Who is "They"?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My MIL used to always grab me by saying things like, "They said this," or "They said that." It always left me wondering who "They" was. Has the BPD person in your life ever done this? Have you ever called them out on it? How did they respond?  It took me awhile to realize there really was no "they" and that it was all made up to get me to see her side of things.

[FreedomReigns]

My MIL used to always grab me by saying things like, "They said this," or "They said that." It always left me wondering who "They" was. Has the BPD person in your life ever done this? Have you ever called them out on it? How did they respond?  It took me awhile to realize there really was no "they" and that it was all made up to get me to see her side of things.

[aubin]

My uBPD mother and my BPDexgf both did this -- talk in incredibly vague and abstract generalizations. I saw it as their way of deflecting ownership of their thoughts or denying responsibility for their own actions. For example, when I was a kid, my mother wouldn't let me have birthday parties, claiming that "they" didn't like me so "they" wouldn't come to my party. If i asked her who, she would say "everyone" or "people." It took me years to figure out that the "they" was her and really she was saying "I don't like you."

[pessim-optimist]

I suspect that this has to do with the pwBPD's unstable sense of self and their insecurity. So, since "there is strength in numbers" to feel stronger, they may bring another person's opinion to help them feel stronger (like it's not just them having this view, so it bears more weight).

Perhaps if there isn't anyone specific, they may invent a 'they'.

[clljhns]

Hi FreedomReigns,

Yes! My mother was notorious for this statement. I called it her bully tactic. I think it made her feel stronger to say that there were others who felt as she did. There is power in numbers. Even imagined numbers.

[Woolspinner2000]

Although I don't recall my uBPDm using the term "they," she always used the term 'we,' especially when I was around. I never had that separate identity; I was always included in everything she did or mostly she was always a part of everything I did. That meant all the work I did, how I felt, things I liked, etc. I would get angry that she never gave me credit. Called her out on it one time as a child that I can recall. I think it was the last time too for she certainly let me have it.  It does get bothersome, doesn't it? 

Woolspinner

[funfunctional]

Yes.  I think "they" is a way of justifying their own behavior/actions/thoughts. Well, if "they" know it and "they" agree and "they" feel it then BPD must be right and not only is BPD right but they got the backing.

Interesting observation!    Very real.

[nomom4me]

My mom uses "we" when planning family events. "Oh well, we don't know what you are doing so... ." Drives me nuts and this year I might ask for a count of who exactly "we" are.  I suspect it's my enmeshed sister and my mothers alcoholic partner.  She confuses people, when my cousin asked simply "how is (your daughter) doing" and my mother went on a long rant about how "we" all hope I'm getting married soon.  I heard about my upcoming wedding (with no ring on my finger) at my grandmothers memorial.  My mom is only interested in looking good in the moment, even if the lie will come to light moments later... .if we don't talk about reality and brush it under the rug, she looks magnanimous (if delusional).

It's just another way to avoid accountability.

[Deb]

she always used the term 'we,' especially when I was around. I never had that separate identity; I was always included in everything she did or mostly she was always a part of everything I did. That meant all the work I did, how I felt, things I liked, etc.

This SOO my dBPD sister. I remember one time sitting in a coffeeshop with her and some friends and my sister was telling us about a woman she had just met. And she said of this woman as she looked right at me: "And she believes the same way we do!" And my thought was "But you have no idea what I think or feel." It was the first time I realized that my sister supposed I felt/thought/believed just as she did. That maybe she didn't see me as a seperate person with seperate fellings/thoughts/beliefs.

[sunnyray21]

My father is uBPD, but usually uses the phrase "those/these people", usually in the context of how "they" are making his life unbearable at the moment.  I usually have no real clue who he is referring to and i sometimes imagine a kind of invisible chorus of people in the corner of the room that must be constantly persecuting him in his own mind.