loving her is hurting me

[Nortonio]

I have been wondering why , I can't ever seem to make her happy. We have been together for 2 years. I guess I have finally been true to myself that she is borderline. I have never been in such a roller coaster ride in my life. When she loves me I'm the best person in the world. If I respond to her in a way that doesn't fit what she has in her mind, she will make my life a living hell. Of belittling and sometimes the meanest things that have ever been said to me in my life. I started reading about this a few months ago and it seems to help me ! We just had some very rough days and I have decided to try and get some help from the madness of what I have been going through. Its nice to see that I'm not the only one. even thou at times I do feel so restricted.

thanks for listening, me

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Nortonio & 

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain, but you are in the right place to find others who are going through what you are, and who understand it... .Having to deal with the ups and downs of the kind of behavior your wife is exhibiting, is really confusing and hurtful. Those of us on this Board can certainly relate... .

Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page (and on every page of the Staying Board), and the Feature Articles linked to under the photos at the top of the listing of threads on this Board? The Lessons (to the right) and all the other information give very practical information and insights into how your wife's mind works, and what you can do to deal with your relationship with her in ways that can make things better.

Have you been reading the threads here? If so, keep reading what you can with the links and the threads, and jump in with your own thoughts and questions when it feels right. Please hang in there, Nortonio... .We're here to help, and want to know more of your story

[Mie]

I have been wondering why , I can't ever seem to make her happy. We have been together for 2 years. I guess I have finally been true to myself that she is borderline.

Good that you realize this in such an early phase of your relationship. It took me years, and all the time I thought I must be doing something wrong because I'm driving him so crazy.

[waverider]

We all start off where you are at. You have to start learning to make YOU happy. You cannot just pour everything into her to make her happy, in fact it just seems to reinforce any neediness she feels. As a result you are fueling the neediness process.

Neediness is not about having, it is about being given. It requires an action, an action has no end it is ongoing. A bit like adding water to a river it does not satisfy the water requirement of the river, it only adds to it. Eventually YOU run out of water. You run out of anything more to give.

You have value, do not give yourself away.

The first thing you will learn here is to look after you, this is the foundation step towards her learning to value you.

By the way try not to say "she is borderline", try using the phrase a person with borderline personality disorder (pwBPD). The reason for this is to separate her from the disorder, almost like it is a third identity in the RS. That way there is a chance you can be on the same side to tackle this disorder rather than being opponents.

[Treece]

Nortonio

I am new here but I wanted to say to you research as much as you can and it will really help. I understand a lot more about why my partner is how he is and how his thinking works and have found tools to help me deal with him in a different way which is helping avoid the rage and acting out. Its not easy and sometimes I still feel like I cant go on but most of the time it is improving and I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

For me the biggest thing was stopping expecting him to be reasonable fair " normal"  and to accept him with a disorder and then try to find better ways of doing things. It means you have to be the adult and lead instead of waiting for your partner to change

Also make use of the support on here it will really help

Good luck

Teresa

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