Gf broke up with me out of nowhere

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone!   I'm looking for answers if anyone can assist.  I was dating a girl for 2 months who lived across the country.  We talked over the phone for hours each day. Some days I was the center of her universe and some days I felt like we were on different pages.  We decided to set up a trip together where I would visit her and spend some time to see how compatible we were.  It was an amazing trip.  I told her I loved her during the trip and at first she didn't respond.  We were having sex 3 times a day. Two days later she said she was falling in love with me.  She was talking about us moving in together and where we would possibly live. Next day she begged me to stay one more day and I agreed.  On the last day she dropped me off at the airport and hugged me for 5 minutes. when I got home she said she wasn't feeling good and didn't want me to be upset if she wasn't responding to me. Three days later she said she was feeling depressed and needed some time to work through it. She understood it was selfish, but she needed the time alone.  A few days later when we spoke she was cold and distant.  During our talk she said that she no longer has feelings for me anymore.  I DONT UNDERSTAND!  She was just telling me the week before how much she cared and was falling inlove with me, only to switch off a few days later.  I don't think I did anything wrong within that time to cause her to change her feelings for me.  Anyway, it's been a month and a half since the break up.  She's only reached out once to send her condolences for the death of my cousin. She said she is there for me if I needed anything.  I don't know what to do. Walk away or reach out?  Any insight would be wonderful.  Thank you!

[Cielo]

Hi everyone!   I'm looking for answers if anyone can assist.  I was dating a girl for 2 months who lived across the country.  We talked over the phone for hours each day. Some days I was the center of her universe and some days I felt like we were on different pages.  We decided to set up a trip together where I would visit her and spend some time to see how compatible we were.  It was an amazing trip.  I told her I loved her during the trip and at first she didn't respond.  We were having sex 3 times a day. Two days later she said she was falling in love with me.  She was talking about us moving in together and where we would possibly live. Next day she begged me to stay one more day and I agreed.  On the last day she dropped me off at the airport and hugged me for 5 minutes. when I got home she said she wasn't feeling good and didn't want me to be upset if she wasn't responding to me. Three days later she said she was feeling depressed and needed some time to work through it. She understood it was selfish, but she needed the time alone.  A few days later when we spoke she was cold and distant.  During our talk she said that she no longer has feelings for me anymore.  I DONT UNDERSTAND!  She was just telling me the week before how much she cared and was falling inlove with me, only to switch off a few days later.  I don't think I did anything wrong within that time to cause her to change her feelings for me.  Anyway, it's been a month and a half since the break up.  She's only reached out once to send her condolences for the death of my cousin. She said she is there for me if I needed anything.  I don't know what to do. Walk away or reach out?  Any insight would be wonderful.  Thank you!

[Infern0]

Hi everyone!   I'm looking for answers if anyone can assist.  I was dating a girl for 2 months who lived across the country.  We talked over the phone for hours each day. Some days I was the center of her universe and some days I felt like we were on different pages.  We decided to set up a trip together where I would visit her and spend some time to see how compatible we were.  It was an amazing trip.  I told her I loved her during the trip and at first she didn't respond.  We were having sex 3 times a day. Two days later she said she was falling in love with me.  She was talking about us moving in together and where we would possibly live. Next day she begged me to stay one more day and I agreed.  On the last day she dropped me off at the airport and hugged me for 5 minutes. when I got home she said she wasn't feeling good and didn't want me to be upset if she wasn't responding to me. Three days later she said she was feeling depressed and needed some time to work through it. She understood it was selfish, but she needed the time alone.  A few days later when we spoke she was cold and distant.  During our talk she said that she no longer has feelings for me anymore.  I DONT UNDERSTAND!  She was just telling me the week before how much she cared and was falling inlove with me, only to switch off a few days later.  I don't think I did anything wrong within that time to cause her to change her feelings for me.  Anyway, it's been a month and a half since the break up.  She's only reached out once to send her condolences for the death of my cousin. She said she is there for me if I needed anything.  I don't know what to do. Walk away or reach out?  Any insight would be wonderful.  Thank you!

Hey there buddy,  sorry to hear you had to go through this, it does sound like classic BPD behaviour tbh but unless she's diagnosed you don't know. Long distance doesn't help either.

If I were you I wouldn't do anything at this point. Don't reach out don't text.  Move on and if she texts you great if not keep on going.

How are you feeling yourself?

[Samuel S.]

I agree with InfernO's post. It sounds like she does have BPD, and the fact that you folks live so far apart not to see each other on a much more frequent basis, that would be rough, anyway. Also, I would suggest that while you obviously have very romantic feelings for her, it may be that a combination of BPD, the long distance, and her very mixed feelings may have played major roles for the cool down.

Under the circumstances, feeling your loss, grieving your loss, and doing things that you really enjoy in your area are very important for you to pursue.

I had a similar situation like you, but my GF only lived about 90 miles away. I saw her every weekend for about a year. Then, she told me that "we are geographically challenged". I was devastated, to say the least. I really thought we were going to get married, but she obviously did not feel the same way. It took me time to get over the loss of my GF, but I did it. Unfortunately, that is when I connected with my now BPDw.

[Cielo]

Thanks guys.  I'm dealing with the pain and confusion as best I can. I have a ton of questions to ask her, but I know she won't be able to answer them. We have the same group of friends and I see them all the time. They don't say a word to me about it.  I can only imagine what she is saying to them or what her explanation is to them as to why we aren't together anymore.  I'm afraid to ask them what happened because I feel like whatever I say will go right back to her and make me look weak and needy.  So I'm doing NC to the best of my abilities and avoiding all talk of her when I'm around that group of friends.  Very awkward to say the least.  Is this the right course?

[Cielo]

Can anyone else please assist with this craziness I'm living?

[Craydar]

Can anyone else please assist with this craziness I'm living?

Yes. I'm sorry you had to go through this. It sounds like she has some BPD traits. Had you only met her this once? Was all of your communication over the phone before that? How did you meet?  It sounds like she got a little scared from the 'I love you' she may not have felt it yet. sometimes it takes women longer to get there unless they're BPD, then all bets are off.  If you want her it may take time, but here's what you do: Think of some fond memory from your trip... .Send her a txt saying "hey I just saw an (x) and thought of you. I just wanted to say hi." Reopen communications but Do not under any circumstances talk about the relationship.  Befriend her, make her laugh. Make her want you in her life. If she does, she will say something.  When she does, just play it cool. It may take months, but take it slow and steady. And do not under any circumstances talk about what happened or about a relationship going forward.  That will kill it. If she brings it up deflect it. DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT. IF YOU DO, IT WILL BACKFIRE EVEN IF SHE SOUNDS RECEPTIVE. STAND YOUR GROUND. Just say, I prefer not to rehash all of that. I just enjoy talking to you... .and then discuss other stuff. Also go out and date some women locally.  It will build confidence. Hope this helps.

[Cielo]

So then you believe that a girl with BPD can have a successful relationship?  Even if she hasn't had any professional counseling?

[Craydar]

So then you believe that a girl with BPD can have a successful relationship?  Even if she hasn't had any professional counseling?

You don't know she has it. Unless you see several of the signs, I wouldn't assume anything.  If she does, can she have a successful relationship? Again I don't know her. Everyone is different. My UxBPDgf of 13 months has several significant issues. Even I question it sometimes. 

[Cielo]

Thanks guys.  I'm dealing with the pain and confusion as best I can. I have a ton of questions to ask her, but I know she won't be able to answer them. We have the same group of friends and I see them all the time. They don't say a word to me about it.  I can only imagine what she is saying to them or what her explanation is to them as to why we aren't together anymore.  I'm afraid to ask them what happened because I feel like whatever I say will go right back to her and make me look weak and needy.  So I'm doing NC to the best of my abilities and avoiding all talk of her when I'm around that group of friends.  Very awkward to say the least.  Is this the right course?

Ok, so I got some advice to NC further and some to reach out slowly.  Still confused.  Really miss this girl and would do anything to make it work.  Although I truly believe she has BPD (her father abused and abandoned her), I don't know for sure she has it.  Any other advice?  Any input is much appreciated. 

[Fluff]

Like what has been said. If you want to pursue her: NC until you have dated at least 3 other girls(some say 10), work on yourself, then contact her in the way mentioned above: Something reminded you of her, easy and pleasant talk, no talk about what happened and you're the one who ends the conversations.

It's hard to say if she has BPD, and I sure ain't no professional, but the fact that she wasn't all "I LOOVE YOUUUU" when you met hints me she isn't. But the label doesn't matter so much. She has a problematic background and a weird behavior. It's like, someone might display 4 of the 9 BPD criteria instead of 5. Sure, the person may not fit the BPD category, but may still be more f-ed up then someone with all 9! Maybe you will find out later if it's possible to have a relationship with her or not.

[Cielo]

Like what has been said. If you want to pursue her: NC until you have dated at least 3 other girls(some say 10), work on yourself, then contact her in the way mentioned above: Something reminded you of her, easy and pleasant talk, no talk about what happened and you're the one who ends the conversations.

It's hard to say if she has BPD, and I sure ain't no professional, but the fact that she wasn't all "I LOOVE YOUUUU" when you met hints me she isn't. But the label doesn't matter so much. She has a problematic background and a weird behavior. It's like, someone might display 4 of the 9 BPD criteria instead of 5. Sure, the person may not fit the BPD category, but may still be more f-ed up then someone with all 9! Maybe you will find out later if it's possible to have a relationship with her or not.

Thanks Fluff.  I read so much different advice from these articles and your stories, mostly bad, telling me to run away.  I don't come across many "happy endings". My heart is telling me to plow forward and my mind is running in the other direction. It's a good idea to reach out, I'm afraid I will lose power the moment I do. 

[Fluff]

That's the whole reason for dating others and improving yourself first. To lower your perceived value of her , increase your perceived value of yourself and get out of that love fog. She's on your pedestal. Knock her down. Reclaim it. Then, when you're powerful enough you can consider contacting her, to find out if she's too messed up to deal with or not. But you have to be in the right mindset, and you can't fake it.

Unless you of course already know she's not good for you, which it sounds like. You didn't present much information, but you might have a good gut feeling about her. In that case, I guess the same applies. =) NC, work on yourself, date others.

[Perdita]

People with BPD love to idealize a partner or potential partner and that's why so many of them like doing it from afar.  Sounds bizarre considering their abandonment issues, but there you have it.  I guess it feels safer to them, they can built you up in their fantasies to an extent that they can't if they see you more often.  I don't know why she freaked out when you told her you love her.  My BPDbf told me after 2 months, said it first.  Less than a month later he broke up with me from out of the blue.  We got back together later that same day, but it has been a roller coaster ride ever since.  Earlier this year he even told me he loved me and gave me flowers only to tell me the following day that he feels nothing for me. Also from out of the blue. And so it goes. 

[Cielo]

People with BPD love to idealize a partner or potential partner and that's why so many of them like doing it from afar.  Sounds bizarre considering their abandonment issues, but there you have it.  I guess it feels safer to them, they can built you up in their fantasies to an extent that they can't if they see you more often.  I don't know why she freaked out when you told her you love her.  My BPDbf told me after 2 months, said it first.  Less than a month later he broke up with me from out of the blue.  We got back together later that same day, but it has been a roller coaster ride ever since.  Earlier this year he even told me he loved me and gave me flowers only to tell me the following day that he feels nothing for me. Also from out of the blue. And so it goes. 

Thanks Perdita.  It's funny, she did say that it was "easier" to have our relationship long distance because we weren't around each other all the time.  To me, that is what made it tougher.  I'm sorry you experienced that same 180 degree change on his feelings.  I have no emotional parachute that can handle that kind of bottom falling out.  I reached out to her today because I found out she was in the hospital last week.  She did the same for me when my cousin passed two weeks ago.  She wasn't very open or appreciative.  It seems as if the door is closed on me and never to be opened again.  Is that a pwBPD quality?

[Perdita]

I have no emotional parachute that can handle that kind of bottom falling out.

I don't think anyone does.  That's part of what makes this so hard.

I reached out to her today because I found out she was in the hospital last week.  She did the same for me when my cousin passed two weeks ago.  She wasn't very open or appreciative.  It seems as if the door is closed on me and never to be opened again.  Is that a pwBPD quality?

I haven't personally experienced the door being shut to that extent (yet), but it is pretty standard behaviour from what I have read on the boards.  Usually there is already a replacement by the time they do this.  They are most likely to contact you again once things crumble with the replacement.  Recycling. 

Sorry if you've already mentioned this: how old is she?  If she is still very young it could be that she is still confused about herself and her life, as are a lot of people of a certain age.  It might not be BPD.  It could even be that she's had a bad experience in a previous romantic relationship and is now hesitant to give her heart again.  What are the things that have led you to believe that she might have BPD?

[Cielo]

I have no emotional parachute that can handle that kind of bottom falling out.

I don't think anyone does.  That's part of what makes this so hard.

I reached out to her today because I found out she was in the hospital last week.  She did the same for me when my cousin passed two weeks ago.  She wasn't very open or appreciative.  It seems as if the door is closed on me and never to be opened again.  Is that a pwBPD quality?

I haven't personally experienced the door being shut to that extent (yet), but it is pretty standard behaviour from what I have read on the boards.  Usually there is already a replacement by the time they do this.  They are most likely to contact you again once things crumble with the replacement.  Recycling. 

Sorry if you've already mentioned this: how old is she?  If she is still very young it could be that she is still confused about herself and her life, as are a lot of people of a certain age.  It might not be BPD.  It could even be that she's had a bad experience in a previous romantic relationship and is now hesitant to give her heart again.  What are the things that have led you to believe that she might have BPD?

She is in her mid30s. Moved to change things in her life.  She is not sure what she wants to do with her life yet.  As to why I believe she is BPD:

1.  She was all about me in the beginning. On the phone all day and night sometimes 3 hours at a time. Then some weeks she was distant.  Seemed to flip every other week

2.  Her father abused and abandoned her when she was younger

3.  She couldn't receive any compliments, no self esteem, but beautiful and very sexy

4.  Preferred an "ass" type bf. one who doesn't care, yet passionate  (She said this outright)

5. When we started hanging out she said she didn't want to have sex until she knew we were soul mates (had sex all week on our trip)

6.  Said she was falling in love with me only to split me black a week later and then said "she has no more feelings".

7.  Episodes of depression

I know I'm not an expert, but reading the articles and your stories I feel she has quite a few symptoms. 

[Perdita]

The thing about BPD is that they become so overwhelmed by their feelings that they push you away.  In other words, she could have realized that her feelings for you were deeper than she can handle and that is why she pushed you away.  You mentioned that she said she liked that it was long distance between you.  She probably felt safer in such a relationship.  Then you guys met up and it sounds like she really liked you, probably much more than she expected to.  For BPD people it is very hard to deal with such emotions.  Whereas you and I feel emotionally safe when we have these feelings for someone, they start to feel emotionally threatened.  That's when everything gets turned upside down. 

I know it is hard advice to take, but keep busy.  Don't sit around waiting and wondering when you will hear from her again and if she'll want you back.   Sorry that you are going through this.  Not fun at all. 

[Cielo]

The thing about BPD is that they become so overwhelmed by their feelings that they push you away.  In other words, she could have realized that her feelings for you were deeper than she can handle and that is why she pushed you away.  You mentioned that she said she liked that it was long distance between you.  She probably felt safer in such a relationship.  Then you guys met up and it sounds like she really liked you, probably much more than she expected to.  For BPD people it is very hard to deal with such emotions.  Whereas you and I feel emotionally safe when we have these feelings for someone, they start to feel emotionally threatened.  That's when everything gets turned upside down. 

I know it is hard advice to take, but keep busy.  Don't sit around waiting and wondering when you will hear from her again and if she'll want you back.   Sorry that you are going through this.  Not fun at all. 

Thank you very much Perdita.   I appreciate you taking the time to give me more insight and I will take your advice to keep busy. Trying not to stay hopeful for her phone call. 

Hope things work out for you!  Have a blessed day.

[Cielo]

What about getting closure?   Has anyone tried?  Advise against it/for it?

[Perdita]

What about getting closure?   Has anyone tried?  Advise against it/for it?

What do you mean by closure?  Reaching closure on your own or reaching out to her to get closure?  Maybe you can send her a message saying that you really cared about her and wanted to spend more time with her, but that you respect her decision to break it off.  You can ask her one last time if it is really over and if so that you wish her the best.  You will need to be brave and accept her choice should she say "yes, it's over".  I get the impression that at the moment you will feel like a cheater if you dated other women.  Am I right?  So for that reason alone it might help you to get that final confirmation to move on. 

BTW, I can't speak from personal experience in regard to closure.  The Leaving Board will be able to give you more advice on that than we can here.

[Craydar]

What about getting closure?   Has anyone tried?  Advise against it/for it?

I think getting closure is the best thing. The relationship as it stands is over. It doesn't mean that a new one can't ever happen. it just means that if you do start over, it's a clean start. In this case Cielo had some closure, she broke up with him. How many of us aside from me have experienced a walk-off with no explanation?

There is no quick fix here. No need to pay for one of those 'get your gf back now books' they are geared towards healthy people. Get the closure you need but do it in a way that doesn't weaken your position. In other words, don't start whining arguing, pleading, or crying, it only burns the bridge. If you know it's happening and you know you can't stop it, just agree and say 'Yes, I agree' smile, wish her well and walk away. If you ever want to have a chance again she needs to know you are a centered man who is not rattled by her nonsense and you are fine without her. Wait for her to contact. And of she doesn't, contact her in a few months AFTER you've had a chance to date several local women.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

People with BPD love to idealize a partner or potential partner and that's why so many of them like doing it from afar.  Sounds bizarre considering their abandonment issues, but there you have it.  I guess it feels safer to them, they can built you up in their fantasies to an extent that they can't if they see you more often.  I don't know why she freaked out when you told her you love her.  My BPDbf told me after 2 months, said it first.  Less than a month later he broke up with me from out of the blue.  We got back together later that same day, but it has been a roller coaster ride ever since.  Earlier this year he even told me he loved me and gave me flowers only to tell me the following day that he feels nothing for me. Also from out of the blue. And so it goes.  

I live about 3 hrs away from my ex.  She eventually 'leaked out' that she liked having a long distance relationship.  Why?  Because she didn't have to work hard to hide her other liaisons going on at the same time she professed that I was the one she had long been searching for.  When exposed, she related that because she was there, and i was 'here', well, you should expect such behavior.  She even asserted that other women i had been with in the the past did the same as she did!  Manipulation - One of her many BPD traits.

The fact that the girl broke up with you means she probably had a lot of guilt and was involved / is involved with someone else without your knowledge.  

[Cielo]

What about getting closure?   Has anyone tried?  Advise against it/for it?

What do you mean by closure?  Reaching closure on your own or reaching out to her to get closure?  Maybe you can send her a message saying that you really cared about her and wanted to spend more time with her, but that you respect her decision to break it off.  You can ask her one last time if it is really over and if so that you wish her the best.  You will need to be brave and accept her choice should she say "yes, it's over".  I get the impression that at the moment you will feel like a cheater if you dated other women.  Am I right?  So for that reason alone it might help you to get that final confirmation to move on. 

BTW, I can't speak from personal experience in regard to closure.  The Leaving Board will be able to give you more advice on that than we can here.

By closure, I mean some logical explanation as to how her feelings can go from Love to Depression to no feelings at all in the matter of a week.  Maybe the love feelings are still there and they can be resurfaced or maybe she never felt love at all and was "pretending".   Maybe I unknowingly did something during that week that completely turned her off (no idea what).  Just completely lost as to how I got blindsided.  Do BPD's even have the capacity to explain their irratic change on emotion?  Can an answer be found or am I wasting my time looking?

[Cielo]

What about getting closure?   Has anyone tried?  Advise against it/for it?

I think getting closure is the best thing. The relationship as it stands is over. It doesn't mean that a new one can't ever happen. it just means that if you do start over, it's a clean start. In this case Cielo had some closure, she broke up with him. How many of us aside from me have experienced a walk-off with no explanation?

There is no quick fix here. No need to pay for one of those 'get your gf back now books' they are geared towards healthy people. Get the closure you need but do it in a way that doesn't weaken your position. In other words, don't start whining arguing, pleading, or crying, it only burns the bridge. If you know it's happening and you know you can't stop it, just agree and say 'Yes, I agree' smile, wish her well and walk away. If you ever want to have a chance again she needs to know you are a centered man who is not rattled by her nonsense and you are fine without her. Wait for her to contact. And of she doesn't, contact her in a few months AFTER you've had a chance to date several local women.

OK, good advice.  Can this be done via email or should I call? I prefer an email to lay it out correctly and get my proper message across.

[Craydar]

In person. Which in your case is hard. Or phone. Only email if she won't talk to you.

[Cielo]

In person. Which in your case is hard. Or phone. Only email if she won't talk to you.

ok, thank you!