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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Survived?

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« on: December 24, 2014, 11:56:40 AM »

Need advice and support. 

I am one year separated from 16 year marriage to diagnosed BPD.   A 16 year nightmare and bottomless pit that I am still trying myself to recover and overcome. 

This post, however is regarding my children.   My BPD brought two step children now SD27 and SD23, and I also had my own S27.  They all have substantial problems now, anxiety, depression, self-esteem.  I actually believe my eldest SD27, history of cutting suicides and inability to hold relationship, is also BPD.  Together BPD and I had a fourth child D13 together. 

During one year separation I have liberal visitation of D13 – and is has been nightmare to say the least.  Lawyers say it is lost cause to fight for custody.   BPD almost immediately hooked next man and about 6 months ago began the alienation.  It is almost complete now.   D13 and I were inseparable all of her life. Now she is being torn away, angry and doesn’t want to see me.  I can see and feel the pain in her eyes and soul – she has to do what mom wants and needs – even if this means hurting the father she loves. 

How does a parent cope with this insidiousness?  How can a parent help their child in this situation?  Even if I could win a battle in court it would only harm daughter more.  She is controlled and wants/needs to be with BPD mother – D13 has already told me she is afraid BPD mom doesn’t care and will abandon her. She is controlled by BPD mom via insecurity, fear and shame.  I cannot tear D13 away from what she thinks she wants.   

Anyone with similar experiences – please share your thoughts/advice.   

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ForeverDad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2014, 01:49:55 PM »

Richard Warshak has several options available on his website.  Divorce Poison is his inexpensive book.  Welcome Back Pluto is his DVD to view with the children, also inexpensive.  Family Bridges is his intensive counseling sessions (structured as a retreat or vacation) with the children and alienated parent, generally should be with a court order but note that they won't do it if the alienating parent is obligated to pay any portion.
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CBoo

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« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2014, 05:42:02 PM »

Hi

I am so sorry to hear this.

I am the adult child of uBPD Dad. The single most important thing my mum did was ease off pressure for contact with me directly and make sure I knew the door was open. Fight for the contact you can get and then make space for the kids to come to you. My stable parental influences have kept me going!

Oh - and the anxieties they have. I needed professional help with mine. I had almost convinced myself that I had BPD too, but it was trauma that needed to be processed.

Good luck! X
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Kwamina
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« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2014, 11:26:49 PM »

Hi Survived?

I was raised by an uBPD mother. In general what I would like to have heard from any other close family-member would be things like:

- No matter what kind of hurtful things your mother says about you, it isn't true. There's nothing wrong with you and you are a good person.

- You might be hearing a lot of bad things about me from your mother. However, no matter what she says please know that I do love you and always will.

- It isn't your fault that your mother treats you the way she does. She in her mind might be doing the best she can, but she just might not know how to be a better mother. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love you though, just that she doesn't know how to properly express her love for you.


Simple statements, but if you would succeed in getting this imprinted into your children's minds, you and they will benefit from it for years to come.
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
clljhns
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« Reply #4 on: December 25, 2014, 07:13:03 AM »

Hi Survived?,

I am so sorry to hear you are in this difficult and painful situation with your daughter. I agree with Kwamina, give your daughter positive statements and don't engage in demeaning her mom. When I divorced my daughter's father (she was 18 months when we separated), I made a conscious decision to not say anything unkind about her father. On the other hand, her father and his family continually said terrible things about me to her. They even told her kindergarten teacher that I was a high school drop-out, drug addict, and prostitute. Trust me that I wanted to tell my daughter the truth about her father and his family, but instead, they did the work for me. She saw who they really were and has never forgotten the terrible things they said about me. She did have contact for a short time with her aunt, but when she opened the conversation with her about what was said about me, her aunt glossed over it and told her that it was such a long time ago and that she should just let it go. Not the response she was hoping for. This resulted in her telling her aunt that until she was willing to admit her role in all of this, she didn't want any contact with her. She has had very limited contact with her father's family since she was 13, and none since she was 22. She even confronted her father with all that was said and done, and he also denies, or glosses over it.

I tell you this to help you understand how powerful it is to not demean or criticize your daughter's mom. Your daughter, in time, will see the truth. And the payoff will be that she will respect you for not tearing down her mother.

Wishing you all the best.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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NeedanEar

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« Reply #5 on: December 25, 2014, 04:04:21 PM »

Hi Survived! 

I'll tell you a bit of my story... .hopefully it helps.

I have a uBPDm and I was very attached to her growing up. It was made clear that it was my mom and I against the world... .and my Dad. (I also have two brothers but they're a lot younger than me and I have no idea if they feel the same way I do. They're still very close to her and not very much with my Dad.) Growing up I was lead to believe that basically I was the second parent in my house, not my Dad. He would be away a couple days out of the week for work and so my uBPDm would take it upon herself to point out how much he wasn't around. I didn't feel like he wanted to be around either. I grew up not really feeling a loyalty to my Dad but always secretly wished I could be like other daughters and feel like 'daddy's little girl'. In fact, I wanted that very much. The problem was, I couldn't want it with my mom around.

It wouldn't be until I was much older (my early twenties... .I know... .not very old. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) just older than when I noticed problems) that I would try to repair things with my Dad. As soon as that started my mom became very angry with me during our conversations (they were separated at this point and eventually they would divorce). She would speak very ill about my dad one minute and in the next breath say that she didn't wish him ill will though.   

I continued to talk to my dad and try to fix things. I don't remember what had transpired prior to this particular phone call, but my mom called me one day to say that I needed to choose between her and my father. She was angry and upset and wouldn't really listen to me. I just remember telling her that there was no way I was going to choose and that if she couldn't handle that, that it was on her. I also remember crying a lot after that phone call. I was really hurt. I didn't choose who my parents were... .I was just born to them. How could she make me choose a parent?

I'm now 32 and have only realized within the last year that there's a name for what my mom is probably dealing with... .BPD. It fits SO much with her. Realizing what is going on with her also helps me to realize what my dad must have been going through all those years. The problem is, I wouldn't have understood it until I was older, even if someone tried to explain it to me. It's a combination of being across the country from my parents and paying attention to what it's like being an adult (that part might not make sense, but it's hard to explain). My dad and I now have a wonderful relationship and the things he tells me about me when I was growing up, makes me realize that he did want to be around me... .he was very much a part of my childhood, but I don't have a whole lot of memories about that. I think I forgot them because I so strongly believed my mom when she said my dad was never around.

The great thing about my dad is that, through it all, he was always open to having a relationship with me. I can't imagine how much I must have hurt him growing up, and I don't feel like I can discuss it with him to apologize for yet because I think I'm the only one who has a name for my mom's issues. I may even be the only one who notices... .I don't know. I just know that without him exhibiting unconditional love to me and being there when I was ready, it would have been really hard to get close again. So I credit him with a lot. I realize he's a lot stronger than I gave him credit for growing up. He wasn't an angel by any means, but he certainly didn't have anyone helping him to understand how to deal with what was going on in our home.

I guess I said all that to say this. Your situation won't get better right away. I agree with other people's suggestions of letting her know you love her when you can, and don't speak ill of the mom. There will be no faster way to turn your daughter further away from you. With time, and hopefully as she gets older, she'll try to take control of her own life, this will make her mom angry, and she'll need someone to turn to. I'm not saying she'll turn to you, but if she does, be there.   I'm so sorry that you're going through this situation and I know it probably hurts... .a lot. Your daughter loves you and needs you. There's probably a part of her too that wishes your relationship were stronger... .but until she gets enough strength to stand up for herself, become her own person, and create boundaries with her mom, she won't be able to see you as anything other than what her mom says.

Here's hoping that you both are able to reconcile with your daughter sooner than I was able to with my dad. 
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