He even contacted me through a dating website...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

If you don't know my sad story, BPD went crazy in July and since then has been slowly but steadily destroying me.

He left me with no money, alone with the kids (my D10 and our baby son), smear campaign to his family, bullying me with horrible messages (where I'm the worst woman on earth) etc etc

It's still hard for me to consider ourselves separated, as I can't see any "good" reason to it, apart from his paranoia... .I thought he loved me sincerely, and I'm starting to discover that he may have been the devil in disguise, I don't know. I'm lost.

I registered on a dating site about a week ago. I know I probably don't stand a chance to meet someone for real, with 2 kids and a BPD/schizo ex around  :'(

Plus the two men I tried to chat with just went silent when I mentionned I have a baby... .

Anyway, tonight, after having dinner with some friends, I went to have a quick check at my messages on this site... .and THERE HE WAS!

Under his nickname, not even a username. The picture he chose was the one I took when baby was born... .extremely symbolic... .and the text he wrote, oh lord.

He described himself as a "dutiful man towards his partner and at work, who cooks nice meals for the people he loves (the only thing he actually did at home), saying "he's been told he's good looking and a good lover" (by me I guess, although sex was once a month not more, except in the beginning). Yuck.

Then there was a part asking about the "perfect date"... .and he described OUR first dates.

It broke my heart. As if he repeated what we did everytime. We used to walk by the beach or the woods, and talk while watching the stars. And we made love a few times in the woods even. He wrote "we'll see if we feel like making love, we'll leave the world behind and follow our feelings... ."

His "perfect partner" had to have "little faults like everyone" and to be able to admit when she's wrong and be able to forgive his (!).

His "idea of a relationship" was one where we share, trust each other etc... .

And there was a message from him, going "I guess I won't get a date ?"

I had such a shock. I answered "why are you asking me this? You don't love me anymore, so the least you can do is respect the fact that I'm trying to move on." He said "it's just I found funny that we both ended up here... ."

Yeah, sure.

And then "Have a nice evening, kiss baby from me."

He's a monster, he freaks me out.

I'm feeling sick  

[Indyan]

If you don't know my sad story, BPD went crazy in July and since then has been slowly but steadily destroying me.

He left me with no money, alone with the kids (my D10 and our baby son), smear campaign to his family, bullying me with horrible messages (where I'm the worst woman on earth) etc etc

It's still hard for me to consider ourselves separated, as I can't see any "good" reason to it, apart from his paranoia... .I thought he loved me sincerely, and I'm starting to discover that he may have been the devil in disguise, I don't know. I'm lost.

I registered on a dating site about a week ago. I know I probably don't stand a chance to meet someone for real, with 2 kids and a BPD/schizo ex around  :'(

Plus the two men I tried to chat with just went silent when I mentionned I have a baby... .

Anyway, tonight, after having dinner with some friends, I went to have a quick check at my messages on this site... .and THERE HE WAS!

Under his nickname, not even a username. The picture he chose was the one I took when baby was born... .extremely symbolic... .and the text he wrote, oh lord.

He described himself as a "dutiful man towards his partner and at work, who cooks nice meals for the people he loves (the only thing he actually did at home), saying "he's been told he's good looking and a good lover" (by me I guess, although sex was once a month not more, except in the beginning). Yuck.

Then there was a part asking about the "perfect date"... .and he described OUR first dates.

It broke my heart. As if he repeated what we did everytime. We used to walk by the beach or the woods, and talk while watching the stars. And we made love a few times in the woods even. He wrote "we'll see if we feel like making love, we'll leave the world behind and follow our feelings... ."

His "perfect partner" had to have "little faults like everyone" and to be able to admit when she's wrong and be able to forgive his (!).

His "idea of a relationship" was one where we share, trust each other etc... .

And there was a message from him, going "I guess I won't get a date ?"

I had such a shock. I answered "why are you asking me this? You don't love me anymore, so the least you can do is respect the fact that I'm trying to move on." He said "it's just I found funny that we both ended up here... ."

Yeah, sure.

And then "Have a nice evening, kiss baby from me."

He's a monster, he freaks me out.

I'm feeling sick  

[hope2727]

You are not alone. Mine is online dating too. He claims t be a non smoker but smiles a pack or more a day. Has old pictures up and hasn't altered anything in his profile at all from when I met him there years ago. I was going to try online again but I can't take seeing his name pop up so I can't bother. DOn't worry about the baby and toddler. Lots of men have kids too. My friend is a widow and she is marrying a widower. They both have kids and it is working out great. You will do fine. My brother married a woman with children and now they have had more. It will be fine. You will be fine. Ii ono the other hand am eating supper with a dog and the tv while my x is out with my replacement and online dating at the same time. Depressing.

[Mutt]

And there was a message from him, going "I guess I won't get a date ?"

I had such a shock. I answered "why are you asking me this? You don't love me anymore, so the least you can do is respect the fact that I'm trying to move on." He said "it's just I found funny that we both ended up here... ."

That's tough. I detect projection if he's saying your the one that doesn't love him.

Block him.

On the upside, the chaos is further from you.

Go minimal contact and detach.

[Ceruleanblue]

You can bet he joined just to rile you up. I agree too that it does sound like he's projecting. You know he wrote all that stuff in his profile, just to hurt you. Either that or it's like he's just looking for a replacement just like you. I often felt like my husband wanted me to be JUST LIKE his ex. She cheated/left him, but he always seemed to want me to dress like, act like, and enjoy the same things she did. Yuck. He didn't understand why that felt badly to me. He lacks all empathy though, so it's not surprising.

You'll find someone, but I'd be really careful of the online dating. It's how I met the last two, and I regret both. I married my husband, not knowing his issues, and he was wearing a mask. It's even easier for these types to pretend to be someone else online. Heck, mine continued to do it in person until I'd married him.

[peiper]

Mine contacted me by phone a few weeks ago and tried engaging me in a conversation. She had the gal to say she bet the house was a mess. I told her no other then a spill on the couch (it was her couch before we married and she loved it) . I told her no big deal I'll just take my carpet cleaner (Bissell)  and clean it. She replied that it doesn't work. Heck it's brand new she just couldn't figure out how it worked. I replied that it works fine. She said I'll bet you!  To which I replied no reason to make a bet because we'll not be talking again and if you contact me again I'll be calling the authority's. It's nothing but crazy making with them.

[Indyan]

Thanks for your replies.

I'm still feeling hurt, deeply hurt.

I did some thinking before sleeping and came to the conclusion that indeed he LOOKED for me.

I told him in September that "since he didn't agree on something clear - such as therapeutic separation", I was free to try and meet someone else, like on a dating site. He had got angry and said "If it's my permission you want, I'm not giving it!"

Anyway 3 months have gone by, and he's become nastier and nastier, and HE is the one talking about separation.

So he must have been looking for me on the biggest website(s) and found me. It's not that easy to find someone, he must have looked at a number of profiles, or narrow his search to find me... .anyway.

And then, furious, (I checked if we could do that last night) he read my profile before completing his.

Everything in it is written to hurt me, it's obvious.

Not to mention the photograph. HIS first photograph with his baby, and we can guess from the background that it was taken in a hospital room... .

He's indeed a sick man.

Re-thinking of his description, it's as if he'd wanted to remind ME of his qualities, or rather of the qualities I found in him and the good time we had together... .and sadly, it worked. It made me cry, and I hate him for this.

After we exchanged a few lines, I blocked him. So he couldn't check whether I was online/not online anymore.

Strangely (I could find it funny if I didn't know how deranged he is), I received "an invitation to chat" from a so-called man living (is it a coincidence?) at a place we'd been on holidays to, and whose photograph is my favourite musician (but you need to know it's him, the picture is not a professional one)... .my favourite musician/singer is the guitarist of pink floyd, I guess not everyone would think of him... .

I answered "that it was funny but not discreet" and got no reply back of course (2 subscriptions would cost hell I guess).

His description was a lie, an idealized version that he wants to believe in. That he is "reliable, trustworthy etc".

Yeah, right.

Where are the (ex) wife and kids? Alone, at home, with no money and being bullied.

But of course if he meets a woman, he will tell her how horrible I am and she'll believed him. Like (I'm ashamed to say) I did when we met, to a certain degree... .but I'd met the girl.

If one doesn't know the ex, they may believe anything. Also, generally women don't like me (because of my looks, I'm rather attractive although not making much use of it ), so he'd definitely get support from that side.

He's just building a huge lie around his image, it's pitiful.

He even chose "wants kids"... .WTH? He's always said he didn't want any, only "changed his mind" with me, and denied this at MC 2 months ago saying "I'd forced him".

Now I'm afraid of his next move. What else is he going to find to hurt me even more.

Last night my friends commented on how much weight I'd lost, and I'm also getting concerned about this. He's affected every single area of my life, including my health, and I truly resent him for this.

But he'll have to fall, his comedia del arte won't last forever, and the fall will be hard I can imagine.

I'm planning to invite my B20 for the holidays. I'd like to have someone with me in case BPD goes wild.

But I know he'll go even wilder if he knows my B is here. He's very paranoid about him, because my B has had a few (bad) problems with (bad) guys, but he's a nice little fellow himself.

So if BPD learns B is here (hence around baby), he might hit the roof. And THEN I won't hesitate to call the ambulance and have him sent to the psych ward, which is very near btw.

[peiper]

Thanks for your replies.

I'm still feeling hurt, deeply hurt.

I did some thinking before sleeping and came to the conclusion that indeed he LOOKED for me.

I told him in September that "since he didn't agree on something clear - such as therapeutic separation", I was free to try and meet someone else, like on a dating site. He had got angry and said "If it's my permission you want, I'm not giving it!"

Anyway 3 months have gone by, and he's become nastier and nastier, and HE is the one talking about separation.

So he must have been looking for me on the biggest website(s) and found me. It's not that easy to find someone, he must have looked at a number of profiles, or narrow his search to find me... .anyway.

And then, furious, (I checked if we could do that last night) he read my profile before completing his.

Everything in it is written to hurt me, it's obvious.

Not to mention the photograph. HIS first photograph with his baby, and we can guess from the background that it was taken in a hospital room... .

He's indeed a sick man.

Re-thinking of his description, it's as if he'd wanted to remind ME of his qualities, or rather of the qualities I found in him and the good time we had together... .and sadly, it worked. It made me cry, and I hate him for this.

After we exchanged a few lines, I blocked him. So he couldn't check whether I was online/not online anymore.

Strangely (I could find it funny if I didn't know how deranged he is), I received "an invitation to chat" from a so-called man living (is it a coincidence?) at a place we'd been on holidays to, and whose photograph is my favourite musician (but you need to know it's him, the picture is not a professional one)... .my favourite musician/singer is the guitarist of pink floyd, I guess not everyone would think of him... .

I answered "that it was funny but not discreet" and got no reply back of course (2 subscriptions would cost hell I guess).

His description was a lie, an idealized version that he wants to believe in. That he is "reliable, trustworthy etc".

Yeah, right.

Where are the (ex) wife and kids? Alone, at home, with no money and being bullied.

But of course if he meets a woman, he will tell her how horrible I am and she'll believed him. Like (I'm ashamed to say) I did when we met, to a certain degree... .but I'd met the girl.

If one doesn't know the ex, they may believe anything. Also, generally women don't like me (because of my looks, I'm rather attractive although not making much use of it ), so he'd definitely get support from that side.

He's just building a huge lie around his image, it's pitiful.

He even chose "wants kids"... .WTH? He's always said he didn't want any, only "changed his mind" with me, and denied this at MC 2 months ago saying "I'd forced him".

Now I'm afraid of his next move. What else is he going to find to hurt me even more.

Last night my friends commented on how much weight I'd lost, and I'm also getting concerned about this. He's affected every single area of my life, including my health, and I truly resent him for this.

But he'll have to fall, his comedia del arte won't last forever, and the fall will be hard I can imagine.

I'm planning to invite my B20 for the holidays. I'd like to have someone with me in case BPD goes wild.

But I know he'll go even wilder if he knows my B is here. He's very paranoid about him, because my B has had a few (bad) problems with (bad) guys, but he's a nice little fellow himself.

So if BPD learns B is here (hence around baby), he might hit the roof. And THEN I won't hesitate to call the ambulance and have him sent to the psych ward, which is very near btw.

Two or three months after the BU I started getting friend requests on Facebook from women that had just joined, had no friends on their list and no posts on their page. This is after I had blocked her. About a dozen in a couple of weeks. Had to be her. I think it's because we were always there. They want that security blanket that we're still around in case things don't work out.

[Indyan]

Two or three months after the BU I started getting friend requests on Facebook from women that had just joined, had no friends on their list and no posts on their page. This is after I had blocked her. About a dozen in a couple of weeks. Had to be her. I think it's because we were always there. They want that security blanket that we're still around in case things don't work out.

Hi, what's the "B.U"?

In my case, I think he's bullying me. He's very schizophrenic in this, he loves and hates me at the same time. He keeps mentionning separation but invited himself 4 days and pretended things were ok etc.

It's extremely hurtful and confusing.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to survive this, and in what state I'll be if I do... .

[peiper]

Two or three months after the BU I started getting friend requests on Facebook from women that had just joined, had no friends on their list and no posts on their page. This is after I had blocked her. About a dozen in a couple of weeks. Had to be her. I think it's because we were always there. They want that security blanket that we're still around in case things don't work out.

Hi, what's the "B.U"?

In my case, I think he's bullying me. He's very schizophrenic in this, he loves and hates me at the same time. He keeps mentionning separation but invited himself 4 days and pretended things were ok etc.

It's extremely hurtful and confusing.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to survive this, and in what state I'll be if I do... .

breakup

[Shankz]

Go with no communication at all, even though he's so persistent continuing messaging you, or even block him.