myself for letting her rent so much space in my head and for not being able to deal with all of this appropriately.

... .Someone told me to stop putting myself in a space where I'm feeling like a victim. <-- That kind of made me feel like they thought I was whining or something... .

NeedanEar, please be patient with yourself about "being able to deal with all of this appropriately." For many of us, just learning to let ourselves be angry (after years of having our emotions invalidated by our moms/other BPDs) is a huge and very appropriate step! And there is a huge difference between allowing yourself to recognize that you actually HAVE BEEN a victim, and that your mother is continuing to attempt to victimize you -- recognizing these things is healthy! -- and wallowing in a sense of continuing helpless victimhood, which is problematic because it robs you of the power to stand up for yourself and create your own healthy life now that you have the freedom to do so.

[NeedanEar]

Thank you Claudiaduffy.

You're right, there's definitely a difference and patience with myself would be a great gift for me. I have a tendency to think I should be 5 miles down the road already, when really I only have the ability to run 1 or 2 at the moment. I do that a lot so reminders of patience are helpful.

[stepper123]

Hi NeedanEar,

I know how you are feeling because I have a related issue with my wedding planning. My sister is uBPD and threw a gigantic fit when I asked that her children not be present for our wedding ceremony to avoid interruptions and screaming kids. No children are allowed at any part of the wedding except hers, who are invited for the whole day minus the 40 minutes of our ceremony. My request was very reasonable, and I even said that I would pay for multiple babysitters for that time and make sure they were safe and comfortable nearby.

At the end of the day, your wedding is YOUR day, not anybody else's. You will resent your family if you have a wedding according to their wishes. Additionally, if your mom has BPD, she would not be pleased with the wedding anyway, even if you had one that involved her. She will likely always find something to be unhappy about.

It's your wedding, and your life. Do what you want within reason and don't live your life based on the wishes of a BPD family member. I personally wouldn't want to elope, but if that will make you happy, you have a right to get married how you want.

[NeedanEar]

Hi Stepper123!

Thank you for sharing with me 

I'm sorry you have a related issue with your uBPDsis. I definitely understand your frustration in dealing with her tantrum.

It's funny, you're not the first to say that she wouldn't have been happy even if she had been there and the more I hear it, the more I also think of things that definitely would have come up that she wouldn't have liked (ex. not being able to follow us around and watch us get our pictures taken at various locations). So you're absolutely right... .It wouldn't have mattered.

Yeah, eloping isn't for everyone, but for us it was a great decision and the wedding ended up being beautiful and totally about us.   It was perfect. And we still get to celebrate it with everyone at the reception that we'll have in a couple months. I wish you much love and peace for your day :D Congrats!