Hi, ilmatar,
That must have been hard to have your father die in your arms. I am sorry you had to go through that at such a young age.
It is a big realization to come to that your father had BPD.
It is also very common--a lot of members here understand first that they have chosen a partner with BPD or NPD, and then later after learning more about the disorder discover they also had a disordered parent. It can feel jolting and overwhelming, but it does get better. On this board, we use the Survivor's Guide to help us see where we are in the process of healing from a relationship with a PD'd parent. You can see the steps outlined over in the right-hand margin. The breakthrough crisis can be tough, so it is good you are reaching out for support.
Many of us learned to put aside our own needs and feelings in order to survive, so that we could instead try to please our parents. We may become co-dependent and seek out other relationships where we can keep playing that role. We may look for external validation that we actually are loveable. I learned a lot from this workshop--it might help you, too:
Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence It is important to find support so that we can learn to value ourselves rather than place our feelings of worth in someone else's hands. Have you ever considered talking with a counselor about your relationship with your boyfriend or your father?
Wishing you peace,
PF
