Five months out- 10 days NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After all the cheating, lying, manipulation, taunting, Financial destruction of me, projecting, hatefulness, double standards, hatred towards my children and family, constantly being put down, always being threatened to lose my relationship, being told I have to do more, catching her on dating sites, recycling, until finally breaking up and leaving for good because of all these things only to have her retaliate by calling child services on me numerous times in a attempt to get my children taken away from me because she knows that would hurt me the most I have finally made 10 days of NC after five months,  I always feel the need to defend myself and my character when somebody has gotten it wrong, I do not feel that need with her any more, I always wished she would get help for these things and we could stay together because she was in my life for a long time and she was very important to me but I think that is partly due to codependency, she became more important to me then I was to myself,  I feel like I let somebody down that is very important to me, I feel like somebody who was very important to me let me down, I feel hurt, I feel angry, I feel like I've failed, I feel proud that I gave somebody that has no chance at a relationship a chance, I feel like a single soldier with a bolt action rifle that took on The American, Chinese, and Russian military by myself, I feel tired, I feel I gave all I had, I feel I did not get enough in return, I feel used, I feel targeted and taken advantage of, I feel happy that it's over, I feel sad that it's over, I mourn this loss as if it were a death in the family,  I mourn the dream I had of being the one she finally settles down with, I am happy I do not have to do all this extra work any more, I am happy I no longer have two take care of her adult responsibilities as well as my own, I am happy she cannot cheat on me any more, I wish she would come back, I wish she would change, I wish she got help, I wish my dream survived, I wish I could hold her right now and make everything okay, I wish I could take all of her troubles away, I wish she would care about mine, I hope she gets help someday, I hope she remembers me if she does and wants me to do that with her, I hope for a happier future for myself, I hope for happy days for me and my children, I hope for more prosperity in my life, I hope to properly heal from this, I hope good things for her, I am happy and sad at the same time, I am confused and seeing things more clearly at the same time, but most of all I am so thankful that I can recognise all of my feelings of hope, hurt, happiness, caring, loss,gain, love, betrayal, wishes and dreams and know where they come from and put them in their proper place. They are all a Feeling stemming from a fact, not a created fact stemming from a feeling that is coming from an uncontrollable and disordered place!  I will pray for my ex because I do not think she will never have that.

[Targeted]

After all the cheating, lying, manipulation, taunting, Financial destruction of me, projecting, hatefulness, double standards, hatred towards my children and family, constantly being put down, always being threatened to lose my relationship, being told I have to do more, catching her on dating sites, recycling, until finally breaking up and leaving for good because of all these things only to have her retaliate by calling child services on me numerous times in a attempt to get my children taken away from me because she knows that would hurt me the most I have finally made 10 days of NC after five months,  I always feel the need to defend myself and my character when somebody has gotten it wrong, I do not feel that need with her any more, I always wished she would get help for these things and we could stay together because she was in my life for a long time and she was very important to me but I think that is partly due to codependency, she became more important to me then I was to myself,  I feel like I let somebody down that is very important to me, I feel like somebody who was very important to me let me down, I feel hurt, I feel angry, I feel like I've failed, I feel proud that I gave somebody that has no chance at a relationship a chance, I feel like a single soldier with a bolt action rifle that took on The American, Chinese, and Russian military by myself, I feel tired, I feel I gave all I had, I feel I did not get enough in return, I feel used, I feel targeted and taken advantage of, I feel happy that it's over, I feel sad that it's over, I mourn this loss as if it were a death in the family,  I mourn the dream I had of being the one she finally settles down with, I am happy I do not have to do all this extra work any more, I am happy I no longer have two take care of her adult responsibilities as well as my own, I am happy she cannot cheat on me any more, I wish she would come back, I wish she would change, I wish she got help, I wish my dream survived, I wish I could hold her right now and make everything okay, I wish I could take all of her troubles away, I wish she would care about mine, I hope she gets help someday, I hope she remembers me if she does and wants me to do that with her, I hope for a happier future for myself, I hope for happy days for me and my children, I hope for more prosperity in my life, I hope to properly heal from this, I hope good things for her, I am happy and sad at the same time, I am confused and seeing things more clearly at the same time, but most of all I am so thankful that I can recognise all of my feelings of hope, hurt, happiness, caring, loss,gain, love, betrayal, wishes and dreams and know where they come from and put them in their proper place. They are all a Feeling stemming from a fact, not a created fact stemming from a feeling that is coming from an uncontrollable and disordered place!  I will pray for my ex because I do not think she will never have that.

[guy4caligirl]

HI

I am 5 months out 5 years RS 6 days NC , I feel with you . It's not your fault I was in your shoes too . I don't blame myself and please don't , Nothing I can do to have her back I do not give up that easy and I am sure you don't either .

But there is a time to heal and think positive and do whatever  it takes to take good care of you so you can take care of your children .

It's the hardest I went through , I wish you contentment and peace in your life... .

Guy.

[Targeted]

I could get her right back right now if I wanted to, I could call her or text her or email her if I wanted to, I could tell her I love her and be in her bed tonight if I wanted to,  I could have the retarded porn star sex within one hour if I wanted to,  but I want love with reciprocation and understanding as well as tolerance and acceptance for imperfections because you have an anchor of trust and fidelity! I cannot have that in an hour if I wanted to!

I wish you all the best as well, I totally saw my situation in your posts!

I married my ex wife right out of high school, together 23 years, two children, and married for 17!   this BPD breakup is by far more devastating after only two and a half years!    nobody will ever know what this is like and what they go through it!