DD wants to marry?

[muffetbuffet]

Hello all.  First of all I hope that everyone is doing well with handling the holiday season and all that it brings for those of us who have a loved one with a mental health diagnosis. 

I have not been on here in a few months as things have been rather quiet at home.  DD 17 is adopted.  May, 2014 she decided that she could no longer live with us and asked to move in with biological sister in another state.  That move lasted about 3 weeks.  When she got kicked out of sister's house, she of course had a place to go because she had "found the man of her dreams" and wanted to move in with him.  Well, she moved in and has been living there (still out of state) since June, 2014.  Fast forward a few months... .two jobs later and she is still living with boyfriend and his large extended family. She turns 18 in less than 60 days.  Her latest drama is that she wants to move back in with biological sister. When we told her no, she then came up with "will you sign for me to get married"?  So torn about what to do.  She is so close to age 18 that we want to just make her wait as we know if the marriage doesn't work out, we will get the blame because we let her do it.  On the other hand, allowing her to get married will move the responsibility from us.  Sounds terrible and selfish, but we are tired.  Just cannot handle much more of the non stop drama that daughter brings into our lives despite the fact that she lives close to 1000 miles away.  Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[RockLady]

Hi MuffetBuffet,

You are in a difficult spot.  By giving her permission, you would be complicit in her decision to get married and would get the blame if and when the relationship falls apart.  Have you met her intended?  Does he have a job, place to live, etc.?  Is he stable?

I know it's hard to have a sit down, but perhaps you can talk to her about how big a decision getting married is and all of the responsibilities to maintain a relationship.  Getting married is easy, staying married is not.  Somehow try to get her to acknowledge that waiting until she is of legal age will give her time to think it over and that you want her to make her own decision that does not involve you at all.  This will be her first adult decision without parental involvement and it needs to be done by her and her alone.  The less you have to do with her decision, the better it will be for you. 

Rock Lady

[lever.]

Hello muffetbuffet

This is just a personal view but as she will soon be 18 I would suggest she waits-otherwise you will be blamed in the future if it all goes wrong.

Perhaps you could try Support, Empathy,Truth when explaining.

"We want to support you and will help with your wedding if you would like us to but we feel strongly that it has to be purely your own decision. We would like you to wait for a few weeks until you are 18".

It might cause a short term problem but I think it might avoid problems in the future.

[jellibeans]

muffet

this has all the BPD let's hurry and get this done now undertones... .I find with my dd that if I just wait things change rather dramatically within days or weeks. There is always an urgency... .now now now... .My gut feeling would be to wait until she is 18. The law is in place so that the person is of a good age to make the decisions on their own. The only issue I see is that the more you say no the more the pwBPD usually wants to do the things she is not able to do. To be very honest this seems like a lose/lose kind of problem.

For me I do see some good points... .your dd is trying to put her life together... .she is a survivor and she is going to find a way to make it through. When does she turn 18?

[pessim-optimist]

Hello muffetbuffet,

What a dilemma with your daughter so far away... .

As I read it and I am trying to understand, I have a few questions:

Her latest drama is that she wants to move back in with biological sister. When we told her no, she then came up with "will you sign for me to get married"?

Why is she trying to move in with her sister if she would like to get married? Is there a problem with the "in-laws/extended family" that would be solved by her getting married?

Also, if she lives so far away, how are you able to 'allow her' or to 'forbid her' regarding to moving back in with her sister?

On the other hand, allowing her to get married will move the responsibility from us.  Sounds terrible and selfish, but we are tired.  Just cannot handle much more of the non stop drama that daughter brings into our lives despite the fact that she lives close to 1000 miles away.

Let's suppose that you let her get married, and then there is drama. How is that different from now? Are you looking at the legal aspect of her being "adult" at that point, or am I missing something else?

It's tough to be going through this... .What's going to happen if you do not sign off on her getting married?

[muffetbuffet]

jellibean... .oh how many decisions we have dealt with that have been lose/lose situations 

Yes, we have thought about the deal that if we allow daughter to marry now, if (and when) things go wrong it will somehow be out fault. 

Just to clarify the situation, when dd left our home, she left to live with biological sister. That did not work out so she moved in with boyfriend and his family whom we have met.  He works part time, but that is not consistent.  Currently dd is not working.  They live with fiance's family of 4 generations under one roof.  I am sure it is a difficult situation as money is tight and there is no such thing as privacy.  Much different from the situation dd left at our home where she had her own bedroom.  DD would like to move in with bio sister as a means to escape the current living situation.  We do not agree with the move due to problems that caused her to leave sister's house in the first place.  Since we said no to the move, DD asked if she could marry thus making her an adult and she could then live where she pleases with no parent involvement. 

The whole situation is mixed up.  When DD lived at home, she never thought it was necessary to ask our permission to do anything.  Now that she lives away from home, she feels the need to ask permission for everything.  In some sense, we appreciate the fact that she is trying to include us in her life, but on the other hand we really cannot physically stop her from moving.  As for marriage, we would have to have the marriage certificate mailed to us, we get it signed in front of a notary and send it back to them. 

Thanks for all of the feedback and suggestions.  Really trying to drag our feet on this decision as dd turns 18 in march.  Only two more months. 

[muffetbuffet]

"We want to support you and will help with your wedding if you would like us to but we feel strongly that it has to be purely your own decision. We would like you to wait for a few weeks until you are 18".

Thanks lever,   My husband and I had to talk to our dd yesterday on the phone about the pending question of can we sign for her to get married.  We really liked what you stated, so I pulled this post up on the computer and used it as a guide when we talked to dd.  She was angry and left the room, but the boyfriend stayed to talk to us for a few minutes.  DD called later in the evening about something else and apologized for leaving the room earlier in the day.  Have not heard another comment about the wedding since. 

On the part of moving in with biological sister, DD texted yesterday that she needs to move from where she is, but knows that we will say no.  We continued to be strong and stand our ground.  Minimal texts were sent from our end so the conversation did not last long. 

I am so thankful that my husband and I are able to provide a unified front when dealing with DD.  Also very thankful for all of the support on this website.  Thanks for helping us get through another hurdle of life.  Have a wonderful day.

[lever.]

I think jellibeans may well be correct and that if you handle this with a very light touch and avoid all drama things may rapidly change.

SET is one of the things I have learned on this board that sticks with me most-I am using it with everyone!

Sometimes it causes my DD to go off like a rocket but she usually comes down more quickly if I phrase things in that way.

I need to practice pausing if I am feeling emotional and remembering to use it!

[jellibeans]

muffet

I do find your problem interesting... .and the fact that your dd seems to need some kind of approval from you. Isn't that kind of weird? My dd17 rarely thinks she needs our approval for anything. I know are two girls have similar traits.

So what do you think is happening now? Does she still want to move in with her sister? or has time changed everything... .I find stalling very helpful. My dd usually comes up with a whole new plan.