Scared

[Ayreana]

Hello,

I have been reading a lot of posts here, and it scares me that people even after so many months after the breakup are still struggling. My significant other just left last tuesday, how do I get through this?

The whole relationship I thought we were right for eachother, I accepted the fact that he has BPD. But in april 2013 was the first major break up, he left and we didn't had any contact no matter what I tried. During the time he was away, he did some nasty stuff online. But after some weeks he asked if he could come over. And I said yes, and we talked and I we got back together. Since then our relationship eroded, I was insecure, because he did stuff online with other women. I allways thought, it is me who is doing something wrong. He allways complained about toothpain etc etc. or he had stress because he couldn't find a job, and when he finally did he would complain about stress from work. Many times I suggested to seek professional help, but he declined. Therapy sessions wouldn't help and medication either.

June this year we had a major fall out with his family, and he broke off every contact with them. And I understood him, and stood by him. And at the beginning of this week, his mother called, out of the blue. And that is when I saw him completely turn away from me. He saw an escape route. The next day we had a discussion, because I felt there was something wrong, and I wanted to know what was really going on. And he confessed he wanted to go back to his mother, he missed her so much (allthough his family put him through much trouble his whol life). And within the hour he packed all of his stuff, and his mother came to pick him up.

I question everything he ever said to me, I am a total wreck and he is acting like a playboy again. Telling on Facebook that he is having a lot of women etc etc. Why is he doing that, what is the purpose of that, he knows that I am in pain, so why putting some more salt in the wounds. Can anyone explain that to me?

We have been together for 6 years this very day, so today is very hard for me. I keep replaying our relationship over and over.

Is it even possible to have a relationship with someone with BPD, if they have professional help for it?

How do I support my son (not from my BPD partner) in this?

What should I do if he contacts me again?

Please help

Ayreana

[BuildingFromScratch]

Personally I think, unless they are committed to therapy and in it for a long time, it's pretty close to impossible to make it work. I also think that many of us have been so damaged by the relationship that we wouldn't be emotionally strong enough to lift them up and not take all their stuff personally.

Recovery from these relationships varies a lot. It's taking me a very long time. It depends on how much of yourself you sacrificed, how long you were in it, how much you bought into their insanity, and how much you blamed yourself. Things have gotten a lot better for me though, and they will for you too.

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much and that it's so confusing. There are articles on the sticky part of this forum and at the top of the page under the Answers/Article Archives that I found helpful. I hope you feel better.

[Mutt]

 

Hi Ayreana,

It's confusing when your SO blames you for their actions and it's typical BPD behavior called projection. Trust is tense when he's online talking to other women. That's tough.

Another behavior when a pwBPD is dissociation and altering reality when he's under stress. He's online distorting reality on Facebook.

At the center of this disorder is the core wound if abandonment. A narcissist injury, abandonment, abandonment fears. He fears abandonment perceived or real.

I'm sorry you feel like this may take a long time to get over this and it hurts deeply. Everyone's healing is different with different recovery periods and reading about others stories may be triggering. Some the healing takes longer and some shorter. It can be very hard to feel centered right now  You can take a step back to reframe your thoughts. It really varies.

You had a long history together and you have a child. It may be hard holding it together when you're taking care of a child.

How old is your son? What support advice are you looking for? What to tell him because of how this happened? How is he coping and does he see dad?

Are you seeing a T?

[OutOfEgypt]

How do you get through it?  By realizing you have no choice.  Well, actually you do have a choice.  You can put your entire life on holds and wallow unhealthily in all of this, replaying things over and over in your head, for years.  Or you can set a goal for yourself to be free from this, learn from it, and be healthier, and you can stick to that goal no matter what, especially for your kid(s).  It will be very hard.  It will suck, but you will get there, and the end results will lead to much more peace and strength in yourself.  You will need time, a few close friends who will listen without judging, and especially a good Therapist.  I would not have been able to do it without my T.  This is not your fault.  You are not perfect -nobody is- but you did not make him act in the way that he does.

Is it possible to have a relationship with a BPD person?  I know there are people who try, but I don't know why anyone would sign up for that hell.  Granted, not every BPD is the same in degree.  But I still have to deal with my ex wife because we share children, and it is a lifelong cross I bear.  It is horrible.  It is not as bad as being with her, and I love that I am free.  But it is always an exercise in patience, emotional detachment, and being a coach/counselor for our kids.  Some professionals don't believe true BPD/NPD's can be helped.  In any case, there is not going to be any progress unless they voluntarily get help and stick with it.  :)O NOT be led astray by any temporary promises to get help.  I fell for it, too.  They need to get help for themselves because THEY see that they have a problem, not because your departure is triggering their abandonment fears.  And the terrible thing is... .you can't really tell easily if it is genuine or not.  You are better off assuming it isn't.  

They need to be alone, face themselves, face the pain of how crazy and lonely their life is, and decide to get help for themselves.  Buuuuut... .you know he won't.  You know it.  He is self-medicating already... .by fishing for attention from all these women and acting like a drama queen on Facebook.  Why does he act that way?  Because he is a terribly insecure and shame-filled person who gets along in life by using people for attention and using people as though it is their job to revolve entirely around him.  And when he feels too close or feels guilty or ashamed of himself, he will blame you for it all run and find someone else to fill the hole for a moment.  But you cannot fill a black hole.

The general rule is to suggest No Contact.  No contact is for *us*.  It is not about teaching them a lesson or anything.  You cannot teach the unteachable.  It is a matter of survival.  No contact is recommended because of how vulnerable we are to the BPD person coming back and pulling us back into the insane relationship for another go at it, only to end the same way.

Nine years ago a counselor told me, "She's borderline.  She's pathological.  She's going to keep doing this to you."  I didn't know what that meant, and as I understood it I didn't want to believe it or accept it.  But he was 100% right about her.  She did keep doing it to me... .all of it... .over and over and over.  And we broke up, and I left the relationship, and she pulled me back in... .and then did it to me again... .and again... . This is what they do.  It is their "pathology".  They will unconsciously follow the same pattern over and over again, forever.