BPDw starting with invidual therapy... worried painting black will increase

[nightmoves]

So... .my BPDw is starting with individual therapy.

In many ways... .one could see this as a good thing.And as such I do.

But one thing REALLY concerns me.

She is in a LONG drawn out period of painting me black. Over almost anything/everything.

One of her biggest angst revolves around her being tired of "others"... me , kids, family, etc... .

In a non BPD... .these feelings certainly can occur... .in many... .BUT... .this is different. This is RAGED, AMPLIFIED, and emanate largely within her with no reality to the environment.

So ... .my concern is... .IF she is validated by a therapist for her feelings.

Wont that simply "justify" them?

I am really concerned that ... .after SO much work to learn how to NOT trigger, how to cope with and support BPD behaviors, AND doing a really good and MUCH better job of it.

While the chaos was largely reduced as I did not engage, built better boundaries, helped keep away any triggers, In many ways... .SHE ... .wrestled even MORE with things in HER. (as maybe there was NO place to PUT them/project them)

So there has been an almost PANIC in her. An INCREASE in irrational thoughts. And a want to go "get things fixed for her". To "become" a new person who is "for her" and not the "rest of us".

I just worry that ... .so easily... .the therapist ... .may simply validate her way along... .AND ... help her self actualize toward going her own way... .and leaving us behind.

Maybe this is not real ratinonal of a thought.

BUT... .wanted to get a sense of what it was like when other BPD spouses went to counseling while in a raging paint it black place.

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[Mr. Solo]

My dBPDw began DBT in July of 2012. It didn't help at all. In fact, I do think it made things worse. The therapist didn't speak with anyone else during the process so my wife was able to lie and get away with it. My wife would also justify her behavior often by saying, "My therapist said this was okay for me to do." It was based on my wife's lies though. Then my wife became enamored with the therapist. She would call her cell phone 4-5 times a day to talk. That's fine but my wife was always wondering out loud, "I wonder if my therapist is married? Is she a lesbian? Is she attracted to women? I wonder where she lives?" My wife also wouldn't do any work outside of the b___ing sessions. She wouldn't go to group or anything. She just wanted to run her mouth. It was very expensive so after my wife finally left, I told her I was no longer paying for it.

[maxsterling]

I certainly know the worry.  I, too, worry that my SO's therapist (or AA sponsor) will validate bad behaviors and agree with her that I am the cause. 

BUT- I am going to urge you to be patient here.  While that scenario may happen, it also may not happen, and whether it does or doesn't is beyond your control.  Perhaps a few points to help put your mind at ease:

- Therapists are trained to spot these things.  So, the scenario of your wife will manipulate the therapist through lying is less likely. 

- More likely is that your wife will put what the T says into the wrong context.  T may tell her it's not healthy to keep things bottled up, and W interprets that as the green light to criticize everyone.  So even if the T is not validating your wife's painting people black, your wife may interpret T's response as validation.  Beyond your control, beyond T's control. 

- At least she is seeing a T.  Better than not seeing a T.  With a T, there is at least a chance of it working out more favorably.  The status quo without a T was a guaranteed train wreck.

I can say from my experience, my SO has tried to paint the whole world black in T sessions or with her AA sponsor, looking for validation.  And she may come back to me feeling validated claiming she is right to blame me for this or that.  But months later once the smoke has blown away, I learn that the T or the AA sponsor did *not* validate that at all!  What really happened was the T was trying to validate the emotions and get her to see the other side, but she wasn't ready yet to see the other side. 

[nightmoves]

Thank you MAx.

Very much.

- At least she is seeing a T.  Better than not seeing a T.  With a T, there is at least a chance of it working out more favorably.  The status quo without a T was a guaranteed train wreck.

The above - actually reverberated with me.

If nothing else... .issues may be addressed.

My concern or confusion is this.

MANY people on here ask the question:

":)oes my pwBPD actually BELIEVE the things about me that a screamed when they are dysregulated/raged and painting up black?"

Here is the thing then... .when she is in with a therapist... .it seems she will be telling stories that just are not factual/true.

And then getting validation that she is RIGHT to be painting black a person who has done or been XYZ.

And thus... .I fear... .hurting our chances together... .

[maxsterling]

MANY people on here ask the question:

":)oes my pwBPD actually BELIEVE the things about me that a screamed when they are dysregulated/raged and painting up black?"

Try to detach yourself from this question - because it is beyond your control.   Does she believe it?  When she is mad, she sure does.  But keep in mind, this is her reality at that moment.  Feelings=facts to her.  All she knows is that she is angry.  After she calms does she believe it?  Who knows.  I think my SO tends to block things out.  But really, really important to try and not dwell on it, because her delusions are not your responsibility or your control.  She's no more adept at getting you to believe her reality than you your reality. 

Here is the thing then... .when she is in with a therapist... .it seems she will be telling stories that just are not factual/true.

She may lie.  She may not.  I know she won't heal if she lies.  But I do know that if she is not actively dysregulating, she is more likely to be truthful to the T.  And Ts have a way of helping people be honest and seeing through BS.  Not all of them, but they are trained in this area.  You have to trust the T.  Again, beyond your control, so worrying about it won't do you any good.  I don't know your wife, but if she is anything like my SO, she will eventually break down and be open to the T.  And at that point it is a matter of your wife honestly and objectively listening to her T rather than only hearing part of what the T says.  Remember, the T is not there to tell your wife what to do/not do, but your wife is most likely going to look for the T to do this.  And then your wife will try to interpret intent into the T's words, yet the T really said nothing at all.  The T is to help guide your wife into making better choices in her own life and examine her own situation. 

[michel71]

I am sorry to say that my uBPDw's experiences with her own therapy was a complete bust. She went through about 3 therapists, saw them for a few times each. Just long enough to get their support that it wasn't her, IT WAS ME. Of course she undoubtedly portrayed herself as the victim, demonized me so got the therapist's sympathy. Then she and I saw a therapist together. After going through 2 ( we both didn't find that they were a good fit), we liked the style of the 3rd one, but ultimately we stopped going. We both felt that the T was not really clued in after all and that our very high conflict marriage almost frustrated her. I don't think she held my wife accountable for anything. I have my own therapist and have been seeing her for years, even prior to my relationship with my spouse. I have had abandonment issues having had a very narcissistic mother who was emotionally unavailable/abusive. I am a very open and introspective person. I own my own stuff and believe in improving oneself but when I felt like the couples therapist was "snowed" by her victim role, I got frustrated. It just wasn't helping. My wife also thought it was making things worse "having to talk about it". Now we are reading self help books. Hasn't helped yet but we are just getting started.

Good luck friend.

[nightmoves]

Thank you all.