This part:
When I imagine the kind of life we had talked about, and that isn't real. When I try to make sense of what was said and done.
that really hits home for me. I kept waiting and kept waiting for us to have that life, the "we" life, but it never happened. I think I get sad and butt-hurt instead of mad too often. My T will say "you were pissed at him" and I'll answer, "well actually I was sad." I think the sad is part of it, but the more victim part, and I need to learn to be angry first!
I still have to deal with some feelings of fear when my uBPDh of 38 years sounds aggressive in his words via text or email or phone message, but I put that off to years of conditioning (sloow learner here!) where I NEED to harness that ANGER thing!
It's supposed to be easier for guys to express things in anger, that's an "acceptable" male emotion, which is pretty sad in itself. But I think you're totally right, that anger in you and that anxiety in me are signs that something is off!
