Mumbly, crumbly, grumbly crap #2

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, each time he brought up the job, I would tell him that if he was going to push me to make a decision now, the decision was that I was NOT going back, but that if he gave me some time to sort through my emotions, and to think things through rationally, that my answer might be different.  Bit of a white lie, I guess, but it did the trick.

When he would turn this all on to him:  "so this is all my fault then, because I miss treated you for being nice to me.  I've been abusive to you every day that we've been together, and that's why your too weak to do this job, you're just punishing me.  Your just going to divorce me because I have abused you so badly over the past ten years." - I used sarcasm, "Yes, dear, I took that call Fri night, and made a fool of myself in front of everybody just so I could punish you."  and  "You keep bringing up the 'a' word, I haven't used it once.  Is there something you are seeing in yourself that your afraid to admit to?"  This shut him right up, and ended all conversations.

Then of course, there were the completely asinine comments that I would totally ignore, not say anything and let the stupidity of the words land on his own ears.  An example of this is: "Let's just burn the place down, then and live on the street.  We'd be better off."  or "I'll just kill myself and you can find yourself a 'real' man who will treat you right".

Of course this all took place after I used JADE to tell him how I felt in the first place - when he wasn't under the alcoholic fog.  He did what he always does, which was ignore my feelings.  This was his only roll in my down spiral, and I made sure he understood that it was the combination of both things happening at the same time, and not just his doing.  And that I wasn't blaming him, only in the sense that he was making it harder for me to get control of my emotional state.  

That was what I told him, but in my heart, Waverider is right, I did want him to support me.  The analogy of having a disabled person pushing me in a wheelchair helped me to realize that your right, no matter how much I want support, it is never going to be there.  

He verified that again last night, when he asked me what he could have done different, and replied,  "hug me, hold me close, and tell me you would protect me, and keep me safe."  If he would have done that, I could have gotten over my emotions a lot better.  After I said this, he laughed and told me I was living in a dream world, and that I would never get the sort of support from anyone.

I don't have a T, at least not right now.  I did have one a long time ago.  Something I'm going to discuss with my doc today.



This thread is a continuation of mumbly, crumbly, grumbly crap.

 

[Crumbling]

Well, each time he brought up the job, I would tell him that if he was going to push me to make a decision now, the decision was that I was NOT going back, but that if he gave me some time to sort through my emotions, and to think things through rationally, that my answer might be different.  Bit of a white lie, I guess, but it did the trick.

When he would turn this all on to him:  "so this is all my fault then, because I miss treated you for being nice to me.  I've been abusive to you every day that we've been together, and that's why your too weak to do this job, you're just punishing me.  Your just going to divorce me because I have abused you so badly over the past ten years." - I used sarcasm, "Yes, dear, I took that call Fri night, and made a fool of myself in front of everybody just so I could punish you."  and  "You keep bringing up the 'a' word, I haven't used it once.  Is there something you are seeing in yourself that your afraid to admit to?"  This shut him right up, and ended all conversations.

Then of course, there were the completely asinine comments that I would totally ignore, not say anything and let the stupidity of the words land on his own ears.  An example of this is: "Let's just burn the place down, then and live on the street.  We'd be better off."  or "I'll just kill myself and you can find yourself a 'real' man who will treat you right".

Of course this all took place after I used JADE to tell him how I felt in the first place - when he wasn't under the alcoholic fog.  He did what he always does, which was ignore my feelings.  This was his only roll in my down spiral, and I made sure he understood that it was the combination of both things happening at the same time, and not just his doing.  And that I wasn't blaming him, only in the sense that he was making it harder for me to get control of my emotional state.  

That was what I told him, but in my heart, Waverider is right, I did want him to support me.  The analogy of having a disabled person pushing me in a wheelchair helped me to realize that your right, no matter how much I want support, it is never going to be there.  

He verified that again last night, when he asked me what he could have done different, and replied,  "hug me, hold me close, and tell me you would protect me, and keep me safe."  If he would have done that, I could have gotten over my emotions a lot better.  After I said this, he laughed and told me I was living in a dream world, and that I would never get the sort of support from anyone.

I don't have a T, at least not right now.  I did have one a long time ago.  Something I'm going to discuss with my doc today.



This thread is a continuation of mumbly, crumbly, grumbly crap.

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

When he would turn this all on to him:  "so this is all my fault then, because I miss treated you for being nice to me.  I've been abusive to you every day that we've been together, and that's why your too weak to do this job, you're just punishing me.  Your just going to divorce me because I have abused you so badly over the past ten years." - I used sarcasm, "Yes, dear, I took that call Fri night, and made a fool of myself in front of everybody just so I could punish you."  and  "You keep bringing up the 'a' word, I haven't used it once.  Is there something you are seeing in yourself that your afraid to admit to?"  This shut him right up, and ended all conversations.

How could you have used SET in this situation?

I would stay away from sarcasm... that is pretty close to a fight... .

Would you want him to use sarcasm on you?

[Crumbling]

just got off the phone with work.  They are being kind enough to count today as a sick day, so I can go talk to my doc before making any 'long term' decisions.

And FF, you are right about the sarcasm being a mean blow, it was.  But frankly, I don't know how else to defend myself when he accuses me of such strange, malicious manipulation.  And maybe I don't need to defend myself, I don't know.  I just said what I said.

I'm going to go read about SET now - I don't remember what that's about.

[Crumbling]

Yea, support (too weary to give him any), empathy (none left for him) and truth.  Truth is the only thing I am capable of at this point.  I guess this technique would work if I still cared.

God, that makes me sound cruel.

[Grey Kitty]

You aren't cruel. You are exhausted.

 Accept you where you are. Some days the best you can possibly do is avoid making things 10x worse.

And that will have to do.

Keep taking care of yourself.

[Rapt Reader]

Of course this all took place after I used JADE to tell him how I felt in the first place - when he wasn't under the alcoholic fog.  He did what he always does, which was ignore my feelings.  This was his only roll in my down spiral, and I made sure he understood that it was the combination of both things happening at the same time, and not just his doing.  And that I wasn't blaming him, only in the sense that he was making it harder for me to get control of my emotional state.

You do know that we recommend not using JADE when communicating with our BPD loved ones, right?  JADE is only a tool when we remember to avoid Justfying, Arguing, Defending and Explaining ourselves and our positions when our loved ones are dysregulated about something.

Just making sure 

[Crumbling]

Ooops, that was my bad with the JADE comment.  I use, and was referring to, this technique I picked up a long time ago where you say something positively reinforcing, state your own emotions using "I"-only statements and follow it up with another positive disclaimer about the r/s.  I'm not really sure where I connected that dot with JADE, but definitely my bad!  Thanks for clarifying, RR.

I'm just back from the docs.  She's a sweetheart.  She's referring me to see a T, put me on Vit D, and gave me ammunition to use when I tell BPDh that I'm not going back to this job - which will be in less than three hours, if he comes home from work at his usual time tonight.  Often he doesn't.

[formflier]

Ooops, that was my bad with the JADE comment.  I use, and was referring to, this technique I picked up a long time ago where you say something positively reinforcing, state your own emotions using "I"-only statements and follow it up with another positive disclaimer about the r/s.  I'm not really sure where I connected that dot with JADE, but definitely my bad!  Thanks for clarifying, RR.

I'm just back from the docs.  She's a sweetheart.  She's referring me to see a T, put me on Vit D, and gave me ammunition to use when I tell BPDh that I'm not going back to this job - which will be in less than three hours, if he comes home from work at his usual time tonight.  Often he doesn't.

Very good use of your support system today... .very good! 

Team Crumbling is getting bigger... and momentum is going in the right direction.

[Crumbling]

    Thanks, FF.

Thank you 4 the    of  !

And btw, the day you gave me permission to NOT put up my Christmas decorations, you broke my dam and poof!  'Tis Christmas on the mountain once more!  It even snowed, so now it feels like the season both inside and out!  Bless you for your knowledge and sharing!

I'm feeling better, I guess it's obvious.  At least in the moment, I'm not thinking about later right now, just going to enjoy feeling okay.

[Crumbling]

Discussions over my job issue went well.  He had time to think about things throughout the day, at work, where he stays pretty steady.  He came home to a warm, lit house, with supper cooking in the oven and fresh baked cookies cooling on the counter.  I had gotten up with him yesterday morning, made his breakfast and a nice lunch for him to take with him.  I went out and warmed up the car for him.  He even had time to finish his coffee.

It was the warm, supportive, inviting, relaxing atmosphere it used to be in our home, before I committed to being away from home every day for a minimum of ten hours each, through every evening of the week except one.  My hours were such that he came home to an empty, cold, unlit house every night.  I couldn't wake up with him at five am when only got home at 11pm, at the earliest, and because I'd leave home in the daylight, I'd keep forgetting to leave a light on for him, coming home in the dark.  Where we live, this makes a big difference.  The only lights around are the ones in the sky. 

This decision benefits him as well, and luckily, he sees that.  He understood why I wasn't going back.  I think a secret part of him is glad.  I'm sure the repercussions will come later, the negative response.  But for now, things are back to normal in our home.

[formflier]

 

Crumbling,

I'm also in the midst of a job search. 

My advice... is to still set aside time in the day for "work"... and then work at getting another job.

Also... .if you are not sure if you are looking for a job or career... then sit aside time to think about that as well.

Glad things are looking up for you... .and I think it is a wise move on the job... .and to think about the schedule.

Making your r/s a priority... .is a good thing.