Christmas Eve thread - Post how you're feeling

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Yeah tonight has been pretty bad. Had a talk with ex. Told me

she is indifferent to me and nothing will ever change that. Told me she has no feelings for me like that anymore. Also said we wouldn't ever be back together. I just told her that, yes, we can't be together, and that our relationship never had

another destination than falling apart. I told her the only way it would ever

work was if we both rolled out sleeves up and did work. And that right now I'm focused on me. Dead eyes through the whole thing. Lol. Oh well. I'm hurting a little, but it's a peaceful hurt.

[mrshambles]

Yeah tonight has been pretty bad. Had a talk with ex. Told me

she is indifferent to me and nothing will ever change that. Told me she has no feelings for me like that anymore. Also said we wouldn't ever be back together. I just told her that, yes, we can't be together, and that our relationship never had

another destination than falling apart. I told her the only way it would ever

work was if we both rolled out sleeves up and did work. And that right now I'm focused on me. Dead eyes through the whole thing. Lol. Oh well. I'm hurting a little, but it's a peaceful hurt.

[Left broken and confused]

Of course I needed to check fb and saw a picture of my exBPDbf and my replacement. Odd but it didn't bother me much seeing it this time. He looks awful like he aged 10 years in the last 6 months we have been apart. What does bother me is he seems to be social and around all her friends and family. When he was with me he really never wanted to leave the house or have anyone around me taking his attention. Does anyone understand why this is?

I also believe he is drinking alot. My replacement is about 10 years older than him and seems to be a very big drinker!

Merry Christmas  

[downwhim]

splitback4good,

I can imagine that is going on with my ex. Replacement would be with the kids and they are a couple now. Yuck. So sick. Supposedly she looks like me. Sick. Wish Christmas over soon... .

[preciousme]

Hi,

Its xmas morning here in England and the sun is shining,  I havent posted for several months but read and read every day.  I was with my exb/f around 18months total, but LOTS of break ups and recycles within that period after his scary abusive rages and attempts to blame me for everything.   I have been no contact now for nearly four weeks and the recycle prior to that was only a couple of weeks.   I am still struggling with the very same thoughts and feelings as many people on here, reading and understanding and feeling validated by others' stories is more help to me than words can say.   This site is saving my sanity without a doubt.   

Last night I planned to stay home alone, but at the last minute a friend invited me over to hers, I went and had a chilled out evening Prior to that I was starting to ruminate and get anxious, but hey I got out for a while and that helped.   This morning another friend has knocked on my door unexpectedly whilst out walking his dog and came in for coffee.  We sat in the kitchen chatting and laughing at nothing in particular, that has also helped.  Two people who I have known for many years, and love and value greatly as good kind caring friends have reminded me that life is not that bad. 

I still have lots of times of ruminating and have been very anxious about xmas and new year, as last year I was with him and we did have a good time.   This morning at the moment I feel calm and peaceful, and am perfectly ok with a quiet xmas.  I have two wonderful grown up sons, one will be here with me today and the other one living away will be with his girlfriend.  I will have to see my family at some point today or tomorrow... .lots of hidden FOO stuff always lurking... .but hopefully I will manage it without getting upset.   Oddly enough whenever my mum upsets me, which is very frequent if I spend time with her, this is when I get an unbearable longing to contact exb/f!

I feel very sad that he has not contacted me, but did not expect him to as the pattern of late had been me contacting him - not sure how that evolved!  Our last breakup was as mean as ever, with him shouting how selfish I am, and it was all my fault as I am all me,me,me.  I won't bore you with details but it was horrid and he packed all my stuff and made me take it saying he would never let me in again after that day.  I text two weeks ago saying this is an awful way to leave things after all the time we have known each other, and lots of good times so can we at least be friendly and talking.  No reply, so that's that but oh how the silence can make you feel so worthless and meaningless... .maybe he is with someone else, whatever.   I am still struggling with not contacting him as my emotions are often still all over the place, and some days are soo difficult.  My thoughts and feelings can change from moment to moment, sometimes I am still overwhelmed with wanting to contact him or blaming myself or feeling worried if he is ok.   

I just want to say Happy Christmas to every one on here, wishing us all a peaceful 2015.   To all of us who are really struggling this holiday, we will get past this and we will feel better and life will be good again 

[going places]

I woke up at 6 am Dec 24th.

Got my coffee, checked my email, walked the dogs, paid bills then jumped in the car and headed to work.

Worked from 10 am until 4:30 pm.

Ran to Target and bought some mascara, swim suit bottoms (too big, gotta go back) and some travel containers to put my shampoo and conditioner in.

Arrived home about 6pm.

Cleaned up the kitchen, made dinner (totally messed up the kitchen!) rubbed the turkey breast and wrapped it up and put it in the fridge.

Ate dinner, walked the dogs, and watched Cloudy w a Chance of Meatballs and Kung Foo Panda with my adult children.

Fell asleep around 9pm on the couch.

Kids sent me to bed around 11 pm.

Woke up at 6am and here I am.

Today I will spend with my children.

We'll have smoked turkey and some sides for dinner.

I didn't buy gifts this year; I was just too busy.

I have a list of things I need to get done each day for the next 30 days... .

BECAUSE THE LORD SOLD MY HOUSE!

Xmas is just another day for me. No triggers, nothing special.

This holiday I can take it or leave it, and given the choice, I'd leave it.

[Deeno02]

On edge she will text. She hasn't so far in 4 months, but xmas may bring out a conscious in her(hope not).

[Recooperating]

Hey y'all,

Hope you will all get through this season well. I am surrounding myself with friends and family to keep me distracted and I am doing fairly ok. My mantra these days:

Silence is better then bullsh!t... .

I keep reminding myself of that over and over... .

Hang in there all!

Warm season greetings 

[Splitblack4good]

I wasn't to bad until yesturday when my ex rang our mutuel freinds phone and spoke to her she was crying and more filled with shame and regret . Still with my replacement tho so I'm sure her Xmas went better than mine did ! I feel utter crap right now tbh I'm not angry just hurt ! I can't beleive I let her get to me now I guess if it wasn't xmas day Id be ok !

[fred6]

Merry Christmas everyone. My hope is that everyone on this site can find some peace on this Christmas day. And that you know, even if your alone there are people that care about you. Even if your ex hasn't wished you a Merry Christmas, somewhere deep down they probably do want you to be happy. They just can't process or convey their emotions like an emotionally healthy person does.       

[Deeno02]

Merry Christmas everyone. My hope is that everyone on this site can find some peace on this Christmas day. And that you know, even if your alone there are people that care about you. Even if your ex hasn't wished you a Merry Christmas, somewhere deep down they probably do want you to be happy. They just can't process or convey their emotions like an emotionally healthy person does.       

My ex gf is sharing the day with the replacement and her kids. I don't think Me or my kids are a thought to her. It's cool.

[Splitblack4good]

Merry Christmas everyone. My hope is that everyone on this site can find some peace on this Christmas day. And that you know, even if your alone there are people that care about you. Even if your ex hasn't wished you a Merry Christmas, somewhere deep down they probably do want you to be happy. They just can't process or convey their emotions like an emotionally healthy person does.       

No they don't if they did she wouldn't of rang my mates phone to speak to me ! This is why I blocked she rung up to mess with my head getting all upset and crying like she regrets it ! I bet she still had a good day she's got my replacement to emotionally vomit on ! F**k sake I'm getting angry now I havnt been really angry since we split but right now I'm fuming who does she think she is !

[LApak]

Feeling sad, sick-  wondering how he's able to smile and be okay when it's Christmas and I'm crushed .  I know he's running to be with his ex and that should be okay because, my BPD is violent and without him running to her, I don't think he'd leAve me alone . I just left not even a week ago because I fear him- it's what I chose- yet I'm crying, jealous and wishing I never left- I love him-  one day at a time-  MERRY XMAS! 

[whythisgirl]

I found peace until my exBPD contacted me via text yesterday. He wished me a hbd. I told him thank you. Later that night I said hello and he asked what I was doing. Sounded as if he was interested only to make me feel bad later with sacarsm. Then he ended the night saying hbd again and enjoy your Christmas. He mentioned he was laying down listening to music and wanted me to check out the artist and tell me what I think. It brought back good memories but then I was left sad on my bday. Since out breakup was so recent I guess its hard to come to terms that we ddidn't spend the day together. He knew how much I wanted to be together and its like he purposely sabataged the r/s right before my bday and Xmas.

I can understand why I am so attached to the fantasy he sold me in the beginning of our r/s.  

[downwhim]

I will never hear from mine. He is so impulsive he probably has the replacement moved into his place already. I do not wish him a Merry Christmas and I am sure I am the last person on his mind today.

 

[Deeno02]

I will never hear from mine. He is so impulsive he probably has the replacement moved into his place already. I do not wish him a Merry Christmas and I am sure I am the last person on his mind today.

 

I feel ya. Regardless of how she may feel, the replacement I'm sure is there or soon will be to open gifts with her kids. She wouldn't call me if her life depended on it. We are both stubborn, but it is what it is. Hard because last year I was out shopping with her, helped her wrap gifts and shared in the moment. Now, I'm alone as my kids are with their mom. Thank god there's a Godzilla marathon on. Happy holidays BPD family. I pray for happiness for us in 2015

[mrshambles]

Well I'm back home now. I knew I shouldn't have gone. She did a pretty good job of making me feel like I don't matter. Oh well. Weird thing... .I've been decently okay. Miss her from time to time. But while I was at her place, I could literally FEEL the loneliness (codependant) being pulled out of my by her. I could FEEL myself trying to connect to her, wanting to be close. The drive home it was really bad. But now I'm home. I just popped a top, and I'm fine. That's the weirdest experience I've ever had. I've never had her just up and tell me she is I indifferent to me. And I know those things change on a dime with them after the devaluation starts. But man, I just don't think can do that again. That feeling... .That empty feeling she drew out of me. It hurt bad. I lost my best friend. But I know the truth is... .I never had her to begin with. That's the real tragedy. I have 15 more years of this with her. It scares the crap outta me.

[Hope0807]

Hi billypilgrim,

Yeah much of those ideas resonates with me, and I'm sure others here as well.  I too felt I would have done anything for my ex, and vice versa, and then it was over and I was replaced before I realized it was over.  Intense.  Bizarre.  Painful and sick.  I'm so glad to read you feel it's a "gift" to be out.  Excellent!

I'm feeling weird.  I don't think it's a bad weird.  I think it's an unfamiliar weird.  Tomorrow (Christmas) will be 2 months since she left and roughly 6 weeks no contact.  Things have been much calmer.  And much more peaceful since she left.  I've also come a long way with my personal gains.  I still have some issues with loneliness.  I still have moments of sadness.  But I'm out.  And that's about the best Christmas gift I could have asked for this year.

It's just very strange to think that not 2 months ago, I would have done anything for this person I called my wife.  Now I honestly hope I never really have to deal with her ever again.  From married, planning kids, and living together one minute to 2 months later completely moved out, out of my life, and replaced.  That all seems way too fast.  But I think it's just indicative of how the relationship was in general.  Intense and fast paced from start to finish. 

[Hope0807]

   I'm with you on this one!

I will never hear from mine. He is so impulsive he probably has the replacement moved into his place already. I do not wish him a Merry Christmas and I am sure I am the last person on his mind today.

 

[jadedcat]

Feeling down,  feeling like I failed my best friend that I fell in love with,  feel like I have been used, feel lied to and cheated on,  feel like even though I am with family that I know loves me I can't feel it,  I feel stronger that it's over,  I feel like I still want to help her,  I feel like I need to stay away from her, I feel like I want to be with her, I feel like all I should focus on is my children, I feel like I am healing slowly, I feel like pushing forward and do not have the energy to do so, but most of all I feel happy I know why I have my feelings.

Oh, I hear you. What a conflicted time. I could have written your post almost verbatim. It's almost fortunate that she texted me today. Pure invective. Lots of name calling. I'm still sad and emotional but her anger helps me see what I'm working so hard to escape.

[Pingo]

So this is some new fun. I went outside about 2 hours ago to bring my elderly dog inside. Looked in his house, not there. Walked to the gate, and it was standing wide open. That gate is never open unless I open it. The only thing I can figure is when the guy appraised the house 2 weeks ago he didn't latch it back properly, we had high winds this evening and it must have blown it open. So I've just spent the last 1.5 hours walking and driving around my neighborhood looking for my dog, who is elderly and deaf. He's only gotten out one other time in the 16 years I've had him. That was when I went and met my uexBPDgf for the first time exactly 10 years ago. I'll have to wait til daylight to do more searching. All prayers for him will be greatly appreciated... .

ShadowIntheNight, I hope you found your dog!  And how very strange that the last time he got out was when you met your gf 10 yrs ago! 

[Hope0807]

Please tell me you found your dog…my heart is breaking for you!  Please.

So this is some new fun. I went outside about 2 hours ago to bring my elderly dog inside. Looked in his house, not there. Walked to the gate, and it was standing wide open. That gate is never open unless I open it. The only thing I can figure is when the guy appraised the house 2 weeks ago he didn't latch it back properly, we had high winds this evening and it must have blown it open. So I've just spent the last 1.5 hours walking and driving around my neighborhood looking for my dog, who is elderly and deaf. He's only gotten out one other time in the 16 years I've had him. That was when I went and met my uexBPDgf for the first time exactly 10 years ago. I'll have to wait til daylight to do more searching. All prayers for him will be greatly appreciated... .