I went pain shopping today…found the anecdote for the urge to recycle

[AnnMargret]

So, a few weeks into the separation (wow, I lost count!), and my BPD husband is dropping all these little teasers into our communications (“I am trying to salvage US” and “why are you being so quick to make this separation permanent?”).  That last one was a text today and I replied with, “I don’t feel comfortable answering that in a text.  I will write you a letter if you’re willing to read it”.  And I wrote a four-page letter about how I wasn’t doing anything “permanent” but I was not wallowing around looking at our mementos; I was cleaning and organizing and making his stuff available to him in a dedicated section of the house.  I explained that and all my actions have been about protecting our daughter and myself from the fallout of his actions (BPD + sex/relationship addiction…treated in-patient in 2012…presently unemployed and very depressed and started acting again out so I told him “get help or leave” and he left).  

I knew he was not going to be home by the time I was finished writing the letter (he’s staying at a house that he’s supposed to be renovating, that is owned by both of us) when I stopped by to drop off the letter.  I went inside [I know I was pain shopping but I think I needed the pain] and found several disturbing things.  His computer was open to match.com where he is apparently very active in seeking replacements; I found a woman’s bracelet next to the bed and I found some of MY jewelry stashed with his stuff.  I resisted the urge to confront, to take my jewelry back (not terribly valuable, but my great-grandmother’s necklace is the same birthstone as my daughter’s and I was looking forward to giving it to her one day) and I left with the letter so he wouldn’t suspect I had been there.  He has been raging in recent months and a confrontation where he is backed into a corner is a scary prospect. Was I devastated, re-traumatized, and hurt?  I can’t say that I was this time!  I think I found the “cure” for recycling! I actually felt relief---like I didn’t have to speculate or to hope or anything---the burden is not mine because the facts are right in front of my face and not even my compassion will allow me to minimize this.  We had both signed an agreement in our last couple’s therapy session, on how we would care for our daughter and that we wouldn’t seek outside relationships for the following month (What the heck was this woman thinking, expecting a BPD to agree to something like that?  It would be like asking a normal human to hold their breath for a month).

So, I just wanted to share here to go on record that I will not repeat this cycle and I will not forget what it feels like to find another woman’s bracelet in your (supposedly working hard to reconcile) husband’s bed!  I sure do hope this is the cure for the common reprise of a dysfunctional dance…

[patientandclear]

AM -- I hadn't heard the term pain shopping but it's great.  I have found pain shopping on occasion to be absolutely essential in preventing me from drifting into a fantasy-based idea of what is possible with my BPDex.  His words sounded so open and intimate.  But then there were pictures of him with someone else, doing with her what we used to do.   Yeah.  Whenever I wonder whether I made the right decision, I make myself see those images in my mind, and it helps.

Good for you for enforcing real and reasonable boundaries.  Your daughter is lucky to have you for a mom.

[Deeno02]

AM -- I hadn't heard the term pain shopping but it's great.  I have found pain shopping on occasion to be absolutely essential in preventing me from drifting into a fantasy-based idea of what is possible with my BPDex.  His words sounded so open and intimate.  But then there were pictures of him with someone else, doing with her what we used to do.   Yeah.  Whenever I wonder whether I made the right decision, I make myself see those images in my mind, and it helps.

Good for you for enforcing real and reasonable boundaries.  Your daughter is lucky to have you for a mom.

I pain shopped on her (at the ) unblocked Instagram:  Her instagram went suddenly public. Its been private forever even when we were together. She liked something a mutual friend posted so I clicked it like a dumbass and low and behold, theres a pic of her and the new guy. Sucked the life out of me. I then got misty, and calm. They looked happy so I commented "glad your happy,... .good bye my love". 20 minutes later I get a text from her:  Please delete your comment on my picture.  I'm not sure why you did that.  It's very passive aggressive.  If you have something to say to me then say it.  Don't leave a message on my Instagram picture.

I replied to her text with:

I was genuine in my comment. Nothing bad was meant by it, so please drop the ego. I am happy that your happy and I have no animosity towards you and I'm happy your in a good place. Talk to you later. I then blocked her number.

Im glad shes in a happy place. For however long? Lord only knows. But hoping from one relationship to another doesnt bode well. Shocked she still has my contact stuff. I sure dont have hers!... .guess this is my closure. No thank you for the nice words, no take care, no nothing. I'm glad this happened. This is the person I wanted to marry...

Still hurts like hell. But I got to get her out of my head, this kind of helped

[fromheeltoheal]

Pain shopping, an intentional focus shift to help us stick to our resolve.  Very nice!  I used a list I made of all the unacceptable crap she pulled, it got longer with time, and it worked, but I gotta say going and physically witnessing his life is a definite upgrade.  My situation was different, but I don't know if I could have dealt with that well.  Congratulations for having the focus and intent to pull it off in a way that supports you!

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I like this concept - but I didn't need to go shopping for the  pain.  The uBPDexgf game me plenty enough when she painted me black to project the guilt from her own shameful cheating.  Coming out of the FOG now and wondering how I could have allowed myself to become enmeshed with this crazy woman.