BPD Ex wife

[sw007]

I am going through a divorse with a BPD sufferer and am looking for some stratagies to try to speed up the process and deal with her entittlement issues, and ensure my 3 young girls are looked after properly.

[livednlearned]

Are you still living with her? What ages are the girls? Is your wife diagnosed with BPD?

One book that you'll see recommended here a lot is Bill Eddy's Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse. You can download a copy to your computer from Amazon if you want it right away. There are also some good articles on Eddy's site: www.highconflictinstitute.com.

These aren't easy divorces, but I found that being prepared went a long way. You also have to pace yourself. Often, the right thing doesn't happen at first, but document document document everything you can. My ex and I started with 60/40 with me having primary physical custody, and shared joint legal custody. Two years later I had full custody, and a year after that the court terminated visitation. All I had to do was document my ex's behavior. It cost me, but it was worth every penny.

[maxen]

her entittlement issues

yes, these can be maddening.

are you doing this through mediation or through lawyers?

[trappeddad]

keep costs down by keeping "experts" out of the case.    my BPD ex manipulated the experts, setting me back

[Forestaken]

Mine dragged it out too.  In her mind, any engagement, even negative, is engagement.

My T gave me the best advice: Judges have heard all before.  It's only about the finances and kids.

[livednlearned]

keep costs down by keeping "experts" out of the case.    my BPD ex manipulated the experts, setting me back

That is an unfortunate possibility, and it's true that anytime you involve someone in your case it can go either way.

In my case, I picked all of the professionals and researched everything I could so I understood how things worked. When the Ls recommended a parenting coordinator, I panicked because I thought N/BPDx would charm the pants off an "outsider."

The opposite happened. Having a trained professional helped me share the burden of dealing with someone so high conflict, and her testimony made the court sit up and pay attention, and eventually I got full custody.

[ForeverDad]

Keep the case on track and moving along.  My ex had a very favorable temporary order and so it was to her advantage to delay, seek continuances, be non-responsive, etc.  Despite my efforts she still managed to make the divorce process take almost 2 years.  If I was passive and not proactive, if I didn't try to keep it on track, it would have taken longer and it would have ended worse.

If, in the hearing for your initial temporary order, you lawyer turns and tell you, "Keep quiet, yes it is bad but we'll fix it later" then worry.  Temp orders have a nasty habit of morphing virtually unchanged into final decrees.  The reason is that the court could conclude that if it has been working during the divorce process, then surely it must be okay for the future.  For that reason try very hard to get the best order you can from the very beginning in the temp order.  I recall in my divorce case my ex blocked my access to our son's child therapy records for over a year and court wasn't very concerned.  Also, she she made multiple 'unsubstantiated' allegations against me, court ignored them since CPS and the other agencies dismissed the claims or closed those cases.  She even raged at the pediatrician's staff and they "withdrew services".  Even the custody evaluator's report which included in the summary "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can... .Mother should immediately lose temporary custody" did not get any action except to move on to the next step of the divorce process.

Be proactive, a problem-solver.  Focus on the needs of the children - your parenting versus ex's parenting - and less about attacks on the ex.  (The professionals seem to ignore much of the poor adult behaviors but pay more attention to the poor parenting behaviors.)  It might not seem to make much of a difference to the court and other professionals but eventually (for many) you'll be seen as the more capable parent.  And as ex continues making wild allegations and also complaints that don't matter, she will gradually lose some of her default credibility.