It still hurts...

[sidmoumane]

Been married almost 15 years. Last two-separated. We have three children together. He has now disappeared. I've held on this long because I  loved him. I tried not to focus too much on him. I rebuilt my life by going back to university and qualifying to teach. I am now a teacher and a single mum. That keeps me busy enough. I've looked to let go of the past, but it still hurts. He is the only person I have truly loved- even with his flaws.

I battle constantly with an inner voice that tells me I am not good enough. It's been two years since the separation. I still can't disconnect. I still feel intense pain even  though I know he is BPD with highly narcissistic tendencies. I wonder if he will ever reconnect and ask myself why I would even want that. When your own self worth becomes connected to their actions it's a sorry state of affairs. I wonder if I will ever wake up feeling happy and free again.

I can't look at happy couples without feeling pain. I cry when lyrics of songs touch my heart. I just want to be free. But I don't know how to. Sorry if this message doen't read well. Been going through a lot of emotional turmoil. Just to find the strength to write on this forum feels too much. It's been a very long time since I last posted because I so wanted to move on.

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you are hurting sidmoumane     It is really difficult going through the healing process.

I know that inner voice all too well. My self-worth was connected to my pwBPD's actions.  I looked to him to validate my self-worth and all I seemed to get back was confusion.  It was inner hell for me. I realized the only way I could fix this was to fix me.  I started thinking what makes me feel good about myself?  What makes me happy?  Then I started getting down to my own core issues and started depersonalizing his behavior.

I think it is great that you started rebuilding your life by going back to school and qualifying to teach.     That is a huge accomplishment   

Have you read the lessons on the right side?  That is a great way to start working on yourself. What can you see yourself working on first?

[Tibbles]

Recovering is a long hard process and it really hurts. It seems like 2 steps forward and 6 back at times. Keep working at it and you will find you do move on and become free. I too stop posting and then come back. I have really worked on understanding myself and that has helped the most. I've stopped (well sort of) focusing on my ex and focused on what I bought to the relationship and what I bring to all relationships in my life, my baggage that I carry. That focus has helped the most to give me peace and freedom. Hang in there x x x