Didn't follow through on a promise to my BPD wife.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I'm feeling depressed tonight.  My BPD wife asked me months ago to tell her in detail how my family and I are responsible for our marriage problems.  I said I would and then her mother, who was ill, got much worse and died.  I was swamped with work and put it off.  I really didn't want to do it.  I believe that she (BPDw) is mainly responsible and I'm willing to admit to my responsibility and my family's (and have MANY MANY times) but I need to say that she has some responsibility too in order to maintain my integrity.  She does not want to hear that.  I told her tonight that I can't do what she's asking and now (for the millionth time) she says she doesn't trust me and wants a divorce.  If I say that she is even partly responsible she'll explode and rain abuse down on me and I don't want to go through that, so what do I do?  I'm not going to lie again.  Months ago, she bullied me into saying I would do this for her, but I never wanted to.  Tonight I told her I just can't do it and that's all I'm saying to her. 

I've done this many times before where she's bullied me into saying something I don't believe and then I say what I do believe and she loses trust in me.  She just can't accept my reality and the truth and I find it impossible to relate to her.  She can't or won't accept her responsibility for any relationship issues and to even lightly suggest so brings on BPD dysregulation. So this time, I didn't give in, although I ended up not keeping my word.

Any help here would be appreciated.

[startrekuser]

Hi, I'm feeling depressed tonight.  My BPD wife asked me months ago to tell her in detail how my family and I are responsible for our marriage problems.  I said I would and then her mother, who was ill, got much worse and died.  I was swamped with work and put it off.  I really didn't want to do it.  I believe that she (BPDw) is mainly responsible and I'm willing to admit to my responsibility and my family's (and have MANY MANY times) but I need to say that she has some responsibility too in order to maintain my integrity.  She does not want to hear that.  I told her tonight that I can't do what she's asking and now (for the millionth time) she says she doesn't trust me and wants a divorce.  If I say that she is even partly responsible she'll explode and rain abuse down on me and I don't want to go through that, so what do I do?  I'm not going to lie again.  Months ago, she bullied me into saying I would do this for her, but I never wanted to.  Tonight I told her I just can't do it and that's all I'm saying to her. 

I've done this many times before where she's bullied me into saying something I don't believe and then I say what I do believe and she loses trust in me.  She just can't accept my reality and the truth and I find it impossible to relate to her.  She can't or won't accept her responsibility for any relationship issues and to even lightly suggest so brings on BPD dysregulation. So this time, I didn't give in, although I ended up not keeping my word.

Any help here would be appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[chronsweet]

My mom, I believe, is uBPD.  She has never apologized to me for anything as far as I can remember.  Everything is my fault.  I am either black (on the bad side) or white (on the good side).  She is like this with everyone.  You have a choice.  Live with someone who will most likely always be the way she is OR learn to live and love yourself.  Core relationships tend to shape our lives.  I think you have to ask yourself, why do you want to be with someone who doesn't believe in relating to someone in a relationship. 

Trust me, I am asking myself these same questions myself.  I recently separated from my baby's father.  I don't have the best relationship picker apparently.  After reading about the trauma of living with a parent who has BPD, I now know why I act like I do and why I choose like I do.  Living with people who don't respect our boundaries while asking that we give everything leaves such an empty feeling.  At least from where I sit, I think so.  As a child, I couldn't get away from my mom.  As adults, we can make our own choices toward happiness.  To me, happiness isn't living in terror with anxiety about what may or may not happen next.  When people have to bully and harass you into saying something you don't want to, you lose yourself.

[startrekuser]

My mom, I believe, is uBPD.  She has never apologized to me for anything as far as I can remember.  Everything is my fault.  I am either black (on the bad side) or white (on the good side).  She is like this with everyone.  You have a choice.  Live with someone who will most likely always be the way she is OR learn to live and love yourself.  Core relationships tend to shape our lives.  I think you have to ask yourself, why do you want to be with someone who doesn't believe in relating to someone in a relationship. 

Trust me, I am asking myself these same questions myself.  I recently separated from my baby's father.  I don't have the best relationship picker apparently.  After reading about the trauma of living with a parent who has BPD, I now know why I act like I do and why I choose like I do.  Living with people who don't respect our boundaries while asking that we give everything leaves such an empty feeling.  At least from where I sit, I think so.  As a child, I couldn't get away from my mom.  As adults, we can make our own choices toward happiness.  To me, happiness isn't living in terror with anxiety about what may or may not happen next.  When people have to bully and harass you into saying something you don't want to, you lose yourself.

Yes, you lose yourself and I understand what you mean.  I just can't do what she asked and I feel badly for saying I would, but at least now I'm being honest.  I can't do what she asked without lying again.  Sadly, I won't tell the truth because it will trigger dysregulation and all the ugliness that comes with it.  Currently she says she doesn't want to have anything to do with me b/c I don't tell the truth.  She doesn't want to hear the truth.

[formflier]

 

What is your plan to avoid being bullied into saying things in the future?

[SlyQQ]

You are being set up just say you changed your mine i am sure she has and never ever make any "promises"

[startrekuser]

What is your plan to avoid being bullied into saying things in the future?

I don't have a detailed plan except to say "I can't do that" in a very nice way.  Do you have any suggestions?  Thanks.

[startrekuser]

You are being set up just say you changed your mine i am sure she has and never ever make any "promises"

Thanks for your advice.  It is very helpful.  I'm VERY careful to never "Promise" anything.  When she says, "you promise?", I say, I don't make promises.

[formflier]

I don't have a detailed plan except to say "I can't do that" in a very nice way.  Do you have any suggestions?  Thanks.

"I'll do the best I can... ."

I would also ask you to spend some time thinking about why bullying behavior should get any answer... .at all.

So... "That's an interesting idea... .I look forward to when we can discuss it properly... "  Walk away... .

Or... ."... I'll be back in 10 minutes... .I am hoping we can discuss it properly then... "

Try to stay away from "you are the reason we can't discuss it properly... ." 

State the issue... ."... we both need to let each other fully explain their positions... .and avoid interruptions... "

... ."we both need to make sure that we keep our voices in a conversational tone and volume... "

Things along those lines... .

Make sure when she speaks respectfully... that you listen... .and try to get her results.

You want to reinforce good behavior... .make sure she gets no results from bad behavior... .don't explain it to her... .she will catch on

[flowerpath]

Hi, startrekuser.   There were several years of hard times and awful episodes before my family knew a thing about what was going on, but my h places a lot of blame on them for the difficulties in our relationship.  It is true that they were able to see the reality of the alcohol abuse, and verbal and emotional abuse, and that they thought I should l leave.  He was offended and he thought they should encourage us to work things out (so did I), but he did not acknowledge how his own behavior was a part of the problem.  They were supposed to cheer us on while he continued on his merry way.  Even though I’ve chosen to stay and my family accepts this (and they're still realistic and help to keep me steady), 21 years later, he still feels that my family is a wedge between us.  It's very hard to stand firm because of the way he responds, but I've never regretted it.  Facts are facts, and every time the topic comes up, I put the problem right where it belongs: not on my family, but between him and me. 

[formflier]

  It's very hard to stand firm because of the way he responds, but I've never regretted it.  Facts are facts, and every time the topic comes up, I put the problem right where it belongs: not on my family, but between him and me. 

Can you explain "how he responds... "

It seems like this problem has been discussed a time or two... .why does it need to come up?  Why does it continue to need to be "put somewhere... ."

[flowerpath]

Just as a lot of his behaviors come up out of the blue, so does this topic from time to time.  I don’t bring it up, but maybe he brings it up because he is still hurt by the response of my family and wants to hear that I am saying good things to them and that they are encouraging about our relationship.

He’s never gone into a rage about it.  The last time this happened, he questioned me about exactly what they’ve said to me that was encouraging or discouraging.  He asked if I was telling them about his good behavior.  I felt cornered because I don’t report every good thing to my family and even though they know why I stay, because of his behaviors, they don’t have anything to say in support of him.  I honestly can’t even remember exactly every detail of conversation with my family because it can be months between the times that I talk with them about this, but I answered him truthfully the best that I could to try to not make things worse.  He told me what he thinks they should say and what I should say, slammed the dishwasher door, and the conversation ended with him getting the last word in. (He usually does.)  I still think it’s better for me to be truthful than to make up a story that he wants to hear. 

[startrekuser]

My BPD wife has been giving me the silent treatment b/c I won't do what she wants (see beginning of thread).  It's been a week and she also says things to upset our daughter.  I'm not sure why she does that but it really ticks me off.  She says stuff like "we're going to have to move out because daddy won't do... .".  It's one thing to manipulate another adult, but when she manipulates our defenseless 13 year old daughter that really frosts me.  She's a real piece of work.  I'm refraining from venting.  How do I handle this?  Thanks.

[Grey Kitty]

Silent treatment is really tough. Hang in there. The best thing I've found is to do something you enjoy while she's not interacting with you.

The crap with D13 is a different game, and calls for action on your part. (I hope parents here can give better guidance... .I'm drawing a blank right now)

What is your direct r/s with D13 like?

What is BPDw's r/s with D13 like?

[startrekuser]

Silent treatment is really tough. Hang in there. The best thing I've found is to do something you enjoy while she's not interacting with you.

The crap with D13 is a different game, and calls for action on your part. (I hope parents here can give better guidance... .I'm drawing a blank right now)

What is your direct r/s with D13 like?

What is BPDw's r/s with D13 like?

My BPDw and I both have good relationships with D13.  My wife and D13 do argue a lot though. 

[flowerpath]

She's bringing your daughter into the conflict as a coping strategy.  It's triangulation.  Here's a lesson and some conversation about it: 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0

My husband has said things to our children to make them think I don't care about them, wouldn't make good choices about them, or that I'm not a good mother - especially when they were younger, and when he thought I couldn't hear it.  There's no telling what I haven't heard.  If I heard him say something, I'd say the truth about the matter right then.  All I can do beyond that is to be consistent, to be here for them, and show them in my own words and behavior that I do care and that it's important to me to make good choices about them and for our family as a whole.

[formflier]

  I'm not sure why she does that but it really ticks me off.  

I think you answered your own question... .   

Think about it... .and post back if you think this is the case

[formflier]

My BPDw and I both have good relationships with D13.  My wife and D13 do argue a lot though. 

Can you explain this?  Give some details please... .

I'm working on a wife daughter issue in my house... .we can compare notes.

OBTW... people in good relationships don't argue a lot.  Conflict is not a sign of a bad r/s... ."a lot" is... .IMO

[startrekuser]

  I'm not sure why she does that but it really ticks me off.   

Yes, you're right.  She does it to tick me off and manipulate me and it does tick me off. 

I think you answered your own question... .   

Think about it... .and post back if you think this is the case

[startrekuser]

My BPDw and I both have good relationships with D13.  My wife and D13 do argue a lot though.  

Can you explain this?  Give some details please... .

I'm working on a wife daughter issue in my house... .we can compare notes.

OBTW... people in good relationships don't argue a lot.  Conflict is not a sign of a bad r/s... ."a lot" is... .IMO

My wife makes a lot of broad BPD black/white statements.  I'll give you an example.  :)13's friend posted something on Instagram, which BPDw thought was inappropriate and I agreed.  So she said to D13 that friend is a bad influence and that started an argument between them.  I ended the argument by saying that the post by friend was a bad influence, but friend is not a bad influence.  I'm not always there to end them and to be the sensible peace maker.

Also, BPDw sometimes gives in to D13's requests and doesn't follow through, so D13 doesn't trust BPDw word.  Sometimes BPDw gives in to request, follows through and then regrets it and says to me that D13 forced her.  I'm very frustrated by this and I let her know by saying "you're the adult and you didn't have to give in.  Just say "no" and that's the end of it."  She sometimes looks at D13's request as abuse and D13 is often persistent with her requests b/c she knows BPDw often will give in, although she doesn't always follow through.

[formflier]

 

OK... .I think I have enough to give a good opinion.

I seem to have noticed that daughters and moms can "argue" as a way or relating.  I see this a TON in my wife's family... .I also see it "in general".  I don't have a sister... .so... .take this point of view... for what it's worth.

Anyway... .they key is to not "triagulate" with the daughter.  So don't make your intervention about her and your wife (the mom).

Do an intervention by teaching your daughter good coping strategies for life... .and let her apply those as she sees fit.

If she and the wife have an argument... .you can ask daughter how those coping strategies worked out... .she will eventually figure out she should use them more.

Not triangulating is tough... .but it can be done.

Anyway... .the strategy is to teach her not to argue with people about their opinions.  Or keep those arguments... ."low key".

This will take while... .but it should work.

So... .wife says daughter friend is bad influence... .daughter says... ."I'm sorry you feel that way... ."  Or daughter uses SET... .

Thoughts?