DD doesn't think she matters b/c of my stress

[Elbry]

So much is on my mind right now, I really need to get it all down and maybe get some advice.  DD15 is doing well in RTC.  She just went back last night after being home 4 days for Christmas.  She is starting to communicate more and things are coming out.  She believes she doesn't matter and I don't care about her.  She cuts herself b/c she doesn't matter and b/c she has so much self loathing.  She feels like I am always stressed out and she won't come to me when she needs to talk or when she is having a hard time b/c she doesn't want to add to my stress. 

The thing is I AM always stressed out.  I have 3 girls, ages 22, 21 and 15.  The 22 yr old has had behavior problems since age 2.  By age 14 she was cutting school, running away, drinking, doing drugs, engaging in risky sexual behaviors, stealing.  I tried everything, even sent her to live with her dad for awhile.  At 16, I couldn't even keep her at home at all.   The police were no help.  They told me there was no point in chasing her down every time she went out the window and bringing her home, she would just leave again.  She was gone for months, then she got pregnant, got scared, and came home.  My grandson was born when she was 17 and she stayed home with him for 8 months.  As soon as she turned 18 they were out the door.  The partying continued, she got involved in a bad relationship and when the baby was 15 months old the state stepped in and placed him in my home for the first time.  And she was pregnant again.  Things settled down a bit and when my second grandson was born the state returned my first grandson to her custody.  She was still with the abusive bf and things got worse.  I don't know how many calls I got to come get the kids b/c they were fighting.  One time, I had to go get her, the neighbor called me b/c she ran to the neighbor's house covered in blood.  He had beaten her and I had to take her to the ER for stitches in her face.  She was 18 years old.  Anyway, the partying and the domestic violence got both boys taken by the state in Nov. 2012, one was 2 and a half and one was 7 months.   I took both of them.  It turned our home life upside down.  I had just found out DD15 was cutting in Oct. 2012, so a lot happened all at once. 

She never got her boys back, she wouldn't leave the bf, wouldn't stop partying and in Dec. of 2013 her parental rights were terminated.  I still have my 4 yr old grandson, but the younger boy went to live with my sister a few months ago, she and her husband are adopting him.  She did finally leave the bf, but it was too late, AND she got pregnant again.  Now I have a 4 month old grandaughter that I worry about day and night as she is in the custody of my daughter.  The partying is starting to amp up again.  (She always lays off the partying while she's pregnant)  And she's hanging around some VERY bad people.  People that I see on the news that are wanted by the police for very bad stuff. 

So ya.  I'm stressed out all the time.  And I don't know how to fix it.  I've tried to cut my DD22 out of my life but I haven't been able to  But I can't stand that DD15 feels insignificant because I'm worried about the other one all the time.  I worry about both of them!  It's just one is a squeaky wheel and one isn't.  One demands attention and one doesn't.  How do I find a balance here?  I feel terrible.  DD15 gets incredibly stressed out by my 4 yr old grandson too, but if not for us he would go to strangers, I can't do that to him.  I am NOT so stressed out that I don't have time for her, I have time for her and I have told her this but she doesn't believe me.  I made a point of doing things with her this visit, just me and her, hoping she would notice I DO have time for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Elbry

I am glad things are starting to come out and your dd is sharing more with you. I think you are doing great and trying to spend more time with her one on one is sure to make an impact. You have been doing this a long time now and it is normal to be stressed but is there a way for you to help yourself? I have anxiety when it comes to my dd as well but I have been trying to acknowledge that and keep it under control. Are you seeing a T?

I think it is important to realize there are no quick fixes... .your dd needs time and things will get better but at a slower pace. How long has your dd been at the RTC? Hang in there ... .you are doing great... .don't be hard on yourself. Your dd feels like you don't have time for her but is that the real issue?