Lack of patience

[EaglesJuju]

I have made great progress with my DPD/co-dependency but, I am still struggling with my lack of patience.  I have been working with a therapist for my DPD/co-dependency and PTSD.  Those issues seem to consume all of my therapy time. 

I have always had a lack of patience.  It could be my ADD, but I think it is more part of my personality. 

I am essentially creating more anxiety with my impatience. The current state of my relationship (long distance) really calls for more patience on my end. I want to work on this, but I am really stumped to where to begin. 

Has anyone else had a problem with patience?  Can anyone give me advice how to work on this?

[BuildingFromScratch]

I too struggle with this. I also suffer from Depersonalization Disorder and lifelong anxiety. I find most of our problems arise from an attachment to certain outcomes. I find myself thinking "I must have x y z" to live life at all. And then I'm miserable because I set criteria that I can't meet. Also, all humans need a sense of control. Many of us, due to our relationships, lives, genetics, and childhood feel like we have no control and we clamor for it. This is why faith and acceptance are so powerful. You could have faith that the pink space cow in the sky can carry you through something and it will calm you down and give you a sense of control. Also, if you are are peace with the struggles of life, you won't think so catastrophically and that will calm you too.

Changing ones mindset is a lifelong struggle and process, but its' worth it. Hope you feel better, I think we can make it, good luck!

[Blimblam]

I'll chime In here. 

Post breakup I experienced a combination of like ptsd, depersonailization and psychosis.  It was trully horrific like an extreme form of ptsd.

Although what seemed to fit my experience most accurately would be called a spiritual emergency and shamanistic initiation.

What I found to help tremendously has been meditation.  Focusing on the somatic sensations of my experience.

[EaglesJuju]

I'll chime In here. 

Post breakup I experienced a combination of like ptsd, depersonailization and psychosis.  It was trully horrific like an extreme form of ptsd.

Although what seemed to fit my experience most accurately would be called a spiritual emergency and shamanistic initiation.

What I found to help tremendously has been meditation.  Focusing on the somatic sensations of my experience.

I know this is ignorant but, how does one meditate?  I can imagine meditation would be helpful. 

[Blimblam]

I'll chime In here.  

Post breakup I experienced a combination of like ptsd, depersonailization and psychosis.  It was trully horrific like an extreme form of ptsd.

Although what seemed to fit my experience most accurately would be called a spiritual emergency and shamanistic initiation.

What I found to help tremendously has been meditation.  Focusing on the somatic sensations of my experience.

I know this is ignorant but, how does one meditate?  I can imagine meditation would be helpful.  

There are actually many different forms and traditions of meditation.  

Here's the one I started with I just layed down and listened to a song that would trigger me to cry then just lay there and feel the somatic sensations of tension in my body.  It was mostly felt like a black hole in my chest.  

But there is this moment where a strong emotion creates a sort of compulsive feeling with a lot of anxiety behind it. Become aware of these moments and focus on the somatic sensation of that rising compulsive anxious feeling.  It is typically accompanied by a tightening in the chest while breathing in then sort of capture that energy become aware of it and breath out relaxing everything and experience it somatically.  

It's sort of hard but if you want to try a quick track to becoming aware of what those anxious compulsive feeling are like try fasting for three days.  Fast for three days and for at least the last two days just sit/ stay in one spot and observe your mind and thoughts.  :)on't worry about sitting in the perfect position just no tv or reading or phone or anything just sit there and experience it. You can move around a bit it doesn't have to be perfect.  You can drink water.  Just don't do anything to busy yourself to distract yourself.

In fact I'll do it too I need to kick start my meditation practice back up. So on the 26th I'm going to fast for 3 days and just sit there.

Also just observing your breath don't control it just observe it.

There's many many more methods. 

[workinprogress]

I have made great progress with my DPD/co-dependency but, I am still struggling with my lack of patience.  I have been working with a therapist for my DPD/co-dependency and PTSD.  Those issues seem to consume all of my therapy time. 

I have always had a lack of patience.  It could be my ADD, but I think it is more part of my personality. 

I am essentially creating more anxiety with my impatience. The current state of my relationship (long distance) really calls for more patience on my end. I want to work on this, but I am really stumped to where to begin. 

Has anyone else had a problem with patience?  Can anyone give me advice how to work on this?

I noticed this with myself, I had no patience with myself at all.  When I started examining my FOO more, I realized that my dad was an adrenalin driven narcissist.  He was always creating drama for me growing up.  He always was pointing out that everything about me was wrong.  He manufactured crisis after crisis for me. 

I grew up with a great deal of inner anxiety.  I started facing my feelings of anxiety instead of running from them or self-medicating.

I started "talking" to my emotions.

I also found doing simple breathing exercises helped.

This should almost be treated as a chemical condition.  You have to physically alter yourself and your responses to yourself and the world around you.

[Pingo]

I agree with workinprogress, I also grew up with a lot of anxiety and spent my life running/medicating.  It has only been this last year that I really stopped running and started 'feeling' all the pain inside me. 

I am also impatient EaglesJuju, my T is always reminding me I cannot rush healing and she encourages me to slow down on the reading/analysing and just 'be'.  I have learned some different meditations. Unfortunately, bc I am so impatient meditating is difficult.  I get frustrated bc I start judging myself on my lack of being able to sit still and slow down my mind.  So here's what has been working for me.  I learned a 5-sense meditation.  I use this when I go for a walk.  But you could do it anywhere.  Try to focus on one sense at a time.  So start with your sight, what do you see.  What colours, textures, light and dark.  Focus on this for about two minutes.  Then listen.  Listen to all the sounds you can detect, from closest to those furthest away.  (my s10 really likes this one).  Do this for about 2 minutes.  Then smell.  What can you smell?  The morning dew?  Smoke coming from a chimney?  Something you cooked?  Do this for about 2 minutes.  Then touch.  If you are laying or sitting, feel the texture of the chair, your clothes, is the air cold or warm.  If you are outside is there a breeze?  How does that feel against your skin?  Do this for about 2 minutes.  The last, taste.  This is a good one if you have a piece of fruit you can eat and really experience.  Slowly chew and swallow, tasting all the flavours, etc.  By the end of the 5 sense meditation just observe how you feel.

I learned this meditation in the book 'Mind and Emotions', a very good book for learning skills to cope.  It combines DBT, CBT and ACT.

Hope this helps.  The classic meditation of just focusing on your breath is really good also.  Just breath in and out and count your exhalations.  When you get to 4 or 10 (or whatever) start again.  You can focus on your diaphragm or how the air feels coming in through your nose or the way your chest rises with each breath.  I struggle more with this meditation bc I hold all my anxiety in my abdomen and it's hard to take a deep breath without getting all judgemental on myself .

[BuildingFromScratch]

I also, agree that with pretty much everything people are saying. You should choose a mindfulness technique that works best for you. Generally whatever you can be most easy going about. Myself, I tried to meditate and be mindful during a very severe bout of depersonalization and I'd even get hard on myself about that and it caused more anxiety. The less goal oriented you are, the better it will work.

[Blimblam]

I remember when I first really got into meditating and it was not on purpose it just sort of happened.  But I was isolated in an old growth redwood forest alone under a tarp in the rain in a tree.  The second or third day I ran out of food for three days. I just sat their listening to the rain in the cold with no food.  I remember thinking to myself if someone wants to really learn to meditate that fasting is probably the easiest way. It creates the confrontation with desire and attachment very quickly and is easier to maintain than the observing your breath technique which is actually rather difficult to maintain for an extended period of time. 

[EaglesJuju]

Thanks for the responses all  

It seems like meditation is the way to go.  

My T is always reminding me I cannot rush healing and she encourages me to slow down on the reading/analysing and just 'be'.  I have learned some different meditations. Unfortunately, bc I am so impatient meditating is difficult.  I get frustrated bc I start judging myself on my lack of being able to sit still and slow down my mind.  

I found that this a major hindrance with my patience. It is almost like I need to shut my brain off for a bit and relax.

I am going to check out that book Pingo.  

[Aussie JJ]

EJJ,

I find I want to just be done with it and fix the problem and move on, why cant I fix it all now.  I sort of started off devouring information, trying to learn how to fix it (this has been a problem of mine for ages).  I have always been very analytical, figured out a plan, knew it would work, decided I could make it happen, executed.  Head first went to try and work through the problem and fix it, to me ill overcome any and every obsticle.  

Plan didnt work.  

That left me for the first time, second.  Second time ever, not being able to work through something.  Not being able to fix it, that had me lost.  

Then the whole acceptance thing started to make sense to me.  

Then I started to really examine not just my role in the relationship, I knew where I had gone wrong with the BPD dynamic, but my motivations in the relationship and also in general with many other decisions.  Thing is, I'm approxaimtelly 13 months from when it all fell apart, yet I now accept that im also between 12 and 24 months away from being through the court process and everything else.  

I'm not looking forward to it however I cant rush it, its a process.  Nothing more nothing less.  Workign through these issues is a process, nothign more nothign less.  

Mindfulness and meditation can be anythign you do.  :)ont use the dishwasher, wash the dishes with scoldign hot water and concentrate on the feeling of the hot water and all of that stuff.  It's suprising when you chanell everythign else out how relaxing washign the dishes can be!  There are a million other household tasks like this where you can just concentrate on one task and one task only to block out everythign else for that period in time.  

Doing this enabled me to block everything out and concentrate on myself, block the dishes out block the TV out, sit breath concentrate on myself.  When i started to do that, I started to turn the corner so to speak.  Examine myself critically.  


AJJ.  

[Turkish]

EJJ,

Have you seen this resource on the site? TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness

I can relate to not exactly anxiety, per se, but to my mind going a mile a minute sometimes. It's not so much that I have trouble going to sleep, for example, but just that I'm often "somewhere else." That it helps me in my work, for example, is a good thing in multitasking and making intuitive leaps. At other times, it's hard to relax. I read compulsively (~2 books/week, working full time and with the kids half of the time) to occupy my mind.

I once went with a friend to a meeting in order to find out more about Kabbalah. At the end, they had everyone meditate for 15 mins, leading us through it. I was in mental agony. I wanted to DO something, or GO somewhere, or LISTEN to something.

Maybe you can try other activities as well, like Pingo's walks. I hike a lot lately, and being out in the beauty of nature calms me, and though I go to a local wilderness park, I choose to go off the beaten paths to get away from people. Now I realize that I used to do this a lot as a teen to get away from being home with my BPD mom. I would vanish for hours on my forest adventures.

I can also demonstrate a lack of patience, and I find myself periodically triggered with a 2 and a 4 year old. I guess my mindfulness technique is to stop when I recognize my anger, realize that I have some lingering   from BPD mom who seemed angry a lot (probably more than I care to remember), and know that I will never have these moments again with my children at this age, and tantrums or not, I need to get control of myself.

[EaglesJuju]

Have you seen this resource on the site? TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness

Thanks Turkish.  I have read so much on the effectiveness of DBT with pwBPD and intimate partner violence, I never thought to look at that for myself.  I am going to check it out   

I can relate to not exactly anxiety, per se, but to my mind going a mile a minute sometimes. That it helps me in my work, for example, is a good thing in multitasking and making intuitive leaps. At other times, it's hard to relax. I read compulsively (~2 books/week, working full time and with the kids half of the time) to occupy my mind.

I have always had a problem relaxing. I really do not think I have ever relaxed in my life. It is hard for me to turn my brain off.  I tend to multi-task quite a bit.  I found multi-tasking helps me quite a bit with my ADD. 

I'm not looking forward to it however I cant rush it, its a process.  Nothing more nothing less.  Working through these issues is a process, nothing more nothing less. 

Thanks AJJ. You make a really good point.  I really need to learn not to rush anything. I create anxiety by not allowing the process to take place.   

quote author=Turkish link=topic=239169.msg12546416#msg12546416 date=1419438280]Maybe you can try other activities as well, like Pingo's walks. I hike a lot lately, and being out in the beauty of nature calms me, and though I go to a local wilderness park, I choose to go off the beaten paths to get away from people. Now I realize that I used to do this a lot as a teen to get away from being home with my BPD mom. I would vanish for hours on my forest adventures. [/quote]
I really like the idea of Pingo's walks   .  I always liked nature as a child.  It gave me a sense of tranquility as well.  Most of my ventures into nature consist of me running.  Perhaps taking it slow and walking would really help. 

When I truly get down the core of my lack of patience, I truly think it is a mix of my DPD/co-dependency and my ADD.  Although I am currently not on medication for my ADD, I wonder if Adderall or Ritalin would help?

[Blimblam]

Have you seen this resource on the site? TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness

Thanks Turkish.  I have read so much on the effectiveness of DBT with pwBPD and intimate partner violence, I never thought to look at that for myself.  I am going to check it out   

I can relate to not exactly anxiety, per se, but to my mind going a mile a minute sometimes. That it helps me in my work, for example, is a good thing in multitasking and making intuitive leaps. At other times, it's hard to relax. I read compulsively (~2 books/week, working full time and with the kids half of the time) to occupy my mind.

I have always had a problem relaxing. I really do not think I have ever relaxed in my life. It is hard for me to turn my brain off.  I tend to multi-task quite a bit.  I found multi-tasking helps me quite a bit with my ADD. 

I'm not looking forward to it however I cant rush it, its a process.  Nothing more nothing less.  Working through these issues is a process, nothing more nothing less. 

Thanks AJJ. You make a really good point.  I really need to learn not to rush anything. I create anxiety by not allowing the process to take place.   

quote author=Turkish link=topic=239169.msg12546416#msg12546416 date=1419438280]Maybe you can try other activities as well, like Pingo's walks. I hike a lot lately, and being out in the beauty of nature calms me, and though I go to a local wilderness park, I choose to go off the beaten paths to get away from people. Now I realize that I used to do this a lot as a teen to get away from being home with my BPD mom. I would vanish for hours on my forest adventures.

I really like the idea of Pingo's walks   .  I always liked nature as a child.  It gave me a sense of tranquility as well.  Most of my ventures into nature consist of me running.  Perhaps taking it slow and walking would really help. 

When I truly get down the core of my lack of patience, I truly think it is a mix of my DPD/co-dependency and my ADD.  Although I am currently not on medication for my ADD, I wonder if Adderall or Ritalin would help?[/quote]
Really be carefull with a amphetamine derivatives and dpd I can't stress this enough.  I found walking really helps a lot too.  I don't know about your depersonailization disorder but I have experienced it as a direct result of the break up with my ex pwBPD. It was pretty extreme and I'm not sure what stage you are at in it. But I have always had add and know I think my add was like my dpd in just a really mild form. 

I will tell you this though medications are not needed but The process of overcoming it is not easy at all.  There was a time after a break up with a pwBPD a decade a go I got very heartbroken and my add got worst much much worst for like 2 years.  It took me going into the woods and meditating for about 1000 hours and hundreds of hours of contemplation but after months I had developed laser like focus.  I know it's possible because I have done it before.  I am almost a year out of my rs with a pwBPD most recently. In my opinion if you suffered dpd as a result of your rs with a pwBPD then you probably have reached a point in your psyche as a result of truama very few will understand.  To get to a point of laser focus it will probably take me at least another 1000 hours of meditation from the point I am at now, It took me

About 800 hours and a year to get here from the point I was at a year ago.  A year ago I couldn't recognize myself if I looked in a mirror glancing. I had to really tell myself that was me looking at myself in the mirror.

I remember years ago when I had laser focus and I left the woods to maintain that level of focus I had to run or walk at least 5 miles a day and practice mindfulness at all times. it got to the point that I could make any activity meditation and I became very aware of the subtle differences of many forms of meditation.  The thing is if you experience dpd it will take a lot more effort to get to the point of no longer having add symptoms and being healed from you relationship than it will be for most people. 

[EaglesJuju]

Really be carefull with a amphetamine derivatives and dpd I can't stress this enough.  I found walking really helps a lot too.  I don't know about your depersonailization disorder but I have experienced it as a direct result of the break up with my ex pwBPD. It was pretty extreme and I'm not sure what stage you are at in it. But I have always had add and know I think my add was like my dpd in just a really mild form.  

I will tell you this though medications are not needed but The process of overcoming it is not easy at all.  There was a time after a break up with a pwBPD a decade a go I got very heartbroken and my add got worst much much worst for like 2 years.  It took me going into the woods and meditating for about 1000 hours and hundreds of hours of contemplation but after months I had developed laser like focus.  I know it's possible because I have done it before.  I am almost a year out of my rs with a pwBPD most recently. In my opinion if you suffered dpd as a result of your rs with a pwBPD then you probably have reached a point in your psyche as a result of truama very few will understand.  To get to a point of laser focus it will probably take me at least another 1000 hours of meditation from the point I am at now, It took me

About 800 hours and a year to get here from the point I was at a year ago.  A year ago I couldn't recognize myself if I looked in a mirror glancing. I had to really tell myself that was me looking at myself in the mirror.

I remember years ago when I had laser focus and I left the woods to maintain that level of focus I had to run or walk at least 5 miles a day and practice mindfulness at all times. it got to the point that I could make any activity meditation and I became very aware of the subtle differences of many forms of meditation.  The thing is if you experience dpd it will take a lot more effort to get to the point of no longer having add symptoms and being healed from you relationship than it will be for most people.  

Hi Blim,

I think you got confused with my acronym for DPD.  I have dependent personality disorder not depersonalization disorder. My ADD does add a lot to my anxiety and patience.  The core feelings of dependent personality disorder are fear and anxiety.  I was thinking that Adderall or Ritalin would help with my basic impatient tendencies such as, getting frustrated waiting for something.

[Blimblam]

Really be carefull with a amphetamine derivatives and dpd I can't stress this enough.  I found walking really helps a lot too.  I don't know about your depersonailization disorder but I have experienced it as a direct result of the break up with my ex pwBPD. It was pretty extreme and I'm not sure what stage you are at in it. But I have always had add and know I think my add was like my dpd in just a really mild form.  

I will tell you this though medications are not needed but The process of overcoming it is not easy at all.  There was a time after a break up with a pwBPD a decade a go I got very heartbroken and my add got worst much much worst for like 2 years.  It took me going into the woods and meditating for about 1000 hours and hundreds of hours of contemplation but after months I had developed laser like focus.  I know it's possible because I have done it before.  I am almost a year out of my rs with a pwBPD most recently. In my opinion if you suffered dpd as a result of your rs with a pwBPD then you probably have reached a point in your psyche as a result of truama very few will understand.  To get to a point of laser focus it will probably take me at least another 1000 hours of meditation from the point I am at now, It took me

About 800 hours and a year to get here from the point I was at a year ago.  A year ago I couldn't recognize myself if I looked in a mirror glancing. I had to really tell myself that was me looking at myself in the mirror.

I remember years ago when I had laser focus and I left the woods to maintain that level of focus I had to run or walk at least 5 miles a day and practice mindfulness at all times. it got to the point that I could make any activity meditation and I became very aware of the subtle differences of many forms of meditation.  The thing is if you experience dpd it will take a lot more effort to get to the point of no longer having add symptoms and being healed from you relationship than it will be for most people.  

Hi Blim,

I think you got confused with my acronym for DPD.  I have dependent personality disorder not depersonalization disorder. My ADD does add a lot to my anxiety and patience.  The core feelings of dependent personality disorder are fear and anxiety.  I was thinking that Adderall or Ritalin would help with my basic impatient tendencies such as, getting frustrated waiting for something.

Ahh I see my mistake.  But the same advice goes.  I think a deep meditative practice would help people overcome most "mental illnesses."