why does sex never happen

[RoseB]

I've been with my BPD gf for 5 months, and in the beginning we did have sex, maybe for the first month. Then it stopped happening. I asked her why, I thought it was a lack of attraction of something, but she told me to stop being so self involved. She says she's never felt comfortable with sex or much physical contact, as it feels like someone is entering her bubble. She has made it very clear that she dislikes sex and doesnt want it at all. She has also said that if I love her enough I wont care about sex and I will be happy just to be in a relationship with her, regardless of sex. She has said that in the beginning she only had sex so that I would want to stay with her. A therapist once told her that this was due to control issues. Im struggling to understand how these control issues are more powerful than the desire to be intimate. She says she loves me and wants to be with me, but the relationship is no longer sexual. Is it normal for BPD's to dislike sex and physical contact? She is not asexual. She has never been sexually abused in any way, however her mother was physically abusive at times during her childhood which is the root of a lot of her problems. Is she testing me to see if I care enough about her to not want sex? She has said that sex can make her feel used. Is she just afraid of physical contact because of her past? And does anybody else have similar issues with BPD's and intimacy? thanks.

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[Hawk Ridge]

It turns out this is very common in pw BPD. 

[Mie]

My partner is blaming me for not 'being not even able to have sex' (among other things).

We did too, in the beginning. Then he started to complain that I don't like it. But I did like it. Well, sometimes I did not like it the way he did (a bit too rough for my taste) but I was honest (but gentle) and told him.  However, every time I took an initiative, he pushed me away in 'don't be ridiculous' way.

When dysregulating he described in detail how ugly, unattractive and hateful I am physically and how rotten my character is because I'm spoilt, childish, shy, jealous, traumatized, lazy... .you name it. Those outbursts little by little have killed my interest in sex with him. He has been cheating me too and blamed me for it!

So, we don't have sex at the moment, and it's not totally because of me... .

[RoseB]

It turns out this is very common in pw BPD. 

Do you know why? Is it a control thing or do they just not enjoy physical closeness? I know it'll be different in every case.

[Craydar]

I see the opposite in my case. She was always very into sex, which became a problem when she started hooking up with another guy. Now, previously my ex wife non (who knows) was frigid but that was a different story.

[Mr. Solo]

My dBPDw and I were very much into sex (3-4 times a week at a minimum). However, once she started BPDing really bad, she started asking for quickies and/or would say something like, "I want to do it but I don't want to kiss or anything." Of course, as soon as I complied it became, "Why don't you kiss me anymore? How come we just do it really fast and don't make out or anything?" Well, that's what she said she wanted. She began going back and forth about everything that had to do with sex. She liked it this way and then she didn't. She liked it at this time of the day and then didn't. She liked it kinky and then didn't. Eventually it became just another case of she didn't know what she wanted but she expected me to know what she wanted (despite flipping back and forth all the time).

[ColdEthyl]

Sex seems to be an odd thing and all over the board for BPD, and I think it's because a lot of them were sexually abused, and everyone's reaction to that is different.

For my husband, he was drugged and raped for years by one of his dad's friends from 9-13. His sexual exploits when he was younger were just as much all over the board.

For the past 10 years, his interest has diminished to nothing. He still has voyeur tenancies, telling me often how he would like to see me with someone... .but I'm not going to do that. He's also said how much he hates sex, and if he never has it again he doesn't care.

He's showing libido/low T signs, and I think that part makes him feel 1,000 times worse, and a BPDer is going to feel so much more worse about something like that. It's like why bother or why try if you might not be able to complete the act.

So for the moment our sex life has come to a screeching halt. He does take care of me in other ways if I ask, and does so happily.