Oh where to begin?

[confusedinmbsc]

I have been scouring the boards and any resources I can find to potentially help/make my decision easier. Some back story. I have known my partner for 10 years now. We lost contact for a few years (he was in the military,we didn't keep in touch, ya know, life). Fast forward to present day. We reconnected, feelings deepened, we decided to give a r/s a go. He just moved here from across the country in August to be with me (aww, sweet). It has been such a nightmare. Started out so nice. Now, we fight constantly, everything is my fault, I work too much, I don't do enough, I don't listen to him, I'm selfish. I could go on forever. I work 10.5 hours a day, EVERY day. He knew this before he moved here. I always go over to his place after work to eat supper and spend a little bit of time with him, every single day. The fighting is so insane. We got into it about me taking a nap last Saturday. He was seriously raging at me because I was tired after work and took a 1 hour nap. Since his arrival, we have only been intimate twice. No kissing, no touching. I get a perfunctory kiss when I go home and he walks me out. I have tried to bring this up on three occasions. I'm right away labeled as a sex fiend, and accused of using him for physical pleasure. It has now been over seven weeks since I have had a proper kiss. I feel anxious and nervous whenever I go to see him, I feel like I never know which man I'm going to get on any given day. He can have his good moments of course. I did not sign up for this. I feel like a glorified friend, and like he is looking, searching for anything to blame on me to justify his treatment of me. I get a rage and blame-fest if I look at him too long, if I ask a question that he may have already answered, blamed for not caring about him because I took too long to get there, or didn't do HIS dishes. (I do NOT live with him, I eat one meal a day with him and promptly clean up) We're supposed to be in the Honeymoon Phase. I am lonely,sad, and I feel duped. Sorry for the length and possible rambling of this post. I'm at my wit's end. I have ten minutes left before my workday is over, and I am dreading having to put on a fake happy face again. I feel somewhat responsible and obligated because he did take a huge chance in moving out here, but it was his insistance. I was fine with him having a visit, and doing a LDR for a while to see how we fit together. I'm frustrated, anxious, and all over the map. I'm thankful I found this board.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[oletimefeelin]

Yeah, so, this is a disaster for you and I'm sorry for that.  The one saving grace here is that he moved to be with you, but you are not living together.

You sound exhausted.  I have been there.  The most important thing here is that you take care of your own needs.  If you're killing yourself at work and this guy is draining you after it, then set some limits to how often you go over there.  Is it completely impossible to communicate these needs to him?  Have you tried? 

I'm curious what specifically about him led you to these boards.  There's certainly chaos here.  You mention his time in the military.  Is PTSD an issue?

The bottom line here is that you need to be able to take care of yourself.  If that's something you've struggled with in past relationships then, well, it's high time you get down to business in that department.  Most non's come here have massive issues with codependency. 

If it's an unfamiliar term, look it up.  You may be near exhausted and hopeless now, but this relationship can be the template through which you improve future relationships.  You likely will not be able change this man, but you will be able to work on yourself. 

Good luck.

[confusedinmbsc]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I have tried to communicate with him about not expecting me every day, but he refuses to have a conversation with me. It's basically me talking and him getting angry over the fact that my job interferes with what he think should be his time. If I want to go home and relax, I should be able to without a guilt trip, or without me being a bad person. He has claimed PTSD, and while I don't deny that may be an issue from something in his past, I have come to find out he was never deployed, he never saw combat, so it's likely not military related. (just a shot in the dark, he won't talk about it). He refuses to keep in touch with his military buddies, has alienated himself from his family completely. These are things I learned after he got here. I got very fed up trying to discuss things with him, and started to feel nervous, anxious, resentful towards him, so I just started googling to see if I could gain information on how to deal with this, as nothing I say or do is ever right or good enough. BPD seems to describe him to a T. I haven't really struggled with taking care of myself or needs before him. I am struggling on how to put my foot down and communicate with someone who seems to have no concept of anything beyond himself. It's exhausting to try and take a night off, because I know a HUGE fight is going to happen. I was more content in my life before he got here. He talked a good game, but I feel like he isn't doing a thing to back it up. I feel like he is happy starting trouble, and unsettled when there's nothing dramatic going on. Ugh. In the past 2 weeks, I have really started mulling over just ending it and cutting my losses sooner rather than later. This isn't a good start to a good partnership at all.

[oletimefeelin]

Is there anything good in this relationship?  Like what would you miss if you decided to end this.

It sounds to me that you feel deceived.  That he pulled the wool over your eyes.  This being long distance likely made the gulf between who you thought he was and who he really is that much more pronounced.

You know the older I get, the easier it is to walk away from these things.  I'd like to be married and at least entertain the possibility of children.  If there's no meaningful connection and the person appears incapable of giving me these things, then what's the point?  

Think about your long term goals and needs.  Where does this man fit in relation to those?

[waverider]

Why are you doing this? It is a choice not an obligation.

If we do things by choice then we need a reason for us. What is your pay off, that is keeping you hooked, as you have no history to salvage?

To move forward we need to first understand why, what is our motivation?

I know this is not an easy question to answer. But it is where we need start.

Dealing with a BPD relationship is very hard, make no mistake, there is no point if there is no reason.

[confusedinmbsc]

Happy Thanksgiving! Thanks again for your replies. If I really think about it, the only thing keeping me around would be the rare good times. That and the irrational sense of obligation I feel. It sort of feels like I'm under pressure to keep things working because he moved here cross country in the blink of an eye, and doesn't hesitate to bring that up. "I moved here for you, you can't be tired!" "I gave up everything to come here, and you can't cut back your hours at work?" It shifts the responsibility to nobody but me. Last argument we had (three days ago), I told him I was sick and tired of being the only one to work at the relationship. That he was unreasonable to think all he had to do was show up and thats it. His response was to angrily throw me out, then text me "see you tomorrow" later that evening. He's drawing pension from the military, sits in his apartment all day on the computer, and waits until 6pm for me to get off work. He will NOT tidy up his place, refuses to go anywhere without me. I DO feel deceived, lonely, and burdened with all the responsibility. Honestly, I would like to end it, but this early in the game, is that giving up too soon? My needs are important. Respect, honesty, trust, clear communication, tenderness and understanding. It's becoming all too clear that he has no idea how to reciprocate the things that are the most important in a successful partnership. More and more I keep thinking "Why in the hell did he come here to act this way?" and "How do I get out of this easily?" If I'm thinking this way so early in the supposed r/s, I know what I should do. It just feels like a total fail to have to be in this position.

[oletimefeelin]

For some reason, I just knew this guy was sitting around doing nothing all day.  If he felt the same sort of guilt and obligation towards you that you do for him, I have to think he would have gotten his butt off the couch and gotten a job by now.

Listen to your voice, not his.  He's disordered.     

[Moselle]

Confusedinmbsc,

I can relate very personally to your heart wrenching decision. I have made a stay decision, but I had 14 years and 3 children invested, and I still had a hard time making my decision.

From a personal point of view regarding my decision,  I recognized 2 things:

1. That I love her

2. That I had unfinished business from my childhood which actually motivates a stay decision for my own mental health. Ie I'm finishing that business from a within the relationship.  And twisted as it may sound "If you can heal and make it work in a BPD relationship,  you can make it work with anyone else"

I know it's sometimes hard to recognise that we have choices. But we usually have more options than we think.

All the best with your choices.

[confusedinmbsc]

Well, I left his place last night around 9pm, went home to take a shower, and start helping with Thanksgiving prep and cleaning (I live with my elderly grandmother). I was very busy and didn't see that I was being texted all night long, I went to bed about 2am without thinking about my phone at all. =( HUGE MISTAKE. I texted him this morning to with him Happy Thanksgiving, and that I'd see him later this evening. I get an onslaught of angry messages. "You never answered me" "You're being shady" "I don't trust you, so don't worry about seeing me tonight" I just explained that I was busy, and he knew everything I had to do, and I wasn't arguing about it. That fueled him even more. "I can't control shady people". So I just said "Enjoy your day, I refuse to argue about something you THINK I did, when I have done nothing. Get back to me when you can be reasonable." I need to break it off asap, but I'm not letting him ruin the holiday with my family. I don't care anymore. This is insanity that I'm not equipped to deal with, and I have no desire to deal with it. So angry right now, but I'm trying not to show it.

[Mie]

It sort of feels like I'm under pressure to keep things working because he moved here cross country in the blink of an eye, and doesn't hesitate to bring that up. "I moved here for you, you can't be tired!" "I gave up everything to come here, and you can't cut back your hours at work?" It shifts the responsibility to nobody but me.

Taking responsibility is not core competence of pwBPD.

Mine moved from another country to live with me. I invited him for x-mas and he just stayed, 9 years so far. Because he sacrified his nice (he was drifting = free) life for me, I have to take responsibility for everything. He even said I should pay him because he is helping me so much. Yeah, right. I have paid big time.

[waverider]

Staying with someone out of obligation does not last long especially if you dont have ties or history.

The good times are often just the other swing of the disorder, they can evaporate too.

Whatever issue you have in front of you is not the problem. Getting over that issue does not mean everything is back on track, it is just respite before the next issue. The problem is the endless cycle of dramas. The issues are just symptoms.

You cannot enter a BPD relationship with a suck it and see attitude it will overwhelm you until fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) holds you there

[confusedinmbsc]

Thanks for the advice and concern guys! We got into it via text yesterday, as I posted. I ended it this afternoon, after being accused of being a selfish witch (b not w) for not apologizing for HIS outburst yesterday over text. There's just no way I'm dealing with this. I wished him love and peace, and told him to take care, but we were not a good fit. I'm every name in the book of course, but I'm so relieved. It has been the worst 3.5 months ever. I truly commend those of you who stay. Takes a special kind of love to deal with that, and the patience of Job.

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks for the advice and concern guys! We got into it via text yesterday, as I posted. I ended it this afternoon, after being accused of being a selfish witch (b not w) for not apologizing for HIS outburst yesterday over text. There's just no way I'm dealing with this. I wished him love and peace, and told him to take care, but we were not a good fit. I'm every name in the book of course, but I'm so relieved. It has been the worst 3.5 months ever. I truly commend those of you who stay. Takes a special kind of love to deal with that, and the patience of Job.

I'm glad you made this decision now. It took me 20 years to extract myself from a marriage I knew was a mistake at the outset.

[Moselle]

Thanks for the advice and concern guys! We got into it via text yesterday, as I posted. I ended it this afternoon, after being accused of being a selfish witch (b not w) for not apologizing for HIS outburst yesterday over text. There's just no way I'm dealing with this. I wished him love and peace, and told him to take care, but we were not a good fit. I'm every name in the book of course, but I'm so relieved. It has been the worst 3.5 months ever. I truly commend those of you who stay. Takes a special kind of love to deal with that, and the patience of Job.

Well done confusedinmbsc. I think that was the wisest decision.