Attempt at closure - Update

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey

Thanks to all for reading my post and for some brilliant support and advice. I was in two minds as to whether or not to post a letter to my ex high fucntioning ud. I wanted closure, I wanted to say goodby, I wanted to get back some of my self worth and I wanted to live by my values of decency, compassion and respect.

I went round Friday after work and I was terrified. She was never phyiscally abusive, but emotionally she was. She scared me even before we met when we were emailing one another. It was just something I couldn't put my finger on. Her emails just had odd turns of phrase or just didn't seem "normal" Yeah I know... .

I knocked on her door. I wanted her to be in so I could hug her and tell her I did love her, i'm sorry things didnt work out and all the best. She wasn't in so I posted the letter. I looked at her house, her car, the street andI walked away. I walked over some sports fields close to her house and to a river, and as I walked away I felt glad that I had done what I did, and a lot of memories came back as to how she treated me, the cruel things she said and the complete lack of care and empathy she displayed at times. How inconsistent she was. I got in my car and drove off and I felt free and happy to be leaving.


I won't lie. I wanted her to be in and for her to tell me she loved me and it was all her fault and she was going to change, and for her to take me to bed and make me feel so loved. I wanted her to reply to my letter. I know this isn't going to happen and I know now I don't want it to happen. A real loving realtionship is one of mutual interest, trust, support, consistency, intimacy, openess and a willingness to communicate and resolve issues like adults.

I guess this is now day 3 NC. I know sI am forgotten in her mind now and that I have had a lucky escape.

I still miss her, I still think about her, but it feels so much less raw. What I did really helped me, and I got back some self worth and courage.

Thanks again to everyone who gave their advice and support. Compassion is a rare gift, we are lucky to have it to give it and to receive it.

[H Hi]

Hey

Thanks to all for reading my post and for some brilliant support and advice. I was in two minds as to whether or not to post a letter to my ex high fucntioning ud. I wanted closure, I wanted to say goodby, I wanted to get back some of my self worth and I wanted to live by my values of decency, compassion and respect.

I went round Friday after work and I was terrified. She was never phyiscally abusive, but emotionally she was. She scared me even before we met when we were emailing one another. It was just something I couldn't put my finger on. Her emails just had odd turns of phrase or just didn't seem "normal" Yeah I know... .

I knocked on her door. I wanted her to be in so I could hug her and tell her I did love her, i'm sorry things didnt work out and all the best. She wasn't in so I posted the letter. I looked at her house, her car, the street andI walked away. I walked over some sports fields close to her house and to a river, and as I walked away I felt glad that I had done what I did, and a lot of memories came back as to how she treated me, the cruel things she said and the complete lack of care and empathy she displayed at times. How inconsistent she was. I got in my car and drove off and I felt free and happy to be leaving.


I won't lie. I wanted her to be in and for her to tell me she loved me and it was all her fault and she was going to change, and for her to take me to bed and make me feel so loved. I wanted her to reply to my letter. I know this isn't going to happen and I know now I don't want it to happen. A real loving realtionship is one of mutual interest, trust, support, consistency, intimacy, openess and a willingness to communicate and resolve issues like adults.

I guess this is now day 3 NC. I know sI am forgotten in her mind now and that I have had a lucky escape.

I still miss her, I still think about her, but it feels so much less raw. What I did really helped me, and I got back some self worth and courage.

Thanks again to everyone who gave their advice and support. Compassion is a rare gift, we are lucky to have it to give it and to receive it.

[Skip]

I know I am forgotten in her mind now and that I have had a lucky escape.

I don't know if this is true.  She was there.  She was involved. 

Her going quiet or pushing things out of her mind is a defense mechanism.

She was there.

I still miss her, I still think about her, but it feels so much less raw. What I did really helped me, and I got back some self worth and courage.

120 days is an early to exit - you shouldn't bare horrible scars.

Dreams die hard.   

[H Hi]

I'm confused Skip.

Since we split up 15 days a go and after she asked to be friends and I said no, I haven't heard a thing from her so I honestly think i am out of her mind. She is high functioning and generally comes across as very very capable and very independent and tough. I only saw a few glimpses of being needy and feeling abandonment.

[Skip]

I'm confused Skip.

Since we split up 15 days a go and after she asked to be friends and I said no, I haven't heard a thing from her so I honestly think i am out of her mind. She is high functioning and generally comes across as very very capable and very independent and tough. I only saw a few glimpses of being needy and feeling abandonment.

It is more likely she is not contacting you because of pride, or anger - after all, you told her it was over - even friendship.

[H Hi]

Do you think that will mean she will contact me at some point?

It's all totally confusing

[neverloveagain]

Some do some dont. If she does its just to pull on the puppet strings and watch you dance then poof they dissapear again (in my case). You dropped your note and helped yourself say goodbye that was good keep looking forward and be strong. It hurts if you never hear of them again, believe me it hurts a whole lot more if they do show up. Take care.

[H Hi]

Thanks Neverloveagain.

I can't lie, it hurts like hell that I haven't received a reply wishing me well and for an amicable end, but then when I was with her, she never reciprocated.

It hurts to think that I'm nothing in her eyes after all the words and actions of "love". I guess it was manipulation.

Finding it really hard today. ANyone got any good tips in staying strong and moving forward?

[neverloveagain]

They have dysfunctional thinking so an amicable ending was never going to happen, its probably what lead you here   looking for the answers to the what the heck ending that follows them where ever they tread. Your not nothing you are somebody. There will of been fleeting moments of love and bery real emotions for them but only in the moments when your idealised as we know that flip flops all over the place. Hurt sucks but it shows you your still alive and very real. Mourn the loss as healthy way as possible cry, shout at the skys on top of a hill somewhere on your own let it out, exercise whatever works for you. Set some new goals and targets and go get them. New hobbies? Get out and meet some new friends. Dont get stuck for to long is what i mean that fog can come down from anywhere anytime.

[H Hi]

Thanks again neverloveagain!

Sometimes I forget that I tried to have a functional relationship with someone who is dysfucntional. Yeah I made mistakes and didn't put up enough firm boundaries, but I never had mood swings that came out of nowhere and for no reason, I didn't bite my fingers until they bled, I couldn't feel two emotions at the same time! I could talk openely and I was honest about my past and consistent.

You give great advice. I'm worried because all I do is cry or feel like crying. Everything else feels like a massive effort. It's been 3 weeks since I last saw her, and 16 days since the break up and NC. I ended it originally face to face and the she ended it by email - that again says a lot about her decency. She originally asked me to end it by text!

I want to start feeling better, but I just don't. Maybe I'm rushing it?