Six months down the line and I finally did it

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't been posting on here for about a month now, I wouldn't say I was getting much better, actually in a way I was still as sad as before I just got used to her treating me like I never meant anything to her. Somehow this wasn't so bad as what I feel now.

We just had a company christmas party and as an idiot I tried to talk to her while outside. Of course I should have learned by now that talking to her is futile.

I guess my brain got tired of dealing with BPD issues and for that reason I stopped thinking about her having this illness.

Again I tried to tell her that I know a lot more then what she gives me credit for.

I told her that she can't accept that I loved the real her because she cannot love herself. So again she did the same old hide away and try to avoid any type of confrontation.

Once again I got burned by trying to tell her how much she meant to me.

I know it wasn't the best thing to do, but after all this time somehow I still missed her and wanted her back, at the same time knew it couldn't work. I just wanted her in my life so much I cannot explain.

Maybe it was a stupid thing to do, but after our talk and her basically giving me bull___ reasons and answers again, I deleted her off FB.

And now I feel like I just ripped out my broken heart and tore it a new one.

Now this thought haunts me and while I wanted to get her out of my mind, it was also my biggest fear.

It feels like it was a pretty stupid thing to do since I work with her and will eventually run into her.

Hopefully this feeling will also fade away, as now I am hurting bad. I can actually feel my body jittering wracked with nervous pain.

Thank you for letting me write this down, hopefully I will get back up and work towards a better tomorrow.

I wish everyone a Blessed Holiday Season!

[shellbent]

I haven't been posting on here for about a month now, I wouldn't say I was getting much better, actually in a way I was still as sad as before I just got used to her treating me like I never meant anything to her. Somehow this wasn't so bad as what I feel now.

We just had a company christmas party and as an idiot I tried to talk to her while outside. Of course I should have learned by now that talking to her is futile.

I guess my brain got tired of dealing with BPD issues and for that reason I stopped thinking about her having this illness.

Again I tried to tell her that I know a lot more then what she gives me credit for.

I told her that she can't accept that I loved the real her because she cannot love herself. So again she did the same old hide away and try to avoid any type of confrontation.

Once again I got burned by trying to tell her how much she meant to me.

I know it wasn't the best thing to do, but after all this time somehow I still missed her and wanted her back, at the same time knew it couldn't work. I just wanted her in my life so much I cannot explain.

Maybe it was a stupid thing to do, but after our talk and her basically giving me bull___ reasons and answers again, I deleted her off FB.

And now I feel like I just ripped out my broken heart and tore it a new one.

Now this thought haunts me and while I wanted to get her out of my mind, it was also my biggest fear.

It feels like it was a pretty stupid thing to do since I work with her and will eventually run into her.

Hopefully this feeling will also fade away, as now I am hurting bad. I can actually feel my body jittering wracked with nervous pain.

Thank you for letting me write this down, hopefully I will get back up and work towards a better tomorrow.

I wish everyone a Blessed Holiday Season!

[Pingo]

Deleting her off fb wasn't a stupid thing Shellbent.  It's like ripping the bandaid off, you have to do it quick and sudden!  It's a decision to focus on your healing and mental wellness!  I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling.  It is so difficult.  You are going through a 'shattering' phase, hang in there, this feeling of nervous pain WILL fade.  Just take it day by day.  The holidays can trigger all kinds of stuff so stay strong, this too will pass.