trying to make sense of my x fiance possible BPD?

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I'm 7 weeks out of BU with my x -fiance her personality traits were never normal and when I started to read about BPD it seems she has a lot of the major symptoms anyway I thought I would post on here and maybe see what people more familiar with BPD think .

So we were with each other 6 years she chased me and left her x -bf of 3 years to be with me though as I later found out she didn't fancy him after the second date but wanted to be with someone "nice"  and dependable . (red flag)

I was the interesting bad boy type back then.

From day one she idealised me like a god , thought the relationship she would tell me I'm the most amazing, funny, brilliant , man she had ever met .  And how she felt we were soul mates and meant to be together ... .my interests became her interests etc ... .

In time I came to see another side to her , anxious , neurotic , low mood, temper tantrums , sulking , passive aggression, victim mentality , hyper sensitivity , lack of a sense of humour , mood swings,  the constant need for reasurance from me on a daily basis about work , friends , etc

She also started to develop real trust issues and paranoia accusing me of spending money from the joint bank account  , hiding phones in the house when my family came so they couldn't make calls ... .Accusing me or trying to manipulate and dominate her or screw her over eg wanting to buy a house together and then accusing me of wanting to quit my job (if I moaned about it) so she would have to pay the mortgage . Sometimes her paranoia would be ridiculous like accusing me of eating her ice - cream and getting angry .

Blaming me or circumstances  everything from the dog to her lack of friends , job for all her unhappiness and then switching and saying how amazing I am and how much she loves me and how we are soul mates and how intensely happy I make her.

Expecting me to be there for any and all emotional needs she may need fulfilled on a daily basis but not reciprocating or at least not giving back anything like what I was putting in .

No matter what I did or how good I was there was always something she was not happy about ... .However it was always someone else's fault or mine or circumstance never hers that was the cause of her unhappiness she projected and blamed me for everything ... .Her mood could switch in a minute from happy to feeling irratible and withdrawing even in company .

Weeks Before we broke up she told me she would kill herself if something ever happend to me after the brake up she told me she was just being dramatic what the heck

Once when we argued she tried to cut her wrists and take an OD in front of me .

Just before we broke up she was taking me to wedding venues and looking forward to the wedding then on the Sunday before my birthday she tells me her feelings have changed and she needs space she goes to her sisters she leaves me alone on my BD by Friday I tell her its over on Sunday we talk and she tells me she no longer loves me she shows very little comppasion if any since the BU in fact even though she has left me alone with this , worrying about how I'm going to pay the bills , rehome the dog and deal with the emotional fall out every time we talk she just moans about the money she has sent on the house , and us over the years

She is a very successful banking executive ... .She shows no empathy or concern for me or the dog we had since a pup apart from a few perfunctory texts such as "sorry I hurt you x " and "are you OK" ... .When challenged on this she claims she was just giving me space . However she strips the house of all possessions that we shared leaving me with next to nothing again showing her complete lack of empathy and 360° switch from months back planning a wedding to moving on so fast emotionally that I feel to her I'm just a complete stranger . Once again she denies any wrong doing thinking it is perfectly normal to call off a wedding, ruin someone's birthday , leave a  6 year relationship , lose a dog we shared for 5 years ,

Leave me with the fininacial strain to boot and then can only complain because she now has to travel further to work .

I apologise for the long post but this is not even all of it I'm trying to get in the major points .


To sum up ... .

I witnessed excessive adulation over the years to switching to  worrying about me and us being "right for each other" black and white thinking?

Low mood , inability to self soothe , latent anger , passive aggressive behaviours , anxious ,neurotic worry , no self introspection always expecting me or others / items object to make her happy , lack of empathy post breakup moving on extremely quickly and callously . sulking and never apologising , intolerant of others ... .One minute happy next second morose ... I could go on and on ... .

I never witnessed a direct fear or abondment though or jealousy nor impulsive behaviours apart from that she meets pretty much a lot or all of the criteria family says the same .

I don't know if this is BPD or just her normal self what do you guys think?

[dobie]

I'm 7 weeks out of BU with my x -fiance her personality traits were never normal and when I started to read about BPD it seems she has a lot of the major symptoms anyway I thought I would post on here and maybe see what people more familiar with BPD think .

So we were with each other 6 years she chased me and left her x -bf of 3 years to be with me though as I later found out she didn't fancy him after the second date but wanted to be with someone "nice"  and dependable . (red flag)

I was the interesting bad boy type back then.

From day one she idealised me like a god , thought the relationship she would tell me I'm the most amazing, funny, brilliant , man she had ever met .  And how she felt we were soul mates and meant to be together ... .my interests became her interests etc ... .

In time I came to see another side to her , anxious , neurotic , low mood, temper tantrums , sulking , passive aggression, victim mentality , hyper sensitivity , lack of a sense of humour , mood swings,  the constant need for reasurance from me on a daily basis about work , friends , etc

She also started to develop real trust issues and paranoia accusing me of spending money from the joint bank account  , hiding phones in the house when my family came so they couldn't make calls ... .Accusing me or trying to manipulate and dominate her or screw her over eg wanting to buy a house together and then accusing me of wanting to quit my job (if I moaned about it) so she would have to pay the mortgage . Sometimes her paranoia would be ridiculous like accusing me of eating her ice - cream and getting angry .

Blaming me or circumstances  everything from the dog to her lack of friends , job for all her unhappiness and then switching and saying how amazing I am and how much she loves me and how we are soul mates and how intensely happy I make her.

Expecting me to be there for any and all emotional needs she may need fulfilled on a daily basis but not reciprocating or at least not giving back anything like what I was putting in .

No matter what I did or how good I was there was always something she was not happy about ... .However it was always someone else's fault or mine or circumstance never hers that was the cause of her unhappiness she projected and blamed me for everything ... .Her mood could switch in a minute from happy to feeling irratible and withdrawing even in company .

Weeks Before we broke up she told me she would kill herself if something ever happend to me after the brake up she told me she was just being dramatic what the heck

Once when we argued she tried to cut her wrists and take an OD in front of me .

Just before we broke up she was taking me to wedding venues and looking forward to the wedding then on the Sunday before my birthday she tells me her feelings have changed and she needs space she goes to her sisters she leaves me alone on my BD by Friday I tell her its over on Sunday we talk and she tells me she no longer loves me she shows very little comppasion if any since the BU in fact even though she has left me alone with this , worrying about how I'm going to pay the bills , rehome the dog and deal with the emotional fall out every time we talk she just moans about the money she has sent on the house , and us over the years

She is a very successful banking executive ... .She shows no empathy or concern for me or the dog we had since a pup apart from a few perfunctory texts such as "sorry I hurt you x " and "are you OK" ... .When challenged on this she claims she was just giving me space . However she strips the house of all possessions that we shared leaving me with next to nothing again showing her complete lack of empathy and 360° switch from months back planning a wedding to moving on so fast emotionally that I feel to her I'm just a complete stranger . Once again she denies any wrong doing thinking it is perfectly normal to call off a wedding, ruin someone's birthday , leave a  6 year relationship , lose a dog we shared for 5 years ,

Leave me with the fininacial strain to boot and then can only complain because she now has to travel further to work .

I apologise for the long post but this is not even all of it I'm trying to get in the major points .


To sum up ... .

I witnessed excessive adulation over the years to switching to  worrying about me and us being "right for each other" black and white thinking?

Low mood , inability to self soothe , latent anger , passive aggressive behaviours , anxious ,neurotic worry , no self introspection always expecting me or others / items object to make her happy , lack of empathy post breakup moving on extremely quickly and callously . sulking and never apologising , intolerant of others ... .One minute happy next second morose ... I could go on and on ... .

I never witnessed a direct fear or abondment though or jealousy nor impulsive behaviours apart from that she meets pretty much a lot or all of the criteria family says the same .

I don't know if this is BPD or just her normal self what do you guys think?

[maxen]

hi dobie and  i'm so sorry for your experiences, but at least there will be many posters who understand. though nobody here can give any diagnosis, the behaviors you describe certainly are characteristic of BPD. that can help us understand what we've been through, though the work of recovery is ours. we have an active community of members and a wealth of resources too. welcome again!

She is a very successful banking executive

and my stbxw is a very successful university administrator. i found it soo hard to square the brilliant, competent professional with the incompetent (no other word for it) intimate partner. yet there it is.

you've posted this in Undecided. do you think there's a chance of further contact? please keep posting dobie!

[dobie]

Hi maxen thank you for the warm welcome  my head says after what she did I'm lucky she left , but my heart says otherwise  

Anyway apart from a text saying when I feel better she hopes we can go for coffee and be friends I doubt if she is BPD she is going to suddenly realise she loves me again .

[maxen]

my head says after what she did I'm lucky she left , but my heart says otherwise  

yes that's usually how it is. i felt that way for many months, even into the divorce negotiations. just don't fight it, you'll have to ride the emotions until they subside. this is a great place to do that!

Anyway apart from a text saying when I feel better she hopes we can go for coffee and be friends

the last words my wife said before she walked out the door were "i hope we can be friends." i was astounded that she could speak that way at that moment. it was important for me to keep it in mind, in case i lost sight of the fact of her disorder.

right now, do you have friends or family you can rely on?

[dobie]

Maxen yes I have family and friends the annoying thing is they all thought she was "nuts" but never told me ... .I was so blinded with love and blaming myself for her unhappiness (thinking if I just did that or that she would be content)  I just couldn't see what was staring me in the face and that's a women with the emotions of a child  . I still struggle to deal with how months ago we were planning a wedding and she told me she felt like crying at the thought of us getting married to ... .

My feelings have changed I don't love you and I'm going to treat you worse than a stranger .

Her post BU actions are full of anger, spite and rensetment again exactly how a child behaves not a women who finished an engagement and destroyed her s/o life .

[maxen]

Maxen yes I have family and friends

excellent. i'm happy for that. it was a few friends who helped save my sanity.

the annoying thing is they all thought she was "nuts" but never told me

but on the other hand they should be all the readier to help if they think this is for the best.

during the marriage, i though to myself that my wife was 45 going on 15. i don't mean to be demeaning about her by saying that, and i responded to some of her demonstrations in an unproductive way (with impatience and exasperation). but emotional immaturity is a characteristic of BPD, and you have to ask yourself if you feel you could have a truly interpersonal relationship with your ex. i'm not advocating one way or another here, but that's important to consider.

[dobie]

That's the thing I can't work out if she has BPD or not something is "off" everyone says so and its not because she hurt my feelings .

Things that make me think she might not have BPD ... .

She never begged me to stay or threatened if I left (but I didn't anyway)

No impulsivity

Only one occasion of self harm .

Things that make me feel she displays BPD behaviours ... .

Anxious (never happy always waiting for "it" to go wrong)

Neurotic

Inability to form or hold onto long meaningful friendships (she has one long distance BF)

Mood swings

Low mood

Inability to tolerate criticism of any type

Extreme sensitvity (no personal jokes allowed)

Mild paranioa and accusatory behaviours

Swings between adulation of me and worries fears we are not "right for each other" "do we make each other happy" etc.etc

Very limited self introspection

Feelings of having nothing too her or about her being boring or uninteresting

Lack of trust in financial matters (fears of a conspiracy)

Accusations I am manipulative and controlling

The constant need to be reassured by me or other important figures

An alcoholic father

Lack of attention and empathy from parents at times in her life esp adolescence

The feeling even her mother doesent like her

Complaints that no one is there for her apart from me

Victim mentality

The need for others or external factors to bring her happiness or fill her void

Complete disengagement after the BU no empathy or remorse

Projection

Hardly ever able or willing to apologise

Statements before the BU like I'd kill myself if something happened to you to post BU downplaying and claiming she was just being dramatic

Denying things she said or claiming I made them up .


IF she is strongly BDp and has split me black , do they ever change there minds ?