Family Relationships

[jeanmarie]

I am having a hard time right now, with Thanksgiving tomorrow.  My 25 yr old daughter has BPD and has struggled with alcohol, bulemia and lack of success in life, in general, for 10 years.  I am exhausted and don't know how much longer I can sustain my life the way it is.  Short version is that things escalated 3 years ago and K went thru 7 rehabs in 8 months, leaving w/o completion.  A crisis resulted in our telling her she could not come home and she agreed to a longer term rehab (90 days), which she did successfully complete.  They did a great job dealing w addiction, but thru fear and degradation and after leaving the halfway house after a 2 month stint, the BPD behaviors cropped back up worse than ever.  K was living w BF for 6 weeks upon returning home and was filled with hate for us for sending her away (even tho it was her choice) when her father had a stroke and died 8 days later.  K had a horrific relapse at that time - I cannot tell you how truly heartbreaking this was for me.  At the same time, her sister had just given birth to first child.  A year later with little contact, K reached out - at this point, alcohol had caused serious liver damage and she was a mess in general.  The last 6-7 months have been better - she got herself into an IOP for addiction, is very active in AA (multiple meetings and reltaionships w members), seeing psychologist weekly for BPD and going to support groups for bulimia.  Taking 2 college courses and I am paying for small apt while we wait and hope SSI gets approved.  Was  present for birth of sister's 2nd child, but has had no contact since.  She has expressed that she wants  to be a good daughter, sister, aunt, but is unable to do so and prays about it daily.  The problem is me.  Both daughers live 10 min away.  I feel like I split my life in 2 to see both of them while working FT and still greiving the loss of my husband.  I don't think K will show tomorrow for Thanksgiving.  I will send a group text to both girls - Happy Thanksgiving - Dinner at 5.  But, I don't know how much longer I can live like this.  It hurst all the time. I want my family together.  And I just don't know what to do.  When K does come over for family dinner - which is rare - she is distant to her niece and nephew.  What is this resentment about?  And more importantly, what can I do about it? It's killing me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NorthernGirl]

Hello jeanmarie and welcome 

I'm sorry you have been through such heartache. Having all the stress of your daughter's illness and addiction, and then losing your husband must be very difficult.    You've come to a good place.

We've dealt with addictions and relapses with one stepson, and it is heartbreaking. We have learned to not depend on him. And holidays tend to raise more emotions, so those are times he is the least reliable.

Sending a text to both daughters and letting K decide what she will do is probably the best way to handle things. Do you think you'll hear back? How is your other daughter doing with all that has gone on?

I suggest you post on the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board where you'll find others who can relate to your story. We've got great senior members who will understand your heartbreak and support you as you decide what steps you want to take. You're not alone.

Welcome again.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, jeanmarie &  I'd like to join NorthernGirl in welcoming you to this site... . 

How did your Thanksgiving go?

Did either of your daughters show up?

Was the day peaceful and happy, or ?

We'd love to have an update, and to help you where we can, jeanmarie