Need Feedback

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello Everyone.

I would like some feedback on what I did and how this all played out.I am wondering if I did the right thing or the wrong thing.I want to share what happened and what I found out.

Last Saturday she came over crying after being gone for 2 weeks.She said she was in love with me and wanted to go to councling and move back home because she loves it here.I made her something to eat and we talked.

She seemed for real and I kept my guard up the whole time.She then decided to sleep over and I did not have sex with her.I told her I just want to cuddle.

We woke up Sunday and she told me she was going home to pack somethings,clean and talk to daughter about coming back home.She then asked if she could have $300.00.This did not sit well with me and I ended up giving her the money.She left at 12 noon.

Here is where it get's tricky... .

At 2 PM I was on my home from running errands and decided to stop by her apt.I texted her and said,Hi Honey what are you doing.She said I am home cleaning,getting things ready and my daughter is doing her hair.

At that moment I died.I was in her driveway and she was not there.I said honey I am at your place.She texted and said What the heck is this one of your sick games Mike.I said no honey I stopped by to see you.

Her Reply-- See Mike you don't care.Everytime I think you love me and care I get hurt by you.You don't love me.

Next Reply-- Well whatever Mike.I don't Lie.It was nice to get along with you for 10 minutes and cuddle.Good Bye Mike you are sick


So I knocked on the door and her 2 friends answered.I said were is (name).They said she has not been here all day and her daughter has not been here all day.

At that point they invited me in.They were nice people to open there door for them.I talked to them and this ''game'' she was playing on me and them surfaced.

I showed them texts of her bad mouthing them and playing them.They showed me text of her bad mouthing me.As we talked they said she is ''nuts'' and has been acting very strange.

They came to the conclusion she is ''gaming'' and ''lieing'' to them and me.She was exposed.

Later that night they threw her out and told her she had to go because they have grand children there and don't want this ''crazy'' stuff anymore.

My ex's operation of me and them was over and exposed.She was using them and me trying to establish something else or someone else behind are backs.She was playing and conning them too.

In the end she was forced to do something she hated.She had to leave that Sunday Night.She had to move to another town and live with her sister.The daughter was yanked out of her Senior year and will not be able to graduate.She is 40 miles from her work one way and the place she is at is close small quarters.I am to blame for all of this.

She has blamed me for everything 100%.Even the daughter being yanked out of graduating,i was blamed.She went out and called police on me and put an OOP on me.

She is now on a trail to destroy me for exposing her lies,cons,manipulation,leading me on,taking money from me,and her own betrayal of myself and her 2 friends.

Did I do the right thing here.?... .This all started when I asked her ''why are you lying to me'' and ''I stopped over''

Since then all hell has broke loose.Forgot to add.She texted me and said ''you destroyed my whole life and that was your plan all along''

That hurt me so deep and still rings in my ear everyday.

[NYMike]

Hello Everyone.

I would like some feedback on what I did and how this all played out.I am wondering if I did the right thing or the wrong thing.I want to share what happened and what I found out.

Last Saturday she came over crying after being gone for 2 weeks.She said she was in love with me and wanted to go to councling and move back home because she loves it here.I made her something to eat and we talked.

She seemed for real and I kept my guard up the whole time.She then decided to sleep over and I did not have sex with her.I told her I just want to cuddle.

We woke up Sunday and she told me she was going home to pack somethings,clean and talk to daughter about coming back home.She then asked if she could have $300.00.This did not sit well with me and I ended up giving her the money.She left at 12 noon.

Here is where it get's tricky... .

At 2 PM I was on my home from running errands and decided to stop by her apt.I texted her and said,Hi Honey what are you doing.She said I am home cleaning,getting things ready and my daughter is doing her hair.

At that moment I died.I was in her driveway and she was not there.I said honey I am at your place.She texted and said What the heck is this one of your sick games Mike.I said no honey I stopped by to see you.

Her Reply-- See Mike you don't care.Everytime I think you love me and care I get hurt by you.You don't love me.

Next Reply-- Well whatever Mike.I don't Lie.It was nice to get along with you for 10 minutes and cuddle.Good Bye Mike you are sick


So I knocked on the door and her 2 friends answered.I said were is (name).They said she has not been here all day and her daughter has not been here all day.

At that point they invited me in.They were nice people to open there door for them.I talked to them and this ''game'' she was playing on me and them surfaced.

I showed them texts of her bad mouthing them and playing them.They showed me text of her bad mouthing me.As we talked they said she is ''nuts'' and has been acting very strange.

They came to the conclusion she is ''gaming'' and ''lieing'' to them and me.She was exposed.

Later that night they threw her out and told her she had to go because they have grand children there and don't want this ''crazy'' stuff anymore.

My ex's operation of me and them was over and exposed.She was using them and me trying to establish something else or someone else behind are backs.She was playing and conning them too.

In the end she was forced to do something she hated.She had to leave that Sunday Night.She had to move to another town and live with her sister.The daughter was yanked out of her Senior year and will not be able to graduate.She is 40 miles from her work one way and the place she is at is close small quarters.I am to blame for all of this.

She has blamed me for everything 100%.Even the daughter being yanked out of graduating,i was blamed.She went out and called police on me and put an OOP on me.

She is now on a trail to destroy me for exposing her lies,cons,manipulation,leading me on,taking money from me,and her own betrayal of myself and her 2 friends.

Did I do the right thing here.?... .This all started when I asked her ''why are you lying to me'' and ''I stopped over''

Since then all hell has broke loose.Forgot to add.She texted me and said ''you destroyed my whole life and that was your plan all along''

That hurt me so deep and still rings in my ear everyday.

[going places]

My feedback.


Never ever talk to her again.

Do not try to "prove" you are right / innocent. It will always bite you in the arce.

Just walk away. Block her, never talk to her again.

She has a child involved in all this madness and that is the saddest part in all of this.

That poor kid.

You 'got her back for lying'. They threw her out.

Revenge has been served.

NOW, you need to stop.

Focus on YOU and YOU only... .getting healthy, learning to forgive and put it behind you, be that strong person you are.

Purge everything about her from your life.

Move on.

Never look back, this day forward and move on.

[Caredverymuch]

Hello Everyone.

I would like some feedback on what I did and how this all played out.I am wondering if I did the right thing or the wrong thing.I want to share what happened and what I found out.

Last Saturday she came over crying after being gone for 2 weeks.She said she was in love with me and wanted to go to councling and move back home because she loves it here.I made her something to eat and we talked.

She seemed for real and I kept my guard up the whole time.She then decided to sleep over and I did not have sex with her.I told her I just want to cuddle.

We woke up Sunday and she told me she was going home to pack somethings,clean and talk to daughter about coming back home.She then asked if she could have $300.00.This did not sit well with me and I ended up giving her the money.She left at 12 noon.

Here is where it get's tricky... .

At 2 PM I was on my home from running errands and decided to stop by her apt.I texted her and said,Hi Honey what are you doing.She said I am home cleaning,getting things ready and my daughter is doing her hair.

At that moment I died.I was in her driveway and she was not there.I said honey I am at your place.She texted and said What the heck is this one of your sick games Mike.I said no honey I stopped by to see you.

Her Reply-- See Mike you don't care.Everytime I think you love me and care I get hurt by you.You don't love me.

Next Reply-- Well whatever Mike.I don't Lie.It was nice to get along with you for 10 minutes and cuddle.Good Bye Mike you are sick


So I knocked on the door and her 2 friends answered.I said were is (name).They said she has not been here all day and her daughter has not been here all day.

At that point they invited me in.They were nice people to open there door for them.I talked to them and this ''game'' she was playing on me and them surfaced.

I showed them texts of her bad mouthing them and playing them.They showed me text of her bad mouthing me.As we talked they said she is ''nuts'' and has been acting very strange.

They came to the conclusion she is ''gaming'' and ''lieing'' to them and me.She was exposed.

Later that night they threw her out and told her she had to go because they have grand children there and don't want this ''crazy'' stuff anymore.

My ex's operation of me and them was over and exposed.She was using them and me trying to establish something else or someone else behind are backs.She was playing and conning them too.

In the end she was forced to do something she hated.She had to leave that Sunday Night.She had to move to another town and live with her sister.The daughter was yanked out of her Senior year and will not be able to graduate.She is 40 miles from her work one way and the place she is at is close small quarters.I am to blame for all of this.

She has blamed me for everything 100%.Even the daughter being yanked out of graduating,i was blamed.She went out and called police on me and put an OOP on me.

She is now on a trail to destroy me for exposing her lies,cons,manipulation,leading me on,taking money from me,and her own betrayal of myself and her 2 friends.

Did I do the right thing here.?... .This all started when I asked her ''why are you lying to me'' and ''I stopped over''

Since then all hell has broke loose.Forgot to add.She texted me and said ''you destroyed my whole life and that was your plan all along''

That hurt me so deep and still rings in my ear everyday.

Hi Mike,

Your ex is projecting big time.  Picture her saying those same comments while looking in the mirror at herself.

Sounds like you are on the brink of a distortion campaign as well.

Many of us on this board are rescuers.  You can rescue a pBPD from borderline behaviors and maladaptive coping.  They are deeply ingrained.

Feedback from many having gone through this experience is NC.  Time to heal and rescue yourself.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Last Saturday she came over crying after being gone for 2 weeks.She said she was in love with me and wanted to go to councling and move back home because she loves it here.I made her something to eat and we talked.

She seemed for real and I kept my guard up the whole time.She then decided to sleep over and I did not have sex with her.I told her I just want to cuddle.

She came to you for soothing and some money.  The next day you discovered you were most likely the victim of a triangulation, felt used and exacted a clinical revenge.  This is very understandable.

As going places has said - you need to stop. Focus on yourself.  You cannot help her.  These people are lost.  It really is a serious disorder. They are suffering people. Don't mess with them.  Leave them alone and concentrate on yourself.  Look within, turn away and move on.  

[NYMike]

Last Saturday she came over crying after being gone for 2 weeks.She said she was in love with me and wanted to go to councling and move back home because she loves it here.I made her something to eat and we talked.

She seemed for real and I kept my guard up the whole time.She then decided to sleep over and I did not have sex with her.I told her I just want to cuddle.

She came to you for soothing and some money.  The next day you discovered you were most likely the victim of a triangulation, felt used and exacted a clinical revenge.  This is very understandable.

As going places has said - you need to stop. Focus on yourself.  You cannot help her.  These people are lost.  It really is a serious disorder. They are suffering people. Don't mess with them.  Leave them alone and concentrate on yourself.  Look within, turn away and move on.  

WOW that's it.!... .She was doing the Triangulation with me and her 2 friends and maybe others for all we no.

[fromheeltoheal]

This one's a no-brainer Mike.  At the very least friendship is based on mutual trust and respect, you clearly can't trust her and does she show you respect?  I say no.  But the larger issue is if you were reading your post, if it was written by someone else, there would be no question in your mind what the right thing to do would be, but it's new and you're still caught up in it so you can't see what's really going on; it's called the fog around here, and it takes a while to clear.

The very best thing, the only thing, you can do really is fling yourself away from that, the way you would an electrical wire if you were being electrocuted, and then do whatever you need to do to stay away.  Getting really fcking pissed works well, if you can find some anger, which would be totally appropriate.  Time to focus on nothing but what's best for you man.

[Targeted]

I think the only thing you could have done differently was not let her in that night or give her money and plan to get back together without her doing some work on herself in therapy first!

I know how hard the temptation is just to be with them because I recycled enough times that mine got mad enough to repeatedly call child services on me in the end, these were not our children they were mine and she know what would hurt me the most so she tried to get them taken away from me! I do not think you did anything wrong after the evening she gave you in stopping by her place to see her, you catching her in a lie is her fault, how could that be your fault? If she had to lie about her whereabouts then she obviously knew she was doing something wrong, not you. You asking her why she was lying about being home is completely justified. Any normal person would ask that question, heck, even a person with BPD would ask that question. She had to lie about where she was, I believe she knows that where she really was is going to upset you and you are eventually going to find out and because she is The one doing something wrong she is going to have to answer to her own actions and accept the consequences of them.  This is not something they are capable of doing, what they are capable of doing it is projection, I think she projected the lying about where she was as well as what she was really doing on to you as if you were the one committing the acts that she was doing and now this is her reality.  Now that you have done something wrong she has to be mad at you for it and you have to pay the consequences, out of the bag of tricks comes impulsivity! A normal person would be mad and probably have a heated argument and maybe some unkind words if the situation was that bad A normal person would not just run out and get a PO. A disregulated person with lack of impulse control would, I do believe you mentioned in one of your other posts about hateful texts going back and forth between the both of you after this and I don't remember exactly but I think you mentioned you said something on the lines of you will get her back or she will pay for this?  I am not saying that is not a normal reaction on your part to the pain you were feeling at the time but I think due to the fact that a pwBPD's feelings being magnified hundreds of times more than normal she took that as hundreds of times more threatening than it was and with lack of impulse control got the PO.

[NYMike]

This one's a no-brainer Mike.  At the very least friendship is based on mutual trust and respect, you clearly can't trust her and does she show you respect?  I say no.  But the larger issue is if you were reading your post, if it was written by someone else, there would be no question in your mind what the right thing to do would be, but it's new and you're still caught up in it so you can't see what's really going on; it's called the fog around here, and it takes a while to clear.

The very best thing, the only thing, you can do really is fling yourself away from that, the way you would an electrical wire if you were being electrocuted, and then do whatever you need to do to stay away.  Getting really fcking pissed works well, if you can find some anger, which would be totally appropriate.  Time to focus on nothing but what's best for you man.

I was thinking about what you said about ''anger''.

I thought about this.If this was a ''man friend'' that did this I would prolly be chasing him down and pissed.I would prolly punch him in the teeth and be very very angry.

Why because it is ''her'' I am not feeling this anger yet.I am making excuses for her and I am still in the FOG.

Isn't it ''caring'' and ''loving her'' what got me in trouble with her in the first place.?

So you are right.F----K HER.

All my buddies that are not emotionally vested with her say she is a first class POS for the way she wronged you and did you dirty.

So they tell,no more Mr Nice Guy with her Mike.You have done enough and lost enough to this Con Woman.You need to get angry and stay pissed off for a while for what she manipulated out of you.

Does this make sence.?

[Leaving]

Hello Everyone.

I would like some feedback on what I did and how this all played out.I am wondering if I did the right thing or the wrong thing.I want to share what happened and what I found out.

Last Saturday she came over crying after being gone for 2 weeks.She said she was in love with me and wanted to go to councling and move back home because she loves it here.I made her something to eat and we talked.

She seemed for real and I kept my guard up the whole time.She then decided to sleep over and I did not have sex with her.I told her I just want to cuddle.

We woke up Sunday and she told me she was going home to pack somethings,clean and talk to daughter about coming back home.She then asked if she could have $300.00.This did not sit well with me and I ended up giving her the money.She left at 12 noon.

Here is where it get's tricky... .

At 2 PM I was on my home from running errands and decided to stop by her apt.I texted her and said,Hi Honey what are you doing.She said I am home cleaning,getting things ready and my daughter is doing her hair.

At that moment I died.I was in her driveway and she was not there.I said honey I am at your place.She texted and said What the heck is this one of your sick games Mike.I said no honey I stopped by to see you.

Her Reply-- See Mike you don't care.Everytime I think you love me and care I get hurt by you.You don't love me.

Next Reply-- Well whatever Mike.I don't Lie.It was nice to get along with you for 10 minutes and cuddle.Good Bye Mike you are sick


So I knocked on the door and her 2 friends answered.I said were is (name).They said she has not been here all day and her daughter has not been here all day.

At that point they invited me in.They were nice people to open there door for them.I talked to them and this ''game'' she was playing on me and them surfaced.

I showed them texts of her bad mouthing them and playing them.They showed me text of her bad mouthing me.As we talked they said she is ''nuts'' and has been acting very strange.

They came to the conclusion she is ''gaming'' and ''lieing'' to them and me.She was exposed.

Later that night they threw her out and told her she had to go because they have grand children there and don't want this ''crazy'' stuff anymore.

My ex's operation of me and them was over and exposed.She was using them and me trying to establish something else or someone else behind are backs.She was playing and conning them too.

In the end she was forced to do something she hated.She had to leave that Sunday Night.She had to move to another town and live with her sister.The daughter was yanked out of her Senior year and will not be able to graduate.She is 40 miles from her work one way and the place she is at is close small quarters.I am to blame for all of this.

She has blamed me for everything 100%.Even the daughter being yanked out of graduating,i was blamed.She went out and called police on me and put an OOP on me.

She is now on a trail to destroy me for exposing her lies,cons,manipulation,leading me on,taking money from me,and her own betrayal of myself and her 2 friends.

Did I do the right thing here.?... .This all started when I asked her ''why are you lying to me'' and ''I stopped over''

Since then all hell has broke loose.Forgot to add.She texted me and said ''you destroyed my whole life and that was your plan all along''

That hurt me so deep and still rings in my ear everyday.

Mike, Ditto to what GoingPlaces wrote.  I wouldn't waste anymore time trying to understand what she did or why other than to reap enough wisdom from the experience to prevent it from happening with someone else in the future.  No contact is absolutely necessary or you will get sucked right back into her web.  Your ex sounds like my N mother who has borderline.  My mother behaved the same way and she would play the pity card and lure men into providing 'love' and money that would make her so high for a day or two.  She would take me on a spending spree and spend every penny and then we would be broke again and she would fall into her depression until she could find the next fix.  There was always someone out there to rescue her. 

Sometimes I feel as though my BPD husband charms me into engaging with him just so he can pour gasoline on me and ignite me because he gets high from that intense drama.  I do believe that most borderlines have an addictive personality and in my husband's case, his addictions range from work/attention from work, erratic spending, exercise, anger/intense ugly drama, food- especially sugar.  When he isn't working or getting enough sugar, he is most abusive toward me.  He's been on vacation for a couple of days and yesterday his withdrawals began and he tried to bait me into altercations.  He yelled that he was bored and needed to go somewhere and that he can't just stay home and do nothing.  Nothing?  Any other day of the year he would be complaining that he never gets a day off to do nothing. He even told his therapist that he never gets a day off because heworks so much because he can't stand being home with me because I'm so abusive.

Anyway,  He had to get some light bulbs and yelled that he was going to radio shack for bulbs.  huh? RS?  who buys bulbs at RS- especially when we live almost next door to Walgreens?   I knew he was in dopamine detox and about to spend money on something truly bizarre and unnecessary at RS.  I calmly said, ' Are you trying to tell me that you need something from RS because they don't sell light bulbs?" and he had this strange blank look on his face and mumbled something in an angry tone.  He left to go to Walgreens and I knew he would buy something really bizarre there as well and I was right.  He came home without the light bulbs but had a giant 4 foot box of cookies and had already ripped it open in  a fury and devoured an entire quarter of the box before he got home.  He got his high from the sugar- it lights up his dopamine receptors. He was so high and kept telling me in a hyper manic state that the cookies were excellent and would go with my tea.  He must have said that 20 times. The problem is that the more sugar he consumes, the more he needs and after all these years of this, he's so addicted now that the roller coaster ride is too fast and too intense for me to handle on any level.  He binges with many things to get that high intensity and everything has the same effect as the sugar.  The more he does, the more he needs and the more frequent his highs and lows are.   

Get off the roller coaster now by going NO CONTACT.

Merry Christmas   

[fromheeltoheal]

So they tell,no more Mr Nice Guy with her Mike.You have done enough and lost enough to this Con Woman.You need to get angry and stay pissed off for a while for what she manipulated out of you.

Does this make sence.?

It makes total sense; your friends are saying the same thing I did, and you should listen to them.  Anger is your friend right now, and you can use it to break free.

[NYMike]

So they tell,no more Mr Nice Guy with her Mike.You have done enough and lost enough to this Con Woman.You need to get angry and stay pissed off for a while for what she manipulated out of you.

Does this make sence.?

It makes total sense; your friends are saying the same thing I did, and you should listen to them.  Anger is your friend right now, and you can use it to break free.

At this point my head is in a FOG and I am leaning on friends,family,T and this forum.

Why is ''anger'' my friend right now.?.I am not grasping it to much here because I am in the FOG and still Emotionally on this crazy train in my head.

I am thinking the anger is possibly to keep her away.?...

[fromheeltoheal]

Why is ''anger'' my friend right now.?.I am not grasping it to much here because I am in the FOG and still Emotionally on this crazy train in my head.

I am thinking the anger is possibly to keep her away.?...

Anger is your friend because you're on the crazy train in your head.  These relationships can feel like an addiction, you're compelled to do things you wouldn't normally and shouldn't do because you're caught up in it.  Anger can break that.  One thing that worked for me was to make a list of all of the unacceptable, abusive, disrespectful things she pulled during the relationship, and the list grew as the fog cleared, and then I'd read it as many times as I needed to when the cravings started coming up, those totally irrational cravings for someone who was clearly nothing but pain for me.

Anger isn't the only way to cut the cord, but it works, and your friends and I recommend it.  What's the first item on the list?  What's the second one?

[TheDude]

Hey Mike,

It's okay if you're struggling to corral any one emotion right now. We've all been where you're at, and it's as if every possible emotion has been amplified x10 and thrown in a blender. The chaos in your head will balance itself out to a workable level if you can create and enforce your own boundary of never engaging her in any way ever again. Just remember that anger can be the conduit for reminding you of why she's toxic, but it can also give you false justification for engaging her again, too. Fortress walls up, man!   

[Caredverymuch]

So they tell,no more Mr Nice Guy with her Mike.You have done enough and lost enough to this Con Woman.You need to get angry and stay pissed off for a while for what she manipulated out of you.

Does this make sence.?

It makes total sense; your friends are saying the same thing I did, and you should listen to them.  Anger is your friend right now, and you can use it to break free.

At this point my head is in a FOG and I am leaning on friends,family,T and this forum.

Why is ''anger'' my friend right now.?.I am not grasping it to much here because I am in the FOG and still Emotionally on this crazy train in my head.

I am thinking the anger is possibly to keep her away.?...

Use your anger to propel you forward.  Use it constructively. For you to begin to detach.