Sharing custody with non- diagnosed BPD father

[divva]

I have a twelve year old daughter with an undiagnosed BPD , I ended the relationship nine years ago after four years of hell... .felt it was better for my daughter to know her mother as she really is and not the frightened,tiny,unhappy person I'd become due to this relationship. I went to a Gestalt therapist for two years starting shortly after the split in order to find coping mechanisms for the relationship that still had to exist between us because we agreed to informal  shared custody of our daughter. The therapist told me about BPD and told me my ex seemed to display symptoms of the disorder based on what I'd told her. I'd never heard of it but read everything I could lay my hands on about it. In the beginning things were really bad and I often had migraines that lasted days after one of my ex's rants, abusive emails or threats to take me to court or stop all contact with me. I have learned over the years though to look past the torrent of abuse, not take it personally and to give up the idea that conflict should be ended righteously. It's become about doing what's necessary to get the best for my daughter.  We have become what I tentatively call "friends" and help each other out , often talking for hours on the phone. So why have I finally seen fit to join this online group? Well, in spite of all the good work done, my ex is still unpredictable and good for a (negative) surprise every few months... .the latest one came this afternoon and involved my daughter, who has just hit puberty. It was a pattern of behaviour I know so well. We had plans to go to the Christmas markets together as his aunt, who I've not seen for twelve years, is visiting. My ex, our daughter and i do things together maybe three times  a year because she loves us to be together.My ex welcomes me to his house, pampers me, is nice as pie and I'm lulled into a false sense of security. My daughter has trouble doing her shoelaces up and gets annoyed, when he asks what's wrong she is terse with him. He goes into his blurb about not deserving that kind of treatment from her, he did nothing wrong, she better stop treating him like this ( typical narcissistic behaviour) and I make the fatal mistake of getting involved. I say she's just upset about her laces, there's no need to tell her off and all hell breaks loose. I'm told to get out of his house, that I should shut my face, that I have no right to come into his house and treat him this way. The outcome is that his aunt, our daughter and I go to the Christmas markets without him as he refuses to do anything with me or be around me. I didn't talk to either of them about it once we were out the house as I don't think his elderly aunt should have to take sides and I didn't want to upset my daughter anymore, but I'm home alone now and realise that I need a place where I can describe these events to someone and not feel like I'm burdening anyone! I have fallen into that familiar depressed vacuum that I always fall into after one of his surprise attacks, which is such a shame as life is too short and don't want to give him the satisfaction our ruining my (potentially lovely) evening! I also need advice on how I can help my daughter. She's not a little girl anymore and she often complains about his behaviour, saying he often gets mad for nothing and says things like he wants to die every day because of her! Unfortunately I've had to move away from where we live for work for the next year and she is with him 90% of the time at the moment... .he has money troubles which aggravates his BPD and I pay him quite a lot to look after her, which has eased things a lot but he's like a snake waiting for the next time to jump out and bite you unawares! The last time I tried to talk to my daughter about her father's possible disorder, she asked him about it and he threatened to take me to court for libel, made me apologise dozens of times for scaring her and demanded I pay him 200 euro damages or we would only be communicating through lawyers from now on. ( I didn't pay and he finally dropped it).

[Turkish]

Hello divva,

Like you, many of us realized that it may be better apart for the kids' sake rather than together. Apart, it's possible to model at least one healthy parental relationship since we are no longer weekly or daily targets of abuse. It varies on how much a child mirrors either the disordered parent, or the coping (and possibly enabling) one.

I'm sorry that you got lulled into a sense of security. As much as I can understand a pwBPD (person with BPD), I can see how your daughter unintentionally set him off, and then it escalated when you were quite naturally trying to diffuse the situation and protect your daughter from verbal assault. We have many communication tools here which can help you in those rare instances when you do have to communicate. Being apart, however, hopefully these instances are rare.

Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (3 minute instructional video)

I tend to use the following model not only in written communication with mine, but also verbally, because I don't want to open myself up to unintentionally trigger my Ex, or possibly give her an opening to criticize or judge me. As such, our few interactions are cordial, though I keep them brief:

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

What is the custody sharing arrangement like? That your poor daughter is bearing the brunt of his emotional dysregulation is difficult for her, and I'm sure painful for you to watch. We can help support you here in helping her as well, without specifically mentioning "BPD." There are many parents (and some lovely step-parents) here who are struggling to protect their children from the disordered behaviors of the BPD or NPD parent. We talk about things like validation, which can help children process their feelings without engaging in parental alienation. I hope you stick around and keep posting!



Turkish

[ForeverDad]

Is there some way she can live with you?  The longer he has majority time, the harder it will be to undo that.

I bought the Welcome Back Pluto DVD from Richard Warshak's website.  I haven't watched it yet with my son but plan to view it during Winter Break.  One chapter can be viewed on his website and it does resonate well, better than a book would with today's video-primed kids.  I think it will be good for my son and I.

[divva]

Thanks Forever Dad, for the DVD tip... .I´ll take a look... .

  Up until this point I have not looked seriously into the option of having my D12 live with me... .when she was born I signed a document recognizing her father as her father and giving him equal custody... .in this country every parent has the legal right to share their child equally after a split-up, even drug addicts and criminals,  unless the child is in danger. My ex pwBPD falls into the  highly-functioning invisible catagory,is extremely clever and manipulative and is a native speaker, whereas I am not, so I don´t think I would have a chance in hell of getting the courts to agree to sole custody, in fact I could well imagine that he´d be so furious at me for even attempting this that he would a) fight for (and probably get) sole custody himself b) kidnap my daughter (he himself was kidnapped by his father and taken from Canada to Germany as a five-year old. His mother later commited suicide) c) do himself harm.  I just can´t risk any of these outcomes... .

Unfortunately I also have a job that has taken me away from where we live with increasing frequency the last few years... .I am completely responsible for paying my  bills and pay him child allowance too, so I cannot afford to not work! I asked her if she wanted to come with me, but she doesn´t want to change schools and lose her (hard come by) friends... .she is a wonderful, funny, intelligent girl but very overweight, which has made making friends slow going for her... .I dont want to uproot her... .

  My ex pwBPD has these outbreaks at intervals, I believe this is just another one, but what has changed is that my D12 has hit puberty and is old enough to start asking why her family is like this... .my plan is that I can move home in nine months and be with her as much as I used to be, even if it means changing jobs, and that she can hold out until she is old enough to decide whether she wants to continue living with him half the time or not... .

[livednlearned]

Hi divva,

What is Gestalt therapy?

The solutions to these things are never easy, especially when everything seems so emotionally charged, and you feel responsible for making things work, which can create additional burdens.

Does your D try to appease her dad? What does she do when he blows up like that?

My son is also 13 and what I'm learning is that you cannot mess around during the teen years. They are equally as formative as the toddler years, according to neuroscientists and psychologists. It is a lot for your D to hear her dad say that he wants to die because of her. That's horrible to say to an adult, much less a child.

Is your D seeing her own therapist? I learned the hard way that I don't have the skills to help S13 in the way he needs it. As his parent, I am too inside the dynamic, and have my own codependent issues that are hard for me to recognize, so sometimes unintentionally I undermine S13's ability to cope.