My brother and his BPD wife

[maxsterling]

I was just reminded of something... .

My older brother used to take one of his "wintery" photographs from the previous year and make his own Christmas cards.  He loved doing this.  He would write his own saying, buy some cardstock, and print them out himself.  All of our extended family loved getting the card from him; they looked forward to it every year, and if it was late they would be upset. 

I just realized I have not gotten a homemade card from him in 10 years. It was about 10 years ago he started dating his BPD wife.  And very sadly, I perfectly understand now why he has not sent out cards because I slowly see myself slipping down that path. 

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[flowerpath]

I read that 75% of us nonBPDs - who live with a pwBPD - are depressed. 

In the past, I did something similar to what your brother did for Christmas cards, just a different form of art.  I've had really good ideas over the years, and now yet another Christmas is here, and those ideas are still just ideas.  Even if I have the time to do the things I love, sometimes I just don't feel like doing it.  It looks like a bigger task than it really is.  Or maybe I'm avoiding complaints.  Or maybe I actually am depressed and just can't get started so I do something else (or nothing at all) that takes less effort.  And then I'm disappointed in myself because I didn't do what I dreamed. 

BPD can be their reason for all sorts of things, but it doesn’t have to be ours.  It seems that we need to just do it, just start, even if it isn’t easy.  Just do it and keep at it and allow ourselves to experience the simple joy of accomplishing something good.   

[Crumbling]

How could someone go everyday without emotional validation or support from the one person in the world you love the most and NOT get depressed?  You'd have to be a bigger person that I am, I know that.  This plays on a person over time, and I think I'm learning that that is why it's important for us to always consider ourselves first.  Our BPD SOs do!  Why shouldn't we?

[Cat Familiar]

Wow, you all have given me something to mull over. I've been kind of "low energy" lately and sort of resenting having to do holiday stuff. I didn't even put up a tree this year--and of course neither did my husband--and he's the one who says every year, "Maybe we should put up some lights" and does nothing to make that happen.

Maybe I am depressed. I truly am tired of putting up with his nonsense!

[maxsterling]

I've been doing a little better about being assertive with things, but this holiday seems to be highlighting some major issues.  I, like many people, have a hard time this time of year because of colder weather and reduced daylight.  Add on top of that family stresses and a few bad memories, and I really need to take good care of myself this time of year.  Now add my wife's constant negativity.  Last night we did a little shopping for family member's of mine.  That's stressful on it's own as I struggle to keep a positive attitude.  Now add her negative attitude about everything, her muttering how she hates Christmas, singing her versions of Christmas songs that include swear words, telling me how so-and-so in my family annoys her... .

Her constant negativity is wearing me down.  If I am to get through this I need a boundary.  I think I need to communicate to her that this season is hard on me, too, and I really need to surround myself with positive thoughts in order to get through.  Then ask her to tone down the negativity for a few days.  Not sure where that will lead, but I don't know what choice I have.

[Crumbling]

Sounds like a great opportunity for stating your case, Max.  Apply the old adage, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."  Just for a little while.  It could be part of her gift to you!

Be nice to yourself, Cat.  I give you permission!  You deserve it.

[Grey Kitty]

Her constant negativity is wearing me down.  If I am to get through this I need a boundary.  I think I need to communicate to her that this season is hard on me, too, and I really need to surround myself with positive thoughts in order to get through.  Then ask her to tone down the negativity for a few days.

Yes, you do sound worn down. You are forgetting the tools.

The version you described sounded kinda like JADEing at her than trying to get her to follow a rule.

Neither one works well.

Enforce a boundary: "I will not be around your negativity." Either change the topic, end the conversation, or leave the room. Heck, try kissing her instead of listening to her! (If you can forsee a good result!)

The boundary is to protect yourself. You enforce it in a way that will successfully do it. Whether she wants to or not.