Well it worked a bit

[Yaffle]

She seems in a bad place at the moment and caught in a viscous circle.  She's been feeling ill for months now and anxiety seems to make it worse, then as she feels worse she worries about her health more etc.  Then yesterday there was something else going on that worried and suddenly her illness is awful. 

Then this morning you could just tell it was going to kick off, she was just waiting for that excuse to fly into a rage and once she found it off she went, raging at me, telling me I'm never there for her, how I never help her out etc.  My reaction, only the second time I've tried anything like it was 'I know your worried, I'm going to go and continue getting ready for work.  If you want to talk to me calmly then its up to you.  And also stop shouting in front of the kids' 

Well,  after a few minutes she came to see me but was still raging at me.  I had to yell at her to get through to her and told her to get out as I wasn't going to stand there and be shouted at like that.  SHe did actually leave the room and didn't come back but did get a few parting shots in about how its always just about me and how I don't care.

I got the silent treatment after but at least she left me to it and stopped raging at me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[takingandsending]

Yaffle,

When you consider this episode, how did you feel during it and right after? Did your feelings change at all compared to a more typical exchange? Nobody is perfect at this stuff. The Family to Family class that I went to said something like, "Mental illness doesn't come with a handbook."

Truth is, none of us know what to do. The communication tools here are just strategies to try to reduce the conflict enough so that the possibility for positive regard and other things necessary to be in relationship can remain present.

Then this morning you could just tell it was going to kick off, she was just waiting for that excuse to fly into a rage and once she found it off she went, raging at me, telling me I'm never there for her, how I never help her out etc.  My reaction, only the second time I've tried anything like it was 'I know your worried, I'm going to go and continue getting ready for work.  If you want to talk to me calmly then its up to you.  And also stop shouting in front of the kids' 

So two thing to try here: 1) Don't hold off on validation/SET until the rage sets off. It's actually much more effective beforehand. What might have happened if you validated how crummy she was feeling, and how difficult that must be for her (or maybe you did do that)? 2) Read some of Grey Kitty's responses to folks. He's pretty good at explaining that "If you want to talk to me calmly ... ." or "I'll talk to you when you calm down ... ." are pretty triggering for a dysregulating BPD. Maybe it's better to try "I'm going to continue getting ready for work. I will come back and talk to you in 20 minutes" (usually a minimum for our thoughts to come back from the amygdala [lizard brain - flight/fight response] to the frontal cortex [reasoning brain]). But if you do the latter, you have to be there after 20 minutes. Consistency in boundaries is critical for BPD. And you have to be prepared to step away again if they go into another rage. Itgirl had a really great post on this just yesterday.

So, all in all, I think you are on the right track and made a great start. Keep trying these communication tools on, and most importantly, be there for yourself during the process. I still get the shakes sometimes when I am using these tools and my wife is yelling, but I remind myself over and over that I am actually doing a remarkable job of not JADEing, not invalidating and also protecting myself. Totally not for the faint of heart.  

[Yaffle]

I just felt the usual frustration about not being able to live my life 'naturally, having to watch every thing I say, knowing that sometimes no matter how careful I am its not going to make any difference any way.   Also, the fact that you try so hard but don't get any recognition for it but are more likely to be made to look bad instead when she spins things to her own perspective when discussing things with her friends.

I actually calmed down pretty quickly and didn't feel much anger - just the frustration.

I could actually do with practising my responses but haven't really got anyone that could act it out with me, certainly not anyone I see regularly enough anyway, or anyone who woudl have the time to understand BPD.   

It was me actually saying 'I know you're worried' that actually set her off this morning with the repsonse being 'How would you know?... .'

Finally, is there a glossary of all the terms and acronyms anywhere?  As I only get to look at the website while at work I tend to be in a rush and don't get chance to take it all in.

[maxsterling]

I just felt the usual frustration about not being able to live my life 'naturally, having to watch every thing I say, knowing that sometimes no matter how careful I am its not going to make any difference any way. 

Yes, very frustrating.  I've been there, and I often feel like I can't live my life naturally.  Some of that is going to be there in every close relationship, no matter if it is family, friend, romantic partner, or co-worker.  I know I sometimes feel like I can't be my natural self around my family.  But with a pwBPD - its much worse, and we call this "walking on eggshells" because we are trying to avoid their triggers and their moods.  The reality we must eventually understand, is we use the tools for us, not to fix them.  It's about taking care of our end to not make things worse, to allow us time to breathe.  Validating and using tools like SET will help you, but it won't help her. 

I actually calmed down pretty quickly and didn't feel much anger - just the frustration.

That's good progress!  This is how I feel now.  Not much anger or resentment, just frustrated and sad and just worn out. 

I could actually do with practising my responses but haven't really got anyone that could act it out with me, certainly not anyone I see regularly enough anyway, or anyone who woudl have the time to understand BPD.   

I try to practice the tools when I respond to everybody, family, friends, co-workers.  Or people on here!  I just pretend like everyone has BPD.  LOL.

It was me actually saying 'I know you're worried' that actually set her off this morning with the repsonse being 'How would you know?... .'

It's the way you said it.  I know, frustrating because they pick up on the words and word order when your intent is still the same.  "I know you are worried" to her means you know what/how she thinks.  My partner catches this quickly, and is a major trigger for her when people claim to know how she thinks.  I've made many of situation worse by doing exactly what you did.  Try this instead, "I feel that you are very worried about this, and I would be very worried too if it was happening to me."  I feel vs. I know.  It's a big difference to them.

[Yaffle]

Thank you . I'll  bear that all in mind.when you're  practising on non BPDs I presume they're  not aware of it?Do you just say what you  think you'd  say to a bp then evaluate it after to judge whether you said the right things?

[ColdEthyl]

It was me actually saying 'I know you're worried' that actually set her off this morning with the repsonse being 'How would you know?... .'

It's the way you said it.  I know, frustrating because they pick up on the words and word order when your intent is still the same.  "I know you are worried" to her means you know what/how she thinks.  My partner catches this quickly, and is a major trigger for her when people claim to know how she thinks.  I've made many of situation worse by doing exactly what you did.  Try this instead, "I feel that you are very worried about this, and I would be very worried too if it was happening to me."  I feel vs. I know.  It's a big difference to them.

WOW Max... .sosososo right. I've fell victim to saying "I understand you are upset" and got told "You don't know how it feels to be me! No one knows!" ugh. oops. Wrong words.

[Yaffle]

Such a learning  curve and when you struggle to find time to research it's all hands on practice.

[takingandsending]

Yaffle,

I get that you are time limited. Here's the link for the acronym list you asked for. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

Anything that you do is better than nothing. Biggest thing is to try to avoid justify/argue/defend/explain in reaction to things that she says. If you want to try to help her, do it before she goes off the rails. Start with reassuring her that you are on her side (sympathy), try to help her get at the feeling beneath her words (empathy) and if it's a big deal issue for you, express your truth gently. If she is already off the rails, it's all boundaries with aim to make them consistent and aligned with what you need for you. In other words, don't make a boundary that physical violence is unacceptable if really, verbal abuse and physical violence are not acceptable. Likewise don't make boundaries you don't intend to enforce. You have little kids. You know how well that works with them.

In my limited time practicing this stuff, if I don't JADE, use validation/SET and have boundaries, the conflict in my house stays low. It isn't wonderful, but it is miles ahead of where I started.

[Yaffle]

Thank you - the link is now saved to my favourites.

She seems constantly ready to fly into a rage at the moment.  Even when she'd got into bed last night (I was still up) she said 'It must be so nice to just be able to get into bed and go to sleep.  I have to get myself a drink, do my teeth, blow my nose, take my inhaler, get some tissue.  It must be great being you, just being able to get straight into bed.'

Up to the last sentence I was feeling sympathetic but when she starts making out that things are really just so easy for me Ive generally had enough.  Anyway, I just gave her a hug and left her to it! 

[takingandsending]

Aside from the inhaler, my wife has said almost exactly the same words to me. And it used to piss me off, too. Now, I mostly can not take it personally and say, "I would feel really frustrated, too, if I couldn't get to sleep and you could." A few of those and then I'm off to sleep. 

Really, what else can you do? Taking the bait is the worst thing you can do, because then, you really won't get to sleep for quite a while.

[ColdEthyl]

Thank you - the link is now saved to my favourites.

She seems constantly ready to fly into a rage at the moment.  Even when she'd got into bed last night (I was still up) she said 'It must be so nice to just be able to get into bed and go to sleep.  I have to get myself a drink, do my teeth, blow my nose, take my inhaler, get some tissue.  It must be great being you, just being able to get straight into bed.'

Up to the last sentence I was feeling sympathetic but when she starts making out that things are really just so easy for me Ive generally had enough.  Anyway, I just gave her a hug and left her to it! 

Make sure anything BPD related isn't something they can see! It's not that I'm saying hide it... .but most certainly her seeing things in your favorites about this topic will set them off. They don't like being seen as 'broken'

Talkingandsending has it right. Acknowledge them and move on. Sometimes that's the best we can do.