Hi Survived!
I'll tell you a bit of my story... .hopefully it helps.
I have a uBPDm and I was very attached to her growing up. It was made clear that it was my mom and I against the world... .and my Dad. (I also have two brothers but they're a lot younger than me and I have no idea if they feel the same way I do. They're still very close to her and not very much with my Dad.) Growing up I was lead to believe that basically I was the second parent in my house, not my Dad. He would be away a couple days out of the week for work and so my uBPDm would take it upon herself to point out how much he wasn't around. I didn't feel like he wanted to be around either. I grew up not really feeling a loyalty to my Dad but always secretly wished I could be like other daughters and feel like 'daddy's little girl'. In fact, I wanted that very much. The problem was, I couldn't want it with my mom around.
It wouldn't be until I was much older (my early twenties... .I know... .not very old.
just older than when I noticed problems) that I would try to repair things with my Dad. As soon as that started my mom became very angry with me during our conversations (they were separated at this point and eventually they would divorce). She would speak very ill about my dad one minute and in the next breath say that she didn't wish him ill will though.
I continued to talk to my dad and try to fix things. I don't remember what had transpired prior to this particular phone call, but my mom called me one day to say that I needed to choose between her and my father. She was angry and upset and wouldn't really listen to me. I just remember telling her that there was no way I was going to choose and that if she couldn't handle that, that it was on her. I also remember crying a lot after that phone call. I was really hurt. I didn't choose who my parents were... .I was just born to them. How could she make me choose a parent?
I'm now 32 and have only realized within the last year that there's a name for what my mom is probably dealing with... .BPD. It fits SO much with her. Realizing what is going on with her also helps me to realize what my dad must have been going through all those years. The problem is, I wouldn't have understood it until I was older, even if someone tried to explain it to me. It's a combination of being across the country from my parents and paying attention to what it's like being an adult (that part might not make sense, but it's hard to explain). My dad and I now have a wonderful relationship and the things he tells me about me when I was growing up, makes me realize that he did want to be around me... .he was very much a part of my childhood, but I don't have a whole lot of memories about that. I think I forgot them because I so strongly believed my mom when she said my dad was never around.
The great thing about my dad is that, through it all, he was always open to having a relationship with me. I can't imagine how much I must have hurt him growing up, and I don't feel like I can discuss it with him to apologize for yet because I think I'm the only one who has a name for my mom's issues. I may even be the only one who notices... .I don't know. I just know that without him exhibiting unconditional love to me and being there when I was ready, it would have been really hard to get close again. So I credit him with a lot. I realize he's a lot stronger than I gave him credit for growing up. He wasn't an angel by any means, but he certainly didn't have anyone helping him to understand how to deal with what was going on in our home.
I guess I said all that to say this. Your situation won't get better right away. I agree with other people's suggestions of letting her know you love her when you can, and don't speak ill of the mom. There will be no faster way to turn your daughter further away from you. With time, and hopefully as she gets older, she'll try to take control of her own life, this will make her mom angry, and she'll need someone to turn to. I'm not saying she'll turn to you, but if she does, be there. I'm so sorry that you're going through this situation and I know it probably hurts... .a lot. Your daughter loves you and needs you. There's probably a part of her too that wishes your relationship were stronger... .but until she gets enough strength to stand up for herself, become her own person, and create boundaries with her mom, she won't be able to see you as anything other than what her mom says.
Here's hoping that you both are able to reconcile with your daughter sooner than I was able to with my dad.
