Why do we after all the hurt they did to us we still sugar coat them ?

[guy4caligirl]

Fine they are human too but they should have warn us that they are mentally sick and not lie into the honey moon , I feel we have been coned how about you ?

And yes I still love her and want another chance .

[EaglesJuju]

Many pwBPD do not realize that they have a problem.  How can they warn us when they cannot recognize their problem? 

Even in a relationship between two nons, there is a period of idealization where both partners somewhat "hide" themselves.  What is the difference between a non's idealization and a pwBPD's?

[guy4caligirl]

Many pwBPD do not realize that they have a problem.  How can they warn us when they cannot recognize their problem? 

Even in a relationship between two nons, there is a period of idealization where both partners somewhat "hide" themselves.  What is the difference between a non's idealization and a pwBPD's?

Makes sense my ex after a while together I asked her why didn't you tell me from the beginning she replied : hi my name is so and I have BPD !

[Seriously?]

That's an interesting point Eagles. Normal relationships seem to level off after the initial honeymoon period. My relationship with my husband started off fast and stayed like that until a month before final discard. Truly black and white,  all or nothing. It was like hitting a brick wall when you were just cruising at a hundred mph. It shocks one's system.

[EaglesJuju]

Makes sense my ex after a while together I asked her why didn't you tell me from the beginning she replied : hi my name is so and I have BPD !

It is not easy for many people, even non disordered people, to admit flaws or maladaptive traits/behaviors.  I knew I had dependency issues before I met my pwBPD.  I did not tell him when I met him. 

[Blimblam]

A lot of it comes down to the way we attached to our exs.  You can frame it different ways but when they idealized us and that filled a hole in us an ego defect ad made us feel whole.  It was like a short cut to godly self esteem.  What was it they gave to us though? They gave to us the animating aspects of the self they empowered us to validate their existance and identity by validating our own. 

They became exactly what we needed depending on to what level we opened our hearts.  In a way they gave us everything we wanted for our needs In return for our validation. 

[guy4caligirl]

Makes sense my ex after a while together I asked her why didn't you tell me from the beginning she replied : hi my name is so and I have BPD !

It is not easy for many people, even non disordered people, to admit flaws or maladaptive traits/behaviors.  I knew I had dependency issues before I met my pwBPD.  I did not tell him when I met him. 

I did not think I had those issues , but I have others my intention was really good and genuine !

[Infern0]

Mine warned me.

She told me she was sick and that she didn't think or feel properly.

She told me she always hurts people "because she hates herself"

She told me she might just hate me one day for no reason.

I ignored it all of course,  I was gonna be different

[hurting300]

Mine warned me.

She told me she was sick and that she didn't think or feel properly.

She told me she always hurts people "because she hates herself"

She told me she might just hate me one day for no reason.

I ignored it all of course,  I was gonna be different

these relationships seem to take on an abnormal pattern of idealize, devalue and discard. Far from normal.  In my normal relationships we kept it honest and we both had our likes and dislikes. No mirroring . I think there is a big difference in idealism with BPD and normal. That's why we hit rock bottom so hard when they discard. My normal relationships ended with both of us saying well I still like you but it's not working out... .

[missblue]

interestingly enough, mine did basically just that with replacement 2. dumped on her during first official date that he has ptsd issues, past drug issues, and past bankruptcy.

i hadnt known about the last one till a couple months after first breakup... .the second and third i knew about 3 or 4 months into the relationship. i was way too hooked to even care by that point, let alone see red flag.

that replacement, having the early warning and not being too hooked just yet, ran rather quickly... .about 2 weeks total... .plus a week of him texting her constantly and her ignoring them.

that would be why they dont... .normally.

[drummerboy]

Regarding the idealisation phase, I wrote this a while ago. Us nons are not totally innocent in this process, we were looking for something too.

We mistake infatuation for love and the intensity of the infatuation is an indication of how lonely we are, we are simply dying to "fall in love" we are not actually falling in love with that person, but with someone who we hope will take our loneliness away.

[samj81]

My exBPD told me from the very start that he was BPD and was very open and honest regarding his flaws and the bad that he had done in the past.yet i was still blinkered.i saw what i wanted to see!told myself that was him in the past,that flaws dont define a person.he seemed to me that he had dealt with many of his issues!

I was blinded by love!evan two month after him walking away with out cause or explanation theres parts of me that still doesnt want to believe that he is that person!

Why i dont no,thats a question i keep asking myself!

[ucmeicu2]

it's hard to believe the pwBPD is that person because it's very very very hard to let go of the fantasy we created about them being the Perfect One For Me.  not impossible, but very difficult.

it reminds me of the monkey with the banana in the jar ~ he has ahold of the wonderful banana but he can't get it out of the jar!  but he wants it so bad, so he won't let go of it!   

but seriously we can die, literally (suicide or homicide).  or just end up so miserable, so depressed, so empty, so helpless, so hopeless, so abused, etc that we wish we were dead, and for all practical intents and purposes we are anyway... .if we don't let go of the frickin' banana.

keep up the work, the inner searching, the learning, the releasing and letting go.  it's a process.  you can get thru it.  

icu2

theres parts of me that still doesnt want to believe that he is that person!

Why i dont no,thats a question i keep asking myself!

[vortex of confusion]

This is such a good thread as I have been pondering this question as well.

First off, I don't think they set out to lie. My husband was as honest with me as he was with himself. So many people on this forum have lived in denial about their partners for so long yet wonder why their partners couldn't be honest with them. It is the same principle at work. It is the principle of self preservation. If I have such a difficult time facing the facts about my partner, then imagine how difficult it must be for him to face the facts about himself.

Denial is a pretty comfortable place to live if it keeps one from facing the cold, harsh realities.

In the case of my husband and I, we were both pretty young when we got married. I was 22 and he was 27. Not horribly young but still very naive and inexperienced. Neither of us had been married before so neither of us really knew what to expect from a marriage.

Like others have said, I can't put everything on my husband. If I hadn't been living in denial, I would have seen the red flags and would have addressed things much sooner. If I hadn't been living in denial, then I would have seen things for what they were. I feel like I still sugar coat some things because that is the only way that I can deal with them. Plus, even though they have a disorder, they are not all bad.