NC guilt

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex was sectioned back in December, all contact we had was disastrous pre-this and ended in huge rows and massive upset for me, big emotional turmoil. However as time passes I am wondering if it's morally the right thing to do to block my ex when she is reaching out to me while she is so unwell.

It goes against my every natural instinct to block someone crying in pain, but she put herself there, this is the 5th time now and she won't take her meds and every contact we have resukts in pain, the last one she told me she had a crush on someone else. Whether that is true or not does not hurt me but I will never understand why you would say that to the person you want to reconcile with.

This tends to happen with me, time passes and resolve weakens, i second guess myself and wonder if I have blown something out of context or not been fair on her, she is clearly very unwell and I am feeling some guilt and I know she feels I have abandoned her. I don't know that she is reaching out anymore as I blocked her and my head knows if I want to

Protect myself I must do this. Im my even sure my availability even helps her. It enables her. I imagine her there alone and unable to reach me and I know of the tables were turned that would give me immense pain. However ive visited her there before and she claimed she was in pain and I saw her laughing and watching TV looking fine. I feel played but she is in a terrible place, I don't want to be a bad or selfish person and I don't want her to feel abandoned and upset alone there. Should I be thinking of me while she has such a rough time? That's guilt.

I feel terrible, like i deserted my post, but I just couldn't take anymore.

[Trog]

My ex was sectioned back in December, all contact we had was disastrous pre-this and ended in huge rows and massive upset for me, big emotional turmoil. However as time passes I am wondering if it's morally the right thing to do to block my ex when she is reaching out to me while she is so unwell.

It goes against my every natural instinct to block someone crying in pain, but she put herself there, this is the 5th time now and she won't take her meds and every contact we have resukts in pain, the last one she told me she had a crush on someone else. Whether that is true or not does not hurt me but I will never understand why you would say that to the person you want to reconcile with.

This tends to happen with me, time passes and resolve weakens, i second guess myself and wonder if I have blown something out of context or not been fair on her, she is clearly very unwell and I am feeling some guilt and I know she feels I have abandoned her. I don't know that she is reaching out anymore as I blocked her and my head knows if I want to

Protect myself I must do this. Im my even sure my availability even helps her. It enables her. I imagine her there alone and unable to reach me and I know of the tables were turned that would give me immense pain. However ive visited her there before and she claimed she was in pain and I saw her laughing and watching TV looking fine. I feel played but she is in a terrible place, I don't want to be a bad or selfish person and I don't want her to feel abandoned and upset alone there. Should I be thinking of me while she has such a rough time? That's guilt.

I feel terrible, like i deserted my post, but I just couldn't take anymore.

[Tim300]

I have very similar thoughts.  I promised several times that I would never abandon her.  I am not one to break promises -- especially a promise like this.  However, I never imagined someone would treat me so poorly.  The most steadfast promise not to abandon someone will surely be put to the ultimate test when the pwBPD is literally threatening your life (and also destroying you in other ways). 

I wish I could somehow reach out and let her know that I'm here for her -- but her behavior has simply gone too far.  I do fear that any contact by me might increase the chance of her killing me or otherwise trying to ruin my life.

If she reached out to me I would ignore it.  However, honestly, if she said she needed my help because of her mental problems and what happened with me, I know that it would be very difficult for me to not try to find someway to help her (although I might bring a bodyguard).  Another honest truth though is that there's no reason why my ex needs me to be the one to help her mentally (just like any of your ex's don't necessarily need you).  They can always find someone else.   

And maybe by not abandoning you are just enabling.  Enabling awful, awful behavior.       

[hurting300]

As long as you told her "I'm going no contact" you did not abandon her.

[Trog]

Telling her anything is hit and miss, she doesn't understand or accept anything. I did write her a mail to explain that I was going NC don't know if she read it.

[Tim300]

Telling her anything is hit and miss, she doesn't understand or accept anything. I did write her a mail to explain that I was going NC don't know if she read it.

Yeah.  It seems like pwBPD simply cannot think rationally when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and they don't understand what "love is"; furthermore, they cannot trust.  Accordingly, there's not much point in trying to express much of anything to them.

[hurting300]

Every person disordered or not deserves an explanation. I was disappeared on with no closure at all. And it hurts. So it's silent treatment abuse when you go ghost on someone.

[bunnyrabit]

Every person disordered or not deserves an explanation. I was disappeared on with no closure at all. And it hurts. So it's silent treatment abuse when you go ghost on someone.

Fair enough, but it's one thing if you did nothing to deserve it and yet your partner disappears in thin air, like a lot of BPD's tend to do. That's very inconsiderate to say the least.

It's another thing when your partner has displayed hurtful behavior over and over and you've explained them numerous times how it hurts and you really can't continue like that.

I think disordered or not it shouldn't come as a big surprise if one day your partner isn't there anymore and needs some time without contact to get over the breakup. If they can't have empathy for that than that's their problem, not ours, and they should just learn how to be a human being.

So in short, no need to feel guilty, I'm sure you jumped through every hoop and gave up yourself to try to make it work, just like the rest of us on here. Now it's time to take the power back and no longer let her control you or your emotional well being. And that starts with NC for as long as YOU need it

[hurting300]

No, I would always say something. I guess it's because I'm blunt. I mean, I argued with my ex pretty bad over her lying to me and she pretended everything was perfect just so she could leave while I was at work. So I guess I'm sensitive to it.

[Trog]

I did try very hard for many years, my ex is BPD and schitzo effective, when she's not triggered the relationship seemed to be ok and she was on her meds for a couple of years (though things were still rocky). Sadly she miscarried around 9 months ago now and this adds another level of guilt and poignancy to this time as we are now around what would have been the due date for our first child. I don't know how I feel about that but this time 9 months ago I had am incredible dream for our future and in such a short time everything has been destroyed.

I'm 35 now, I feel that was my shot at a family, I had everything invested in this relationship and in the end I cared for her deeply. I feel very sorry for both of us tonight. Reaching out to her would end in more pain for me. I've never felt comforted by her. She would be angry at why I had been NC and I'd pay for that for the next x years as everything was rehashed during the relationship. It's just sad. I liked the dream very much, the reality was terrible.

[Tim300]

I'm 35 now, I feel that was my shot at a family,

As a 35-year-old male I don't think it's your last shot.  But I do understand if you're just exhausted.