Another Christmas wrecked

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, we didn't even have the opportunity to open the first gift before my UBPDH started ranting.  Let's not worry that there are other people in the house and that their Christmas will be ruined.  Let's just scream vile comments, threaten to leave (yes, please do), storm upstairs, pull clothing and bags out and then just walk back into the living room and calmly sit down as if nothing has happened.  Meanwhile others have gone back to their bedrooms and do not want to engage in Christmas at all. 

I am so bloody sick and tired of this.

So sorry for venting

[Dibdob59]

Well, we didn't even have the opportunity to open the first gift before my UBPDH started ranting.  Let's not worry that there are other people in the house and that their Christmas will be ruined.  Let's just scream vile comments, threaten to leave (yes, please do), storm upstairs, pull clothing and bags out and then just walk back into the living room and calmly sit down as if nothing has happened.  Meanwhile others have gone back to their bedrooms and do not want to engage in Christmas at all. 

I am so bloody sick and tired of this.

So sorry for venting

[going places]

I am so sorry.

[Recooperating]

So so sorry! Is there any way you can ignore his BS and just enjoy X-mas with your family without letting him ruin it? His actions are his, not yours!

Really sorry! Hope you'll feel better soon... .

[marie burton]

Has anyone else,noticed that they have and I mean have to ruin every holiday or important event that,has importance to their spouse? Why is this ?

[Whitebread]

So sorry you had to deal with those antics today... .they just dont seem to get that their behavior affects everyone within earshot.  Or they dont care.  I hope you were able to recover some moments of the celebration.

And to add to your observation Marie B., yes... every holiday, birthday, important function, heck even my Dad's funeral there was the drama.  Is it because they are not the center of attention?  I don't know.

I was reflecting on past Christmases today and how he did nothing to participate beforehand, in fact was always SO stressed that he had TWO gifts to buy-- me and his son.  And how torn he was to find something because I am so difficult to buy for.  He made such a big deal out of I'd end up trying to make him feel better by saying nevermind, its fine, i dont need anything. 

He would be in his usual preholiday depressed mood, scowling, black cloud over his head kind of thing.  I put up the tree, alone.  Decorated the house, alone.  Shopped, wrapped, alone. Baked cookies, cooked a nice dinner, Hallmark card perfect table... alone.  He would eat, sometimes say something akin to a compliment like 'that hit the spot' and get up to retire to the living room.  Oh... i guess I will clean up, alone too.  And maybe he would get some xmas spirit for a couple hrs that day and be human.  He sucked the fun out it, every single year.

Ugh the more I write and reread this stuff the more I wonder what the heck was I thinking? 

[Inside]

In their minds, they suffer in silence.  No one knows how much effort it takes them to ‘act’ as if they’re normal.  It drains them, to the point of exhaustion, anger, and rage.  They’re wanting to scream - Don’t you people know how hard this is for me?  But how can we... ?

Amid their emotional extremes, blowing up is their way of ‘telling us’ how hard life is... .  So now we’ll know(!) - this is really hard for them.  And once it’s out of their system, and we’ve shared in their pain, for the moment, back to their act…

And it’s nearly a full-time act.  With no sense of self, they don’t know ‘who they are.’ Plus, when there are multiple people gathered, they don’t know which ‘part’ to play?  They’re a different character to everyone they meet, so when surrounded by those people, how can they ‘play one’ - and not ‘another’... ?  Drives them mad!

And yes, they love drama.  I wouldn’t doubt if it’s some kind of ‘re-creation’ of the anger and anguish going on inside their heads, played out in real-time and real-life for everyone to experience.  Maybe that’s why they can so easily ignore previous outbursts… they do it all the time ... .inside their heads

My uBPDxgf also loved being the center of attention.  Often Narcissistic or Histrionic in addition to BPD, if the focus is on someone or something else - what’s the point of them even being there?  ... .so blow it up, run off, then come back when everyone’s got time again for - them.

They seem to need for us to feel, or share their pain, thus make that happen.  They eventually burn all their bridges, then feel guilty and ashamed for having done so ... .and run everyone off whos got somewhere else to go... .

I’m sorry, too…  ... .guess that’s why we’re all here.  Let’s just be thankful we’re not them, we’ve only loved them ... .or that innocent lovable person forever trapped within a turmoil not of their making.  Hang on ... .to whoever’s left  

[marie burton]

Yes , I bought all the gifts , wrapped them all decorated two Christmas trees by myself, shopped for supplies for dinner by myself made the dinner by myself and spread christmas cheer. His response try to ruin it for everyone run off to a family house that was vacant and no show. Is it to much to ask to just show up and enjoy a nice day . I work six days a week days off are very important to me . Yeah me ... .the condition for him to come home is to deactivate my Facebook page and only have one with him, subscribe to a service where he can read all my text and hear all my phone conversations, and delete my email and only have one email where he can read that too... Ohh and any person that I may or,may not have vented about what I go through with ( for a little bit of blowing off steam ) I have to say its all me I'm crazy and severe my relationship with them . Really ... .what us there to say about all these ultimatiums ... .My response ... .none ... .the condition if you don't I want a divorce he says ... .unbelievable ... .how many people do you think they think would put up with their behavior .

[Trog]

Has anyone else,noticed that they have and I mean have to ruin every holiday or important event that,has importance to their spouse? Why is this ?

Yes, I'm beginning to think it's just vindictiveness. Ive had countless birthdays and xmas ruined by her, she tried to ruin yesterday but I didn't answer the phone. She will try to get to me on my birthday too but ive changed phone numbers and deleted all accounts.

[Tibbles]

So sorry it turned out like that for you. Common pattern of ruining special times and creating drama. I agree its because they are not the center of attention. With mine it was all about control - he had to control everything so he felt safe and if he felt at all out of control - heaven help us all. Mine has a Christmas flip out every year, we are still in contact as he is giving financial help with our son. This year no exception. He just didn't want to be hurt this Christmas. He is totally stunned by the total weirdness of this Christmas and can never be happy while he is in contact with this family. Christmas needed to rate at least a 5 out of ten and this one rated a 2 out of ten.

Friggen idiot!

[Popcorn71]

Yet another trait that is so common that my xBPDh also had.  He ruined every Christmas for me, except the first one we were together.  He caused arguments and was totally miserable.  He never bothered putting in any effort to get me a nice present or help with the preparations.  He seemed to go out of his way to avoid helping and spoil it for me even though he knew how much I love this time of year.

After we had split up, some friends told me that my ex's ex wife had told them that he ruined Christmas for her every year and always caused trouble and argued.  So it seems that he really must have a problem with this time of year.

I have been feeling a bit down that this year he seems to be having a wonderful time with the replacement and her family.  But I also know that this is only their second Christmas together.  He is still trying desperately to impress and keep the 'real' him hidden.  Next year things will probably be very different, if the trouble hasn't already started.  I have to remind myself that he cannot suddenly change.

At least Christmas for me this year, has been peaceful and quiet.  That's something I didn't have for the 9 years I was with him.

[iluminati]

In their minds, they suffer in silence.  No one knows how much effort it takes them to ‘act’ as if they’re normal.  It drains them, to the point of exhaustion, anger, and rage.  They’re wanting to scream - Don’t you people know how hard this is for me?  But how can we... ? 

In defense of pwBPD, they really are suffering.  The problem is that the proximate cause of their suffering is buried under multiple layers of psychological defenses.  What they say may be the issue may be completely tangential to their actual problem.  Of course, revealing the actual source would mean being vulnerable which, due to their very real trauma, is a Bad Thing, so say the least.

[iluminati]

Also, in terms of holidays, I managed to get out relatively unscathed.  One biggie was that we lived in a different state than her family, and she didn't drive.  Therefore, if she wanted to see them, she had to play ball, so to speak.  I didn't have any problems spending birthdays and holidays on my own or with my own family.  That took the sting out of the holidays because I could always take my ball and go home, so to speak.  That isn't the healthiest way to go about things, but it kept me sane for 7 years.

[Wastedyears25]

My uBPDstbxh  also ruined almost every holiday, birthday... .He hates Christmas as I was told every Christmas season for almost 30 years, he blames his mom for his dislike of the holiday because his sister always received more gifts than he did (number of gifts and dollar value.) So what does he do this Christmas? He gives our daughter a large gift $$$ and our son received nothing. Nothing, nada, zero. WTH?  Our daughter said she isn't thanking her dad for the gift because what he did to her brother is wrong. What is wrong with this man? Why would he do that to his own son when he says the same inequality made him hate Christmas? My heart was broken for my son.

[Inside]

In defense of pwBPD, they really are suffering.  The problem is that the proximate cause of their suffering is buried under multiple layers of psychological defenses.  What they say may be the issue may be completely tangential to their actual problem.  Of course, revealing the actual source would mean being vulnerable which, due to their very real trauma, is a Bad Thing, so say the least.

I realize there are methods of approaching them, so as not to trigger their fears, but what more can anyone do?  If they’re working at therapy of some kind, or perhaps medicate themselves prior to an event … but if ‘we’ leave it up to them, or continue to tiptoe around them, that sounds like repeating the same mistake…  

I’m away from my uBPDgf of 3 years, but remain submerged in ‘their behavior’ as way of figuring out what happened … then can’t help but attempt to share what I’ve learned and experienced with others.  

The description of ‘needing control’ sounded familiar.  But how can they control the expectations of others... ?  ... .beyond setting up some sick scenario as described with, gift - no gift.  My BPx went into a moody, sulking, angry disappearing act amid her relatives, and seemed jealous that I was interacting well with them.  But she could not be consoled, as I’d spend the rest of the evening with her alone ... .while she stewed over trivial imperfections.  And the deeper my probing, the more defensive she got.  I think, when the final conclusion is that it’s not ‘everybody else,’ but them, alone, it’s devastating…  

The only annual event she seemed good with was her birthday, emphasis of course on “HER.”  As long as an event centered around pleasing her… ok...  Let the focus shift to an innocent 10 year old nephew, and even after an inappropriate amount of wine & beer, she was fit to be tied!  All in all, I couldn’t take it … and it seems all that’s left now is to figure it out   

[marie burton]

I stood my ground with him and he backed off his divorce talk , while I was at work he , (under the influence) wrecked his truck . He states he absolutely does not want a divorce now and walks into my house and has my daughter give me my christmas present . He is smart enough to do this because if he knew if he had given it to me I would have thrown it in the trash .  :'( . Unbelievable he walks back in my house and expects to be cooked for , taken care of after his behavior . My daughter from North Carolina is coming to breakfast this morning and I'm thinking how'd he going to ruin this ... .I'm sure he will. .

[Whitebread]

Yikes Marie... .looks like he figured out what was in his best interest given his accident! 

But the question is, Have you changed YOUR mind about him? 

Waltzing in like nothing happened is also my ex's M.O... .he'd innocently look at me and say "Problem?"

I could either say yes and rehash the previous thing he went off on and has selective memory about, or say nope and swallow more of his crap.  Sometimes I just wanted some quiet. :'(

[marie burton]

No the more I think on it and pray on it . I don't see a positive side to walking around on egg shells and learning to take abuse . He got up this morning immediately checking Facebook to see who had liked my post and pictures . To see how many new threats were out there to him. Wants to know what everyone knows about him and says their needs to be a support group out there for people that have yo be around or have been exposed to me . This is no life . I'm tired of his enormous ego all the while being the most insecure person I have ever met . He is going down a path that is just getting worse with no relief in sight . I want to help him get better but he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him . Who can help that ? I could see him homeless, jobless, with nothing , it is worse than being responsible for a child . At least children aren't mean and unkind

[ShakinMyHead]

Dib, You described a perfect 5 year olds temper tantrum. Like a Narcissistic seizure. They vomit all over everyone,   feel better,  and are ready to go again   . Don't be sorry for venting. Big hug! SMH

[Dibdob59]

Shakin

I know that it was emotional vomit - I have just had enough. 

I have been with my UBPD/NPDH for 39 years and am sick of the fallout for everyone else and the impact it causes. 

It never gets any better and seems so hopeless.