I didn't see the signs

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been married for over 20 years and we have three wonderful teenage children.

The last 2 years have been a nightmare.  I originally thought it was just a relationship issue resulting in my wife suffering from depression and then all these things started piling up on each other.  I knew it was more than depression but could not put my finger on what it was.  I was looking at everything and for some reason or other kept discounting BPD.  At the same time, I kept coming back to it.  Finally, without any prior discussion a close family member suggested to me that my wife may be suffering from BPD and that is when the penny dropped.

Just knowing what it was and trying to understand it has changed my life somewhat.  Before I even knew what it was, I had described to a friend that my children and I were forever walking on eggshells and then I find a book on BPD by a similar title.  But by setting boundaries and recognising the devaluating statements and ignoring or mirroring, it has increased the tension considerably to the point I believe my wife will now leave.

It is a long story, but here are a couple of critical parts:-

My work position was made redundant about three years ago.  During the time I was out of work I noticed that my wife still continued to spend as though the next paycheck was coming and we were burning into our savings at a rate faster than what I thought I could pick up some work.  I took the responsibility for this and on top of the scores of job application and interview rejections it sent me into a depressive state.  I even had thoughts of how to commit suicide so that the insurance would pay off the house and put the kids through school (a very dumb thought, I know).

I picked up some contract work and alleviated the financial crisis, but still had the black dog hanging around as my wife kept on telling me the wages were not enough and could I find extra work.

It was about this time my wife was introduced to Facebook and an addiction began.  What started out as reconnecting, became a search for "likes" and validation.

While I was doing long hours, my wife became friends with some ladies who were mothers of kids at the school my children went to and very quickly over a couple of months was online with them on facebook almost the whole time.  I feel it was this constant time texting or messenging on the phone that caused my wife's employer to cut her casual hours to nil and not call he back ever again.

My wife also turned to a male teacher who had a prominent position in mentoring our children for some pastoral care / advice and they were swapping emails daily on how the children were going.

By this time I had picked up a full time work position and had shaken the black dog with a bit of security and started to see things a bit differently.  My wife had began to disengage with everything except her phone and the friends on the end of it.  Although she was not working, no housework was getting done and the glue holding the family started to melt.  I suggested to my wife that it might be good for her to talk to a "professional" or counsellor but was rebuffed for the suggestion and that the problem was in my head.  Meanwhile to help through (and without making any deal of it) I picked up the housework and cooking and tried to keep things going.  The response I got from my wife at the time that I was so controlling by doing this.

I later find that the her new friends had problems with their husbands and they became a cheer squad for each other when they each confessed how bad their husbands were.  I earned the title "F@#*face" amongst this group and my wife used it with glee and either embellished the stories dramatically or downright lied about things that I supposedly did to her.

And then I find a couple of months of unopened mail including bills in a bag that my wife kept.  But there is no savings in the account.  So I have to go to my parents for a quick bail out.  My wife then gives me a home mortgage default notice from the bank where we had only two more days to find the funds before they took action to evict us.  I tapped a friend for a big favour and got us out of the spot.  But when asked what had happened to the money, the response was "paying older bills".  I later find that the mortgage money (thousands of dollars) was spent on clothes, jewellery and accessories.

At about this time, my wife started being absent from home especially at times that the children and I were there.  While I did not ask for an explanation, it seemed odd.  I also noticed how secretive my wife was with her phone.  And then a close friend said to me that my wife talked about the male teacher from school a lot.  The emails between her and the teacher on the family email account had stopped, and now the communication was exclusively by text at hat appeared to be all times of the day and night, on weekends and holidays.

While I was almost absolutely sure at the time and confirmed later it was not a physical affair, it was most certainly an emotional affair.  Not knowing and wanting hard evidence to go by, I did some stupid things trying to access my wife's phone, watching her texting and going through my wife's personal stuff (and while I found no hard evidence of an affair, I found the vilifying messenging between her friends and the receipts for undisclosed spending I mentioned earlier).  And then I followed my wife one day and while she was not doing anything wrong, had lied to me about what she was doing.  And then she sprung me.

She went ballistic at me for following her and asked why.  I came out straight and said I suspected her of having an emotional affair.  I asked her if she would show me her phone.  She did.  The teacher's contact details were under an alias.  She said it was just easier to access when she was contacting him.  I asked if I could look at the text messages, but she said they were all deleted (and they were) and that she always deleted texts to save room on her phone. (but there were text there from other people)  I also brought up the spending splurge that I had found receipts for and asked why, with no response.  So, with nothing hard to go on, I took responsibility and said that I know my depression had affected her and told her it was so bad at the time that I had had suicidal thoughts and could see that it taken its toll on her and her mental health and understood her need to connect with someone else for emotional support.  She turned it back on me and how dare I follow her, sneak around her personal things and threaten suicide on her and accuse her of an affair.  I asked her if she wanted me to leave the family and she called me selfish and that I had not thoughts for the kids.  I said I would go and get help for myself and see a counsellor to understand my issues (which funnily enough later turned out to be being a "rescuer" and taking on board and responsibility for issues not in my control).  This work with the counsellor centred me and I found my balance and things started to become clearer for me.

However, her idolisation of the teacher continued, but he felt that the contact (she was up at the school 3 and 4 times a day) and texting was getting out of hand (up to 130 in one thirty hour period I was later told) and asked her to stop texting and only correspond by email about school matters concerning the boys.  I only became aware of this later, but the teacher was getting concerned.  Even then after saying she would toe the line started to get into the personal and then sent him a letter which he thought contained inappropriate content and requested all correspondence cease.  Over the last year, she has continued to break the request a number of times, with a request back from him to cease or it will be taken further.  Finally after two dozen emails (from a newly created private email account) and another personal letter in the last month, the teacher became aware and afraid of some stalking behaviour carried out by my wife and the school lawyers sent a letter to cease all contact.  Even then, my wife thinks it was the Principle that caused this and still thinks the teacher is her "perfect partner" and was threatened by his boss so that this action against her would be taken.  I know she is planning to resume correspondence when a new principle begins in the New Year.

The spending remained out of control.  While I worked full time, my wife had always had responsibility for the finances and while life had been a struggle we had got by.  But in the last year we had our gas, electricity, phones, internet and water cut off at various and multiple times and once again was in danger of defaulting on the mortgage. But I was told this was all my fault as I did not earn enough money.  My wife had still not even attempted looking for work in this time. This all changed a day or two after my wife had purchased some jewellery for herself and asked our oldest child for a loan of money that he had just received for a birthday so as to put food in the fridge.  The child refused, called her on the extravagant spending on herself and to avoid the screaming and emotional blackmail left home for a week (into the care of close family).  It was the catalyst for my wife and I to work out what was required for bills and mortgage and to put that money aside for me to handle and for the balance to be managed by her for food and car gas and any other miscellaneous spend.  It was going to be tight but manageable to get back on top of it.  Then she handed over to me to take responsibility for two credit cards I did not know about that she had maxed out and just received default notices.

She hates the boundaries and continues to spend food and gas money secretively on dresses and jewellery but I have stopped bailing her out and refuse to give in to the demand for more money but have ensured that the kids do not go hungry by other means.

For a long time, I had been asking the kids to be patient with their mom and thinking that it was a depressive illness that would come good.  Sadly, I did not run blocker for them when my wife would lash out, which was often on the smallest things.  My wife had hardly ever used foul language, but now she would put a sailor to shame with the expletive laden rants she goes on with.

We always had family dinners together.  Now my wife is so addicted to her phone, she rarely leaves the bedroom constantly posting and messenging or texting.  The kids are frustrated and hurt by the lack of attention and emotional warmth.  But her FB posts seem to state that she is the best mother in the world - and the sad fact is that she was a great mother and wife until this BPD really kicked in.

After our last holiday was turned into a nightmare by wife's behaviour (most of the time spent on the phone or trying to find access for the phone), the kids have implored me not to go on another holiday again with her.

Now that I realise what it is (uBPDw), I am doing a number of things for my children including counselling (without their mother's knowledge) to get them through this difficult period.  Also just being there more for them and talking as much as a teenager would like to talk to a parent (which luckily is a whole lot more)

She has excommunicated her father and siblings a couple of months ago because in their worry for her, took her head on about her behaviour that they could see (they don't know about the teacher) and she has vilified them for being so controlling.  And my family are also now excommunicated as she calls them emotionally retarded and are the cause of me being so emotionally retarded.  In recent times I find from recent friends who are not close that my wife has vilified myself, her family and my family for the grossest behaviour.  They have contacted me out of concern as the information (lies) they were told were inconsistent with the facts that they knew.

Over the last year when I have implored my wife to get some counselling or therapy, I get it thrown back in my face with the standard response "You are the one who is f@#%ed in the head and need therapy.  I am okay."

Finally after many many requests my wife agreed last week to go and see a marriage counsellor.  It was in response to me be so controlling around the bill and mortgage budget and not giving her more money and that she was going to let me have it in front of the counsellor.  And she did.  I have never been so hurt.  The way she says it, the last twenty or so years of our marriage has been a lie.  She is physically sickened by my touching her, even just holding hands.  She believed everything she said with so much conviction, even I almost started to believe I was the monster that she was painting me to be.  The counsellor just listened in this session.  I did not mention my suspicion of BPD.

In the mc session, she spoke about being in depression and suicidal thoughts and not being able to get out of bed all day (while I am at work) - but it was all my fault for not being so emotionally retarded.

So there you have it.  I am sure I have missed some things.  It has been a nightmare.

Finding this Board in recent times and trying to understand what BPD has helped me separate the illness and the wife I knew.  It has enabled me to not take the venom and put downs too personally and recognise it for what it is.  Some things like the mc session still cut deep.

The hardest thing is waiting for my wife to ask for help.

[Bris Vegan]

I have been married for over 20 years and we have three wonderful teenage children.

The last 2 years have been a nightmare.  I originally thought it was just a relationship issue resulting in my wife suffering from depression and then all these things started piling up on each other.  I knew it was more than depression but could not put my finger on what it was.  I was looking at everything and for some reason or other kept discounting BPD.  At the same time, I kept coming back to it.  Finally, without any prior discussion a close family member suggested to me that my wife may be suffering from BPD and that is when the penny dropped.

Just knowing what it was and trying to understand it has changed my life somewhat.  Before I even knew what it was, I had described to a friend that my children and I were forever walking on eggshells and then I find a book on BPD by a similar title.  But by setting boundaries and recognising the devaluating statements and ignoring or mirroring, it has increased the tension considerably to the point I believe my wife will now leave.

It is a long story, but here are a couple of critical parts:-

My work position was made redundant about three years ago.  During the time I was out of work I noticed that my wife still continued to spend as though the next paycheck was coming and we were burning into our savings at a rate faster than what I thought I could pick up some work.  I took the responsibility for this and on top of the scores of job application and interview rejections it sent me into a depressive state.  I even had thoughts of how to commit suicide so that the insurance would pay off the house and put the kids through school (a very dumb thought, I know).

I picked up some contract work and alleviated the financial crisis, but still had the black dog hanging around as my wife kept on telling me the wages were not enough and could I find extra work.

It was about this time my wife was introduced to Facebook and an addiction began.  What started out as reconnecting, became a search for "likes" and validation.

While I was doing long hours, my wife became friends with some ladies who were mothers of kids at the school my children went to and very quickly over a couple of months was online with them on facebook almost the whole time.  I feel it was this constant time texting or messenging on the phone that caused my wife's employer to cut her casual hours to nil and not call he back ever again.

My wife also turned to a male teacher who had a prominent position in mentoring our children for some pastoral care / advice and they were swapping emails daily on how the children were going.

By this time I had picked up a full time work position and had shaken the black dog with a bit of security and started to see things a bit differently.  My wife had began to disengage with everything except her phone and the friends on the end of it.  Although she was not working, no housework was getting done and the glue holding the family started to melt.  I suggested to my wife that it might be good for her to talk to a "professional" or counsellor but was rebuffed for the suggestion and that the problem was in my head.  Meanwhile to help through (and without making any deal of it) I picked up the housework and cooking and tried to keep things going.  The response I got from my wife at the time that I was so controlling by doing this.

I later find that the her new friends had problems with their husbands and they became a cheer squad for each other when they each confessed how bad their husbands were.  I earned the title "F@#*face" amongst this group and my wife used it with glee and either embellished the stories dramatically or downright lied about things that I supposedly did to her.

And then I find a couple of months of unopened mail including bills in a bag that my wife kept.  But there is no savings in the account.  So I have to go to my parents for a quick bail out.  My wife then gives me a home mortgage default notice from the bank where we had only two more days to find the funds before they took action to evict us.  I tapped a friend for a big favour and got us out of the spot.  But when asked what had happened to the money, the response was "paying older bills".  I later find that the mortgage money (thousands of dollars) was spent on clothes, jewellery and accessories.

At about this time, my wife started being absent from home especially at times that the children and I were there.  While I did not ask for an explanation, it seemed odd.  I also noticed how secretive my wife was with her phone.  And then a close friend said to me that my wife talked about the male teacher from school a lot.  The emails between her and the teacher on the family email account had stopped, and now the communication was exclusively by text at hat appeared to be all times of the day and night, on weekends and holidays.

While I was almost absolutely sure at the time and confirmed later it was not a physical affair, it was most certainly an emotional affair.  Not knowing and wanting hard evidence to go by, I did some stupid things trying to access my wife's phone, watching her texting and going through my wife's personal stuff (and while I found no hard evidence of an affair, I found the vilifying messenging between her friends and the receipts for undisclosed spending I mentioned earlier).  And then I followed my wife one day and while she was not doing anything wrong, had lied to me about what she was doing.  And then she sprung me.

She went ballistic at me for following her and asked why.  I came out straight and said I suspected her of having an emotional affair.  I asked her if she would show me her phone.  She did.  The teacher's contact details were under an alias.  She said it was just easier to access when she was contacting him.  I asked if I could look at the text messages, but she said they were all deleted (and they were) and that she always deleted texts to save room on her phone. (but there were text there from other people)  I also brought up the spending splurge that I had found receipts for and asked why, with no response.  So, with nothing hard to go on, I took responsibility and said that I know my depression had affected her and told her it was so bad at the time that I had had suicidal thoughts and could see that it taken its toll on her and her mental health and understood her need to connect with someone else for emotional support.  She turned it back on me and how dare I follow her, sneak around her personal things and threaten suicide on her and accuse her of an affair.  I asked her if she wanted me to leave the family and she called me selfish and that I had not thoughts for the kids.  I said I would go and get help for myself and see a counsellor to understand my issues (which funnily enough later turned out to be being a "rescuer" and taking on board and responsibility for issues not in my control).  This work with the counsellor centred me and I found my balance and things started to become clearer for me.

However, her idolisation of the teacher continued, but he felt that the contact (she was up at the school 3 and 4 times a day) and texting was getting out of hand (up to 130 in one thirty hour period I was later told) and asked her to stop texting and only correspond by email about school matters concerning the boys.  I only became aware of this later, but the teacher was getting concerned.  Even then after saying she would toe the line started to get into the personal and then sent him a letter which he thought contained inappropriate content and requested all correspondence cease.  Over the last year, she has continued to break the request a number of times, with a request back from him to cease or it will be taken further.  Finally after two dozen emails (from a newly created private email account) and another personal letter in the last month, the teacher became aware and afraid of some stalking behaviour carried out by my wife and the school lawyers sent a letter to cease all contact.  Even then, my wife thinks it was the Principle that caused this and still thinks the teacher is her "perfect partner" and was threatened by his boss so that this action against her would be taken.  I know she is planning to resume correspondence when a new principle begins in the New Year.

The spending remained out of control.  While I worked full time, my wife had always had responsibility for the finances and while life had been a struggle we had got by.  But in the last year we had our gas, electricity, phones, internet and water cut off at various and multiple times and once again was in danger of defaulting on the mortgage. But I was told this was all my fault as I did not earn enough money.  My wife had still not even attempted looking for work in this time. This all changed a day or two after my wife had purchased some jewellery for herself and asked our oldest child for a loan of money that he had just received for a birthday so as to put food in the fridge.  The child refused, called her on the extravagant spending on herself and to avoid the screaming and emotional blackmail left home for a week (into the care of close family).  It was the catalyst for my wife and I to work out what was required for bills and mortgage and to put that money aside for me to handle and for the balance to be managed by her for food and car gas and any other miscellaneous spend.  It was going to be tight but manageable to get back on top of it.  Then she handed over to me to take responsibility for two credit cards I did not know about that she had maxed out and just received default notices.

She hates the boundaries and continues to spend food and gas money secretively on dresses and jewellery but I have stopped bailing her out and refuse to give in to the demand for more money but have ensured that the kids do not go hungry by other means.

For a long time, I had been asking the kids to be patient with their mom and thinking that it was a depressive illness that would come good.  Sadly, I did not run blocker for them when my wife would lash out, which was often on the smallest things.  My wife had hardly ever used foul language, but now she would put a sailor to shame with the expletive laden rants she goes on with.

We always had family dinners together.  Now my wife is so addicted to her phone, she rarely leaves the bedroom constantly posting and messenging or texting.  The kids are frustrated and hurt by the lack of attention and emotional warmth.  But her FB posts seem to state that she is the best mother in the world - and the sad fact is that she was a great mother and wife until this BPD really kicked in.

After our last holiday was turned into a nightmare by wife's behaviour (most of the time spent on the phone or trying to find access for the phone), the kids have implored me not to go on another holiday again with her.

Now that I realise what it is (uBPDw), I am doing a number of things for my children including counselling (without their mother's knowledge) to get them through this difficult period.  Also just being there more for them and talking as much as a teenager would like to talk to a parent (which luckily is a whole lot more)

She has excommunicated her father and siblings a couple of months ago because in their worry for her, took her head on about her behaviour that they could see (they don't know about the teacher) and she has vilified them for being so controlling.  And my family are also now excommunicated as she calls them emotionally retarded and are the cause of me being so emotionally retarded.  In recent times I find from recent friends who are not close that my wife has vilified myself, her family and my family for the grossest behaviour.  They have contacted me out of concern as the information (lies) they were told were inconsistent with the facts that they knew.

Over the last year when I have implored my wife to get some counselling or therapy, I get it thrown back in my face with the standard response "You are the one who is f@#%ed in the head and need therapy.  I am okay."

Finally after many many requests my wife agreed last week to go and see a marriage counsellor.  It was in response to me be so controlling around the bill and mortgage budget and not giving her more money and that she was going to let me have it in front of the counsellor.  And she did.  I have never been so hurt.  The way she says it, the last twenty or so years of our marriage has been a lie.  She is physically sickened by my touching her, even just holding hands.  She believed everything she said with so much conviction, even I almost started to believe I was the monster that she was painting me to be.  The counsellor just listened in this session.  I did not mention my suspicion of BPD.

In the mc session, she spoke about being in depression and suicidal thoughts and not being able to get out of bed all day (while I am at work) - but it was all my fault for not being so emotionally retarded.

So there you have it.  I am sure I have missed some things.  It has been a nightmare.

Finding this Board in recent times and trying to understand what BPD has helped me separate the illness and the wife I knew.  It has enabled me to not take the venom and put downs too personally and recognise it for what it is.  Some things like the mc session still cut deep.

The hardest thing is waiting for my wife to ask for help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Theo41]

I'm so sorry u and ur family are going through this. It's a very good step that the two of u have started marital counseling. In addition u need to get some one on one counseling. She obviously needs help too but you can't make her go.

A few of things about BPD  I've learned are:

1. There is an effective treatment called DBT but they have to be willing to go.

2. The other alternatives are to either live with it (see the lessons on the right of the screen), or separate/divorce.

3. (Most important) This BPD behavior, the parental arguing and any abuse, even if it's only verbal, towards the children, is devastating to the emotional heath of the children immediately and in the future as adults. ( We have  two grown children who suffered through this in childhood and still are deeply affected as adults.) This above all else needs to stop for the sake of the children. Knowing what I know now, I should have taken the kids and left.

Please keep coming back to this site. You will learn tools u need and also will be supported by folks who have been in ur shoes and can help.  All best. Theo

[Bris Vegan]

Thanks Theo.

The 2nd and 3rd points you raise are the questions I am constantly asking myself.

The children are old enough to understand that it is not the mother they know and that it is an illness that she is experiencing.  But like all of us, struggle to understand why their mother does not recognise the problem and do something about it.  With that, am now extremely vigilant on the children's well being.

The lessons here invaluable.  Thanks.

[Theo41]

Excellent Bris. Keep posting and u will get more feedback/ help. I'm surprised there were not more resonses to your lengthy initial post. Perhaps more will come. In any event continue reading and posting. A great book on the subject is: Stop Walking on Eggshells. Theo

[Cat Familiar]

I am so glad you've found this community. You've got a lot to deal with and it sounds like you're doing a good job. Having more tools will help--the links in The Lessons on the sidebar are very useful in defusing highly emotionally charged situations.

I've just started using SET and am learning to avoid JADEing and it has already made a big difference in the peace in our household, plus I'm able to be more compassionate to my husband and am letting go of the chronic bitterness that I had been feeling, due to years of dealing with his difficult behavior.

It sounds like your wife just recently has become a very different person. Have there been any traumatic episodes in her life, medical issues, menopause? Hormonal issues certainly can be unbalancing for even normal women, I can't even imagine what they might do to someone with BPD?

I'm glad your children are old enough to understand that something is off with their mother and it is very useful to have the support of a counsellor for family members, even if your wife is not supportive.