What finally made you end your relationship?

[michel71]

My post pertains to those that have decided to leave or left their relationship rather than being left by the BPD.

Was it something tangible or did you just get to a place where you couldn't take it anymore?

My relationship is horrible. We have been together 3 and married for a year and a half. The last 6 months have been absolute torture. I am miserable most of the time and suffering not only mentally, emotionally but also physically. IT is starting to take it's toll and I am getting really scared that at some point I won't be able to ever get out of it. Honestly, I want her to end the relationship because I just can't seem to do it. It is toxic.

She is gone for a week. I am so happy that I could spit! An immediate weight is off my shoulders as I sit here on my couch, surrounded by nothing but silence and PEACE. She has gone back to her country for a visit. Prior to flying off she took some extra special time to start an argument with me. I tried to keep it contained but then couldn't let her wax on about how horrible I am. When I stood up for myself, she eventually  spiraled out of control. Then I left her disregulating in her own verbal vomit. I said I loved her, kissed her and went to work as usual.

[caughtnreleased]

I didn't really.  I put down boundaries. Both times (during the recycle as well) and he took it like the end, instead of boundary setting.  Oh well. No regrets.

[Deeno02]

She did. My pedestal caved in. I could no longer keep up with being the knight in shining armor, so I got fired.

[going places]

I couldn't take it anymore.

The heartache, the rejection, knowing it was never going to get better, or ever be 'right'.

I started seeing an advocate, that explained to me what kind of abuse I was receiving... .and I started thinking with my brain instead of my feelings.

It is better to be alone, than in an abusive relationship.

[Pingo]

What ended my r/s was cumulative abuse where I couldn't trust him anymore (and realised I had NEVER trusted him fully) and I had to accept that I couldn't change that.  I spent much of the r/s trying to fix it/him/me.  But near the end I woke up one day and asked myself how I got in this role of caretaker?  I kept asking myself this and as I read more and more and started trying to change my role, I was met with such opposition.  His jealousy, possessiveness, secrecy & smothering became extreme and I couldn't stand it any longer.  The feeling of being possessed was the worst part.  Like he had the right to 'own' me!  Then one day he just pushed it too far.  After 3 days of ST over something ridiculous I snapped and called him psycho and he didn't like that at all and he got physical with me.   Scared the heck out of me.  I ended our marriage 3 weeks later.  I should mention that I had split with him earlier in the year after I caught him stalking me while visiting with friends and spying on me, invading my fb messages.  But like a dope I recycled with him but it was never right after that and the second/last split was 2 mths after we had recycled.

I really came to a realisation that his life wasn't worth more than mine and I felt like the anxiety and fear I was under was going to kill me, literally.  I somehow dug down deep and found a place inside me that was strong and wanted something more, better for my life.  It was hard to find while in the midst of the fog. 

[imstronghere2]

When I asked my exw "Are you seeing somebody?" and she replied "Yeah, I'm seeing somebody.  He loves me and we're going to get married."

And she said it with the most beautiful smile on her face.   

2 months later she moved out and that was the end of a 22.5 year relationship, 19 of those married.

[Craydar]

She started dating a guy 6 weeks before we last saw each other. I knew it but she never told me or admitted to it. Not understanding BPD and the myriad of other issues she had, I broke up with her citing all of the ways she manipulated and played me. The next day I received a long letter from her - not appologizing, but making excuses and blaming my behavior.  Abandonment fear in full swing, she then text bombed me all day wanting to talk.When I did, I reluctantly took her back. We had a great evening and the entire next day and night together. Then she ignored me for a few days and broke up with me over text (SHE HAD TO BE THE ONE TO BREAK UP, SHE NEEDED THAT CONTROL, SHE COULD NOT BE ABANDONED ) A week later she texted to see how I was. When I didn't respond, she went nuts big time. Two days later we spoke and then proceeded to have sex a couple of times a week (for 3 weeks) until the new supply guy was ready for prime time.  After that she didn't respond to  a few of my requests to get together so I went NC. She had moved on. No need to discuss I guess. It's now been 2 months since my last text to her.  

[Earthbayne]

My story is quite odd, because an hour before I left to never see her again, she was giving me oral sex while we were watching shows on TV. We had some wine, and were having a "good time" overall, when things turned sexual. She was on her period, so we couldn't do anything.

Who knew that 60 minutes later, I'd be driving away from her house for the last time because she completely turned on me almost immediately after. We had a conversation about a certain issue I have pertaining to a leg injury I sustained a week or two prior (a leg cramp) and how I needed to visit a doctor. I also reminded her that she needed to go see one for her arm (hers is a lot more serious) and I immediately got painted black. She brought up all of these other issues pertaining to how I don't support her, how I'm never there for there.

She made sure to remind me she was losing her job soon and that she wouldn't be able to afford a doctor, when literally TWO hours earlier she told me the good news about how her parents were going to pay her insurance and any medical visits while she was unemployed. This got flipped into how I haven't been there for her lately and how if something happened again to my leg, she'd literally just walk away from me and not care at all. She kept laying it on me like that, and I had enough.

I don't even remember why she went upstairs at that moment, but when she did, I wasn't downstairs by the time she came back. I realized that even after having a good night with her, this would always be my existence, eggshells, flipping, negativity, shaming, blaming... .it was never going to end.

[Craydar]

My story is quite odd, because an hour before I left to never see her again, she was giving me oral sex while we were watching shows on TV. We had some wine, and were having a "good time" overall, when things turned sexual. She was on her period, so we couldn't

I realized that even after having a good night with her, this would always be my existence, eggshells, flipping, negativity, shaming, blaming... .it was never going to end.

So unbelievably similar!  We went to a sporting event, went back to her place, had sex, passed out, and I left in the early AM. That was the last I heard from her. (Yes she's still alive)

Now, another gf, a "non", once broke up with me bc I didn't want to have more kids.  I was cool with that. We broke up like responsible adults and then we f***ed the ___ out of each other. SO MUCH MORE NORMAL!

[BuildingFromScratch]

Honestly, I would have stayed until I died, even though I was pretty much miserable every single second of every single day. Because my faith was that strong. It's probably why It's taking me eternity to get out of this. Also, I have this uncanny ability to lower my standards until I have none, . Anyways, she ended it and then ran off and got married to a new sucker, really feel sorry for him to be honest.

[freedom33]

I actually commented just on this yesterday. It is when I realised that she wanted to intentionally hurt me... .That really changed everything in an instant. I still remember that moment that something inside me clicked or broke. Something changed.

I went through abuse and drama for months but didn't end it. Because what she was doing was not clearly malicious. She was just very sensitive - that is how I 'd put it without pathologising her - and I did truly love her. She had some great qualities - artistic, spiritual, adventurous, passionate. We shared some of these things and in that sense made a good match so I hung in there and put up with it because there was something special about her; however, it was only after we had an argument and I saw her looking at me with a sadistic smile pleased that a misfortune had befallen me about something else, that I ended things. She was pleased with my suffering. I realised that this person is not my friend. This person - or at least the person that she was that day - hates me.  I couldn't stay with her after that. I left, went NC all the way and never turned back. It's been 3 months but it feels like it's been 1 year already without her. I can't believe that 12 weeks ago I had that woman in my life. It feels so so distant. Wow... .What a relief.

[Targeted]

She may have a different version of the end to make herself feel happy but I ended the relationship!  Even while I was still completely in the FOG,  my decision to do this was based on tangible things that drove me to a place where I could not take it any more, IAM a self-sacrificing codependent type Who really takes pride in making somebody else happy with a reserve tank that allows me to just eat and bury more ___ to keep the peace  then I believe most humans can but she Filled that tank in two and a half years! I was fall and had no place left to store her ___!  Here is how she did that.

I would catch her in a lie and confronter with it, only to have the  Gaslighting begin and turn everything around to be my fault and now I in the end am made to be the habitual liar. In order to keep the peace you have to let it go but it goes right in the tank. Years of best that adds up!

Every normal relationship disagreement we had went to her going on a dating site instead of working out a disagreement. And due to the argumentative nature of this disorder i'm sure you can guess how many times I had to deal with that.

Cheating-- I do not think this needs a explanation. I called her and she admitted it, I forgave her and said this can never happen again,

After she accomplished deleting all three of my friends that were females from my life  she continued with her double standard of obtaining new male friends and I found her interactions with them to be inappropriate for a committed relationship.  More Sh*t in the tank.

Constant belittling of me and name calling as well as false accusations of infidelity

Making fun of my children and calling them names to me! This only happened at the end but really took up a lot of storage space when she said my children were ugly and my daughter looks like a witch and my son a pumpkin, my son is a big boy like his dad but not obese and my daughter actually resembles this woman more than her own mother in looks, my daughter is a beautiful girl actually and everyone says I am going to have problems with boys when she starts dating.  This put more ___ in my tank than cheating.

Constantly being told my family is toxic and I need to get away from them!  Being on the receiving end of that is difficult because I know my family and they are not perfect, I don't think any family is. But I know I could call on my family and say IM in love with this woman Who has a serious PD and I need all of your support to make things right and they would do it without question. Nobody could ever call a family like that toxic and get me to believe it!

total disrespect for the relationship, lack of appreciation for anything I did, lack of appreciation for financial support,Constant emotional support, as well as lack of appreciation for making her priorities more important than mine. I have so many things of mine that need to be fixed or maintained or just taken care of that I could never get to because she always needed something.

The culmination of all of these tangible things over time completely filled my larger than normal tank and once the leaching field could no longer quickly enough filter out The rate of incoming ___ from her septic behaviours every time she flushed her emotional toilet I found myself surrounded by a awful stench so bad that I could not breathe and I was now in a place where I knew I could not take any more and it was either leave or suffocate to death!

I initially left offering to come back someday if she was ever serious about fixing this severe problem and be there to help clean up the mess but through four months of emails I can still smell the stench.  I haver finally decided to take all of the ___ she gave me and through time and healing turn it into fertiliser and eventually try to plant a beautiful garden somewhere else!

[mitchell16]

I ended it after 3 years of horror. We recycled after being apart for almost a year which during that year she woudl contact me every few weeks. I finally caved and we got back together. It started off wonderful at first but true to her nature after about 6 weeks the nit picking, manufacturing of arguments started, her degrading remarks and then her drinking started back up. I had made up my mind that once the drinking started and then the lying that I was walking away. I had put up with that for 3 years but I wasnt goingto anymore. We split after I confronted her with some lies that I caught her in and she could explain. I had done my homework before confronting her. In the heat of teh argument she got mad and said that I need to find someone else becuase she wasnt the one for me. Why? I guess cuase she couldnt stop lying and I wasnt gonna put up with it. When she said you need to find someone else. I said Ok. We split. but she tried to maintain contact with me and she was still trying to get me back. We recycled for one night and then was apart again. She informed on the phone that she was gonna start dating other people and I told her to never contact me again and hung up. That was the last time we spoke. she  tried to recycle me but I have maintain NC. she called at 0100 in the morning, texts, letter begging to come back, but I have moved on. I found someone new who treats me good, cares about me, say nice things to me, helps me in life and Its nice. I dont think my ex misses me I think she wants me back so bad because in her mind I trumped her. I hung up on her and told her to never to contact me again. I have resisted her calls and texts which I have never been able to do for a long period of time and I found someone new and I havent looked back. So i think her mind I won. and how dare I do that . Who am I to stop being her punching bag.

[Craydar]

Honestly, I would have stayed until I died, even though I was pretty much miserable every single second of every single day. Because my faith was that strong. It's probably why It's taking me eternity to get out of this. Also, I have this uncanny ability to lower my standards until I have none, . Anyways, she ended it and then ran off and got married to a new sucker, really feel sorry for him to be honest.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I wasn't miserable most of the time. We had fun together. I'm wondering now if she even has BPD. So many of you are dealing with a lot of different issues. My uxBPDgf has ADD and is commitment phobic, and has abandonment issues.

[parisian]

I wrote her (what I thought was) a reasonably balanced email saying I was upset about some of her behaviour, that I didn't feel like I could talk with her about those things, but that they were upsetting for me and I wanted us to work on improving those (oh and could she tell me what I needed to improve too).

She basically deflected it all, without any real discussion, but simply offered me an ultimatum - 'I can't change so you need to think about whether or not this relationship is for you'.

Completely unaware that she had BPD, I of course expected she would act like a normal, healthy adult, and have a normal, healthy adult conversation about those things. WRONG.

When I got the ultimatum well then I did think about it, and one night before going to her place, I realised I was so sick and tired of the gut knot, anxiety, her aggressive yelling, drunkeness, and so on. You all know the issues... .

So I told her she had given me an ultimatum, and I was taking it. That was it.

[Pingo]

I haver finally decided to take all of the ___ she gave me and through time and healing turn it into fertiliser and eventually try to plant a beautiful garden somewhere else!

I love this!  Fertilizer! Exactly!

[Targeted]

Thank you,  but with that much of it what else could you possibly do to turn a negative into a positive?   It would seem like a waste if I did not make something out of what I got out of the relationship.     

[Turkish]

Like others have said, I couldn't take it any more. When she asked me, "what's wrong, you don't want to marry me anymore?" it led to a subtle, but debilitating negative feedback loop where I emotionally distanced myself, and she went out clubbing (later, she told me I should have asked her to stay home rather than "letting" her go out).

After I caught her cheating, and thought there might be a 5% chance of getting through it with a lot of work on both of our sides, I caught them still incessantly messaging each other. She said, "what if I can't get the love back. And what if this happens again?" (notice the lack of accountability, though she did admit that I was trying 110%, but that "I just can't love him," as she wrote in her journal.

I made the decision in a minute as the next few years of our life flashed by... .it would be like her parents' r/s, with me in her mother's role, having to deal with confronting a paramour every few years, and then never trusting the serial cheater who was looking for love outside of the family, and that parent somewhat alienated from our kids. I wasn't going to put up with that, and I had a choice, unlike her mother, whom my Ex kind of resented for never leaving her father.

I held her, as she was crying a little, and I said, "Then it's over. Done." Cue a big argument where she was going Queen on me, then me going Joe Carver (bland, boring, emotionless) for pretty much the next 4 months until she was able to leave the house with minimal external drama.

I think in an odd way, my Ex respected me for it. As hard as that four months was, and looking back, harder than anything in my childhood (including being homeless and dealing with my BPD mother), I was free. I did feel trapped, though, so at least one of us made an initial choice to end the r/s. The sad thing is that it went downhill pretty quickly after D2 was born, in combination with her maturity level reverting to that of a teenager within months of her father's exposed "kept woman." I didn't realize until much later after she moved out that her FOO issue in particular, which initiated she rebelling against her mother openly, was a significant trigger which had nothing to do with me.

[icom]

When I finally twigged to the fact-emotionally-that you cannot have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional individual.

There wasn’t one single behaviour that I could single out from the welter of poor behaviours that I could mark out as the catalyst; I simply grew tired of leading a very paltry existence with continuous sub optimal outcomes. 

Another element that weighed upon me (Upon all of those engaged I this sort of thing, I would imagine.) was the inverted conscience.  In my world, my moral agency overrides my emotions, and I always feel compelled to hold myself to a very high standard.  In the inverted world of the BPD, their emotions continuously override their moral agency, and other normative influences. 

Truly, all of a sudden I asked myself that pivotal question:

“Why the f%^k am I putting up with this ___?”

[BuildingFromScratch]

Honestly, I would have stayed until I died, even though I was pretty much miserable every single second of every single day. Because my faith was that strong. It's probably why It's taking me eternity to get out of this. Also, I have this uncanny ability to lower my standards until I have none, . Anyways, she ended it and then ran off and got married to a new sucker, really feel sorry for him to be honest.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I wasn't miserable most of the time. We had fun together. I'm wondering now if she even has BPD. So many of you are dealing with a lot of different issues. My uxBPDgf has ADD and is commitment phobic, and has abandonment issues.

Everyone reacts differently to trauma. I blamed myself for everything, was masochistic and also react by emotionally shutting down (except for anxiety/frustration/anger, and disassociated/blocked out reality for 90% of the relationship. I was already mentally ill when I met her, etc. I've read of borderlines spitting on people and hitting them constantly, I never dealt with that. I was also around her for some 13 years, longer than many.

[jorge]

After three months into the relationship she snapped during sex (1 day after I had the best sex of my life with her) - because I touched her ass while she was quite roughly and painfully riding me. She dissociated. After that she kept saying that she had lost all her trust in me because of that. I felt like being blamed for sexually assaulting her during sex by touching her. I thought I was in crazy-land and ended it two days later.

Today I have the idea that she couldn't bare the shame of acting like that in that situation and therefore projected it on me.

But my frustrations built up to that point: She belittled me in front of others, snapped and raged, threatened me (among other things, to cut my penis off), belittled me for wanting sex - even when she intiatiated it.

[CareTaker]

There where various things that led up to me walking out.

Firstly I knew I was in a dysfunctional relationship, and found answers on the internet. I tried to apply some advice I got to our relationship. It never worked. My borders where always crushed, and all that ever mattered was her and her feelings.

I remember one evening I sat down and wrote all the things down that I will not accept in a relationship.

Everything on the list I had accepted at that point. I had not only moved boundaries, but they where completely broken down.

Then I found that I was no longer in love, but addicted to a very dangerous person. There is no medication for this disorder and even therapy has very little effect. I was under pressure to get her pregnant and get married. I think at that point my 6th sense just took over and I walked out. Two weeks later I was asked to meet for drinks, but I turned it down.

Now 2 months later, after reading tons of material I think it was the wisest decision I have ever made. I would hate to think of the consequences had there been a child involved. Apart from that, bring a child up in such a dysfunctional relationship would ultimately be the worst possible upbringing a child could get.

And once I knew all the answers, I had to be honest to myself and realize that this addiction is fatal for my sense of being and my health.

I just no longer wanted to be there, and gladly use my "get of off jail free card" to walk away.

If my replacement sees it fit to have a baby with her, then I wish him luck. But I know longer want this destructive relationship, knowing what it is like to really be in love and to share you life with another.

I do not hate this woman, I just don't see any reason to be friends. There is nothing positive she has every brought into my life. And I will not have her negativity influence my new relationship in any way. So I walked away, and literary deleted 3 years of my life, as if it never happened.

[Tibbles]

I left - panic attacks and anxiety were making it impossible to stay. I was being destroyed. 

[FrenchConnection]

We were together 7 months total.  In the beginning of the relationship there were things i found not "normal" about her behavior:  emotional instability, fear of being abandoned by me, extreme jealousy if another woman spoke to me, very verbal aggressive behavior towards me followed by extreme idealization and incredible sex. 

So even though i continued with the relationship i was aware that something was not correct about her.  I knew she had a very troubled past with her parents and also had horrible love relationships in the past.

She was over aggressive with me in public and was completely crazy and out of touch with reality.  I stopped the relationship at that point and left.  Although she will claim it was her idea.  5 weeks later we recycled (my idea and my contact).  Just 2 months after that all the same patterns and behavior came back after a brief 'honeymoon' phase.  I realized her behavior was out of control and there were mental/emotional problems at this point.  I left the relationship and have since discovered about BPD.  I set boundaries and left both times when they were broken (although i had no idea what i was dealing with at the time).

[Deeno02]

We were together 7 months total.  In the beginning of the relationship there were things i found not "normal" about her behavior:  emotional instability, fear of being abandoned by me, extreme jealousy if another woman spoke to me, very verbal aggressive behavior towards me followed by extreme idealization and incredible sex. 

So even though i continued with the relationship i was aware that something was not correct about her.  I knew she had a very troubled past with her parents and also had horrible love relationships in the past.

She was over aggressive with me in public and was completely crazy and out of touch with reality.  I stopped the relationship at that point and left.  Although she will claim it was her idea.  5 weeks later we recycled (my idea and my contact).  Just 2 months after that all the same patterns and behavior came back after a brief 'honeymoon' phase.  I realized her behavior was out of control and there were mental/emotional problems at this point.  I left the relationship and have since discovered about BPD.  I set boundaries and left both times when they were broken (although i had no idea what i was dealing with at the time).

Glad you were smarter than I was.